To think if a child accidently pours Ribena over Coco Pops instead of milk, you don't make them eat it?

[AliceAbsolum]

Me, aged 8. That memory is causing a disproportionate amount of distress. It was a lot of Ribena and I felt so sick 🙁 Or maybe I'm being a wuss and it was a proportionate punishment?

Just possibly, I might get an 8yo who had been messing, been told not to, had ignored that and made that mistake, to eat 3 spoonfuls of the yuck to get them to understand why it was a mistake.

More likely I’d just say ‘that’s why you shouldn’t mess around’ and let it go.

Forcing them to eat the whole vile bowlful is horrible. If it was typical of your upbringing, you have every right to be angry.

I thought you were expressive, articulate and compassionate undermyeye!
Alice, it was not your fault, and try not to let your mother’s demons shape how you see yourself. It is so hard to do, I know.

Our relationship with our children and other adults is not the same though: I don’t tell DH when to get up or when to go to bed. I don’t insist he brushes his teeth, tidies his room, comes off his computer game. I don’t ground him for being rude to me.

I get that some, very liberal parents, may do none of these things to their children. But I think they are fairly normal.

Honestly it depends how frequently these incidents occurred. If that was the worst then - whilst it doesn't sound ideal - it's an odd thing to be worked up about so many years later, particularly in the context of some of the other posters being forced to eat soil and other things .

This is so random! I just made my kids breakfast and nearly tipped ribena on the coco pops (weekend treats, not allowed either during the week).
If I had buggered it up I would have made it again, or if there was no more apologised and got a pot of porridge on instead.
If the DCs had done this it would have annoyed me but I'd have just made more, or at the very worst said, "that was a silly mistake but there's no more unfortunately, you'll have to have something else or wait until lunch"

But yeah OP, I might’ve been a bit cross: milk bottles and Ribena bottles in no way resemble each other (why was the Ribena even in the fridge) and you should’ve been looking when you were pouring and stopped straight away.

So I’d probably have told you off, but I’ve never made any of my kids eat something they didn’t want to.

If a woman came on here saying her husband forced her to do this people would be advising her to leave

I DO wish people would stop with this crap.

If one adult forced another adult to do half the things we force children to do it would be a LTB situation, but it’s irrelevant because it’s not the same thing at all

The only way in which it isn't the same is that an adult might have the life experience to recognise the abuse and some means of escaping an abusive relationship. A child doesn't have that option available to them. Is that the difference you're referring to?

I hate reading about the punishments on here that parents devise for their children. Most state schools avoid the term now. There was a horrible poster boasting on here recently about punishing her six year old daughter for trying to flush some broccoli down the loo because she hated it. You would not force an adult to eat something they hated. Boasting about punishing little children doesn't sit right with me.

I get all the people telling you to move on have their heart in the right place. However for some it isn’t possible until you are healed from the hurt. Getting over our past also is deeply affected by our parents attitude. Do they acknowledge their errors or continue the same narrative to this day? A big part of me believed what I was told about myself as a child. My mother still was saying the same to me in adulthood, berating me for how terrible I was as a teenager and all the rest. Even when not with her I had my mothers voice going around my head on repeat. Her voice governed me almost completely and told me how to do things, what to think. It only stopped when I got some very magical therapy, which started when I was 40.

Siameasy i think you're right and i wonder if the things i may have done in anger will send my kids to the therapist in a few years but we all lose it now and then and still love our kids.

i am sorry OP that you feel bad about this but if it's an isolated incident try to see it as just that. If your family were loving and supportive in other ways there's your answer about abuse.
x

No way, no.
I hate that style of parenting, parenting can bring out an overly controlling side of some people. It's cruel and unnecessary.

My mum was of the you-will-sit-here-until-you-finish-the-plate generation, despite the fact she couldn't cook, and I didn't realise vegetables were actually nice until I left home and they were not boiled to oblivion. I think parents 'forcing' children to eat is building a lifetime of trauma. I am an incredibly fussy eater - because as an adult I can be!

I would say that the memory is still causing you a lot of distress is key. That’s not to say it wasn’t a nice thing to do, a bit cruel. But context is everything. If it’s invading your thoughts a lot now, when this happened years ago, time to tackle your own life right now.

My parents have a couple of incidents of not being good/abusive - hitting me once in a rage for example. Not good. However perspective and context is everything. They were not abusive parents, but that incident was. I have a good relationship with them and plenty of good things growing up. Without minimising any rubbish from my past I am also aware of the whole picture. It’s important we see that in order to keep balance in our own lives now.

I don’t know how you work out yours, depends on your relationships now. Are they good, healthy? Have you talked to siblings? What are you doing to have a healthy life and relationships yourself?

It was horrible, cruel and unkind.

It was, I expect, only one instance in an abusive household.

It would have caused you distress then, as well as making you feel ill. And I can totally understand why it causes you distress now.

Some people enjoy punishing others. They are not decent, kind people.

My mum was of the you-will-sit-here-until-you-finish-the-plate generation

Mine too. One of my earliest memories is sitting in front of a plate of food and being told I had to eat it before I could get down from the table and help my dsis decorate the Xmas tree. I also remember being told regularly that I couldn't go to school until I'd eaten a bowl of cereal and 2 slices of toast. Eating food when you have no appetite for it is very difficult.

That is abuse. 100%. No way could I do that to my kids.

My aunt still does this - forces you to finish plateful - her kids are teenagers but are not allowed to leave the table until they’ve had a pint of milk and finished their entire plate . Anything left they get served up for breakfast the next day 🤔 . Even if it’s just a couple of pieces of carrot or onion ... very odd .

Think it came from my grandma as I remember my sister age 3 being forced to finish a glass of juice that she had dropped her biscuit in . Grandma born in 1931 so very much a child of the war !!

School was the same when I was a child in 1996 , the dinner lady would stand at the bin and send you back if you hadn’t finished every part of your meal (packed lunch or school meal). I remember being kept in the hall for an hour chewing dry beef and gagging on it . My school also handed out odd punishments with food in that if your parents hadn’t paid up or you had lost your dinner ticket/had it stolen , you got a digestive biscuit with a scoop of cold mashed potato and a glass of water . Bloody awful now that I look back .

[If one adult forced another adult to do half the things we force children to do it would be a LTB situation, but it’s irrelevant because it’s not the same thing at all]. Is what I said.

Why is it not the same?

Because children are not adults.

Being a parent means keeping children safe, and helping children learn and develop into independent people, why does this mean that it’s ok to lose your shit with kids?

I never said it was 🙄 I said forcing children to do things is not the same as forcing an adult to do things.

The only way in which it isn't the same is that an adult might have the life experience to recognise the abuse and some means of escaping an abusive relationship. A child doesn't have that option available to them. Is that the difference you're referring to?

Oh don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

I ‘force’ the children to do a lot of things I wouldn’t force an adult to do

• shower
• get dressed
• homework
• go to bed
• eat some vegetables (ones they don’t mind)
• have a drink of water (as one would go without drinking anything all day)
• put their coats on when it’s pouring down

etc

Children are NOT adults.

Forcing a child to do something you wouldn’t force an adult to do is not inherently a bad thing.

That's cruel. It kind of makes a massive big deal out of a little mistake as well.

"Minimising it is cruel"
On the contrary. Its sensible pragmatic advice. This was years ago no?
Park it mentally, choose not to dwell on it. Certainly don't drag it out for hours in therapy sessions unless you have specific goals to move forward in a positive manner.

No I would not. And I asked DH for his opinion too. He told me that a very similar thing happened to him With cornflakes and orange squash instead of coco pops and orange.

Of course not

It was mean and harsh I am not surprised you still feel upset by this

Maybe there were other incidents too but this is the one that seemed so obviously harsh. Maybe not but either way you feeling upset and sad is valid as that is how you feel

Park it mentally, choose not to dwell on it.

You would think you can do that wouldn’t you but it’s not that easy unfortunately.

Often memories like this are parked already and they rear themselves many years later, often once you’ve had children. Your older self knows that it was very wrong but you’re only just realising that now and it sheds a very different light on a big chunk of your life and the relationships you had with those closest to you. It’s confusing and can be quite traumatic, even with those incidents that seem quite small. I know for me, it’s some of the smallest actions that have caused me the most grief. It can be a really difficult thing to unpick.

Further to that, having people tell you to basically just get over it, when you finally vocalise your concerns is hurtful and can make things so much worse. Most of the responses on this thread is why it’s taken me personally 30+ years to speak about my experiences and why I would rather keep the pain to myself than tell a soul.

OP the stately homes thread might be really useful for you. I’m a lurker and have learnt a lot about my own experiences and reactions. It’s really helped to unpick what is normal and what isn’t. Haven’t built up the courage to post myself yet though! Definitely go over and have a look

Anyone else reminded of Uncle Albert making gravy out of coffee, and then Del making him have some?

If this is the only thing you can remember that seemed unnecessary punishment and your parents were decent kind people then I think to be hanging on to it 23 years later is just a bit obsessive.