Would your DH behave in this way? AIBU (I don’t think so).

[alarmbell]

I really don’t mind people being honest about this scenario as sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. So yesterday, the plan was we were flying out at 6.30 (short haul flight) just for the weekend to attend an event held by one of DH’s friends. This meant picking up all 4 DC from their various schools at 3.40 / 4pm and just going straight to the airport. So we needed to be packed by 3pm.

In the morning, DH seemed to be working from home so he shut himself away in his office. I was packing, etc. He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing. He said he was too busy to think, so I asked him to put his stuff out in the bed because I had no idea whether to pack more formal stuff or if we needed outward bound gear etc. He was basically on the phone so I just left him to it because I could see he wasn’t going to answer. Then I had to go out for a blood test and pick up a few things.

I was feeling stressed while out because we had a pet sitter coming and I was aware I needed to get her bed ready and clean the house because the cleaner has been ill this last week. Also I was feeling a bit dizzy after the blood test and am generally shattered these days as it is. I hoped DH might have a least done something towards getting ready by the time so got back at 12.

What he was doing was ruining the garden. I have no idea why he felt the need to go out there when there was obviously stuff to do to get ready for a trip he had organised. He was hacking down trees with a chainsaw and then sawing all the wood into smaller pieces to fit them in the bins and then wheeling the bins through the house with all associated mud and mess. For what reason I don’t know.

At these times I feel like I can’t say anything to him because tbh, worlds fail me. Also he will say I’m being argumentative. So I got everyone packed, cleaned the house inc extra mud traipsed everywhere. Then he got in a mood because I told him not to come in the house with shoes on. So eventually we left to get the kids from various schools and he didn’t even ask what I’d packed for him. En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.

So here we are and I feel shattered today, although he in a great mood and the life and soul of proceedings. AIBU to think most DH’s wouid see what obviously needs to be done when you’re going away, even for just a weekend, and naturally get involved without being asked - rather than creating unnecessary mess and chaos instead?

There's a lot of complex stuff going on there and I don't buy that he's doing it intentionally to be an arsehole... im sure he THINKS hes doing it for the right reasons...

Stop asking him stuff like 'what do you want packing'...

If he asks for something you haven't the time to do or is unreasonable, say 'no'.

Just those two things to start with, no challenging, no major confrontation.

So for your original post, I would not have asked him what he wanted packing, I would have assumed he can pack for himself and that he would do so.

If he turns up for your weekend break without clothing.. his problem!

You can't unpick all this in one go, theres far too much. Just start with those two things and see where that gets you.

Only read the front page. I am a man though my name is not Arnold. He Whatsapped you for coffee and something to eat..???

BBwahahahaaaaaahahaha... I would have laughed so loud,opened the door and told him to fuck right off.

As for the other stuff,,well i think you have been wiping his arse for so long that hes forgotten how to do it for himself. He thinks your his mother. Cant help thinking he is being passive aggressive !

I'm in hysterics. Is this my husband?? I just read it out to him... he replied "well I would have packed my clothes first" I said "but you'd have still gone out with the chainsaw" he replied "yes"

My husband does exactly this! We'll be having people round and I'll be frantically cleaning, putting stuff away etc and hel start sorting under the stairs or drawers. No! Surface stuff for god sake! It drives me absolutely insane!!!

A couple of days before the trip I tell dh to gather whatever he is taking, and I will wash it. I then put it in the bag. He knows to pack anything else, or it won’t be packed. I have no issue with going away with none of his clothes packed if he doesn’t take responsibility, and he knows this.
He does also prioritise random shit though. He was out cutting the grass the night before we moved house, and we hadn’t even finished packing.

My OH decided to paint the back doors before his parents were arriving, he also decided that gutting the kitchen drawers were a good idea too, and clearing out the shelves too ..... he will also decide that the garden is a good place to sort out just before we travel... complete ass and I don’t pack his bags he is left to deal with his own and I deal with mine and the DC. It’s complete madness and I challenge my OH with his odd behaviours

I agree that "I do it all for you" is bullshit. It's his way of justifying having you run around after him, and why his demands always come first. If he was really "doing it for you" he would be listening to what your needs are, and making sure they were met. That's what happens in a healthy relationship. This is not normal or healthy.

alarmbell - I wonder if in some way your not saying "no" to your husband is to protect him from himself.

As busy as he is, I think all of it is a cover for profound pain and fragility ... and to say "no" would have the precarious status-quo of power crumble around you both.

In that moment, you may realise that, actually, it is you who is the powerful one, and his busyness has been a charade.

I think you're both avoiding having to look at a naked Emperor.

I think you've posted before OP.....and my opinion hasn't changed.

you would be better off without him.

I think the fact that you are going to therapy is good as I feel like the mists are clearing for you. Hopefully this is part of the next bit, which will be divorce. He does see you as his PA. He probably got married wanting a PA type wife. You don't want to do this anymore - I really hope you're on the road to stopping.

@alarmbell I have one of those too!
Friend coming to stay for couple of days and lots need doing-he'll clean the conservatory roof!
Packing car and roof box for weekend away (which I can't even reach!!)-he's fishing leaves out the pool
Family coming for long weekend-he empties the loft to sort it out practically making the rest of the house uninhabitable!!
Have a large G&T (or several!!) Xx

No I don’t want my DC to grow up resentful of their dad

You are not getting it. Your dc will grow up resentful of you and that would actually be the best outcome. There are worse outcomes than than that though

1. your sons grow up to be just like him
2. your daughters grow up kow towing to men just like you do

He says he’ll do anything in the world for me, everything he does is for me and the DC, so he feels I should be the same way back.

All this for you and dc, eh?

He races cars on actual car tracks and this has not helped with his road driving. Also he is massively into cycling, to the extent he goes say, from London to Brighton and back most Sundays, more if he’s training. Then at least twice a year he goes on week long cycling trips. He plays another sport regularly as well. He also goes diving and rock climbing and has had a few accidents in the last couple of years which have been very stressful and a lot of hospital appointments and admin / negotiations around that.

Anyfucker is spot on. My father was abusive (and yes he was lovely sometimes too). I no longer engage with him very much as an adult. I can never really forgive him, but equally it's been very hard to forgive my mum for not leaving him sooner. I do get that it's not easy to recognise abuse when you're in it, and it can be extremely difficult to leave. But if you can't leave for your own sake, at least protect your kids from it.

My DH might well request a breakfast if he reckoned he was busier than I. He might imply that I should pack his clothes. He definitely has been known to do such things as hack the garden up when we are on the point of leaving on holiday; in fact he does that sort of thing more often than not.

BUT if I said no to the breakfast (which I probably would do if it was the day of departure), and when I said no to packing his clothes (and I always say no to that, since the time he moaned that I hadn't brought something which apparently I should've known he wanted) he would not sulk. I would not feel guilty.

Your DH had plenty of time to pack for himself, unless this trip was all your idea and you sprang it on him Thursday evening. He knows where the toaster and the kettle are, and from the sound of it his job is NOT the sort where it's literally completely impossible to take five minutes to make himself tea and toast.

So I guess it would appear that my DH's behaviour is not a million miles removed from that of your DH. But the dynamic feels very different. I can say no to his cheeky attempts to extract a breakfast from me when I'm busy, or to expect me to pack his clothes. He accepts the theory that it's unreasonable to expect me to do all the work, though he'll get away with it if he can. At a push, I expect he'd admit that he ought to have packed his pants instead of slaughtering the garden. (He did in fact just go on holiday with only the pants he was wearing! He received zero sympathy from me, nor did I agree to accompany him round the local shops and translate for him on his pants quest. I suggested that he could mime his requirements.) He can be a bit of a plonker at times, but he suits me well enough!

My DH is a bit like this sometimes. I remember when we were emigrating it was an incredibly stressful time as we didn't have much warning and there was so much to sort. We both took a day off work to try and get on top of packing up the house. We didn't have a particularly detailed action plan to be fair, we'd just said I would do the bedroom and he would stay downstairs and do the living room. Bearing in mind it was a big bedroom and quite messy, in the time it took me to pack up the entire bedroom AND bag up the stuff for charity AND clean it AND rearrange furniture to how it was when we moved in, I came downstairs to find that he'd cleaned and alphabetised his record collection. In fact, he hadn't quite finished doing this yet. I was absolutely furious and he seemed clueless as to why. We had an argument that ended with me saying that I wasn't going with him anymore because I'd had enough of him not pulling his weight.

He got his arse into gear in the end and we made it through that stressful time, but I think some people just don't see what needs to be done in the same way. Not excusing laziness of course because if you've talked to him about this before and he keeps doing it then I'm afraid he's just being a selfish prick. But I do genuinely think it can be down to different perspectives on things. I know that accepting this way of thinking helped my husband and I to see each other's point of view more and have constructive conversations where we ask each other for help, rather than just getting angry and shouting at each other.

He’s totally self-absorbed and thinks he’s more important than you. He’s lucky to have you.

He just wants a 1950’s housewife.
The fact you say you have to go to therapy to endure him, says the most. He think you’ll stay for the money. Leave, take half and get paid more as a proper PA and find a man who loves you and wants to bring you a coffee in bed on the weekend so you can relax

I've read your previous threads and I'm afraid the only person with any serious chance of changing this situation is you, and it sounds like you're not ready to do that yet. However, I'd address the dangerous driving, as that puts you, the kids and other people in danger. Tell him no phone when behind the wheel (hopefully you don't use a phone either when driving?) If he has to make a call, you drive. I am guessing he is a terrible passenger too, so, no-one criticises anyone else's driving, either. You may have to threaten to get alternative transportation with the kids, bit frankly, it sounds like it'd be nicer and no-one is at risk of death that way. The guy has had accidents, which I'm guessing are of the fallen off a mountain variety, but I'd say he's at high risk of a RTA the way he carries on.

Change one thing and see what happens.

nope, mine gets his own coffee, unless i think i wonder if he would like one and i make it and take it to him without being asked...
mine packs his own bags, that way he gets what clothes and toiletries he wants, rather than me just stuffing shit in a bag
and mine wouldn't go out and do gardening etc he would have been out checking oil and Tyre pressure making sure the car stereo was working on all the speakers etc
and if mine tracked in mud on my floors?????? he just wouldnt!

He sounds like an arse.

Can I ask why the packing and cleaning etc was left until the morning you were leaving?

You clearly know the situation is wrong OP since you’ve posted for confirmation that you’re right. I certainly couldn’t live like that, what are you going to do about it?

Your posts made me so sad OP. You sound so worn out and "lost" in this awful relationship.

Others have talked about his WhatsApping you about drink/food but I also noticed his message to you "“Don’t buy chicken, I’m off it,” ". Great for him - what about all the other people in your (mutual) home? Why does he get to decide? Another PP mentioned being you treated like a servant and yes he is doing that - but servants also deserve respect don't they? They are sentient beings- not robots.

This man doesn't sound like he cares at all for you and your children. You are all staging posts in his life that add to what he wants others outside your marriage to see - trophies for him as a successful person.

I'm glad you are in therapy and discussing things with your counsellor - I hate to think how much worse it would be if you had nowhere to truly unburden yourself or analyse what is actually going on in your life. However I'm unsure you should share this with him - it doesn't sound as if you are anywhere strong enough to defend yourself if he decided to challenge you.

I hope you get the strength/resources before too long to get yourself and your children away from this emotionally abusive relationship whilst you have any spark left and before your children are adversely affected by it.

Good luck OP - really hope the future brings better for you.

Dh tried this once. He thought I’d pack for a weekend trip for him.

He went out on a works do the night before a very early morning flight. Hadn’t packed. I left him to it but woke him up and told him he needed to pack. He threw some things in a bag and then once we got there realised half the stuff he actually needed hadn’t been packed.

He’s only done it the once...

My DH can be a bit of a prat in a similar way. Often when we are just about to go somewhere he will spot that something irrelevant needs doing and decide it has to be done there and then (I assume your DH noticed the trees needed doing and everything else paled into insignificance). We will then end up being late because he absolutely had to sort out the dripping tap that had been dripping for weeks and can wait one more day. Infuriating, and I wish I had an answer for this idiotic behaviour.

Mine is similar in ridiculous prioritisation. I put it down to his adhd. However I challenge him and don’t put up with shit. He’s also not an arsehole so wants to do the right thing, even if he’s insistent at the time he has got better over the years, he know does the bulk due to my mobility issues. And I’ve learnt to let the standards slip somewhat. I suspect FIL is the same but was allowed to carry on so played a bit part in parenting and housework. He’s really struggling now MIL is unwell.