Would your DH behave in this way? AIBU (I don’t think so).

[alarmbell]

I really don’t mind people being honest about this scenario as sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. So yesterday, the plan was we were flying out at 6.30 (short haul flight) just for the weekend to attend an event held by one of DH’s friends. This meant picking up all 4 DC from their various schools at 3.40 / 4pm and just going straight to the airport. So we needed to be packed by 3pm.

In the morning, DH seemed to be working from home so he shut himself away in his office. I was packing, etc. He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing. He said he was too busy to think, so I asked him to put his stuff out in the bed because I had no idea whether to pack more formal stuff or if we needed outward bound gear etc. He was basically on the phone so I just left him to it because I could see he wasn’t going to answer. Then I had to go out for a blood test and pick up a few things.

I was feeling stressed while out because we had a pet sitter coming and I was aware I needed to get her bed ready and clean the house because the cleaner has been ill this last week. Also I was feeling a bit dizzy after the blood test and am generally shattered these days as it is. I hoped DH might have a least done something towards getting ready by the time so got back at 12.

What he was doing was ruining the garden. I have no idea why he felt the need to go out there when there was obviously stuff to do to get ready for a trip he had organised. He was hacking down trees with a chainsaw and then sawing all the wood into smaller pieces to fit them in the bins and then wheeling the bins through the house with all associated mud and mess. For what reason I don’t know.

At these times I feel like I can’t say anything to him because tbh, worlds fail me. Also he will say I’m being argumentative. So I got everyone packed, cleaned the house inc extra mud traipsed everywhere. Then he got in a mood because I told him not to come in the house with shoes on. So eventually we left to get the kids from various schools and he didn’t even ask what I’d packed for him. En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.

So here we are and I feel shattered today, although he in a great mood and the life and soul of proceedings. AIBU to think most DH’s wouid see what obviously needs to be done when you’re going away, even for just a weekend, and naturally get involved without being asked - rather than creating unnecessary mess and chaos instead?

Bloody hell Chest, you could be me. DH is 54 and realising DD23 is textbook ADD has made me aware that he has definite traits.

Mumsnet is so good for those lightbulb moments.

En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.

He will never let me drive, even when he has calls to make and yes, it’s extremely stressful and I feel on edge the whole time. It stops everyone communicating and it’s absolutely ridiculous, but he does this all the time and he won’t listen if I say I’ll drive.

Enough.
This man is a reckless driver, a menace to all on the road.
He is breaking the law.
You feel on edge? Your 4 kids will be terrified.
Enough.

This cannot go on any more.
He could seriously injure or kill anyone by driving this way.

If he insists on driving when he is ‘pumped’, do not get in the car.
Do not let your children in the car.

I do pack for my DH whenever we go away because I don't mind doing it and he doesn't like it. And I do this because, while I'm packing, he'll be doing the jobs I don't like doing, like last minute washing up, hoovering etc.

What he is doing to you is abusive. No if or buts.

If my DH WatsApped me for coffee and food, I'd just send a couple of emojis.

IHateUncleJamie I get you

Thankyou for all the comments and I am reading them all. No I don’t want my DC to grow up resentful of their dad. That would be terrible. I’m aware of how I must sound and to be absolutely honest, I think so was in a fog for years, but I am in therapy now. I’m some ways I feel extremely privileged, but I’m other ways I do feel restricted and like I’m walking on eggshells yes. For instance, he works every evening if he needs to, as well as weekends or holidays. When the kids were little I used to tell him not to respond to people at 10pm because this was making a rod for his own back, but it was a losing battle and now it’s the norm and has been for 15 years. I feel as if because he’s working in the evenings, I have to be busy too. So I feel guilty if I want to watch tv, for instance. He can be very demanding. He used to have no awareness of this, but he did admit it the other week. As I said, I am in therapy and it’s helped a lot.

Well, you (or he) lost me at He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat, to be honest.

And as for
Even the gifts for his friend this weekend (which are very specific sport items) I had to get and the gifts for this man’s 3 DC.

why did you 'have to'? What if you just, you know, hadn't?

Seriously, stop letting him bully and control you.

Think yourself lucky OP. My last baby was a home birth and I ventured downstairs around lunchtime to find he had decided to sweep the Rayburn chimney!! Soot literally everywhere... I cried.

No, my dh would not behave as yours did. We function as a team and work with each other.

You sound absolutely terrified of him and that is very concerning. In my mind I see you as a cowering shadow afraid to voice your perfectly reasonable thoughts and opinions on anything and him as a towering monster deliberately using his temper and behaviour, (the hyped to the max description you use) to control and diminish you. Furthermore, he is well aware how afraid of him you are and is using it to his advantage.

Please continue with the counselling and seek further help, this is no way to live.

Well my DH does love a bit of a faff before we have to travel somewhere, it comes from a place of anxiety. I go to the other extreme & become super organised.

However I have never packed for him, I just tend to leave him to it eg go to a gym class.

He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing.

You do know how deeply ...unusual this is in a realtionship. Husbands don't order food from their wives as if they were a room service in a hotel. Wives don't pack for their husbands unless there is an emergency. Even SAHM's don't include this in their job description.

You have got yourself into a very toxic interaction where he thinks your job is to service him and you are scared of him. Thank god you are in therapy. I don't know how you live like this because I would be a ball of stress. Is there any possibility you could simply stop the "secretary from the 1950s" stuff and let him off. Basically in the situation you describe you should have said to him "I'm too busy to get coffee" and "I'm not packing for you so you'd better sort it out soon".

It's not your husband that's the problem it's you for mothering him. Do you want to be his wife or mother ?

It's not your husband that's the problem it's you for mothering him.

Don't be ridiculous. A man who orders food from his wife, expects her to pack for him, scatters his stress all over the family, refuses to let her drive and renders his wife scared to contront him IS a problem. She HAS the problem.

He races cars on actual car tracks and this has not helped with his road driving. Also he is massively into cycling, to the extent he goes say, from London to Brighton and back most Sundays, more if he’s training. Then at least twice a year he goes on week long cycling trips. He plays another sport regularly as well. He also goes diving and rock climbing and has had a few accidents in the last couple of years which have been very stressful and a lot of hospital appointments and admin / negotiations around that. He basically takes on too many things and then it becomes a vicious circle and I fell like I bear the brunt, but feel powerless to stop him. Also at work, he takes on too many projects and then gets annoyed with everyone if they don’t fulfil them. Also he is on the stock market a lot and the City Index and that’s another rollercoaster, but he seems addicted to it. I can’t mske head nor tail of most of what he’s doing because there are so many aspects to it and everything is super-complicated all the time.

Have you ever challenged him and said “No.”? What happened?

If you haven’t, what do you honestly think would happen?

Dh does shit like this. Usually before a day out/planned trip. He will suddenly feel the need to start hoovering or diy when we need to leave in 30 mins. When I point this out he normally starts shouting at me.

and where do you and your children fit into that extensive list of things your dh does?

When does he spend time with you and as a family?

You are, I'm sorry to say, enabling him to do all the things he wants to do - he doesn't need to do all the stuff in that list - by acting as his PA, housekeeper, child-minder, skivvy and you are too fearful of him to voice any objection.

He doesn't see you as his partner, he doesn't see you and his children as family even, you are all just there to facilitate him and his ego.

I have read all your posts on this thread with ieasing horror.

The only thing he takes any responsibility for is his work, the most important thing is always what HE is doing right now. Awful.

I'd certainly stop facilitating him by constantly running errands forhim. He treats you liis sert and youbehave li yo are so he keeps treating you like that. Stop.

Tell him to make his own coffee and lunch, pick up his own gifts for his friends, pack his own case. If he doesn't then he has the stuff he stands up in and that'll have to do.

You have to stop running around after him.

and I'm not surprised you are shattered you sound wretched, worn down and totally exhausted. If you don't change this situation your body and mind will very soon do it for you and then who will do all you do?

My therapist asked if I had ever said no to my husband and if I felt I could. I said I couldn’t remember having just said a blunt, “no”, just like that. So he asked me why. I said I knew he wouldn’t be verbally or physically abusive and that’s not an issue, think it’s more the way I would imagine he would look at me and the guilt / confusion / unnerving factor. I still don’t know, to be honest. Its hard to put into words. I mean if I have a massive meltdown or get ill he’ll be absolutely lovely for a period, but he wouldn’t think the meltdown is anything to do with him. He says he’ll do anything in the world for me, everything he does is for me and the DC, so he feels I should be the same way back.

Him being ‘busy’ is his way of avoiding basic household tasks

Ask him how he would cope of you divorced? If he had the kids every weekend?

Ask him to think about it

He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing

Absolutely ridiculous. Who the hell does he think he is?
This needs to stop immediately. If he wants a coffee and food he can get up and get something himself - not whatsapp his WIFE. I am self-employed and work from home. It can be stressful sometimes but I am perfectly capable of getting up and making a cup of tea.

If someone presents as “at the max” the whole time, you feel as if you can’t ask them to do anything extra. I think he actually is at the max a lot of the time, but sometimes I wonder if he uses it as a means of control.

I can totally sympathize with this. This is what my ex was like. I ended up having to pack for every holiday and also clean the house for the petsitter (who wasn't staying overnight but I still wanted the place nice for them). He did bloody nothing and simply got in the car at the point of departure like some kind of Lord of the Manor and then enjoyed a fabulous holiday - which I had booked, every time. If I asked him to help he would become angry and say he had too much to do.
He also presented as being "at the max" - if he had given up one or more of his many activities and concentrated on doing a couple of them properly as well as his work of course, he wouldn't have been at the max and would have been capable of making a normal, fair contribution to the household.

Unfortunately I fell into the trap - sounds like you have too - of wanting to help him and therefore enabling this appalling behaviour. In order to ensure the continued help, the man must continue to present himself as being extremely busy, extremely important, extremely stressed out etc.

The person who is really "at the max" is you OP (and it was me). It ends up sucking you dry. I was an empty shell after 5 years of this kind of thing.
I wish I had had the courage and strength to refuse to pack for him earlier and to refuse to do various things for him.
People on mumsnet give advice (which is good advice) to refuse to do this that and the other - but it isn't always that easy. You want to avoid a drama, you want to make sure everything is organized for the holiday etc.

Don't know what to advise you really - only that since I finally got shot of my fuckwit ex, I am a new person with so much time and energy.

This sounds very stressful. You need to decide what you are happy to do and take it from there. As I see it, you're rushing like a headless chicken while he does his own thing.

Don't ask him to help, tell. Be very clear when he starts jobs which are irrelevant. It will be hard at first but you will both get used to it. If you carry as you are, you'll make yourself ill

alarmbell He says he’ll do anything in the world for me, everything he does is for me and the DC, so he feels I should be the same way back.

Yeah he says that but he doesn't actually do it, does he?

Everything you have described him doing is for the benefit of him and him alone. He has managed to bamboozle you so much you think everything he does is super complicated and important.

Why on earth would you feel guilty for saying "No"? The only reason is because he has done such a number on you that you don't believe you are a person worthy of consideration and an opinion.

Yes my energy has been so down, abnormally so, recently, I went for the blood test because I thought there might be something wrong with me.
I’m very grateful to DH for many things but I think I have to stop feeling guilty and responsible for his stress. The kids are enough. Also so need to prioritise myself and not feel guilty about that. Maybe I can’t stop him burning out, but I can control how I react. Thankyou.