Would your DH behave in this way? AIBU (I don’t think so).

[alarmbell]

I really don’t mind people being honest about this scenario as sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. So yesterday, the plan was we were flying out at 6.30 (short haul flight) just for the weekend to attend an event held by one of DH’s friends. This meant picking up all 4 DC from their various schools at 3.40 / 4pm and just going straight to the airport. So we needed to be packed by 3pm.

In the morning, DH seemed to be working from home so he shut himself away in his office. I was packing, etc. He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing. He said he was too busy to think, so I asked him to put his stuff out in the bed because I had no idea whether to pack more formal stuff or if we needed outward bound gear etc. He was basically on the phone so I just left him to it because I could see he wasn’t going to answer. Then I had to go out for a blood test and pick up a few things.

I was feeling stressed while out because we had a pet sitter coming and I was aware I needed to get her bed ready and clean the house because the cleaner has been ill this last week. Also I was feeling a bit dizzy after the blood test and am generally shattered these days as it is. I hoped DH might have a least done something towards getting ready by the time so got back at 12.

What he was doing was ruining the garden. I have no idea why he felt the need to go out there when there was obviously stuff to do to get ready for a trip he had organised. He was hacking down trees with a chainsaw and then sawing all the wood into smaller pieces to fit them in the bins and then wheeling the bins through the house with all associated mud and mess. For what reason I don’t know.

At these times I feel like I can’t say anything to him because tbh, worlds fail me. Also he will say I’m being argumentative. So I got everyone packed, cleaned the house inc extra mud traipsed everywhere. Then he got in a mood because I told him not to come in the house with shoes on. So eventually we left to get the kids from various schools and he didn’t even ask what I’d packed for him. En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.

So here we are and I feel shattered today, although he in a great mood and the life and soul of proceedings. AIBU to think most DH’s wouid see what obviously needs to be done when you’re going away, even for just a weekend, and naturally get involved without being asked - rather than creating unnecessary mess and chaos instead?

Has he always been like this @alarmbell? He sounds quite abusive.

Excuse me - did I read this correctly - he messaged you asking for coffee and a snack? That's messaged you, not called from upstairs - hey love chance of a brew? For the love of all that is holy, stop being his slave.

Also sounds as if you're walking on eggshells as he gets 'angry' when you challenge him. That him shutting you down - not a comfortable state for a relationship to be in.

But lets give the man the benefit of the doubt. Clearly he's not a man who is a natural at running a house, so you have a couple of options - let him get on with what he does and you pick up the slack, ie where you are now. And that's not working for you.

The other option ( and I find this works best in my family, although it iritates me) is to tell people what is expected of them - ie every thing out on the bed if they want things packed, washing up done ( and put away!!!) and just as importantly by when. It may help to spell out consequences if your requests are not followed.

We have a house rule - if it's on the bed - I will pack it. If it's not of the bed- well it won't be joining us on holiday. DP has found himself on holiday with no underwear, socks or trousers once. I'd love to be able to say this only happened once but it was 2 separate holidays....

Bottom line - stop being the back stop.

Some of this is really worrying, OP.

I don't think he treats you well at all.

You are his wife, not his skivvy. You're a partner, not a PA.

He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30

I’m sorry, he did WHAT? Does he have legs that work?

As for you being “disrespectful” if you question him, is he your Dad or your DH? Doesn’t sound as if he respects YOU.

He treats you like this because you let him. Demand more respect and see how he takes it. Don't bite your tongue, don't be scared of standing up for yourself and do not let him drive if it's safer for you to. Just do not move from the seat, he can throw a tantrum and you can drive off.

Imagine how much time you would have to yourself if you left him?

Mine would behave exactly like this, even down to the bike faffing.

But
I wouldn’t wait on him with food or coffee unless he was incredibly busy, asked really nicely and reciprocated on a regular basis.
I would never ever pack for him.
I would insist he cleans up the mud.
I would insist he doesn’t try to do a deal on the phone while driving (have actually got out of the car before now when he’s done this).

Basically, my DH is naturally like yours but I have refused to condone his behaviour. I’m not denying the faffing stresses me out but I have learned to chill about that too.

If someone presents as “at the max” the whole time, you feel as if you can’t ask them to do anything extra. I think he actually is at the max a lot of the time, but sometimes I wonder if he uses it as a means of control. I know that sounds awful but I’m in therapy and this has come up there to be honest. But he does work very hard, I can’t criticise him on that. It’s not as if I can accuse him of being lazy. He expects everyone to be as hyper as him though and the fact is, very few people are, including me. On the plus side, he is very supportive if I’m upset about external things and he’s very generous in many ways. I don’t think he means badly.

You tell him you're not his PA but then you concede to every demand, so... you are his PA. What would happen if you just went on strike? Muted his texts and WhatsApp, just did your stuff/ran the house how you wanted to, for a week? What would he do?

Does he have any good points?

He's a wanker.
A self-important, "I'm too busy for that trivial life stuff, YOU sort it out" wanker.

Fuck getting him coffee and food, let him get his own.
Fuck packing for him, let him do it himself.

My DH and I have this kind of sorted, because he has tendencies in this direction - so I do mine and the boys' stuff, and he does his own because I outright refuse to, when he does fuck all to help out with the boys.

If he were to take the boys away, as he sometimes does (to his mother's, usually) - I pack for them. I make sure they have extra food, tooth cleaning stuff, change of clothes etc., because none of that crosses his mind. Half the time he'll forget his own toothbrush/paste, but mostly he doesn't. If I didn't do it for the boys, it wouldn't happen so I'm not standing on principle where they're concerned while they're young - when they're older, then they'll learn to do it for themselves as well.

Please stop pandering to his overbearing "I'm so much more important than YOU" shit.

Doesn't this high alert stuff affect your kids ?

He's nuts 🙄

Why are his feelings more important than yours? He sounds dreadful.

I think you are due a colossal meltdown op, followed by this has to change and these are the things I’m NEVER EVER DOING FOR YOU AGAIN.
I’d have quite possibly actually stood in the yard screaming what the fuck are you doing, taken his bag out emptied everything and thrown it at him. Shouting something like if you have so much fucking free time you can choose now to kill all of our trees you can pack your own bags.

You really really shouldn’t consider keeping on with the current set up, you’re just a slave. My dh packs for himself and I make him pack the family stuff like medicines, snacks for the kids etc. Because I realised he packed for himself , I packed for everyone else and all the family stuff, it would be midnight and I hadn’t packed anything for me and he had gone to bed, and I take ages doing my ownpacking.

Stop bowing to his every whim. Are you his slave or his partner? You do realise as your kids get older they are going to think your a doormat! If you had told your partner you weren't doing his packing I guarantee he would of done his own in the end.

Yep mine would minus the aggressive driving. DH decided the day we were going on holiday and the day we had to go to dd1s school early for dds end of year play to dismantle our shed not exactly sure what was going through his head I'd been asking him to do it for 2 months but of course that was the perfect day to do it

Sounds incredible stressful to live with. DH used to do stuff like that. If we were going away he would decide that was the time to download music onto something or do something else that took ages. I flipped at him a few times and he is better now.

Does his own packing. Tried a few times to get me to do it by saying he would just leave stuff on the bed for me to pack. I left it there. I packed for DS and I. No way was I packing for him too. I did tell him! Didn’t just leave him with nothing! Told him if he was getting stuff together he may as well put it in a bag as in he bed.

Your DH does these things because he can. I argue back. I make my feelings clear. If he doesn’t like it tough. I don’t like what he is doing. If we both air our feelings we know where the other one stands and can compromise. Which is what happens now. We tend to know we both get stressed so we prepare with lists for each of us as to what needs doing before we go away so it gets done in good time and not at the last minute. He will still try to do something stupid occasionally but all in all it’s ok.

He is great at a lot of things but would never think about guest bathrooms btw!

Yep, mine works hard, always busy, always hyper, important Managing Director, 4 kids, event to train for etc. You have t draw your line in the sand. I did mine fairly early on in our relationship but it’s never too late.

OP it's simple: STOP... just STOP. Do not comply with whatsapped requests for refreshments. When he is away and he texts ordering you to do something you reply NO. When he texts 'don't buy chicken' respond ' I will buy chicken there are six people in this family, you are not the centre of the universe and we like chicken, etc.

You may think it's impossible and it may be for you to stop doing all those things but just say NO once. Please just try.

You know this is not a normal way to live, right? God knows what your children are learning from living with this arsehole.

I'm sorry but your posts have shocked me so much.

I would also just say if you need help and support for this, there is no better place than the Relationship Board - the posters have experienced so much themselves they have excellent advice and will provide support and see you through to whatever you wish the outcome to be.

My dh has a very intense job and I find that if we are going somewhere or have plans he finds disconnecting very difficult (understanding fully that he chose his job :)). However, he will do a random physical unrelated thing at the last minute. I am used to it now but boy was it strange in the beginning.
OP - it is time for you to roll back your responsibilities re him. Part of that will be the packing, gift buying etc. Does not have to be a drama either. Every time "I don't have time to pack/buy etc today" on repeat. I bet you are racing around, het up and trying to get everything done against the clock while he is at home in "crisis mode" cutting down trees!! Time to re calibrate.

I am sorry OP, you are clearly frustrated but the saddest part of your posts is that you seem afraid of your husband, he treats you like a servant who is beneath him, that he and everything he does is so much more important than anything you need or have to say! He is a bully and an emotional abuser! I bet everyone outside of your home things he is the best guy they ever met, hilarious, charming, funny, but you and your children live on eggshells, desperate not to set him off, into an aggressive tirade/ explosion.

My Mother lived your life and I was so influenced by it that when my husband and I moved in together, he had to sit me down and tell me that we were partners/ equals and that he was a grown man who could get up and make his own breakfast, pack his own lunch and pack his own bags. He actually worried about offending me as he asked me not to pack his bag, saying ‘Sorry Claire, but I need to know that everything I need is in that bag, if I forget something it will be my fault, not yours’. Strangely, his parents had the same dynamic as mine, he was never allowed to do ANY housework or cooking, his Mother screamed and shouted abuse at him when he came home early and made dinner for his parents before they came home from work. Growing up with controlling parents between us, we have a very fair partnership. Our children are so much happier and healthier emotionally than my dh and I were growing up. I know that I have won the dh lottery, I could so easily have repeated history but thankfully my dh is a good and kind man.

Are you happy OP? Because one day, your kids will be gone and you will still be being abused and controlled by an aggressive bully! My Mum stayed, she has been miserable for years, I tried so many times to get her to leave but she couldn’t/ wouldn’t and I feel so sad for her.

Do you have a dd? Would you like her to be treated the way your dh treats you?

Crossed posts with your updates, so I'm re-tracting the benefit of the doubt. He's got you just where he wants you and that's as his PA, with the sex thrown in. Actually any self respecting PA wouldn't be hoovering up mud.

It's your choice Alarmbell, but it's no way to live your life and no example to set your children about how healthy relationships should function. I think you need to take a bit of a stock take of how your life is panning out. Maybe treat yourself to some counselling focusing on improving your confidence on saying 'no' and challenging the bullying behaviour of others.

I bet there's at least one other woman at this weekend away who sees exactly what is going on with your relationship.

Yes it must affect the kids Ooogey, but he’s always been like this. He does do stuff with the kids though, I wouldn’t say he’s detached. He used to get very defensive if I ever suggested to him his stress was affecting the household and it wasn’t fair on the kids. But I am in therapy now and this has helped me to separate things out and persist with him more. It usually takes him about 4 days to mull over something I say on this matter but at least he doesn't fly off the handle any more.

He's got you well trained - do as he says or he'll strop and by the way he'll set you up to be a party pooper as you are exhausted and stressed over the weekend and everyone can see what a trial he has being married to you.

My husband was similar to yours until I was ready to divorce him. I just got tired of being belittled and feeling like the house servant.
We went to couple counselling and my pent up fury really came out. Just because I don’t earn his salary doesn’t make me a second class citizen. It doesn’t make my life dedicated to his every need.
Now, we have a rota for the housework, he packs himself and cooks (badly but it happens) . It’s amazing how much less mess is made by him when he has to clean too
If you let yourself a be doormat, people will wipe their feet on you. You sound lovely, he sounds a d!ck. please stop enabling. You are worth more than this, if you don’t think so, look for support on self esteem/confidence. Take care x