Would your DH behave in this way? AIBU (I don’t think so).

[alarmbell]

I really don’t mind people being honest about this scenario as sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. So yesterday, the plan was we were flying out at 6.30 (short haul flight) just for the weekend to attend an event held by one of DH’s friends. This meant picking up all 4 DC from their various schools at 3.40 / 4pm and just going straight to the airport. So we needed to be packed by 3pm.

In the morning, DH seemed to be working from home so he shut himself away in his office. I was packing, etc. He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing. He said he was too busy to think, so I asked him to put his stuff out in the bed because I had no idea whether to pack more formal stuff or if we needed outward bound gear etc. He was basically on the phone so I just left him to it because I could see he wasn’t going to answer. Then I had to go out for a blood test and pick up a few things.

I was feeling stressed while out because we had a pet sitter coming and I was aware I needed to get her bed ready and clean the house because the cleaner has been ill this last week. Also I was feeling a bit dizzy after the blood test and am generally shattered these days as it is. I hoped DH might have a least done something towards getting ready by the time so got back at 12.

What he was doing was ruining the garden. I have no idea why he felt the need to go out there when there was obviously stuff to do to get ready for a trip he had organised. He was hacking down trees with a chainsaw and then sawing all the wood into smaller pieces to fit them in the bins and then wheeling the bins through the house with all associated mud and mess. For what reason I don’t know.

At these times I feel like I can’t say anything to him because tbh, worlds fail me. Also he will say I’m being argumentative. So I got everyone packed, cleaned the house inc extra mud traipsed everywhere. Then he got in a mood because I told him not to come in the house with shoes on. So eventually we left to get the kids from various schools and he didn’t even ask what I’d packed for him. En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.

So here we are and I feel shattered today, although he in a great mood and the life and soul of proceedings. AIBU to think most DH’s wouid see what obviously needs to be done when you’re going away, even for just a weekend, and naturally get involved without being asked - rather than creating unnecessary mess and chaos instead?

Oh god just leave the idiot already! He's awful

He says he’ll do anything in the world for me, everything he does is for me and the DC, so he feels I should be the same way back.

No. Everything he does is for him and his ego. He wants to be successful and powerful for him not you. If it was for you, you'd be included not treated like a servant.

And if anyone is doing 'everything for the family' it's you

Please continue with the therapy, you really need to have your eyes opened to what your life really is.

Oh OP, this is no way to live. It's no way for your DCs to live either - what on earth do you think you're teaching them (whether they're boys or girls) for their future relationships? Worse, what are you (by default) allowing your DH to teach them is acceptable? But I can sense you're so ground down by it all you've been made to think this is all your responsibility.

It isn't.

My marriage is far from perfect in many ways, but it's rare my DH has failed to have at least tried to be mindful of everyone else's needs in the family. Yes, the "tunnel vision" thing is common in men, my DH too (who often spends Sunday mornings faffing around in the garden when, frankly, it's not important - and it drives me insane) but I'm not afraid to call him out on it, nor does he over-react if I do.

And yes, his job is extremely stressful, involving late nights, trips away and paperwork he has to do at home because he's very senior in his line of work. But that can/should never stop him being a decent and thoughtful human being. Your husband sounds neither of those things.

Listen to your therapist, OP. He's trying to get you to reclaim the person you have every right to be. You're no one's slave.

I’m glad you’re having therapy, op. It sounds like you need it and that it’s challenging you to see yourself and your relationship differently.

Your h sounds AWFUL. selfish, abusive - wtd re the trees and dragging the fucking wheelie bins through the house? I would have been raging.

In a normal relationship you should be able to say no to your partner. You should be able to laugh at them and tell they’re being a muppet. There should be give and take. You shouldn’t feel scared to challenge them or say no to them.

Your h treats you like a servant. Sod that for a game of soldiers. This is how your dc will think relationships should be.

This was my husband. We would be about to leave the house to go on holiday and he would start putting a shelf up that had been sitting there for months. Or about to leave for a wedding and decide that the grass needs cutting! Now I tell him that we are leaving earlier and if one these jobs comes up at least we have built in some faffing time.
I also work part-time so it's my job to do most of the house stuff as I have more time. However, I realised that he tuned out even on weekend when this stuff could be shared so I now give options and say "do you want to start dinner or bath the kids?" Or "get the washing in or make the beds".
I don't feel resentful and he doesn't think I'm telling him what to do.
Could you discuss what needs doing and then say I will do x,y,z if you could help with...?
As for texting for food and drinks - only if you were making something for yourself anyway! Say, just doing x,y,z but can do in half an hour and do it when you are ready. Don't stop your schedule on his whims.

OP I don't understand why it's you that has to be in therapy when he's the one that is constantly claiming to be "highly stressed" maybe he should get some therapy to cope more with the demands of his job. Can I ask what he does that's so important or would that be too outing? Obviously if you feel you need and are benefitting from therapy then great but it seems like your saying it's all ok cause I'm in therapy

He’s a cunt.
Leave him.
What does he actually bring to your life?
Get your ducks in a row and get out.
Fucking abusive dick.

This is how your dc will think relationships should be.

They will, and when they get older they will either start treating you like a servant and then probably try to treat their own partners that way - or marry controllers like your DH and become doormats themselves.

This is not a partnership. Your DH treats you like a posession, servant and unpaid PA who (I assume) he also gets to shag. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable. It isn’t.

OP, it looks like you're in therapy because your situation is so bad, not because you need therapy.

Why is he WhatsApping you for food and drinks and why are you packing for him? He's an adult!!

He should be in therapy but he would just walk out. He has a lot to deal with from his childhood, in my view, and I think he is hyper as a way of avoiding having to stop and think. His family were thrown out of their country and his father had mental health problems . He has a lot more physical stamina than I do though. I’m also dealing with specific form of childhood trauma in the therapy which is why DH thinks I go. He’s not aware he comes up in the sessions too, but I have begun to tell him a few things.

Forgotmycoat He's a faffer. The best solution is to kill him.

My husband is a lazy fucker around the house but I don’t pack for him. He knows weeks if not months in advance that we are going anywhere, i usually pack about two days in advance he does it the night before but always does it. It takes both of us twenty minutes max for a weekend away.

Just tell him you are not packing for him anymore. Depending on the age of the DC mine did that themselves too from about 12. Your dh therefore is acting that a prepubescent child.

I’m sorry, we have to go to dinner now, but I will catch up as and when I can and I am reading every post, even if I can’t reply to individuals. I’m so very grateful for all the responses because this is from the real world, not a therapy session. Thankyou so much for all this.

. He says he’ll do anything in the world for me

Except, presumably, make you a coffee on demand the way he expects you to do, because he'll be too busy. A promise to do anything for someone is meaningless if that person is too scared to ask the promiser to actually do things for them.

Remind yourself you are not responsible for your DH. You aren't responsible for his stress, his happiness or his workload. He is. It is not your job or role as a wife to look after him. Honestly. It's okay to let him sort himself out, and it's perfectly reasonable to point out that fucking about in the garden is not the best help in the world when there's a lot to sort out inside the house.

Your first priority is yourself and your kids. You sound like a lovely person doing their best and I hope therapy really helps you.

You're an absolute mug.

Yes my energy has been so down, abnormally so, recently, I went for the blood test because I thought there might be something wrong with me.I’m very grateful to DH for many things but I think I have to stop feeling guilty and responsible for his stress.

This was me. Exactly this. I have a medical phobia so I was really avoiding going to the doctor even though I was completely exhausted. Then ex left and suddenly within a month all the symptoms I had simply disappeared.
It is really draining having someone going on like that. Also you are sort of living off adrenaline - they are doing so much and are here there and everywhere and you end up feeling like you can't rest either.
My ex also never seemed to be capable of remembering where he was supposed to be and when and I was supposed to remind him of things.

You need to stop doing some of the things for him. If you are in the house when he is working from home can you start by not looking at Whatsapp? I find this completely and utterly disrespectful. Him coming out of his room and asking you personally to make something for him would be bad enough.. but that Whatsapp thing is an outrage.
Ignore any Whatsapp requests for food/drinks.

The next time some trip is organized tell him you won't be packing for him and then don't.

It reminds me so much of my ex. Now I can see that I was an enabler. They don't learn the consequences of their actions - ie. you don't pack, you don't have clothes for your trip.

He says he’ll do anything in the world for me

The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me was "judge someone by what they do, not what they say.

He’s not aware he comes up in the sessions too, but I have begun to tell him a few things.

Please don't.

Not yet (if ever)

Think what a nice calm life you could have just you and the kids, with him in another property whatsapping himself for a coffee. Bliss.

You have never directly said no to him? That is very concerning! So you have never said no when he asks for sex? You feel you can’t ever say no?

This is abuse! Abusers don’t always hit, shout or scream, they can be much more subtle and make life so unpleasant for you that you learn to do everything that they ask/ demand because you fear the withdrawal of affection, the silent treatment, the disapproval/disappointment that they have met you with in the past! It’s not normal and you don’t need to live this way!

Are you truly happy? Can you see yourself living this same life for the rest of your days?

Have a read of this link

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

You might want to buy the actual book which the excerpts are from Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’- I can see a bit of the water torturer from reading your posts, but I don’t know you or your dh, so you would be better looking into this yourself.

Well, he's a buffoon who is full of his own self importance and you're just there, jumping through hoops in order to keep the peace.

God, I couldn't live like that.

OP do you work? Or are you financially reliant on him?

He's hyper, overbearing and a macho dickhead. You're his PA puppet!

Maybe you said but are you a SAHM? He has little respect for you and will continue to be entitled and inconsiderate because that's the pattern of behaviour he's imposed and you've accepted. Is there love? Does he have redeeming features? None of this sounds healthy - start making an escape plan, you might need it.

My guess. He makes a shit ton of money and you and your family live very well indeed.

In which case his mindset is you owe him. For everything and for ever. He won't change. This is your life, your "go". Imagine when your DCs have left home what will your life be like then?

How anyone can stay in a relationship like that is a mystery to me.