Would your DH behave in this way? AIBU (I don’t think so).

[alarmbell]

I really don’t mind people being honest about this scenario as sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. So yesterday, the plan was we were flying out at 6.30 (short haul flight) just for the weekend to attend an event held by one of DH’s friends. This meant picking up all 4 DC from their various schools at 3.40 / 4pm and just going straight to the airport. So we needed to be packed by 3pm.

In the morning, DH seemed to be working from home so he shut himself away in his office. I was packing, etc. He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing. He said he was too busy to think, so I asked him to put his stuff out in the bed because I had no idea whether to pack more formal stuff or if we needed outward bound gear etc. He was basically on the phone so I just left him to it because I could see he wasn’t going to answer. Then I had to go out for a blood test and pick up a few things.

I was feeling stressed while out because we had a pet sitter coming and I was aware I needed to get her bed ready and clean the house because the cleaner has been ill this last week. Also I was feeling a bit dizzy after the blood test and am generally shattered these days as it is. I hoped DH might have a least done something towards getting ready by the time so got back at 12.

What he was doing was ruining the garden. I have no idea why he felt the need to go out there when there was obviously stuff to do to get ready for a trip he had organised. He was hacking down trees with a chainsaw and then sawing all the wood into smaller pieces to fit them in the bins and then wheeling the bins through the house with all associated mud and mess. For what reason I don’t know.

At these times I feel like I can’t say anything to him because tbh, worlds fail me. Also he will say I’m being argumentative. So I got everyone packed, cleaned the house inc extra mud traipsed everywhere. Then he got in a mood because I told him not to come in the house with shoes on. So eventually we left to get the kids from various schools and he didn’t even ask what I’d packed for him. En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.

So here we are and I feel shattered today, although he in a great mood and the life and soul of proceedings. AIBU to think most DH’s wouid see what obviously needs to be done when you’re going away, even for just a weekend, and naturally get involved without being asked - rather than creating unnecessary mess and chaos instead?

OP, he sounds emotionally abusive and controlling. Lots of things on there own are not such an issue (I've been guilty of whatsapping for coffee... But usually when the baby has fallen asleep on me). But all of this together? This isn't healthy.

you feel as if you can’t ask them to do anything extra.

But he does do extra things by deciding that minute is the time to faff with trees or bikes. If he has time to do that, he has time to get himself a coffee and get some things out for you to pack.

This “high alert” behaviour and you jumping to his every command must mean you’re walking on eggshells all the time. That’s a chronically stressful environment for you and your DCs and it’s not a healthy way to live. It is a form of control as his mood affects the entire house.

Are you a SAHM? It reads as if you are and feel you have to keep him happy because he brings in all the money. That’s not an equal partnership.

Whatsapp might not bother me without the other stuff.

I don't work & my husband does & I still don't pack for him.

"I think he actually is at the max a lot of the time, but sometimes I wonder if he uses it as a means of control."

I think that there's no doubt that he uses it as control.

He does whatever he wants & it seems as if everyone else does too.

So he doesn't fly off the handle 'any more'

He sounds like a bully and you are his victim.

It sounds like you are scared of him.

Where's his respect for you?

Urgh.

Don't pack for him, he's a grown man. It's also dh's job in our house to pack toothbrushes etc (no idea why just always been that way) I sorted out the kids until they were 12 or so and since then they do their own (obviously with checking at first) I do pack all the other communal stuff eg camp gear, towels and I collate all the outdoor gear in rows along with the dogs bag, which causes much excitement of course!

Set ground rules for the whole family and stick to them (emergencies aside of course)

I work very hard. Most of us do. However, I don't have staff to bring me food and coffee when I click my fingers. And, if I did I wouldn't fucking WhatsApp them.

Your marriage seems very abusive to me. He is controlling your reactions to him. It's very uncomfortable reading.

The driving is a total red flag.

Any chance you could try standing up to him? If you can't, then there's a real problem.

If your in therapy I would suggest he has some to or together- he is completely oblivious to your wants and needs through being unable to see past himself.

I wouldn’t say abusing but definitely not healthy!

Stop doing work things for him, make it clear your not at his beck and call. Are you afraid what would happen if you didn’t do these things (as that’s a different situation and definitely controlling)

You have four children to sort out you don’t need to be an unpaid PA!

Assert yourself!!!

Are you frightened he will physically hurt you?

Are you frightened that if you assert yourself he doesn’t like it and your marriage is over?

One thing is for sure carrying on as you are will change nothing.

You have 2 options, carry on as you are or change your response to his behaviour I.e. assert yourself

That said dh has been known to shampoo the carpet just a couple of hours before we leave to pick up kids for school and drive to the port via my parents!

The disconnecting from demanding work by doing a physical job thing is very interesting though. Looking back I can see many occasions when DH has done just that.

Him taking the cooker apart for a thorough clean and service on Christmas Eve was one memorable occasion. I started a thread about it.

If someone presents as “at the max” the whole time, you feel as if you can’t ask them to do anything extra

A tool of control, OP. Mucking in to get stuff done pre-trip isn't extra. Him cleaning his own mess isn't extra. Him getting his own food & drink isn't extra. Him packing his own bag isn't extra.

You're facilitating him by allowing it. I'm not saying he's a total cunt, but he's definitely not being what I would consider to be a respectful and supportive husband.

Are you having a laugh? If not dp certainly is. Go to relate, talk about it, do you want to continue living like this? His anxiety is not for you to deal with. This is a very bad example for dc. I would be screaming my head off.

‘Would his penis not fit in the passenger seat?’

Sorry I should say I’m not scared of him physically and I do know he’s never hit me or anything remotely like that, but I think I have been scared to challenge him because he’s always so on the edge anyway and I’m trying to pacify him and keep things calm for the kids. He’s not verbally cruel or abusibe either and he doesn’t shout or swear at me so it’s hard to put my finger on what it is that holds me back when it comes to challenging him or asking him to do anything.

" so it’s hard to put my finger on what it is that holds me back when it comes to challenging him or asking him to do anything."

My guess would be fear of his reaction.

Has he always been "at the max" have you ever "challenged" him?

Read my message again.

Note that I also have virtually no relationship with my mother as well as my father.

I hate him for how he ruined my childhood by behaving like your H does but I also have zero respect for my mother for not protecting her children from it.

This is your future

Another one with a DH who would potentially do all of the things you describe. Some food for thought in terms of my "coping tactics" -

I stopped enabling the random requests him years ago - no bag packing, coffee bringing, present buying etc unless it's 50/50 reciprocated

I'm lucky to have an interesting job I enjoy, so have my own world and can walk away from his work related "drama" to focus on my own projects,

I manage his "meltdowns" the same way I manage my kids - stand firm, count to ten, stay sane and ignore!

Most interestingly though we are currently getting DS assessed for ADHD and it's becoming really clear DH has many of the tendencies. Worth reading about signs of adhd in adults?

Constantly walking on eggshells and trying to keep things calm is what I did growing up because my mother was controlling and emotionally abusive. It has long term physical and emotional repercussions.

He runs the house and you are enabling him to get away with this aggression and control because something is stopping you tackling him. My upbringing made me a people-pleaser with so little self respect that I used to let people walk all over me. Your DH sounds like he’s walking all over you but you’re letting him. Something’s stopping you from demanding respect - is it fear? Or something else?

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life OP? He’s behaviour is mentally and emotionally abusive. Stop responding to demands that sound like employer to employee. My DH has this arrogant way but my way is just to be non responsive. It does mean things get missed but a few missed gifts etc then mean he soon learnt that he had to take care of stuff like that himself. In the time he’s messaged you to say “can you sort out x, y, z” he could have just done that himself. It’s a power/ego trip for him and he’s full of self importance. You’re being treated like an employee. Stop enabling him. I stopped doing my DHs washing and he now does his own. I also often eat a big lunch and then just cook for the kids early so if he wants food he needs to cook his own. He’s a grown up not your toddler so start making him be responsible and grateful.

Hitting is about control. He doesn't need to hit you because he's already got you controlled. My ex boyfriend was like this; everything felt like the last minute of a Super Mario Brothers level when the music speeds up.

Your instincts, the thing you can't put your finger on, are telling you something. There are other ways to live!

AnyFucker Exactly the same here, but it was my father enabling my mother. I wish he’d stood up for himself and us dcs 40 bloody years ago.

He sounds very abusive. But you need to work out if you want to carry on like that. Go on strike! Stop being his serf.

Why wouldn't he do random shit like chop trees and faff about with cars when he knows that you are there to clean up after him, pick up the slack in the house and generally be his slave?

If we all had someone like you at home we'd all be out doing random shit at the most inopportune moments as it wouldn't affect us. It would only affect you. And you, apparently, are a willing participant so we'd delight in making you run around after us, while running yourself into the ground.

So until you make a stand and stop pandering to him, he will continue the way he is. If he whatsapps you for a coffee either don't respond, or respond telling him that he knows where the kettle is. Don't pack for him - he's not your youngest child. If he makes a mess in the kitchen, leave it. He needs to clean it. You are enabling him to be a self centred cunt and you need to stop. Your kids will grow up with a truly screwed up sense of parental roles - God help their future partners!

PS: If my DH WhatApped me his coffee order etc, he would get it but with a shitload of laxatives in it. I am stunned!