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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH Out Every Saturday

65 replies

ejsim89 · 15/03/2019 12:31

Having a real AIBU minute here.

Back story.
I have been with my man now for a year and 2 months. We have our own home and actively trying for baby no1. He is 4 years younger than me.
Family issues had left him very much dependant on alcohol when we met. He could be very emotional and sometimes angry when he drinks - never aggressive. After a fallout at Christmas he decided to stop drinking as often as he did - 4 or 5 nights out of 7 at this point. He went 4 full weeks without a sip (absolutely certain of this) since last month he has begun to drink again, never in the house or weekdays but on Saturdays.
It has become a Saturday thing now - finish work at 3pm and head out with his boss for drinks that don't bring him home until around 9pm.
I'm worried he might slip into old ways.

This is my question - is once a week for your man to go out and let some steam off normal?? I've been so used to having him with me when he's not working that I get annoyed that he wants to spend time away from me - especially to drink.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 15/03/2019 12:36

Your question is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what anyone else perceives as normal OP.

What does matter is that you're trying for a baby with an alcoholic who gets angry when he drinks and goes out every weekend.

Not a good idea.

When the added pressure of a baby comes into that sort of mix...the only way is downhill.

Yekrats · 15/03/2019 12:36

The two situations are a bit different really. Going out once a week as an adult with no children is not unusual, nor something to be overly concerned or controlling about.
Going out once a week to get deliberately drunk when he previously has a history of alcohol misuse and you are wanting to bring a baby into the equation is perhaps more worrying.
Communication is key here. If he is aware of his previous alcohol misuse and is open with you about what he is doing now then he may not need help, he may just be an adult successfully managing his alcohol consumption (like a lot of people do). If he lying about it or it is getting worse and worse then you may have reason to intervene and help him.

Redrupunzle · 15/03/2019 12:41

My husband goes out once or twice a week. We've got two kids, if he goes to the pub midweek he'll help put the kids to bed first but on the weekend he doesn't. It's no problem for me, he works hard and seeing friends is important.

Personally I think it's really unhealthy to spend all your free time together.

I also think after such a short time together you're rushing ttc with someone who might have different priorities to you

Wheelerdeeler · 15/03/2019 12:41

Do not have a baby with this man.

19lottie82 · 15/03/2019 12:42

Going to the pub once a week is pretty normal. It’s not like he’s rolling in at 3am.

NannyRed · 15/03/2019 12:44

Wow! He sounds a winner. 4 weeks without a sip and 14 months into a relationship, and out without you every week. yup he’s definitely daddy material.

How are you coping with such treasures during this honeymoon period?

LuaDipa · 15/03/2019 12:45

I’m sorry to not answer your question and this may seem very harsh, but yabu to be trying to conceive with an alcohol-dependant you have only known for a year. I would stop ttc and get to know him better first.

TixieLix · 15/03/2019 12:55

What condition is he in when he returns home at 9pm? If he's in a reasonable state then it's not too bad, though it would be nice if he saved an occasional Saturday night to take you out. If he's coming home roaring drunk then this is a big red flag. 14 months is very soon into a relationship to be both cohabiting and TTC. Maybe slow things down a bit until you're more sure he has things under control

PosterPostingPosterishly · 15/03/2019 12:55

Why are you trying for a baby?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2019 13:01

You are insane to have a baby with this man. Full stop.

adulthumanwolf · 15/03/2019 13:07

Why on earth would you ttc with a man you've only been with a year who has a drinking problem and possibly anger issues?

You barely know him, and what you do know doesn't sound great.

sackrifice · 15/03/2019 13:09

If you are on mumsnet asking about 'your man's' behaviour, then please do not have a baby with him.

LemonTT · 15/03/2019 13:17

Alcohol dependent means addiction and addicts can’t just drink once a week. Sure, he has done the “proof” that he doesn’t have a problem by abstaining for a month. Then just once a week. Then a bit more and more and more. All drunks can stop for a while, even to just prove they don’t have a problem. It means nothing. Think about celebrity drunks who give up for a bit then have just the one before falling back into their old ways.

Going out drinking once a week is ok for someone without a drink dependency/ addiction. For those who are dependent/ addicted it is not.

TapasForTwo · 15/03/2019 13:20

Please, please, please do not have a baby with this man.

Namestheyareachangin · 15/03/2019 13:20

Why would you have a baby with:

(A) a man who has an alcoholic problem that is not under control
(B) a man you have been with for a year??? You barely know him!

user1480880826 · 15/03/2019 13:23

You’ve only been together for a year
For most of that time he was alcohol dependant
He is an angry drunk

Do not inflict this man on an innocent child. You are mad to even consider it.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 15/03/2019 13:24

Do you really think this man is currently father material??

PinkHeart5914 · 15/03/2019 13:25

I really do worry about some women, why would you even consider having a baby? It’s not only about your want for a baby it should also be the sort of parents you can both be to a child and he needs to deal with his “family issues” without alcohol before beinga dad.

You’ve not even been together long and already it sounds like a marvellous relationship 🙄

My advice aim higher, much higher.....

Arowana · 15/03/2019 13:26

As others have said, going out once a week is not so much the problem (although tbh every Sat night would really annoy me - couldn’t it be a weekday? I’d want to see him on Sat) but that this is a slippery slope.

Keeping off the booze for a week only proves you’re not physically addicted but doesn’t solve the mental addiction. It’s like going on a diet - easy to stick to for the first few weeks!

I’d stop TTC for the moment and see how this pans out. Will he really be able to stick to just once a week? Unlikely. You don’t want to have a baby with an alcoholic.

Arowana · 15/03/2019 13:26

Sorry, I mean a month not a week.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/03/2019 13:27

I wouldn't be ttc until I was sure he'd sorted out his alcohol problems. That seems like the real issue here.

Drogosnextwife · 15/03/2019 13:28

OP please stop actively trying to conceive with an alcoholic who can be violent. This is not going to end well.

adulthumanwolf · 15/03/2019 13:28

is once a week for your man to go out and let some steam off normal?? I've been so used to having him with me when he's not working that I get annoyed that he wants to spend time away from me - especially to drink

I missed this part of the OP.

Yes it is perfectly normal to go for a few after work on a Friday.

It is fine for a partner to spend time away from the other partner. It is worrying for one person to not want the other to spend any of their time out of work away from them.

But the 2 years, ttc, angry drunk issue still stands.

Sounds like problems on both sides here.

adulthumanwolf · 15/03/2019 13:29

*1.2 years

AnyFucker · 15/03/2019 13:29

Father of the Year he is not.

What the fuck are you doing ?

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