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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH Out Every Saturday

65 replies

ejsim89 · 15/03/2019 12:31

Having a real AIBU minute here.

Back story.
I have been with my man now for a year and 2 months. We have our own home and actively trying for baby no1. He is 4 years younger than me.
Family issues had left him very much dependant on alcohol when we met. He could be very emotional and sometimes angry when he drinks - never aggressive. After a fallout at Christmas he decided to stop drinking as often as he did - 4 or 5 nights out of 7 at this point. He went 4 full weeks without a sip (absolutely certain of this) since last month he has begun to drink again, never in the house or weekdays but on Saturdays.
It has become a Saturday thing now - finish work at 3pm and head out with his boss for drinks that don't bring him home until around 9pm.
I'm worried he might slip into old ways.

This is my question - is once a week for your man to go out and let some steam off normal?? I've been so used to having him with me when he's not working that I get annoyed that he wants to spend time away from me - especially to drink.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Anon10 · 15/03/2019 13:34

My DH goes out for a quiet drink about once a year with a couple of friends! Whilst I go out for dinner and wine with friends probably about once a month. Maybe a bit less. But he’s an outdoors type and prefers to spend time cycling or climbing. He’s not a drinker and doesn’t enjoy pubs/bars really. I wouldn’t like it if he was going out every week, getting drunk. But then neither of us are big drinkers, so it wouldn’t suit me to be with someone who enjoyed that.

We have two very little ones. He never drank much or went out a lot before we had kids, and he hasn’t changed after.
I wouldn’t expect a dramatic change in your DPs behaviour after a baby arrives. Have you discussed it? His drinking? Your expectations? What are your own drinking habits like and are you compatible in the long term?
He sounds like he may be an alcoholic and you admit he gets angry when he’s drunk. This has the potential to tip into aggression or even abuse when you are pregnant. Think carefully about the patterns of behaviour you are seeing here. Also you haven’t been together that long... maybe assess things more before TTC? Lastly a man’s alcohol intake has an effect on his fertility, just something to think about.

Backseatonthebus · 15/03/2019 13:43

Whatever else you do, or dont do, please dont have a baby with this person. He wont be having a sudden epiphany if you have a child with him, he'll be the same person with the same alcohol issue.

Hollowvictory · 15/03/2019 13:44

Do not have a baby with him you will live to regret it. There are billion men in the world this one sounds hopeless. You can do much much better.

Hollowvictory · 15/03/2019 13:46

And you owe your child a better father than a violent alcoholic. End this relationship.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/03/2019 13:48

Going out with others once a week is pretty normal, especially if you don’t have young children. Not wanting your partner to spend time with friends without you is a bit of a red flag (I.e. your partner should be concerned about your attitude).

But, drinking regularly when you have recently had problematic drinking might well be the start of slipping back into bad habits, so I do understand your concern on that front and would strongly caution against having a child with him at the moment.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 15/03/2019 13:50

@AnyFucker beat me to it !

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/03/2019 13:56

I had a friend who was a binge alcoholic.
So he could go a week, 2 weeks, longer without a drink at all, no worries. But once he started, he'd get blitzed.

This is actually more dangerous for him than drinking regularly (but less) because his liver doesn't store the detoxification enzymes for that long - read up on binge drinking to see how dangerous his behaviour can be for his health.

Other thoughts - I agree with those who suggest he might not make ideal father material.

The80sweregreat · 15/03/2019 14:01

A family member of mine married a man who was up the pub once a week or so - once they married and had a child, he was up the pub every night after work. the marriage lasted about 4 years.
Please think again about children and this relationship. i know that nobody is perfect, but he wont change when you have a child - it could be the catalyst to make things worse in fact.
Maybe have a break and see how he is then? It doesnt sound good as it is at the moment.

SandAndSea · 15/03/2019 14:03

Oh dear. None of this sounds very healthy to me.

I also have to agree with @AnyFucker:

What the fuck are you doing ?

I wish there was a nicer way of saying it but really, that says it all. Please don't have a baby with this man.

The80sweregreat · 15/03/2019 14:05

A F is right.
You deserve better.

pastabest · 15/03/2019 14:07

A baby isn't some wonderful magic that will solve your problems and bond you together.

Babies are hard work, they test the strongest of relationships. If you resent his weekly 'blow outs' now then it will be 100 times worse when you have been on your own with a screaming, pooing constantly feeding baby all week that depends on you 24 hours a day.

This has disaster written all over it.

f83mx · 15/03/2019 14:08

I think 6 hours out once a week with friends is probably ok, everything else in your post rings warning bells. 4 weeks is not a sustained period of abstinence .... and although a year ish isn’t super super early to be ttc if your relationship up until as recently as xmas was littered with bad drinking issues then it really is too soon.

Squigglesworth · 15/03/2019 14:09

I wouldn't be trybing to have a baby with him, at this point. As others have said, a baby puts huge pressure on a relationship, and there are already enough issues without that. It's just not fair to bring a child into that, if you can help it.

A person "letting off steam" by drinking once a week might not be a problem, normally, but he has a history of trouble with alcohol, which means it's probably not a great idea for him. Also, six hours is a long time.

It doesn't matter what society at large thinks is acceptable. It's more important how you feel. I wouldn't be happy with my husband going out to drink for six hours every Saturday (and he doesn't even have an alcohol problem), but for some couples that might be fine. You have to decide for yourself, and it seems like your gut is telling you that this doesn't work for you.

Frenchmontana · 15/03/2019 14:11

You are trying for a baby with a man who is dependent on alcohol and who has managed a WHOLE 4 weeks of not drinking, when he said he wasnt drinking anymore.

You seem impressed he managed 4 weeks. I could see your point had he not then started again.

jennymalone · 15/03/2019 14:12

You are mad, mad, mad to be trying for a baby with this man OP.

is your life with him one that you'd want for your unborn theoretical daughter?

a man who spends most of one of his two days off in the pub, and gets angry when he's had something to drink?

what kind of father do you think he's going to be? What sort of role model to a theoretical son - would you want yours to be doing this to his partner?

You're asking the wrong question to ask if this setup is "normal" - for some people that would work fine, for others not. Personally, i've never been in a relationship where we could have afforded 1 person to go out drinking for most of the day every Sunday - either financially or in terms of time - you only get X number of £s coming into a house each week, and you only get Y number of spare hours when you're not at work.

You need to look at your setup and ask if you'd be happy having a screaming, teething baby into the mix here, with your "partner" (snort) acting the same way. I wouldn't.

CheshireChat · 15/03/2019 14:13

My dad was an alcoholic, harsh as it sounds, I was relieved when he died.

Is that what you want for your kid?

AhNowTed · 15/03/2019 14:15

12 months is way too little time to be trying for a baby full stop, regardless of any alcohol issues.

carrotflinger · 15/03/2019 14:15

Don't have a baby with him until you have known him much longer and see what he is like over a longer period of time.

Where you are being unreasonable is getting annoyed that he wants to spend time away from you when he is not working. Everyone needs their own time away from their partner to meet their friends, do a hobby or whatever.

That said, I would be extremely wary of the whole thing. I have just come out of a 5 year relationship that sounds a bit like this. We split up a couple of times before the final time. Most of the arguments were caused by his drinking - ie. him going out 4 or 5 nights on the trot after work and getting hammered and then turning up drunk. Any objections I made were brushed off by him saying I was trying to control him and he had a right to free time with his friends. He'd also start going on about all kinds of random women who would allegedly put up with his behaviour as in his eyes, it was completely acceptable.
Then he would go through phases where he would barely drink at all and be lovely with me and do fabulous things with me. Then it would all start off again.
It really is a never-ending cycle when someone has an alcohol problem which your OH seems to have. Please do not have a baby with him and consider ending the relationship if you feel it is not working for you.

I do think it is reasonable for a partner to be able to go out once a week "to let off steam" as you put it. Someone who has their drinking under control would be able to do this without further consequences. Someone who abuses alcohol will slip back into old habits or become emotional and aggressive after their night out drinking.

CountessVonBoobs · 15/03/2019 14:16

What in god's name are you thinking, trying for a baby with a man you've been with for a year who's an active alcoholic and angry drunk?!

You really, really need to spend some time on your own and ask yourself why this Man said to you "father material" and not "run like the fucking wind". People with high self esteem and sensible boundaries do not get into relationships with people they know to be problem drinkers, much less throw away the contraception within a year.

BrokenWing · 15/03/2019 14:17

He's telling you loud and clear who and what he is. Don't give him rules to follow to stop him drinking, it needs to come from him not you or it will only be temporary.

Not the kind of man to have LTR or a baby with.

Drink problems usually get worse not better if you tolerate (by staying in the relationship) or enable them.

SilverySurfer · 15/03/2019 14:22

What everyone else have said. I wouldn't give this person house room let alone even contemplate having a baby with him. You need to look at what you want from a partner and raise your relationship bar a hell of a lot higher.

Parky04 · 15/03/2019 14:25

I go out to the pub every Friday evening to meet friends. DW doesn't mind in the slightest. DW is often out for meals and theatre shows with her friends. You do not have to do everything together as IMO it's not healthy.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 15/03/2019 14:25

What happened to your self esteem for you to be so clinging tightly to an alcoholic and trying to have a baby so soon?

How old are you?

Funkaccino · 15/03/2019 14:27

What does matter is that you're trying for a baby with an alcoholic who gets angry when he drinks and goes out every weekend.

Agree with this. Also will he need to let of steam every Saturday when yo're home with the baby?

CountessVonBoobs · 15/03/2019 14:30

Also. What sticks out about this is that you seem to think you can "save him" and sort out his whatever family problems that are "making" him drink.

You can't, and that thinking will drag you down with him. No one saves anybody else.

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