to be a bit ambivalent about the Pads4Dads campaign..

[BertrandRussell]

[https://www.heygirls.co.uk/pads-for-dads/ here]

On the one hand, obviously it’s great for fathers to be more involved and understanding, and obviously some girls don’t have a mum or an aunt or anyone. But I can’t help thinking that it’s all a bit cosmetic-a bit “hey look what a cool dad I am buying tampax” Ticking the “good dad” box. And what’s wrong with some things being women only anyway?

I don’t get? My dad is in his 70s, and whenever he asked if anyone needed anything from the shop, he didn’t bat an eyelid if he was asked to get pads. He’s also unbothered by me and Dsis chatting period pains etc in front of him. Is he that ahead of his time?!?

My brother has teenaged daughters. The quality of his sex ed lessons was illustrated by the time he assumed (as a young teen) that women would only need one sanitary towel each month: so a packet of 13 for the year. The curriculum can miss out some very basic stuff. A scary number of adult women assume that tampons can be flushed, that light two day periods are universal, that no adult woman ever wears sanitary towels, or that women who wear tampons have to take them out to urinate.

Also, the difference between scented and unscented pads and between sanitary towels and incontinence pads is deliberately obscured by the manufacturers in the name of discretion.

When I was about 10 my mum shouted at me for mentioning periods in front of my dad. She was and is generally quite a normal and sane person. To this day I don’t understand it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I LOVE this. My mum dies 1 month before my 10th Birthday and I remember being in the toilet a few years later, sobbing and wondering why I had blood in the toilet. I was too scared to mention it to my dad and 3 older brothers.

Eventually I had the talk with an Aunt who rarely bothered with me and my 89 year old grandmother. It was just spotting at the time but I remember being terrified.

*died

Find it a bit of shame that there is even a need for such a campaign in this day and age. I got my period really quite young. Although, we had really god sex education at school from a young age, I was still panicking, as to why I was bleeding. I was on the toilet so long, my father eventually knocked to see if I was ok. I told him I was maybe very sick, as was bleeding. My mother was on a long work trip abroad but my father was really great. He told me, he would go to the shop for me and get me some sanitary supplies. He got a few pads for lighter and bit heavier flow for night time, some magazine and a bit of chocolate. Then he made me a warm water bottle and put a nice film on for me. He told me to let him know if I needed any pain killers for cramps and back ache etc and not too worry if I felt very emotional. Great parenting isn’t gender specific.

The people talking about mothers of boys- what parallel situations are there?

Meh, as long as it focuses on the actual practicalities rather than a pat on the back for the dad then it's either harmless and potentially quite helpful for some.

Dad's do need to know if they have DD's at least, especially if mum isn't around. That said it would be helpful if all men (well straight ones) knew a bit more!

The people talking about mothers of boys- what parallel situations are there?

Well the changes that boys experience during puberty, what's normal, their reproductive health. I'm just wondering how much mums educate themselves about male puberty (the 1 answer so far is they left it to the school)

Is there anything that a mother specifically needs to prepare a boy for from the age of about 9 in the way you need to prepare girls? Obviously you talk about growing and body changes. But you wouldn’t presumably talk about self examination at 9? Or sexual health? You will, of course have been talking to boys and girls about consent from toddlerhood.

BertrandRussell

Is that all that puberty is for boys then? Growing and body changes (which actually covers all of female puberty too "body changes" is quite a cover all phrase).

What else do you think you might need to discuss? And when would you talk about self examination?

Forgive me if I say all this sounds a bit “what about the boys?” There is nothing equivalent to the possibility of being suddenly covered in blood in the middle of maths.

Of course boys experience puberty too. And they need to know about the emotional and physical changes they will experience and will need reassurance and someone to talk to about it. And I did make sure I knew as much as I could about it when ds was approaching the age. But i’m not sure what a pack for mums on the subject would include. And i’m certainly not talking to a 9 year old about testicular cancer!

It's not about the exact same thing happening to boys as girls is it? It's about stating that no campaign is needed for men because all of the information is out there, they should find out for themselves. So my question was how many mums find out for themselves about boys? And it would appear, not many.

And i’m certainly not talking to a 9 year old about testicular cancer!

What age is the right age do you think?

Oh, come on. Tell the truth and shame the devil!

Is there anything that a mother specifically needs to prepare a boy for from the age of about 9 in the way you need to prepare girls?

A couple of things.

I think talking to boys about the importance of not being scared to show their emotions past the age of 9 or 10. This doesn't seem to be as much of an issue for girls. We talk to girls about how it's normal to feel emotional around periods but in lots of cases boys just think they have to be strong once they get to 9 or 10 and never cry again. Boys hormones are all over the place too.

Also boys have to deal with their voice breaking. My nephew really struggled with this and found it very embarrassing when kids would laugh.

Periods are definitely hard to deal with but if we keep telling boys that girls have things much worse it just creates a bigger gap between boys and girls. Boys need to know that girls do often struggle with periods so that boys will grow up to be supportive fathers and partners. But periods shouldn't be used by women in order to win the who got the award for worst deal in life.

Well, I just read the guide, and embarrassingly, there was stuff in there that was new to me - and I've been having periods for 20 years

Is there anything that a mother specifically needs to prepare a boy for from the age of about 9 in the way you need to prepare girls?

Wet dreams, unexpected erections, body hair and voices changing would be the main ones I’d have thoughts.

Also with my DS1 I discovered that at 11 a boys testicles and scrotum grow, but the penis grows at a different rate so you can end up with an upset and scared 11yo who thinks his penis is shrinking.

Also how to deal w unexpected erections, ejaculation (when this will happen and what it is), wet dreams and cleaning under your foreskin. The normal size of a willy a) at rest b) when erect - and does it matter.

Then - body hair, where and when and how much is normal/desirable. Voice breaking. Contraception and reproductive choices and responsibilities.

Emotions - how to deal with them in a world where you are not allowed to show them (aggression accepted).

Keeping yourself safe - now you're taller you're fair game for any wanker w an attitude. Understanding that even though you feel like a kid inside, women and girls may now see you as a threat and you need to be careful about how you approach them, esp if they are alone, even for really innocuous things like asking directions. Not walking too close behind women at night.

Treating people with respect. Inherent male privilege -how to recognise it and counter it. Checking your behaviour.

Fair enough- I just assumed that everyone knows that stuff.

I still think that a lot of this information comes best from someone the same sex as you. I know not all children have a suitable person. This isn’t saying there should be any shame or secrecy, but I’ve never had a penis - it’s much better to find out about them from somebody who has.

Fair enough- I just assumed that everyone knows that stuff.
Hhmm. Is that why you asked what issues a 9 year old would face - because you already knew?

And dads won't have had periods (as you don't have a penis) yet we are all saying that men should know about this, talk about it openly etc. So surely we as women need to equally be able to talk to our sons?

I asked because I wondered what other people were discussing with their 9 year old boys that I waan’t.

And yes of course women should know about their boys-just as men should know about their girls . I still think that if possible the “lead person” should be of the same sex.

I mentioned it to DH and he was amazed something like this would be necessary.

Same. He said he found it quite patronizing tbh, and said the kind of dad who would need stuff like this was never realistically going to talk to their daughter about it anyway.