To be a sahm if we aren't married?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

Ok, so you are planning on your partner's job helping to finance you and your children. That's fine, same here. But marry him, dont make his support of you optional.

Hmm, I don't think of it like that @BarbarianMum. He earns more but not like 100's of thousands more or anything. We can live on his wage and still have holidays/treats etc on mine we'd just about scrape by.
But we're a team and I'll be going back to work and it might be that in the future I earn more and he steps back a bit and has more time with the children.

You are a team until the day you aren’t. Then you’re a parasite. I despair.

What about both going part time, might that be an option?

But right now we are a team @Inliverpool1 and we're both trying to think what's best for us as a family and us as individuals. I'm the one who expressed concern about my job and two very young Dc. Dp suggested if I wanted I could stay home for a few years.

He knows me well enough to know I won't want this forever and the expectation will be I go back to work. He also knows me well enough to know that being home certainly doesn't mean I'll be doing all the childcare/housework. I'm on mat leave now and we still do the same amount of housework each that we did when we both worked full time. I do a little more of the general tidying around but then we didn't really have that when we both worked full time.

His company said no when he asked about part time @Sitdownstandup. Because he has to travel sometimes and they said it wouldn't work.

But they are being somewhat flexible and he's going to have two half days that he's 'working' from home, unless he's had to go away. He'll work Saturday mornings to compensate but my mums going to come round Saturday mornings to see us.
And he's taking four weeks off when the second arrives.

That's just in place to support in those early days with two babies.

I worked full time until I unexpectedly became pregnant with DP six years ago. DD turned out to have SN and I became her a carer. I also fell pregnant again when she only a few months old. Like you, I didn't want to marry when I was pregnant - we had no money for a wedding as I was now just a carer and I felt secure as DP spoke about wanting to marry more than I thought about it. We wanted to wait until the DC were a bit older so they could be part of the day. Fast forward a few years and one more DC and we separated after eventual financial and sexual abuse, and him having disengaged completely from us all.

For six years he built up his career and was promoted twice. He put £400 pm into his pension and saved who knows how much. When we separated he gave up his house and so must have saved or blown around £80k since. Meanwhile, I'm left with no career, no pension, no ability to carve a career or a life for myself because of my caring and childcare responsibilities. He doesn't see the children at all and I can barely afford to eat. If I were you I'd get married at a registry office then organise a proper celebration at a later date.

I'm sorry @HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed, that's horrible. You mention finical abuse though, did you have full access to all money at the start? Did you know he was putting £400 into his pension? Did you jointly own the house?
I have access to all Dp's money, all wage slips, pension statements, everything. If he suddenly started adding more into his pension or savings I'd be like wtf you playing at.

The joint savings is going into my name and we'll hopefully still add to that and I'm hoping to just take mat leave so even I I'm not being paid anything I should have a job to go back to should I want to.

I am all for being risk averse, but some posters on this thread are ridiculous. They're assuming that (contrary to all current evidence) you rDP is going to secretly change his will/insurance/pension AND then he's going to die leaving you in the lurch.

Realistically, there are two separate worst case scenarios, not the merged one above.

1. he IS a good guy but he dies/ suffers significant disability etc. In which case, you're right - you get the house, with a paid up mortgage, whatever's in his pension pot and any other assets he may have in his own or joint names.

Worst case scenario 2: Your relationship goes bad and he turns into a complete dick who then starts trying to hide assets and/or change pension etc. Even in that case, you'd still have your half of the house (as you would in a divorce). Other assets might be trickier, true. But as neither of you believes he'll be a dick about it, take him up on the offer of moving your existing savings into an account in your name only for that added security. Or half of them (because of course, he might also want security that YOU won't turn into a dick down the line).

You could also insist that you always see his pay slips etc os you know exactly how much he's earning and agree that if he is earning enough for savings, a certain percentage go to your personal account, a percentage to his account and the rest to the joint perhaps.

Assuming and raising outcomes as a possibility are two quite different things. Also, how can you have reliable current evidence of how someone in a relationship might behave when the relationship ends? The whole point is that people dont necessarily do what you expect, especially when circumstances change significantly.

To be fair @Kennehora I wasn't asking if I should get married. I was asking if I should stay home if we aren't married. I said in my first post I didn't want to get married while I'm pregnant.

I've taken people's responses on board I'm not sure why some posters seem to insist I haven't just because I've not booked the registry office for next week.

I think hearing from others I'm more vulnerable not working or having a job, rather than it being about being married. Which is why I'm going to see if it's possible to not give up my job. If not then I'll look at things again before we decide what to do.

We're getting married though, just next year!

@NotReadyForThisX2
I know others have mentioned pension impact etc.

I'm on my second mat leave in 2yrs (I have a 21mth old and a 7mth old so probably have a similar age gap to what you'll have).

I did a full years mat leave, one month annual leave accrued during my first mat leave, and then onto my second mat leave. I haven't had to quit my job so would this be an option for you? Yes your career would pause for a while but you'd have a job to go back to after DC2

Good luck with the 2 under 2. It's, er, "fun" but worth it. 😜

If the idea of being a SAH(unmarried)M leaves you feeling just a bit vulnerable then why not get married in secret.

I know you still want the wedding and that’s totally understandable but if I was you I’d sneak off, Grab two unknown witnesses and not tell anyone or change your name (if you were going to).

Then book and plan the wedding you want for next year

Could you look into the protection a civil partnership would give you and enter into that as a stopgap between now and getting married?

That's what I'm now hoping @Gizzymum. I read my handbook and thought I had to go back after ordinary leave but I think re reading and looking at link posted on here that's to do with pay and if I go back even just for a day, I can go on mat leave again and still have my job back. I think!! Will clarify with with once I'm ready for them to know.

Straight civil partnerships aren't yet available. I dont think we've had an implementation date yet have we? The law is going to change, but I suppose Brexit has put a lot of things on the back burner.

Agree it would be a good idea to consider staying in the workplace, even if married. Is part time an option for you OP?

I can and was planning on looking at reduced hours even with one Dc. It's not ideal for my job though and work said they'd want some flexibility on my part, which may be tricky to do with two!

Sorry that was replying to @Sitdownstandup

If I were you I’d be worried about what would happen if DP died. I think you’ve covered that though. I just know a friend of a friend, they didn’t get married because he’d had a bad divorce, then later on she died so he had a massive tax bill.
I’d also worry about giving up work with pension, death in service benefit, medical insurance, critical illness cover etc. Someone I know had an additional year off as sabbatical after mat leave ended. Not sure if that would be an option if you’re trying to have back to back mat leaves.
I think you just have to weigh up the risks and decide what you want yourself, no-one else can do it, they can only share their experience.

If you can do it and you want to, I’d keep your job. Reduced hours would definitely help.

Because I'm not sure being married would offer that much more protection in my case @Kennehora. If we married and divorced in the time frame I'm looking at staying home, I'd still only get 50% of the equity in the house and of any savings.
Staying in work or with a job to go to, seems the best way to protect myself and my Dc. So I'm going to try work out a way to do that if possible first.