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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a sahm if we aren't married?

258 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 14/03/2019 16:50

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 15/03/2019 07:12

I think the only thing that really protects women is having an independent income.

^^this

The scenario being muted is at a stage where the OP and her DP have fairly equal joint assets being a SAHM for a short time before getting married. Marriage can sometimes mean you are left with less not more!

Such strange replies, the OP understands the implications etc. But even married you are better off with a way of making your own money I reckon.

Sitdownstandup · 15/03/2019 07:14

You are, but the OP wants to give up work. Personally I wouldn't.

OllyBJolly · 15/03/2019 07:19

I can't bring myself to give up on the wedding I want

In other words, you're compromising your own security and your children's future for the sake of a fairy tale?

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 15/03/2019 07:28

I've read about the severing joint tenancy but I'm sure he'd also have to re mortgage our house and it's not something he could do without me knowing.
But I didn't know it was even possible or solicitor or mortgage adviser never said anything about it. That also means Dp is probably equally unaware and there was mention of form filling in and so knowing him there's no chance of him doing that.
Obviously that's something we'd probably do if we split up, but I don't think that's much difference to if we got divorced is it?

We're youngish and although we both earn quite good wages him more than me, he's not a huge high earner. We aren't talking bankers wages or anything.
If we separated or even got married and later divorced, I'd be looking at getting half the equity in the house and half the savings.
We still get child benefit which is in my name.

OP posts:
HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 15/03/2019 07:31

I wouldn’t. But then I’m not even sure I would have a baby whilst unmarried tbh: if I had gotten pregnant unexpectedly whilst unmarried me and now DH always said we would have gone to the registry office and made it official. My reasons? I’m just a bit cynical I think, at this point. Seen too many good women and their kids get fucked over when dipshit men change their minds about whether or not they want to be partners and fathers. Do I think my husband would be one of those men? Well I certainly hope not, but the truth is that it’s never certain.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 15/03/2019 07:39

I'm not compromising anything at all as yet @OllyBJolly
I'm looking at my options yes. I'm not really sure what I'd be compromising though, I'm not sure a lot of the big concerns apply to us or that if we're married I'll really be any better protected.

Realistically if we split up tomorrow, I'd get half the equity in the house and half the joint savings. My savings pension, remains with me, his with him. We'd be leaving with the same amount.

My biggest risk is going to be not having a job to go back to. I think that's my biggest concern but being married doesn't protect against that.

I'm hoping from the link someone sent that I could potentially run my maternity leaves straight from one to the other (not getting paid isn't a problem). My work handbook sounded more like I'd have to go back after ordinary leave which is about 6 months I think, I'm not ready to go back now and Ds is 5 months. I'm not sure if that's so I'd be paid full maternity pay though.
If I can have a year off with this second, then I'll probably look at returning anyway or see if I could follow it with a year career break and go back when they're 2 and 3 (ish).

OP posts:
anniehm · 15/03/2019 07:42

If you have a dream wedding but are worried about paperwork essentially you could slip to the registry office and legally marry then have a big wedding later, we had our church "wedding" a few months later for practical reasons (the only difference was we didn't sign the register)

Sitdownstandup · 15/03/2019 07:42

Basically if he severed the joint tenancy while you were still married and then died before the property were sold, if he'd left his half to someone else it's easier to challenge that when married then not. Being married generally makes it more difficult to pass assets to someone other than your partner than it would in the identical situation except unmarried. But the same would be true of you as well: the restrictions and protections apply both ways.

Good that you will continue to claim child benefit, protect those NI contributions. I echo the posters upthread who said speak to Maternity Action to ascertain maternity pay entitlement before making any big decisions too.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 15/03/2019 07:47

I'm not sure we've got enough assets for me to be overly concerned. The house (mortgaged) some savings (30ish joint). My pension which I've been paying into for 3 years ish his for only for around 1. Both have a car of similar values in our own names.
Life insurance policy's.
I don't think depending on what the house values at, currently £250,000 (ish) that we'd be other inheritance tax threshold anyway or if so only very slightly if joint savings are taken into account.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 15/03/2019 07:48

I'm not compromising anything at all as yet

If you are considering giving up your financial independence that's a pretty big compromise. Although if you can negotiate a career break that mitigates the risk to an extent. I just don't understand the reasoning of postponing a wedding in order to have a "big, special day" when you both seem to want a marriage. It's only one day.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 15/03/2019 07:51

I explained my reasons @OllyBJolly. It's not Dp he's happy to do it where and how I want and it's not the idea of huge big wedding.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 15/03/2019 07:56

The risk is more insidious than that, OP. And might be why the replies on this thread are so cautious.

By being a SAHM in the early years, you set yourself up as the default parent. When you decide you're ready to go back to work, you'll be impacting on your DH's set-up in a negative way and he may be more resistant than he claims now. We've seen lots of threads on here where the DH has thrown barriers up to the SAHM going back to work - they couldn't possibly do any part of the school run, no - of course they can't take days off work when the child's ill, his job earns more and so can't be compromised in any way.

The SAHM ends up trying to flexi her return to work around all the childcare (and the household chores, because that's become her job too while she's been at home), massively compromising her ability to do a job and often ending up PT. And still doing all the housework because she has 'more time off than he does'. And of course the childcare mental load, because she's always done it and he doesn't see it.

I'm sure I could easily find 4 or 5 threads like that just from 2019 if Mumsnet had a better search function.

LannieDuck · 15/03/2019 07:57

... I failed to link that back up to marriage. Essentially, your career risks ending up compromised despite your best intentions.

N0rdicStar · 15/03/2019 08:00

Dp got any hidden relatives he might choose to leave his half to instead of a secure home for his d? Is he likely to pay a fair bit to have it drawn up legally/ secretly for some bizarre reason which you’d still have to have the spare cash to fight even if married? Hmm

No? Then I think you could wait a couple of years. Just try not to be a sahp for too long. That is the best bit of advice I can give and the most important issue not marriage in your case imvho.

fc301 · 15/03/2019 08:04

FGS
'I want my wedding'
Shouldn't that read "we want our wedding'?!

Marry for a marriage not a wedding.

ltk · 15/03/2019 08:08

Married or not, giving up work is a risk. Marriage puts a plaster over it by providing you some important protections, but it won't make up for the loss of initial income, the loss of later earning potential, loss of pension contributions, and the big intangible of being an independent, self-funded adult. Or perhaps of success in your career.

God knows all sorts can happen in life (illness, injury) that could mean you cannot work. And the joys of being around for your dc, the relatively less stressful life of having someone at home... that's all good stuff.

But the best financial advice anyone can give you is to keep working. Even if the cost of childcare outweighs your salary for a while. You might decide that being SAHP for a few years is still what you want in life anyway, in which case you should marry as soon as possible to minimize risk.

How long are you currently taking as maternity leave?

Sitdownstandup · 15/03/2019 08:12

Is there a reason such relatives would have to be hidden? They could be in existence now, or new partners/children acquired after a relationship breakdown and before the sale of a home.

MarthasGinYard · 15/03/2019 08:13

You are going to be compromising your earning potential for some time.

It's a far more vulnerable position than you seem to think.

A wedding with two small dc close together will IMO be scaled down or put on hold eventually. A huge wedding always seems a little daft in these situations when there's always money needed when dc come along.

I'm not married

I always think women that aren't married and the lesser earner who go on to have more than one dc are slightly thick.

ltk · 15/03/2019 08:13

Asking about maternity leave because you would be best off going back to work while you have only one, and working through this pregnancy. But that depends on timings..

But it would put both you and DP in equal positions as parents. Taking time off can mean that your working life is forever second best in the family. That's not a given, but it can happen.

TedAndLola · 15/03/2019 08:15

There's no helping some people. Continue believing this fairy tale that a career break won't cause problems and a marriage is about a party rather than a life together. I just hope your children don't suffer for it.

Mookatron · 15/03/2019 08:19

Good post LannieDuck. Don't forget too that those extra years with no childcare responsibilities have allowed DH to progress way beyond yours... any job you get will pay less than before because of the gap and part time hours and the income is incredibly hard won because of the childcare arrangements...

KateMadikane · 15/03/2019 08:19

You say DP earns slightly more than you now. Fast forward two or three years and that gap will have grown and as PP have said it will be a shock to him to do any kind of childcare as you will have been responsible for it all.

N0rdicStar · 15/03/2019 08:20

Sit that is a risk even if you’re married. You’re still both going to have to fight for it and eat into capital. Many marriages end in divorce, you’ll still have to start again on your own. I’m all for a period as a sahp, just not for too long. I think marrying anybody as s safety net is foolish.

N0rdicStar · 15/03/2019 08:22

A marriage and relationship are more than using somebody as a safety net. I think children could suffer when it is used on that way too.

N0rdicStar · 15/03/2019 08:24

Could you not share it and both drop a day or work from home part of the week?

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