To be a sahm if we aren't married?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

Being a sahm for ten years is not what the op is proposing though. Once you get into sahm while children are at school territory, it does become slightly different to having a few years off to avoid paying the outrageous childcare costs the op would incur if she goes back to work.

DP and I aren't married. However we have mirror wills, power of attorney, insurance policies etc etc. That came to a lot more expense than actually getting married.

However if I was in your position I'd want to be married for some protection as a SAHM.

Could you do the legal bit quietly at registry office then have the proper wedding you want at the time you want? I have friends who did this as he was in the military and got deployed at short notice and they had a church wedding on return. It was exactly the same as any other wedding just with no signing of forms and the minister smoothed that over really nicely. Then usual dinner, speeches, cake, ceilidh etc afterwards.

My youngest was 3 when I was accused of arse sitting FuckertyBoo and just for the record my businesses still out earn his attempts .... it’s all perception isn’t it.

Also, running businesses from home, if they were serious businesses, does not make you a sahm imo. It makes you a small business owner.

Well yes. I would agree. As did the judge, unfortunately none of the family or friends did.

Well, divorcing couples aren’t known for their affability. He was clearly accusing you of that to piss you off. And it clearly worked.

Glad you showed him by being more successful though .

X post.

Ugh some friends they sound! Hope you have some better ones now .

There's a lot of posts and some saying the same things so apologies for not quoting posters.

The getting married part is not wanting to do it because I'm pregnant. Dp suggested we go on holiday this summer and do it there, but in my mind we're doing it because of the baby. I know it's silly and I know Dp isn't my dad I wouldn't be with him if he was like him. But when you heard repeatedly that the relationship broke down because he felt he had to marry your mother because of you, it's a bit hard to shake that association from your head. Planning a wedding for next year, I feel gives us both time to think if it's what we really want and I won't feel it's a knee jerk reaction to us expecting another baby.

My job: there tends to be jobs available quite readily and I wouldn't say being off for a few years with my children would be particularly a negative thing. Not sure I want to say what I do, but having my own children could definitely give me added experience for the role. It's quite a high mental load job although I love it and think I'm good at it. I'm worried about doing it on little sleep and juggling a one and a two year old. Either way I'd definitely look into keeping updated with training etc while off, if nothing else to keep myself sane.
Dp's job pays well but he does work long hours and sometimes away from home. He's not particularly driven by his career though, he'd love to be home. He works for the money and either way, me working and childcare x 2 or me not working, he's going to need to put the hours in. He can get some flexibility though and once they're at school he'll be able to drop off and pick up. And his parents would help too.

Get on very well with his parents absolutely no way they'd leave me and Ds without, so him leaving anything to them doesn't concern me.

Hopefully I can do as a poster suggested go back for a few weeks (mil would be able to have Ds for that short a time). Then take my mat leave for second baby and decided what we want to do then. I think my safest option if I'm not ready to go back after second mat leave is seeing if I can get a years career break.

If you are financially secure on your own then don't worry about marriage. If you need income from him though then definitely get married.

You could get married at a registry office and then have a party next year when you're not pregnant if it matters so much. With two young kids you're never going to have a relaxing wedding and honeymoon

You are very vulnerable unmarried. You say you dont was to marry in a reg. office or when pregnant. This sounds like you are more interested in the wedding than the marriage. Your priorities are back to front. If you love this man and see you r future with him, protect each other and your children and just do the legal. You can have a show off shindig with all the trappings later

Your plan is a good one NotReadyForThisX2. I can see why you don't want to marry pregnant (though I think times have changed and it's not the same at all, but when were humans ever rational about this kind of thing) but please heed my advice on the nightmarishness of planning a wedding with 2 small children and do the planning before you have the next baby. Seriously. I'm not joking.

I've explained it a few times @Confusedbeetle. So apologies but I'm not going into it again.
If people want to read me not wanting to get married pregnant as me being more interested in the wedding that the marriage then fair enough. I see it the other way, I want us to do it for us and no other reason.

Your solicitor didn't advise you that you can't sever a joint tenancy though lozster. That would be negligent. If you want to rely on something your solicitor has advised you, best to make it explicit advice.

But yes, you're quite right that this is about whether you value the provisions of marriage enough to do it if you wouldn't otherwise. Restrictions as well as protections. That's the question here.

You can sever a joint tenancy married or not. That’s completely immaterial to OP’s post.

Just to add the process of severing it is just serving notice on the other, so it wouldn’t be possible to do it without the others knowledge.

You can indeed. But no it isnt, for reasons already explained at length. So the issue isnt whether marriage could make a difference in some scenarios after a joint tenancy is severed, because it could, it's how important OP considers this to be.

I didn’t say the solicitor advised me that you can’t sever a joint tenancy, I said that he didn’t mention it i.e. an omission of information rather than incorrect advice.

OP I wouldn’t decide to be a SAHM as there is too much risk associated with that decision for me. However, you may attach more weight/value to the SAH experience than I do - everyone is different. Given the provisions you have mentioned, I think marriage is of slim to little benefit to you. If you are in a career where there is truely a huge demand for jobs and jobs that can be flexible for newcomers, then that is colouring your view too. It’s not the case for me and I haven’t known anyone for whom that one has worked out but obviously there can be exceptions.

My advice would be to delay the decision as long as possible which I think you have already said you will do. I would also look to spread the risk with your partner by both making a change or minimise the risk by dropping some hours but not all if that is a possibility.

And everyone - don’t worry about next of kin for medical decision making. It’s not true that the partner of 20 years standing next to the bed of their other half would be ignored in favour of a 95 year old parent living 200 miles away or a cousin based in Australia.

Well if you wont get married because you're pregnant how about your dp becpmes
and a SAHD after your maternity leave? Then he can share in the risks of the enterprise.

We couldn't afford him to do so @BarbarianMum.

Well if you earn less then its clear that your career needs more work, not less. Or the financial inequality bw you will increase and you (and your children) will become more and more vulnerable. Because it will always make financial "sense" for you to compromise and for him to be the breadwinner.

This is an old, old story OP. Its why marriage is an important prorection for women. Not one woman who ends up mid-40s, ditched by partner and financially high and dry with kids to support, plans for it to happen you know.

It's not really that simple @BarbarianMum. Our jobs aren't comparable and I certainly didn't choose mine to earn big money. I'm not either but think along the lines of a teacher or nurse.