To be a sahm if we aren't married?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

[Downwiththatsortofthing252]

Haven't read the full thread, but forget about the wedding party for now, you're a mum and need to protect yourself and your two kids. The whole romantic ideal is lovely but if you're looking to give up work then you would be incredibly vulnerable and foolish to not get married. Go in jeans to the local registrar office and job done, then you can plan your big wedding party.

I was the same as you, trusted my DP and didn't get married, now have 3 kids under 3 (one boy and then unplanned twins), and we're on the verge of splitting up except I can't go out on my own, I have no money. And no legal protection. It's a big regret of mine

[helterskelter3]

Me and DP are not married but have mirror wills and all our assets are in joint names. We don’t need to get married and have no intention of doing so. Can you look at working part-time to protect your NI contributions and pension? If anything happens, it’s easier to go full-time than get a job from scratch.

[burntdinner]

Sorry only read the first part of the thread but please take into consideration

If you are unmarried you are not next of kin and loose many rights should something happen to either of you ie accident or illness

Regardless of having left everything to the other in a will neither of you would be a spouse and are therefore liable for inheritance tax on anything over the current threshold which when you are talking properties and pensions isn't very high - only a spouse inherits without taxation

[lozster]

Gah!!! Again, for those who haven’t read any of the thread. Next of kin has no legal meaning in the uk.

[lozster]

And the tax free threshold is £325k. OP owns half the house anyway, and whilst OH’s estate may be over 325, equally it may not be especially if the OP is youngish with a mortgage and few other assets.

[fancynancyclancy]

I personally would find a way to stay working. Can you go part time? It doesn’t matter if you don’t earn much more that it costs as the childcare bill should be split across you both & it’s not forever. I gave up my career & started a new one after DC1. DH supported me in every way & even though he earns more if a child is ill we share the burden, his job is not more important than mine. Fast forward 3 years & Im now on a better salary & have a great role with lots of progression.

[SignOnTheWindow]

@NotReadyForThisX2

I know you've said your post is about being an unmarried SAHM rather than just being unmarried, and that you're getting married next year but...

My partner died completely unexpectedly when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child. We thought we'd covered all bases by making wills, sorting out pension etc. Two things that really hit me hard were that I wasn't entitled to any widowed parent's benefit and that I couldn't put DP's name on our DD's birth certificate when she was born.

It may not make any difference to your decision to wait till next year, and that's fair enough, but it's worth knowing all the implications. We didn't, and in retrospect would have done things differently.

[planespotting]

I'm named on DPs pension paperwork this can be changed with an email though

[user1474894224]

SAHM 11 years. Getting married this year. Life isn't all as bad as people on MN make out. I wouldn't have missed my babies growing for the world. I can't put a price on how special that was.

[sighrollseyes]

You've asked if you are making a daft decision. Everyone has told you that you are.
But you don't want to hear it - keep making more excuses.
Stop replying everyone because OP has made their decision.

[fancynancyclancy]

I wouldn't have missed my babies growing for the world. You can still experience this & work though.

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

Yes, I had access at the beginning. We were going to marry 'next year' too, until we didn't. I'm not saying this will happen to you, I'm advising you protect your children's futures by legally marrying, just in case. If it all stays fantastic for you then that's awesome and being married sooner will make no difference but if it doesn't, believe me it will make the world of difference.

[MsTSwift]

I loved my years at home with pre schoolers - once it’s gone it’s gone. Also once you have kids the wedding isn’t going to be textbook traditional romantic young couple white dress affair is it? The moments passed for that op

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

My mum was a sahm from 1993 until my youngest sister left school 8 years ago.

They werrnt married until 2007 so a lot of that was unmarried and it worked.

[N0rdicStar]

No everybody hasn’t told her she’s making a daft decision. It’s 2 years and she has s good job she can return to. That gives her more security than many marrieds with no job.

[N0rdicStar]

It isn’t a one size fits all. Many marrieds have inadequate if any pension provision and would be screwed financially in many ways if they got divorced. Job prospects is the real security.

[tangerine23]

I would SAH if I were you. You are in a good relationship, you are named on the house and insurance, and your partner is on board. It will allow you to truly enjoy your children while they are small and you can always go back later like you said. That is a very close age gap and you are going to be busy!!! Good for you for being careful but I would say go for it!! :)

[Sitdownstandup]

Getting married when you are/will be the financially more vulnerable partner is like any other form of protection and insurance: you might very well not need it. Shit isn't guaranteed to hit the fan, and lots of people have done without it and been fine. You just don't get to know in advance whether you're going to be one of those people or not.

So really it's a question of how you feel about the risk and benefit. I do think it's sensible when pregnant with a second child to take a pragmatic view of this, rather than I can't bear the thought of losing my dream wedding. But then it is still possible to come to a good decision for not very wise reasons.

[Sitdownstandup]

Also, comparisons to other people are not a sensible way to look at this. The issue OP needs to consider is how best to safeguard her position in her current circumstances, not whether there are married people with no security. There will be people who don't work who are better protected and richer than her, but that doesn't mean going back to work wouldn't benefit her.

[Thelieswetelltoourselves]

Glad you are feeling more positive about your unexpected surprise. You don't need to make any huge decisions at mo though. You've had a challenging week. Try and get out and do family stuff and take the spotlight off decisions.

My advice though is.

Make a plan for your pension.I've just had a gap of Seven years. Four or years of that as unmarried sahm . State pension is fine - occupational pension rubbish.

Do you need to keep your skills up for your registration? I lost mine in a vocational job as hadn't worked within last two years so couldn't register. I really wish I had done some agency work or voluntary work. Childcare was issue though and partner didn't realise impact on my career. Now I'm going to need to do some voluntary work on top of working full-time to be able to regain my registration.

I started studying in Sept again as brain needed it and recently returned to full time work. Job completely below my skill set but money good,close to home, predictable hours and relatively stress free (compared to what im qualified in!)

In the years that I became a stay at home I started to feel marginalized and unappreciated. Despite having the financial reins it wasn't my money. Yes DP earnt it for family and at first I think he liked being able to say he was supporting his family. However over time a few snide comments were made. Our relationship isn't in a great state and one too many digs later I thought fuck you and got a job. Im now earning slightly more than him. The equilibrium is being restored and he's doing more like an even split of housework and cooking. Suddenly he's a bit tired and hasn't even taken on some of the mental load (yet)

It can work OP but go in with your eyes open and a plan to marry. I hadn't thought about bereavement benefits to be honest and if my relationship wasn't in such a bad state I would be doing a quickie down the registry office just to get that legal status. The reason we haven't married previously is because I wanted a small modest family wedding but our family income didn't even stretch to that. Now there's more money im not sure I even want to.

Basically what I'm saying is I'm coming out the other end what you're planning to go into. My break away lasted longer than I anticipated because of a very much wanted surprise 3rd baby who we had given up hope of ever having. Life is unpredictable. I don't regret my time at home with the children. I do however wish I found a way to keep a hand in career.

[lozster]

Plane spotting - for the purposes of lump sum payments (death in service), anyone can change their pension ‘with an email’otherwise married people stuck in divorces that drag on for years would not have their wishes respected. Plus this is how ex’s can end up with pension benefits even if the pension holder has remarried as paper work hasn’t been updated. The issue there is keeping on top of named beneficiary.

Being married would give you a claim on pension as part of a financial settlement but this would be relative to the period you were married and a SAHM. OP isn’t married now and is intending to go back in, two years I think she said at one point so if she sticks to this, it’s a marginal issue. More pertinent is keeping her contributions to her own pension up to date. Op has already returned and is now saying she is looking for ways to reduce hours etc - this last point to the poster who claimed she ‘isn’t listening’. She has acknowledged that the bigger risk to her is in being a SAHM not on being married or not. As I’ve said upthread there are as many myths about the ‘protection’ of marriage as there are about ‘common law wife’.

[Timtims]

OP please re read the post @LannieDuck wrote at 07.56 yesterday.
It is very wise.

[lozster]

LannieDuck

The risk is more insidious than that, OP. And might be why the replies on this thread are so cautious.

By being a SAHM in the early years, you set yourself up as the default parent. When you decide you're ready to go back to work, you'll be impacting on your DH's set-up in a negative way and he may be more resistant than he claims now. We've seen lots of threads on here where the DH has thrown barriers up to the SAHM going back to work - they couldn't possibly do any part of the school run, no - of course they can't take days off work when the child's ill, his job earns more and so can't be compromised in any way.

The SAHM ends up trying to flexi her return to work around all the childcare (and the household chores, because that's become her job too while she's been at home), massively compromising her ability to do a job and often ending up PT. And still doing all the housework because she has 'more time off than he does'. And of course the childcare mental load, because she's always done it and he doesn't see it.

I'm sure I could easily find 4 or 5 threads like that just from 2019 if Mumsnet had a better search function.

[lozster]

TimTims - yes,
I thought the same when I read that post. Copied and pasted above for convenience. Marriage is the red herring here. The OP has already said she gets this and will be looking for other solutions.

[Quartz2208]

OP being married makes a surprisingly large difference in terms of legal stuff
It seems here the problem is that you want a wedding you need to get over that I think and accept that the best thing for your family is to be married