To be a sahm if we aren't married?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

If you've got all the right legal protection already, then don't get married if you don't want to.

You seem perfectly switched on to the implications.

But do be aware that a long period of not working will substantially affect your earning power. I took a 7-year career break & didn't catch up again until I was almost 50!

But it is a more significant risk if you are unmarried because it is easier to successfully challenge a will when married. I don't personally think this is a trump card and wouldn't base life decisions on it, nor would or have I SAHP'd. And I'm very married, and have been since long before kids.

Regardless, the belief that she would be protected by DPs half of the house automatically going to her if he died was important enough to OP to mention it. That means it's important enough for her to be aware that it isn't necessarily so, and that in such a situation she would have more chance of success if married. If, now OP knows this, it doesn't change her views, that's fine. The main thing is that she knows.

Maybe I’m just not very romantic, but I don’t get why people just don’t get the paperwork done and be legally married, and then save for the big day a few years in the future.

So much farting around because the big day must happen when you have the right figures (savings and body-wise).

Go back to work for a few weeks, go on maternity leave for no 2. Get married before the end of maternity leave 2. Don't go back after maternity leave 2 job done.

@NotReadyForThisX2

Are you each other's NoK?

I think your situation sounds fine, and if you want to be a SAHM for a time, do it.

I had 2 14 months apart and it’s hard work. I couldn’t imagine adding a job into the equation.

A marriage and relationship are more than using somebody as a safety net. I think children could suffer when it is used on that way too.

No one would argue with you there @N0rdicstar. But you have put certain protections in place for yourself in your relationship. You are named on your dp’s pensions and you have wills leaving everything to one another. Marriage is just a quicker way of doing what you already have. To imply that getting married is somehow more cynical than what you have done just isn’t right to me. It’s almost exactly the same as what you and your dp have. You were even a sahp for some time, which another poster said was “leaching off your dp”, assuming he supported you.

The added bonus in my case is that dh’s pension is actually an incredibly generous final salary one which we will not change. But we need to be married, as I understand it, for me to have any claim on it if he dies before me. Also, we avoid paying IHT when either of us dies, which could be an issue for us in the future.

No, it’s hardly romantic stuff is it? But neither is you being named on your dp’s pension and writing wills to each other. It’s almost exactly the same thing by another name.

I’m going to go against the flow here, but......

If you can afford to take time off from your job to stay home and raise your family that’s a wonderful luxury. It was only yesterday I was reading on mumsnet from a lady who was crying in the car park because she was returning to work and having to leave her 10 month old baby at nursery.

I stayed home until my youngest was 3 and even then I resented having to leave her with childminder because I wanted to be with my children. You never get those years back.

It’s tricky. I also read a post by a woman on here who had tried to focus on her career and took every opportunity, but still ended up with a mediocre at best career. That resonates with me a bit, as I am one for being a ‘go-getter’ and taking opportunities, but it doesn’t always pay off. This woman really regretted it, as she wished she’d spent those years with her children instead.

I do blame the gender gap a bit btw. Even my low achieving brother is doing better than I am with a LOT less work . Tbf, he is bloody charming.

But I digress; I think the op has a decent career already. The question is how would it be effected if she took a three year break?

I can't see what difference marriage makes, I prefer not to be married too.
As you say the house is in both names and you have insurance so just do what feels right for you.
It doesn't always help to make a decision based on all of the things that 'could' go wrong.
If you feel being a SAHM is the right thing for you then do it.
You can always pick up your career at a later date.

As I understand it and which? explain it in the photo, if the property has been bought as joint tenants then being married makes no difference in relation to what happens to the house. This is the case in the UK and how it was explained to me by my solicitor when I purchased my property as a joint tenant. If you google, top reference cites dissolving the joint tenancy but this is US not UK.

As I’ve said on here before. Some unmarried partners are deluded as to their ‘civil partnership’ rights. Married couples have rose tinted glasses as to the ‘protection’ of their married status.

So the key point is that a joint tenancy can be dissolved, unilaterally, by either. If someone dies as a joint tenant then yes, their share will pass automatically to the other. Whether married or not. But having bought as joint tenants doesnt mean you will still own as joint tenants at the time of death. Either can decide to become tenants in common instead, at which point it can be willed to whoever, and it's easier to challenge a will when married to the deceased.

I'm sure marriage is not water tight protection. But unless otherwise protected, assets are considered jointly owned. So if you were not married and defaulted on the mortgage you were jointly and severally responsible for, for example, you are as liable as your ex partner for the debt but with no financial assets or income, whereas legally your husband's assets and income are considered partly yours and he could be prosecuted for keeping them from you. Additionally you would be able to claim for the time you looked after his children while he worked, because you've legally acknowledged your household as a single financial unit. I mean neither scenario's great but the married one is better.

I think securing yourself against the worst happening means you can stop worrying about the worst happening - and the relationship can be about the relationship rather than about what you need to do practically. Much more romantic. I don't think everyone ought to get married to have kids but I do think it's sensible to do it if one of you stays at home.

No situpstanddown - I see no reference to being able to dissolve a joint tenancy?

No mention in the Which article I copy.

No mention by my solicitor

Mentioned on line but in reference to the USA but not UK?

Just get married on paper...you could always just keep it a secret and then do a big celebration and count that as the real wedding?

"I was a sahm before marriage. I trust my partner and we're happy together so it wasn't an issue for us" it isn't just separation that's the issue, critical illness, disability or death are also major issues if you aren't married. I've witnessed in my own family the repercussions of not being married if a partner dies. What are your "in laws" like? Even if you get on with them now that's no guarantee how they'll behave if your partner dies. Family member was left penniless & homeless with 2 young children.

Wills etc while you are unmarried can

A be changed unilaterally and without your knowledge at any time

B are more vulnerable to challenge by other relatives

"Because that's what my parents did and it was a disaster." Really? You do know you're basically just being superstitious then? It wasn't a disaster because they married in a registry office it was a disaster because they were ONLY marry un because she was pregnant. I'm also the baby of a shotgun wedding, they managed to pull off a big white catholic chapel affair though (I know don't get me started on the hypocrisy) it wasn't the type of wedding made it a stupid idea!

"What's the difference in being married or not?"

Not a great article but outlines some points

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I didn't say there was any mention of severing a joint tenancy in the document you linked to. That doesn't mean anything though, because they most certainly can be severed. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. You would be pretty foolish to presume that article is a comprehensive account of the legal possibilities.

Although interestingly our solicitor didn't mention it when we bought our house either. I dont know why.

Here’s a better reference

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2015/oct/29/can-i-counter-husband-action-sever-joint-tenancy

So the tenancy CAN be severed but marital status does not preclude this plus it does not change ownership.

Your point standuositdown is that in any legal wrangling thereafter marriage confers greater clarity and strength of argument based on a clear position. I do get that and you are correct. None the less, this is shades of grey. If your husband does this number on you you are still in a dreadful position albeit one that is an increment better than not being married. It is whether you ‘value’ this increment if protection sufficiently to make it worth getting married.

We crossed posts standupsitdown and no, I didn’t presume that the Which article was the last word. I relied on my solicitor who advised me as per your solicitor did and the solicitor of the OP and did not mention this.

It’s very simple to sever a joint tenancy. You can do it unilaterally in 20 minutes. I wouldn’t rely on joint ownership personally

The biggest risk here to the future financial stability of the OP is becoming a SAHM period (loss of earnings, difficulty reentering the job market, becoming default cater and cleaner). This eclipses any benefit conferred by marriage.

Seemingly so MsT but as the article indicates, a marriage certificate isn’t going to change that.

So what I did was waited until DC2 was born, made him pay for the entire wedding on his cards so if god forbid we split up even before then it was all on him. Then after we married I paid my share of the wedding.
However me bring a study at home mum was the biggest mistake ever, even though I ran two businesses whilst raising children when we split up I apparently sat in my arse for 10 years. So is not recommend it to anyone tbh

No but if you your dh is a bastard and severs the jt unilaterally and leaves his house to ow in his will the court will see you right if you married.

I don’t really get not being married in long term relationships with kids tbh but am cautious