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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family want a dog, I don't

148 replies

Home77 · 14/03/2019 09:57

I feel really mean to have said no. But I know the responsibility will fall on me as they are out most of the time and have busy lives- after school club and the like. DH also works long hours.

We live in a flat which is the first problem. We aren't allowed dogs, so this is a good excuse. However now DH is talking about moving so we can have a dog and garden (argh). Dc are young teens and happily settled in school etc.

I have suggested Walk my Doggy for eldest DC or the Cinnamon trust- where you help someone ill or elderly with dog walking. They don't want to as it would be their own dog.

We already have a Cockatiel which I feel needs enough attention, I end up feeding and looking after that sometimes, (and reminding them to do it)

They all including DH seem to want this dog but not taking on the reality of it, but making me feel like the mean one and being unkind my saying no. I feel like it would be another child / baby to look after.

It is also made worse as have relatives who dote on their dogs and feel like they are their world, they have got the dogs as the children grew up - it seems to me they like feeling if looking after them and being needed, but we aren't all the same and I'm somewhat relived by the Dcs becoming more independant.

They tell me it might be good for me as have MH to look after this dog and take it out etc, I prefer going out myself though to the shops or gym and don't like the park as other cross dogs there and chatty dog owner 'cliques'- remind me of the school run!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 14/03/2019 11:53

YANBU - my DH and DS would like a dog, I absolutely would not. I have made it clear that I would separate if they got a dog, and I mean it.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2019 11:55

Your family sound like they want the dog but not the responsibility, if they are not willing to work in a rescue or help out with a dog because it is not theirs, then they do not deserve a dog. It is people like your dh that dogs end up in rescues when the novelty has worn off.

thecatsthecats · 14/03/2019 11:55

Just stick to your guns. I have, and I don't regret it. Neither does my husband now we have cats.

(I genuinely think that a lot of people who want dogs are delusional and actually want a cat, they just don't know what either is really like - this is why you end up with so many badly conditioned and rehomed dogs - because a cat would have suited the owners just fine)

Not that a cat would suit the cockatiel...

RomanyQueen1 · 14/03/2019 11:57

Of course they can have the dog and dh and dc can be responsible for it. You will not be doing it. See how much they want one then.
I can understand the kids as they don't always see the consequences, but your dh should realise he isn't in a position to take care of a dog.

lovelygreenjumper · 14/03/2019 11:58

Stick to your guns! My younger siblings really wanted a dog and made all sorts of promises to my Mum about how much they'd do to look after it etc. She was not keen, but they wore her down- lots of reference to how it would teach them responsibility etc. The novelty wore off after a couple of weeks and she ended up doing everything for it- including getting up half an hour earlier every day to walk it (whilst sons stayed in bed). Added to this, family holidays had to be dog friendly or they had to pay £££ for the dog to be looked after- which usually meant that even on holiday she had to be thinking about and looking after the dog. Even on a UK self catering break the options for days out etc were limited by the need to have the dog in tow. Spur of the moment weekends away were not a possibility, unless dog friendly. And their dog lived to be 16 so this continued for quite a few years after my siblings had left home. Eventually the dog needed to be put down due to ill health- any guesses who had to deal with that???

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2019 11:58

I personally would love a dog, but I am not in the position to look after one and the commitment is huge, I have 2 demanding kids with SN and that takes a lot of my time. Maybe when I am older and the kids are adults. Dh is not keen and said the looking after would mainly fall on me, as he is at work and too tired. So no dog.

Fere · 14/03/2019 11:59

Tell them each to go for a walk for a month 40 min before school/work, 20 min after and 40 min in the evening. In all weathers. Today is a lovely day to start this new hobby Wink
Ask them to pick a poo each walk (plenty of those on pavements) and carry bag to the nearest bin.

Then you may reconsider

Waspnest · 14/03/2019 12:06

I wouldn't necessarily recommend a cat either tbh. As I stated above, there's still a lot of cleaning involved plus our cat is really clingy, on rainy days he wanders around meowing because he's bored but doesn't want to get wet, would like you to sit down so he can sleep on your lap for hours, is always sick/poos when being taken to cattery, attacks me randomly if he feels he isn't getting enough attention etc. Plus we live on a busy but rural cut through road so every time I come home I live in fear of seeing a squished cat (and having to tell DD). Oh and a new cat has moved in locally so we've already had several trips to the vet (complete with the accompanying sick/poo).

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant really, just saying that not all cats are the same.

Cath2907 · 14/03/2019 12:14

We got a dog, I wanted one as did DH and DD. He is lovely. A really nice little guy. We've had him a year. BUT he is far far far harder work and more responsibility than any of us expected. I'd say you have to be totally sure and committed or you'll end up resentful, anxious and thje dog won't get the home he deserves.

MillicentSnitch · 14/03/2019 12:14

Not the best life for a dog, is it, to have as its main carer someone who doesn't want it? You're doing exactly the right thing. And somewhere like borrowmydoggy.com would enable your kids to have a relationship with a dog without the commitment.

NoCauseRebel · 14/03/2019 12:14

Thing is, if it was any other kind of pet we wouldn’t even be having this discussion on here. It’s only because dogs are on the whole popular pets that people will talk them up, but if it was a snake, or a lizard the kids wanted plenty of people would support your decision.

And as for your DH actually suggesting moving house so you can get a dog..... words fail me. That’s a bloody expensive dog there.

I have always had lots of animals and am now down to just one dog and I adore him. However, more animals just can’t be on the cards for me at the moment for a variety of reasons. I actually would love a cat, but my last cat was killed on the road and that was utterly distressing. And now I have a life-limiting illness and have discovered that since I’ve not had cats I haven’t had hay fever in the summer, something which I was keen to avoid anyway so as not to take more drugs on top of the ones I already have to take for my medical conditions. I can only conclude that my cats used to bring in pollen on their fur and their paws which will have triggered my allergies, so sadly a cat can’t be in my future any more. Sad but at the end of the day, no needs to mean no and that is the end.

My DC too would love All manner of animals, and I tell them what my mum used to tell me, “you can have whatever animals you want when you have your own house.”

inchoccyheaven · 14/03/2019 12:15

I had a similar thread on here before Christmas as dsd and dw wanted a puppy but I didn't. We are now getting ferrets which they can still play with etc but less responsibility than a dog and they will live outside.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 14/03/2019 12:16

Don’t try any form of negotiation because we all know that despite trial runs and promises, responsibility will ultimately fall to you.

Both me and DH would love a dog, but are realistic about the commitment, workload, routine and costs. We appreciate the freedom to be impulsive which a pet curtails, so we let our head rule the heart.

EerieSilence · 14/03/2019 12:17

Not sure if it was mentioned here but I suggest you tell them that as a condition they should commit to walk the dogs and spend some time with them in a local shelter. If they can do the commitment, it's worth consideration, otherwise it's a no go.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 14/03/2019 12:26

It’s not even as though it’s as simple as committing to the care of a dog, there’s the problem of having to uproot and find a new home with a garden too. A garden that needs maintaining.

Original poster
Home77 · 14/03/2019 12:29

Thank you, this has helped me feel more assertive and less mean. It was my gut feeling but when surrounded by family who feel different it was not easy. I now feel more like it is Ok to say no and assert myself hearing the experiences of others also.

They have the Cockatiel also to play with and train which takes some commitment- which is not really being shown too much at present (although often through lack of time).

OP posts:
Original poster
Home77 · 14/03/2019 12:29

Yep not keen on a garden either!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 14/03/2019 12:33

Tell them each to go for a walk for a month 40 min before school/work, 20 min after and 40 min in the evening. In all weathers. Today is a lovely day to start this new hobby
Ask them to pick a poo each walk (plenty of those on pavements) and carry bag to the nearest bin.

^^ This. Oh and of course it includes weekends, so lie-ins are out for your DH.

Original poster
Home77 · 14/03/2019 12:37

Yes I agree it is unfair for the dog to have someone who resents it, one of the reasons I am saying no.

OP posts:
adaline · 14/03/2019 12:40

Tell them each to go for a walk for a month 40 min before school/work, 20 min after and 40 min in the evening. In all weathers. Today is a lovely day to start this new hobby. Ask them to pick a poo each walk (plenty of those on pavements) and carry bag to the nearest bin.

Yep. Then, ask them to go and stand out in the garden for at least five minutes, every twenty minutes, no matter what the weather, for about three weeks for toilet training. And DH can sleep on the sofa for two weeks or so as well, waking up 2-3 times in the night to settle the pup and for toilet breaks. Then his day can also start around 5.30-6am for a good few weeks as well.

Bet you it won't be so appealing then!

Happynow001 · 14/03/2019 19:13

Like the flour idea. Like the flour babies they used to give teens to see if they could cope with a baby, to prevent teenage pregnancies.

Actually I wouldn't do this either. A bag of flour won't bark, demand to be let out to toilet or toilet on the floor whilst you are asleep, chew the rugs/furniture, roll in mud, need to be bathed, cost you loads in vet bills/insurance, etc.

Whilst DH is at work or socialising and DCs at school or socialising what is happening with the "dog"/bag of flour - who is responsible?

You are better off just closing this down entirely with no negotiation, remarking they are upsetting you by continuing to argue - especially if none of them are keen on your great suggestion to befriending/borrowing a dog to get their fix.

I love the idea of getting a dog but really don't want to put in the time and effort to look after one. Good luck OP.

NutElla5x · 14/03/2019 19:54

Unless the whole family is on board it wouldn't be fair on any dog to bring one into your home.Do not be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into this op as a dog can live for 16 years and more,so it is a massive commitment!

mindutopia · 14/03/2019 20:25

You are absolutely making the right decision. Everyone else wants a dog but me to, because I have enough sense to realise how much work it is. We both work full time. I work long hours with a long commute 3 days a week (6am to 7:30pm). In summers, dh can work 7 days a week some weeks. The dc are lucky we manage to feed them some days. No dog deserves to be dropped into that mix, so it will never ever happen. I’ve told dh if if he wants pets he’ll have to divorce me first.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 20:36

I had loads of animals in my life as a kid - dogs, cats, rabbits, horses - I was mucking out horses stables before school for years. It defo teaches you responsibility. However, I was still thrown by the work required in having a dog as an adult when I decided to get my wonderful boy dog. Obvs he needs walking and that is an every day commitment regardless of anything else including bloody awful weather. Totally worth it in my opinion, but not for everyone

Mummyshark2018 · 14/03/2019 20:39

A dog can be a fantastic addition to a family. We all love ours. It takes everyone to be on the same page. However, They are a huge responsibility! Money, time, space, dirt, planning etc but we would not be without ours! My dh said the other day even if he was offered 1million quid he would never give him up! We only have 1 child and he is a great companion and has brought extra fun to the household.