Family want a dog, I don't

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I feel really mean to have said no. But I know the responsibility will fall on me as they are out most of the time and have busy lives- after school club and the like. DH also works long hours.

We live in a flat which is the first problem. We aren't allowed dogs, so this is a good excuse. However now DH is talking about moving so we can have a dog and garden (argh). Dc are young teens and happily settled in school etc.

I have suggested Walk my Doggy for eldest DC or the Cinnamon trust- where you help someone ill or elderly with dog walking. They don't want to as it would be their own dog.

We already have a Cockatiel which I feel needs enough attention, I end up feeding and looking after that sometimes, (and reminding them to do it)

They all including DH seem to want this dog but not taking on the reality of it, but making me feel like the mean one and being unkind my saying no. I feel like it would be another child / baby to look after.

It is also made worse as have relatives who dote on their dogs and feel like they are their world, they have got the dogs as the children grew up - it seems to me they like feeling if looking after them and being needed, but we aren't all the same and I'm somewhat relived by the Dcs becoming more independant.

They tell me it might be good for me as have MH to look after this dog and take it out etc, I prefer going out myself though to the shops or gym and don't like the park as other cross dogs there and chatty dog owner 'cliques'- remind me of the school run!

*left

Even young teens will be growing up and going off to college or moving out in a few years. A dog could be a 12+year commitment depending on breed, so unless they're planning on being around every day until their mid-20s you're going to be left to get on with it. Stick to your guns.

I love dogs and desperately wanted one as a child - my parents finally caved when I was 15, and added a second a year later, and they were beloved family pets for 15-16 years - but YANBU if you don't trust that your family will actually take care of it and you don't want to.

Before we got our first dog, I walked our next door neighbour's dog daily, which I loved doing. I spent hours every week researching different breeds, finding a good fit for our family, I bought dog magazines, I took books out of the library and joined internet groups (back in the mid-nineties) to find out more etc. If this is the kind of dedication your husband or children show then I'd be more inclined to sympathy, but if not then I think you're probably making the right decision.

As soon as I left home I got my own dog(s) and haven't looked back, even when it's restricted my accommodation (renting with a dog isn't the easiest!) and holidays etc. No regrets from me, but it is a BIG commitment and if you're not convinced your family can make it, say no. (If you do say yes at any point, I recommend adopting an adult dog, because while puppies are cute they are a TON of work. A settled older dog can be a joy. All mine have been adopted as adults.)

I'm eternally grateful to DD2's speech therapist who is training up a therapy dog and has therefore been able to show DD2 what a massive job it is to look after a dog. They're all or nothing, dogs - they want a relationship with you, it's not like having a cat that slopes in at 6am, gives you a nod and goes to sleep for 9 hours.

I've been saying no for years though to be fair it's just the kids wanting a dog. I work from home and could walk one - but I can and do walk miles without a dog and know it would all end up on my shoulders. Just no.

I'm sorry to hear that FirstTimeMama. I hope it improves! Get them to deal with it, perhaps.

They tell me it might be good for me as have MH to look after this dog and take it out etc

What an absolutely patronising bunch they sound!

Um, you've already told them YOU DON'T WANT TO. But oh nooo, it's something they want so they're going to nag and browbest you because THEY'VE decided it 'will be good for you' (translation: we want we want! But you must do the boring bits!!')

No.

'I never want a dog. I can't imagine anything more irritating. I really love my walks and me time wandering into shops, having nothing to think about but me. Ugh, how a dog would spoil that. And the lease. And the allergies. And the training, who's volunteering to do the puppy classes, because I've done my bit? And how awful will it be for you when you all get bored and try and leave it to me (hem hem COCKATIEL anyone?) but I decide it's too much for me with a dog and rehome it? Yes of course I'd rehome it...'

NO.

I adore our now two year old dog, but if I could go back in time I definitely wouldn’t have made the same choice.

Teen ds does nothing with him unless asked to walk him which he will (grudgingly) but they don’t go far which I find annoying.

Everything else is left up to me and dh but mostly me as dh is away so much.

He doesn’t shed which is a relief but all the soft furnishings smell ‘doggy’, he wants to be with us constantly, is fussy with his food, barks at everything that dares to pass the house and anybody who dares to enter and is generally a pain in the backside.

Luckily he is also quite lush so I can forgive him but I really wouldn’t do it again.

Do not get a dog unless YOU are totally committed to looking after it. No matter what any other member of the family says it will be down to you. At one stage I had 3 dogs, we are now down to one. I would hate a house without any dogs and we have a puppy arriving at the end of April. I know that the care etc all comes down to me but I am passionate about them and enjoy walking the dogs in all weather.
Also vet bills are an issue. Even with insurance which costs a bomb, the excess is payable.
W
If you want to go on holiday you will also need to pay someone.
Do not move to accommodate having a dog. That is a ridiculous idea.

I think you are being extremely sensible. I have a (now elderly dog) and although he's lovely and we've had good times, they are outweighed by the massive chore of walking and constantly picking up poo which I have done for the last 12 years whatever the weather and however I have been feeling. Severe period pain? Still need to walk the dog. Stomach upset? C-section? Sleeting down on a Monday morning in January? Still need to walk the dog. Honestly, stick to your guns and keep saying no.

My favourite poem:

Mother Doesn’t Want a Dog
Judith Viorst, 1931

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
And when you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back out because
The dumb dog has to go.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead,
And do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

:)

Don't do it. Trust your gut. You will have the daily chore of it.

Going against the grain here but I grew up desperate for a dog. The whole family wanted one, including my Dad, but my mum put her foot down the whole way. I hated that, so my kids have never known life without a dog. Can't you get a small one more suited to a flat (something like a Cavapoo or similar, that doesn't moult) and have a walker come in? Some breeds are massively more work than others. Ours has a walk in the morning then sleeps most of the day!

I don't think we can afford a walker.

Usually people mature with enough perspective to see why parents make those kinds of decisions thought, tbf.

If they are that keen they could go for helping with other dogs, perhaps.

Yes, I am always unsure if this reasoning that because the person didn't have something their DCs must have it. We get that from relatives sometimes. The DC aren't you. Like you can fulfil your past losses through the Dcs..

I have had dogs since my dc were tiny.. And I really don't recognise what most of the posters are saying.
My dogs have never woken me up, never clingy or needy and I can't believe the op who said she can't go to the gym for an hour cus of the dog!
Dogs, like children do not get to dictate what the whole family does... However op.. I love dogs, couldn't imagine not having them, go me they make a house a home and complete my family... BUT that is my choice, I wanted the ddogs as much as my dc did, so happy to walk them etc.
I think they can be very good for people with mh issues if they need help getting out of house, and some exercise every day, dogs can also be a great comfort when you are anxious or stressed.
But you sound as if you already have your own coping mechanisms and don't need the support of a dog, so stick to your guns, for you and any dogs sake.

If you can get a breed that is right for your family and your lifestyle it will be fabulous and you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. HOWEVER, if you personally don't really want one anyway you will just end up seeing the bad side/hard work. For example, my dog is large and sheds everywhere. This doesn't bother me, but some people would be driven demented by it (my Dyson is very busy, lol). I would never be without him but he is work and its not for everyone!

I think I’ve heard that you can foster dogs. Your kids could do this for a while to see if they can take responsibility for the dog (and you can prove your point that it’s always you that needs to end up looking after it).
Otherwise stick to your guns.

Why don’t you get a cat OP? (unless you’ve already been got one). You’ve already said you like cats better than dogs and you still get a lovely companion that isn’t nearly as much work.

I currently have a dog but as much as I love him he’s been incredibly hard work and my mental health went backwards for a while. As a former cat owner if I had my time again I’d probably get another cat (or two) instead of a dog.

I can make the point about the Cockatiel being more time consuming than they thought and me doing that, to start with and have told them if they want a dog I won't be involved in it, so they need to make arrangement for it, without me. Also, I can remind them DH has an allergy. he forgets that. Maybe there are types which can be non allergic though.

OP, you don't need to engage in arguments or make points or any of this. Just tell them bluntly that the family is NOT getting a dog, and that if someone turns up with one then it will be taken back to the breeder like a flash. End of subject.

Yes I think anything other than a NO or maybe a comment that the argument is upsetting you so could they please stop is giving the impression that you are not entirely against the idea.

You can't have a dog because your flat doesn't permit dogs.

Therefore no reputable rescue or breeder would let you have a dog - they DO ask these things!

Even if you lived in a place that permitted dogs.. still no. There is, in my experience and as a behaviourist/trainer thats fairly vast, little worse for a dog than living where it is not wanted by the primary care giver.

So DH and DC's can volunteer at a rescue (if DC's are under 16 they will almost certainly need DH with them as rescues insurance won't cover under 16's) to walk dogs, sit with dogs, read to dogs etc.

If they don't want to do that.. tough. Their desire for a dog absolutely does not trump your desire NOT to look after a dog OR the dogs actual needs which will not be met by them.

YANBU. And this is coming from an animal lover. As a child, they were my little hobby, I never did any extra curricular activities really. We had cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, gerbils, hamsters, rats... my parents did put their foot down about a dog though which obviously I grew up to understand completely. We don’t have any pets now, we have 2 young dc and even when they are older I would never have a dog because they are too much work!