Family want a dog, I don't

[Home77]

I feel really mean to have said no. But I know the responsibility will fall on me as they are out most of the time and have busy lives- after school club and the like. DH also works long hours.

We live in a flat which is the first problem. We aren't allowed dogs, so this is a good excuse. However now DH is talking about moving so we can have a dog and garden (argh). Dc are young teens and happily settled in school etc.

I have suggested Walk my Doggy for eldest DC or the Cinnamon trust- where you help someone ill or elderly with dog walking. They don't want to as it would be their own dog.

We already have a Cockatiel which I feel needs enough attention, I end up feeding and looking after that sometimes, (and reminding them to do it)

They all including DH seem to want this dog but not taking on the reality of it, but making me feel like the mean one and being unkind my saying no. I feel like it would be another child / baby to look after.

It is also made worse as have relatives who dote on their dogs and feel like they are their world, they have got the dogs as the children grew up - it seems to me they like feeling if looking after them and being needed, but we aren't all the same and I'm somewhat relived by the Dcs becoming more independant.

They tell me it might be good for me as have MH to look after this dog and take it out etc, I prefer going out myself though to the shops or gym and don't like the park as other cross dogs there and chatty dog owner 'cliques'- remind me of the school run!

YANBU and definitely need to stay firm. If your DCs are not even interested in your suggestions of the cinnamon trust/ borrow my doggy then I don’t think they are actually that keen. As a dog less teen I would have jumped at either of these options. ( Although now, as an adult who would have to do all the work I don’t actually want a dog anymore!)

They feel DC is sad due to not being able to have the dog. Cousin has got a new dog and he is sad after it is gone. Suggested he helps with this dog but is 'not the same'. Argh.

As PPs have said, stick to your guns! They are being really unfair to you.

I was DESPERATE for a dog as a child (we had lots of other pets), petitioned my parents endlessly for one. My dad especially didn't want the responsibility of a dog and held firm. I'm in my mid-thirties now, and I still don't have a dog, because I now understand the reality of looking after one!

I'm so glad for all our sakes they didn't cave, I spent most of my teen years out of the house and I can just imagine the rows we would have had about me walking the dog etc instead of going out with friends/boyfriends.

I wouldn't be so sure about cats being more independent though - we have two and they are clingier/harder work than my toddler! Worth it though.

Your family is being totally unfair. Of course you shouldn't get a dog in these circumstances. Tell your dh and your dc they can have a dog when - respectively - he retires and can devote himself 100% to it and they are grown up and in homes of their own (when they will realise what a drain a dog can be). I love my dog but he is a HUGE commitment and the dc who promised they'd help walk him etc of course do bugger all.

@Home77

I'm with you OP. Dogs can be lovely, adorable, faithful creatures, but they are also hard work, can be clingy and needy, need to be walked 2 or 3 times a day (no matter what the weather,) and they make a smell and a mess (and are sometimes yappy and noisy!). Some dog owners deny their houses smells of dog, but it does. You can also say goodbye to a lie in most days, as doggy face will want you up at the crack of dawn to be let out for a wee/a poo/a walk!

I think (most) dogs are lovely, but I wouldn't have one as they are hard work, and you have to be very committed to them. I honestly wouldn't be able to give a dog the life it would deserve.

And as you said, YOU would be the one looking after it. It's almost always the woman of the family/the mum who ends up doing the drudgery in the home. So YANBU. You need to stick with saying no.

Don't do it and good on you for sticking to your guns. I've had dogs for over ten years and currently have four. However, I am very passionate about them. Which you need to be, because they are very tying.

Tell your children that they can have their own dogs as adults and your husband needs to stop behaving like a demanding child himself.

YANBU. Fortunately my children never asked for a dog and my husband would certainly not be up for it.

My next door neighbour, however, got a puppy when her children were early teens after months of nagging. Predictably, she was the one up with it in the night, she was the one taking it to puppy classes and walking it daily, feeding it, cleaning up after it. A couple of years later the children were barely at home because of social life,school etc. Then they sailed off to uni and she was left with the dog and all the responsibility that entails. (No change there, then)

If a person doesn't actually like dogs, or want the responsibility of a dog, I can't understand how it could help with MH issues. Surely it's just more pressure.

A dog is a huge amount of work, they can't be left alone for ages, puppy is like having a baby. Vets are expensive and kennels.
Don't do it, kids will grow and leave you with dog. Get them to contact dog trust and get info, you won't pass the suitability test to adopt one.

Give them a big bag of flour and tell them it represents a dog. Tell them if they can look after the 'dog' for one whole month, you'll consider getting a dog permanently.

Tell them they have to take it out for walks twice a day for at least X time, feed it etc.

They'll never keep it up so you always have a get out of jail free card.

I think you're right to say no. I think the kids are too old to really benefit from a dog if they're already teens, they'll be gone witinn 5ish years then you'll be left with the dog for another 10.

I love dogs, my dh doesn't. He's said I can have one but he will never do anything for it (walks, dog poo, feeding, grooming etc) and I believe him, he won't.

If your dh wants a dog he'd have to do the dog walking before and after work and commit to that. Or pay a dog walker. If he can't, then tough. It's unreasonable to want a dog but then not be prepared to put in the hard work.

I've got 2 dogs, and they are my absolute world, I couldn't love them more.

But god they're hard work. Up at 6am every day, walking in all weathers, feeding, training, grooming, exercising.... I can't leave them for more than an hour as one has chronic separation anxiety.

If you aren't 100% in, don't do it. My family won't even walk mine if I'm ill, I've got a chronic condition that flares up and I'm so beyond exhausted this week because the dogs needs come before me. I wouldn't change anything as I get so much back from them but being a dog owner isn't for the half committed.

Ds1 wants a dog, ds2 is terrified of dogs and does not want one under any circumstances, ds3 likes dogs but is 4 so wouldn't exactly be any use in caring for one, dh is neutral, I am on the side of ds2 but if everyone else really wanted one and we had the right home and working hours etc would go along with it.

Yanbu. A dog is a huge commitment and a living being who should be wanted by everyone it lives with, and needs a home where all its needs can be met.

Oh no, the thought of puppy classes etc- after doing toddler groups and activities for years, no way! Yes come to think of it the other family who have dogs do all that...it seems pretty full on. I like a lot of space, and go swimming etc, and time out to keep sane. They also, can't go in shops and cafe's sometimes can they?

Ok so I feel i have made a good suggestion by giving the option of the dog walking or helping with other family members dogs and that is a good option, and in the future if she they have the time for a dog that is up to them. DH getting older anyway so could have one if retired as you say. and DC have clubs every day after school, GCSEs coming up and possibly moving away..

Oh that reminds me of the cousin who has recently got this puppy, they also have this big black dog which has stayed at home when they went to college and cousin said the other day 'oh (name of black dog) was meant to be my dog...but I've got this one now"- the two dogs won't get on- and now this impossibly situation where they need to be kept apart!- so guess what her mum has to look after the black dog.

No way am getting into situations like that. Daft.

YANBU. I work in animal welfare and also volunteer for The Cinnamon Trust! It's a great idea :)

Like the flour idea. Like the flour babies they used to give teens to see if they could cope with a baby, to prevent teenage pregnancies.

I feel eldest DC who really wants a dog could try the helping with dogs first

Ask eldest to volunteer to walk a neighbour's dog every day for a couple of weeks. A couple of evenings in the rain will put them off.

Stand your ground. You WILL end up doing all the legwork.

Tell your kids they can have a dog when they have their own home.

Cheeky fuckers putting that on you.

Everyone knows damn well it will end up being all left to you. And like PP said, they will be off to uni, social life etc etc in a few years.

I'd also be fucked off with DH encouraging them too. He won't be there most of the bloody time. Does he think the dog will take care of itself?

Tell them you will get a god if they prove they can look after the cockatiel for a year (or six months or however long it would take to look for a new house) without any help from you.

I would agree it doesn't sound the right time for a dog in your household. I have a dog - I adore him and he enriches my life no end (I also have cats - fab too). However a dog takes work and if its all going to fall to you - which it will - you will feel resenful no matter how much you love him/her. Having to take them out for a pee in awful weather is no fun - I don't care what anyone says! Get your kids to try Borrow My Doggy and see what they think - my SIL does it as they live in a flat and dont feel they can have one of their own and it satisfies the doggy cravings!

I was you, and gave in. Worst decision we ever made, and I regret it every day, and now I'm stuck. Stick to your guns!
To move house just to get a dog is quite extreme too!

Don't do it....I didn't want one either, my OH had a longing for a dog and he and the DC researched the breed and all agree what they would be doing....then he arrived. Complete chaos, whined all night (no I wasn't having the dog in my room), no consistency in how to deal with the dog, we argued all the time, it was all fun taking him out for walks to start with but as it was a breed that are notorious for poor recall the dog would just run off. The dog didn't bother with ball games and after nipping at the DC too many times they got bored. My OH didn't appreciate the dog needs walked and fed. My OH is a poor owner and should never have a dog. I have ended up now dealing with the dog, I feed him, bath him and walk him. He has allergies too so needs medication. Oh and then there is the penchant for rolling in fox poo....that is a delight to wash off. I am left angry at being the person thats had to now manage the dog, We cant just go away for a weekend, friends don't invite us as they don't want a dog in their house, holidays abroad are a nightmare as I have no-one to look after him and kennels are expensive. If we do go to someone elses house he whines all night (doesn't do it at home).....your DC are teens and will have moved out and you will be left with the dog for at least 10-14 yrs....put your foot down. I should add that I love my dog but if I could turn back the clock he wouldn't be here.

have told them if they want a dog I won't be involved in it

Don't even say this. You will end up with all the work regardless of their promises.

Your DH is being very childish and selfish. Your children have the excuse of being children, but he shouldn't be pandering to them.

In this case a dog is not happening. It will fall on you to do all the care, and you don't sound keen on dogs yourself so it is a no. Unless your dh starts working from home to look after a dog it is a no. Same for babies, if one wants a baby and the other does not, the one who does not always trumps it as it would not be fair on the baby, same with a dog.

YANBU! Getting a dog is a serious decision with long term implications. As you are the one who it appears will get lumped with most of the caring duties you should absolutely have right of veto.

We have a lovely small dog who we have owned for nine years and he will likely live another 7-9 years with good health. My DH and I split the care duties but in reality I do 3/4 of everything (my work schedule is more flexible). I do the vet appts, order his food/poop bags etc... and 2 of his 3 walks a day, one long walk and one medium walk and my DH does the last walk of the day. We have a garden but that is NOT a substitute for giving a dog enough exercise, you should do 3 walks day, depending on the breed, a 45 minute to an hour long walk. You'll either need to get health insurance for the dog or be prepared for a large bill if your dog gets ill or injured, insurance usually doesn't cover the complete cost of veterinary treatment.

It's also worth considering how long your children will live at home before they go off to live their own lives, just in case you're depending on them to help walk the dog etc. Likewise, it's harder to take holidays and trips on the spur of the moment and you may need to factor in extra cost for kennels/dog sitters etc... which add up.

I don't mean to be down on getting a dog, we love ours and he brings us joy and everyday I'm happy to see him having a good life with us after we adopted him from a shelter but it's a life changing commitment. I think your DH needs to honestly consider all these factors. The way to think about having a dog is to realise that in some ways, your dog is like a small child that will never grow up, you will always have to walk him, clean him, pick up after him, care for him when he's sick etc... If you're not ready to sign up for that don't let others pressure you into it, you're not being selfish to say no.

i'd be concerned your bird would soon be poorly / die if you let it to everyone else tbh.