Couples who do absolutely everything together

[evaperonspoodle]

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

The op said it's meant to be lighthearted , I think 1 or 2 have took it personally.
Like my dh said we do things together and separately.
Those that do everything together thats lovely but I think it's odd if say you can't pop to the shop without dh or the doctors . There is also hairdressers I've seen men waiting for their partners that's a little odd surely they can get their hair done on their own

I don't know anyone who wouldn't tell their partner. They might not bother to, because it's too uninteresting to repeat, but there's no reason why they should hide something from them. I would find it weird and unhealthy if you couldn't confide in your own partner.

Well I wouldn't if you told me something in confidence. DH is my partner he doesn't own my mind and doesn't have the right to know everything about things that don't concern him. Of course if it did concern him directly I would tell him. Dd1 wants to talk to ME sometimes also - she'd soon stop if I went trotting off telling her Dad everything I'm sure. I could confide in DM without her telling DF, in fact it never occured to me that she would (she deffo didn't I know that!)

I remember him being a few years ago because a friend of mine had told me she was pregnant in confidence, she bumped into him and assumed he knew. She confided in me about quite a lot of stuff after that needless to say.

I think yanbu op my opinion is that it can be a red flag for really controlling behavior.

Someone at work regularly invites their spouse to the office for lunch, slightly outside usual lunch hour times so it's especially noticeable.

Last week they were sitting together on a sofa in a corridor eating a cooked lunch off plates on their laps with knives and forks, while we were walking past on our way to a meeting.

There's no rule against it but I always think it's bloody odd. Everyone's too polite to say anything.

My in laws are like this. Every medical appointment, haircut, trip to the shops, they have to go together. FIL is retired now and the only time MIL goes out without him is to work. FIL stays in all day until MIL comes home.

It does make me wonder what will happen when one of them dies.

On a separate note we have two DC aged 1 and 4 and I’m always getting praised when I take them on days out etc on my own! It never occurred to me not to- my DH works a lot of weekends and the 4 year old needs entertaining now and again.

YABU, such a bizarre and petty thing to have a problem with.

It can be harmless, it can be controlling, the ex had an interesting take.on it. He'd want to take me.to some of his hobbies, sometimes it was ok, sometimes it was a mega pain and.i was the only wife there. If I said no then I'd probably get why don't.you.suppport me in my hobbies.do and sis wife.alwsus.comes you're just being unfriendly. Saying so and so wasn't there.last week, is she.being unfriendly never went down well. He.didnt.like me doing things on my own, it was such a big deal if I ever did say get.a chance.to go off and do something in my own that I enjoyed. He.didn't.much like.me.goimg and doing things I enjoyed and.if.i tried.to suggest.for.a change.he.came.witjh me.he.would.just spoil things. So some people would have thought we did lots together but wouldn't see what was behind it. The in-laws were joined at the hip and it bit her on the bum when he got dementia as she'd no friends locally to talk to or pop round for a chat. He had no friends locally either to come round and chat about old.times. she failed.to learn how to deal with someone with dementia and would constantly contradict him an that would wind him up, it was painful to see them , they had had. No one to talk to about issues about getting older, no one to casually mention for example i've just done my power of attorney, I'd hate to think my shift would.need to go to the court of protection if I went down with dementia, and it would be handy too temporarily if I was in hospital and couldn't get.money out have you done yours , I'm having a ramp put in cos im.worried my arthritis is getting worse etc

It’s odd to me but seems more common than I thought. My dad has no friends and has never had any as far as I can see. Mum does. I hope he isn’t left alone because he won’t be able to cope without her. I would put money on him dying within a year if she goes first. Possibly quicker

I am bored to death when I travel alone - but unlike others, I don't judge others who do prefer it.

Disorganised. But you do. You said upthread that people who holidayed alone can’t have a very happy relationship.

Dd1 wants to talk to ME sometimes also - she'd soon stop if I went trotting off telling her Dad everything I'm sure

I stopped telling my mum things precisely because of this. In a way I can understand it more if what you are sharing are things about your child. However, there were things about boyfriends that I wanted to discuss with my mum, but not with my dad, as I found him odd and controlling. Except my mum would tell him anything I told her. So I stopped telling her as well.

Yes, I know. Their relationship isn't a healthy one and yes, my dad is controlling.

Unhealthy? My mother has holidayed with female friends and with me for decades and she and my dad have been happily married for 55 years. Similarly, he's had plenty of holidays with male friends. They holiday together, too, but plenty of time without each other. Very happy, healthy marriage.

It is bizarre, needy and codependent - and I say that as someone who was in a relationship like this. I have MH issues. When I was with the guy, I felt so secure and happy having him around all the time, and always having someone to do things with. But when we split, it made me realise how isolated I’d made myself. I did have friends, but I felt incredibly exposed being alone and having to be responsible and independent. I actually think it’s even more unhealthy for someone with MH issues to be in this situation because if that support is ever withdrawn, either through a break up, death, whatever - it leaves the sufferer in an incredibly vulnerable position.

I’ve learned from that experience - I now realise that the healthiest approach is to cultivate a life full of things that make me, as an individual, feel fulfilled and secure, whether that’s friends, hobbies etc. A relationship should be an added bonus to that, not the centre of your life.

Split up with my best friend over this issue years ago. We went on holiday together and her hb was such a pig. I wouldn't be told what to do by him and took off on my own. Years down the line she has no friends whatsoever and he is definitely controlling and abusive.I on the other hand have a great circle of friends, DH and I do things together and seperately. How needy and unconfident and insecure to suffocate your spose even on a trip to get petrol.Its time for reflection and to get a life and don't his me all the best friend bs. My dh is my bf and we have time apart.

@coffeeismyspinach
Are you the hen weekend poster.

I'd say a better word to have used would have been 'puzzled' rather than miffed. When we were young and working, DH and I would usually 'divvy' up the errands or one run and the other stayed with the DC. But now DH and I are retired and we go to places together a lot simply because we have the leisure of time on our hands, so why not? It's almost like a luxury to say "Oh, you're going to XXX? I'll come along for the ride".

But we're certainly not joined at the hip, we both do our own thing at times with our own friends. That's what 'miffs' me. When you can't get together with your 'gang' because one of them insists on inserting her husband! But I feel the same about women who bring their children to what should be just the adult friends.

I'm confused. So you do go out with a friend, on your own?

You do have friends? That you meet. Just them and you. And your Dh is not there?

Me and my dh aren't like this, but I have no judgement on couples that are.
It's each to their own, I would feel suffocated but others may find a lot of comfort from doing everything together.

AlexaAmbidextra

Disorganised. But you do. You said upthread that people who holidayed alone can’t have a very happy relationship.

please don't twist my words - I was replying to some rude comments, and showing how it's not that lighthearted but bitchy to make that sort of judgements.
I don't actually care how anyone spends their holidays, if you invite me to a "girl holiday" I'll just thank you and decline.

Other posters seem entitled to make all sort of comments and assumptions - I am just showing you how pleasant it is by doing exactly the same.

I mean, "Klingon", "needy", "codependent", "controlling" "unhealthy" "make my toes curl"
Really? some people feel that involved in other couple relationships?
Funnily enough, when you return the compliment they get offended and accuse you to have issues.

My Ex accused me of being 'too independent'. His problem, not mine. Pretty sure he and his 3rd wife are joined at the hip.

I am still the same as I ever was, and DP is fine with it, even appreciates it.

disorganised if you are happy then there's no issue. It is slightly puzzling the extent to which you are desperate to defend your own choices though. Why do you care what others think if you are happy? After all we can't get on with everyone.

I have a friend like this. If I invite her over for a play date the husband always comes too. Same if I go to hers, he joins us. Even when i was pregnant and she was asking all the pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding questions as usual, he looked a bit awkward tbh. I do like him though, hes good fun etc. So I dont mind, it's just very noticable as none of my other friends ever do this.

Some people are being very disparaging here about female friendships. 'Girl's night, or 'girl's weekend' is just shorthand for women spending time together, not for talking about nail varnish colours all night (nothing wrong with that though!). The dynamic is different to when men are around (some might say more fun, or more honest), and I imagine 'boy's' only nights feel similarly different for men.

Its not just female friendships is it? Some people actually like space and doing things on their own yes okay I'm clearly antisocial

Teatea, it's hardly being 'desperate to defend your own choices' to reply with opinions and experiences on a forum designed to, funnily enough, share opinions and experiences.

It is slightly puzzling the extent to which you are desperate to defend your own choices though.

haha the cheek of that comment on such a bitchy thread! Allow me to mock people who are so judgmental in the first place.

Why do you care yourself? I love how posters are not allowed to respond and have an opposite opinion because it spoils the bitchiness.

If you’re going to use a word, especially as frequently as you do, fgs use the correct one. You’ve had it pointed out to you what miffed means, then have kept on using it despite saying you’re not annoyed and acknowledged that it doesn’t actually affect you in any way.

Use a word you actually MEAN.