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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 14/03/2019 14:33

IrmaFayLear
* .. is mil back from the dead! Fil's leash was shorter than a watch strap.*

Does this mean that MIL has passed away?

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 14/03/2019 14:35

A book I read recently made the point that modern society puts a huge amount of pressure on relationships as we expect our partner to meet all our needs as a lover/friend/confidante/entertainer.

I think it's hugely important to maintain relationships away from your partner. Most cultures place emphasis on social bonds beyond the family – they're critical for when we're in need of help, or bereaved, or whatever.

I think relationships where the couples do absolutely everything together and are joined at the hip are co-dependent and ultimately unhealthy. I love my partner, but I also love my friends and the dynamic we have when it's just us. Those bonds are precious and I'll go a long way to maintain them.

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 14:39

Surely you can’t both always be interested in the exact same things? How is that even possible?

Because we met via our favourite sport, how is that so surprising?

DH and I don't like the same books, but we can survive reading different things in the same room Grin

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 14:43

@mma1978 - why didn't one of you just ask him to give you privacy?

BlackPrism · 14/03/2019 14:46

@OwlBeThere see I would tell DP everything if it came up unless my friends asked me specifically not to... which they do and so do I to them. But, we share a lot of the same friends so he's always interested

TheKitchenWitch · 14/03/2019 14:47

I don’t mean that you don’t share ANY hobbies with your DH, obviously. But how can neither of you have interests which the other doesn’t?

I also don’t really see how it can be a good thing to not have any individual friends, to always see people only as a couple.

mummyodell · 14/03/2019 14:48

@WhatsAppRemoval - I was is their home, not really my place to do that and as my friend never said anything, I assumed she was ok with it!

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/03/2019 14:51

FIL had an allotment and mil discovered (bil snitched) that rather than doggedly digging potatoes fil was sitting in his shed listening to the cricket. Mil stormed down there, confiscated the radio and cancelled the allotment. I posted earlier that she scuppered his attempts at belonging to a choir. They could only do things together.

That is absolutely dreadful. 😱. What an appalling woman. Poor FIL.

TheKitchenWitch · 14/03/2019 14:56

Surely the money thing is only an issue if you can’t afford it? Some hobbies are more expensive than others, do they have to be equal or they’re not allowed?

AnnaComnena · 14/03/2019 15:01

I have friends who have joint emails who are not elderly. But yes i concede it may be something more common wirh the older generation. Still prefer to communicate with the person I want to communicate with without partner sniffing around.

A joint email address is fine for communicating with family or people who are friends of both of the couple. But I've had dealings with people who hold positions such as secretary in a local organisation, and their address for business relating to the organization is bobandsue@....

I'm communicating with Bob, my message isn't intended for Sue, who doesn't have any official role in the organisation.

OlgaArsenievnaOleinik · 14/03/2019 15:03

It’s really gonna be shit for you if he dies or leaves you then, isn’t it?

What a bloody daft thing to say.

FullOfJellyBeans · 14/03/2019 15:16

It’s really gonna be shit for you if he dies or leaves you then, isn’t it?

What a nasty thing to say and a horrible way to live! If two people love spending all their time together I hardly think they should stop just because it might be difficult when one of them dies. On that basis we would never do sport as it will leave a gap in our lives when we become too infirm to continue.

There's a real nasty streak to some of the comments. Assuming we're not talking about abusive spouses who are controlling their partner what's the harm? Doing the school run together because you enjoy each other's company is a nice thing. It would be weird to bring your partner to an event they were clearly not invited to (hen night for example) or to refuse to go anywhere or have any private conversation without them but other than that it sounds fine.

Belenus · 14/03/2019 15:32

Because we met via our favourite sport, how is that so surprising?

I met my boyfriend through a hobby. There are also several other things we enjoy doing together. But we both have separate hobbies too. Maybe it's because we're both middle aged and have spent quite a bit of time being single. You develop various interests and the chance of someone also being interested in exactly the same things is minimal. I do sometimes feel like he's the male version of me, but there are still hobbies and sports he's interested in and I'm not.

Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 15:42

That was obviously an unpleasant way to put it, which was unnecessary, but that poster does have a point. All relationships end, whether through a break up or death. Many of us will lose our partner, and if you've spent your life depending on them for all of your emotional needs, it makes it much much harder to cope with the loss. It's so important to keep your own identity and your own friends. Any man who has a problem with that isn't worth bothering with.

winsinbin · 14/03/2019 15:49

For the record I have an email address that looks shared (both our initials and then shared surname) because when I established it over 20 years ago it was a shared email as was quite usual in the olden days. DH quite quickly set up his own email accounts and hasn’t had access to the shared one for at least 17 years so anything sent to that address has been private for a long, long time.

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2019 15:52

I read somewhere or other that people with very close relationships tend to marry again very speedily, so no need to worry about them being alone! Look at Paul McCartney. Linda was the love of his life and the only night they spent apart was when he was busted for cannabis use, yet when she died there he was marrying Heather Mills five minutes later. Although that did not end well!

I don't think anyone on this thread is castigating any couple for sharing hobbies - I am off to do one with dh tonight Smile (no, not that hobby!) . And I do prefer to go on holiday with dh as we are (mostly) very compatible. What is odd are those couples who foist their coupledom on everyone else when it is clearly inappropriate: turning up on hen days, joining the lads for a few beers (and then sitting there with a cats' bum face and a lime and lemonade) and then having the weirdness of thinking they have some sort of superior relationship.

AngeloMysterioso · 14/03/2019 15:54

Just because what I said is unpalatable doesn’t make it any less true.

The PP I replied to said she doesn’t want to spend time with anyone other than her partner. What exactly is her life going to consist of should there come a time that he isn’t around?

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 15:58

Angelo that's like saying don't dedicate your life to sport because eventually you'll be too old to play.

JacquesHammer · 14/03/2019 16:07

that's like saying don't dedicate your life to sport because eventually you'll be too old to play

But even people who play sport professionally have other interests.

I agree with a PP, whilst I wouldn’t have said it quite as bluntly, it’s a fair point.

Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 16:10

That's a ridiculous comparison Batmans.

A sport does not fulfil the same needs as a relationship.

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 16:12

What I'm saying is some people are more tunnel visioned with few interests that they dedicate themselves to fully, and others prefer a wider range of interests. Either is okay.

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 16:38

But how can neither of you have interests which the other doesn’t?

how much free time do you people have?!

DH and I love travelling, scuba diving, the same restaurants, , triathlons and trail running and martial arts. Even pre kids we didn't have time to do most of that! There's hardly enough hours in a day to fit most things in, and what little free time we have we prefer to spend together - or we go training on alternate nights if we haven't got a babysitter handy, but still doing the same thing.

Same with holidays, even pre-kids we had roughly a week away every 3 months and a few weekends here and there, but it's not like we are going away every week and have time to get bored of each other.

It would feel suffocating if neither of us was allowed to go anywhere on his own, but when it's a choice, what's the problem?

Ribbonsonabox · 14/03/2019 16:54

Different people want and get different things out of romantic relationships can we all just accept that? Some people consider their partner to also be their closest friend... some people dont want that they want different friends and they get different things from different people.
Some peoples relationships may be unhealthy but I think that can apply to any relationship not just people who are incredibly close to their partners or people who like to do a lot of separate activities... I dont think that actually has anything at all to do with the health of a relationship.
I'm someone who likes to do most things with my husband... we were close friends for ten years before we entered a romantic relationship and really do pretty much share all of our interests and friends... anything I enjoy he also enjoys and vice versa... the only exception being that he likes cricket more than I do! We also both want the same level of intimacy from a relationship... neither of us are people who would want to spend lots of time away from a partner doing separate activities.
I'm not some sort of fragile co dependant person and neither is he, we just love each other and this is how it works for us.
I get that that setup is not for everyone. And I know people in perfectly healthy, happy long term relationships who do have separate hobbies and do want to holiday apart.
That's just not for me though. And I dont think theres anything wrong with that at all. I think the main thing is that you and your partner are on the same page about how much you want to do or not do together.

Spiritinabody · 14/03/2019 17:04

My DH generally gets invited out by my friends too. He is often the token male. If I'm at one friend's house she normally sends me home with a goody bag for him.

One thing I always find strange is that, when we go out to pubs for meals with family, DS & BILs and DB & SIL always sit next to each other whereas we always sit away from each other. I don't understand the need for them to be sat by each other when they already spend so much time together.

IdaBWells · 14/03/2019 17:06

My DH would've probably done this with me if I wasn't more independent. He comes from a very enmeshed family who are very co-dependent and do absolutely everything together all the time. I didn't realise this when we got married and also respected DHs and my own boundaries. So he has grown to of course not feel like he has to be with a family member at all times. However, when some ILs visit or we see they they do "swarm" us and just seem incapable of independence. I think it terrifies them frankly. I don't mind it for a couple of days, otherwise it would be suffocating.