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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 13:04

It’s really gonna be shit for you if he dies of leaves you then, isn’t it?

charming.

It remind me of the advice given by a HV to a -very puzzled - new mum friend of mine with an exclusively BF baby "you'd better insist on him taking a bottle (of breast-milk) or how will he cope if you die"

But yes, it will be shit for some of us if our partner dies. If you think about it, we could even divorce now to soften the blow when that happens?

Vulpine · 14/03/2019 13:10

I don't confide in friends who I think may pass things on to their partners

JacquesHammer · 14/03/2019 13:20

I have no issue with couples who do everything together.

I do have an issue when their choices impact me.

SausageMashandOnionGravy · 14/03/2019 13:33

I find couples like this quite annoying, when they are stuck together. You invite one of them along to something and without asking they bring their partner too.

A good friend of mine has recently turned into one of these people but there's an added difficulty asking her to leave the partner behind! She broke up with her husband who she had been with for 14 years or so. When she was with her husband she had a good balance of doing things with him but also lots of things independently, we'd go away for girls weekends etc without our husbands and it was great. She's since got with a girl who she literally does everything with. So we (the group of close girlfriends) will arrange to do something together, weekend away, out for lunch whatever and she brings her girlfriend without prior warning. It's just a bit odd really as I'm not friends with this girl so if we go on a weekend away and want to chat about private things she's basically on my inner circle without me actually being friends with her. It changes the dynamic but I have to be ok with it because she's a girl! If it was a man you'd just say "oh we're having a girlie weekend, so you can't come" they just assume she can come too because well, she's a girl!

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 13:44

so what you're saying is that you can't enjoy experiences unless your DH is involved? I find that unhealthy.

I'd often rather be on my own or with DH, to be honest. I have a handful of friends but I still don't enjoy them as much as I enjoy DH.

How would you feel,BatmansBoxers, if your dh developed an interest in, say, model aeroplane flying and wanted to go away for the weekend with his group? Would you go along? Or tell him he couldn't? Or rather tell him it would beso much nicerif you went and did the shopping together instead? Or you'd bevery lonelywithout him?

I wouldn't be able to go because we have kids, but I wouldn't be happy just as I wouldn't go and do it to him either. I don't like people going away without their spouse - the money spent on that could be spent on us as a family.

Belenus · 14/03/2019 13:50

I didn’t realise til another similar thread that this was a thing-and that so many people thought that it was unreasonable to expect confidences to be kept confidential. I have to say, I think it was the most shocking thing i’ve learned from Mumsnet

My mum interprets "in confidence" to mean "only tell half a dozen of your closest friends". She has no concept of not telling my dad anything. She shares stuff with him without even realising she's done it. It did teach me a valuable lesson early on about what some people will share with others. Some people are just so wedded to their partners that they don't identify themselves as separate enough to realise that not everything is meant to be shared.

Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 13:58

Batmans if you would have that much of an issue with your DH having a hobby of his own, there's an insecurity there. That is not healthy.

Of course he has a responsibility to you and the kids, but as long as he's not spending an unreasonable amount of time or money on the hobby, there really shouldn't be an issue.

HarrysOwl · 14/03/2019 13:59

It’s really gonna be shit for you if he dies of leaves you then, isn’t it?

Lovely contribution.

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 14:02

Sakura neither of us have issues with a hobby. Both of us would have issues with weekends away without the other.

winsinbin · 14/03/2019 14:08

As posted above I do a lot of travelling and activities without my DH. Even so it will be pretty shit when he dies or if he leaves me.

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2019 14:10

I don't like people going away without their spouse - the money spent on that could be spent on us as a family.

Eeeek. Many, many people will have to throw away their golf clubs, bicycles, yoga mats, football season tickets, Starbucks loyalty card etc etc if doing anything that costs money outside the family is not approved .

Of course profligate spending on a hobby/oneself if it can't be afforded is wrong, but to have no life outside of the immediate family unit sounds awfully suffocating.

BitchQueen90 · 14/03/2019 14:11

BatmansBoxers I'm a single parent and sometimes go for weekends away without my child. Is that also wrong because I could have spent that money on something for both of us?

I find that attitude a bit odd. Technically anything you spend on yourself could be spent on the family instead - a coffee out, a haircut, etc. Do you never spend any money on just something for you?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/03/2019 14:13

Each to their own. We do lots together but also separately and that works for us. I do find it annoying when you can't have a night with the girls without one of the joined at the hips guys turning up. We do plenty with that group as couples, sometimes it's nice just to have the women - different dynamic

Bookworm4 · 14/03/2019 14:20

@batman
Why would you have an issue with your DP going away for a hobby without you? Or say to a stag do? Do you not trust him?

waterlego · 14/03/2019 14:22

My ILs are like this. They go everywhere together and don’t have any separate hobbies or friends. Which is their choice of course except they do in fact bicker an awful lot and I can’t help wondering if a bit of time to themselves one in a while could help. And when one of them inevitably croaks it, I think the loneliness might come as more of a shock than it would for a couple who have more varied and independent lives.

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 14:23

Why would you have an issue with your DP going away for a hobby without you? Or say to a stag do? Do you not trust him?

I trust him fine. It's just if he wants to spend cash going away overnight somewhere, he should be spending that on me and the kids. It's all a bit high school, these lads weekends and girls nights out. At least to me. Luckily he agrees, so it works for us

TheKitchenWitch · 14/03/2019 14:24

But don’t those of you who do everything together have any friends of your own? And how does it wirk with hobbies? Surely you can’t both always be interested in the exact same things? How is that even possible?

And i must say that going away with girlfriends (even if it’s just a day trip) is great fun and nothing at all like the wonderful experience of going away with DH/family.
You can do both, it doesn’t have to be either/or.

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 14:25

BitchQueen No, but it would be unfair if you were doing it in place of a family holiday?

I do spend money on myself but I'd always prioritise us as a unit over myself. DH does too. We see ourselves as a unit, a team, rather than room mates.

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2019 14:26

I think batman is mil back from the dead! Fil's leash was shorter than a watch strap.

Fil had an allotment and mil discovered (bil snitched) that rather than doggedly digging potatoes fil was sitting in his shed listening to the cricket. Mil stormed down there, confiscated the radio and cancelled the allotment. I posted earlier that she scuppered his attempts at belonging to a choir. They could only do things together .

TheKitchenWitch · 14/03/2019 14:26

BatmansBoxers is he allowed to have anything of his own which he doesn’t share with you and the kids?

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 14:28

Yes, both of us are "allowed" to have individual hobbies. We just don't want to go on holiday unless it's as a family. We aren't that weird, plenty of people have said similar

mma1978 · 14/03/2019 14:28

I will be honest, this really, really annoys me!

I went to a friends house to talk through some private things and her husband sat with us the whole time. So it was really awkward. The dynamic totally changed as I wasn't going to bear my soul in front of him. I knew she would tell him anyway, but by discussing it in front of him, meant I was open to hearing his opinion and I wasn't! So it was all a bit of chit chat and when I realised he wasn't going to leave us alone, I left. My friend did apologise the next day and said was mad he did that as she also expected him to leave us!

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2019 14:30

And so we have the "we're a team" and "we lurrrrve each other... more than anyone else" thing.

Reminds me of a thread where someone accused me of having a bad marriage because dh and I didn't go to the supermarket en famille, whereas they were "so in love" they couldn't be parted, even in Asda.

HarrysOwl · 14/03/2019 14:30

Surely you can’t both always be interested in the exact same things? How is that even possible?

DH & I must be the exception, then. Motorbikes, travelling, hiking; part of why we're so happy together (I'm pretty sure) is because we have so many shared interests. I couldn't marry someone I didn't have this much in common with.

My friends are too busy to travel, hate motorbikes and would never enjoy a 12-mile hike in the rain like I do; so I do these things with my DH. It's great

BitchQueen90 · 14/03/2019 14:33

BatmansBoxers I wouldn't do it in place of a family holiday. But it seems very rigid and controlling to say you should never have a weekend away as an individual because it should always be spent on the family. If any future partner of mine had that attitude I'd tell him to piss off to be honest!

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