Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 11:18

It would seem nasty to leave him at home and I wouldn't have as much fun, so I'd decline a "girls only" holiday

I can't understand this at all. I get that holidays with a partner can be more appealing, but to say it's nasty to go away with anyone else seems a bit extreme.

MondeoFan · 14/03/2019 11:21

My parents are like this always have been, my mum is extremely shy so I put it down to that. My mum has never had any friends but my dad has, they go everywhere together and do everything together. They are never apart. I think it's weird

Ragwort · 14/03/2019 11:48

so I'd decline a "girls only" holiday (which sounds awful actually). what's 'awful' about a girls only holiday? Hmm are you thinking of a crowd of 20 year olds going around in a gang, shrieking after a few lunch time cocktails and partying all night? Yes, that's not my idea of a holiday but my 'girls' holiday consists of me and 50 year old friend enjoying swimming and sunbathing, a little gentle walking or sight seeing, a few nice meals and in bed by 10pm with a good book Grin.

That sort of holiday would bore my active DH senseless so far better we holiday separately.

cantbearsed1 · 14/03/2019 11:49

This is like my sister and her DP. But my sister did not have any real friends before marrying either.

Ribbonsonabox · 14/03/2019 11:59

I'd decline a girls holiday too... my DH and I have very similar interests so I'd know that anything I did which I enjoyed he would be missing out on so it would seem nasty.
Some couples have differing interests so I do see why they might want to holiday separately.... but it's not for me.

Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 12:06

I just don't get how spending a few days away with your friends is 'nasty' to your partner. That thought would never occur to me or my OH thankfully. If he did raise an issue I'd worry why he felt so dependent on me that he can't manage for a few days on his own.

I recently went to Thailand for two weeks without him. He had no interest and I really wanted to go. He got a few comments about why he was 'letting me' go without him! I just find it odd.

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 12:08

most people who don't work together usually spend between 8 to 12 hours a day apart. I am not sure why it's so shocking they want to holiday together!

And even if they are always together, so what? Some women are joined at the hip with their mother, with their sister or cousins, why does it matter? Would you judge them too? some probably do Hmm
Some women need their mother around to give birth for example, others can't think of anything worst. Why should one choice be a proof of superiority?

I don't understand that constant need to look down at other people who make other choices than you. It's fine to have your own preference, but calling everybody else needy, suffocated, pathetic etc is totally unnecessary and says more about you than them.

Ribbonsonabox · 14/03/2019 12:10

@Sakura7 'he had no interest' well that's not nasty then is it? If he was really interested in Thailand it wouldve been quite nasty to go...

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/03/2019 12:10

My friend does this - she'll text saying "want to meet for a drink after work?" I'll go along and her OH will turn up.

She once brought him along to an international women's day event our friends had arranged. Poor bloke just sat in the corner looking a bit embarrassed.

Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 12:14

Ribbons - but even if it was a place he was interested in, how many men would want to tag along on a 'girls' holiday?

I very much enjoy holidays with my OH, I'm just saying I don't get how it's nasty to go away with friends occasionally.

Theracehorsedriver · 14/03/2019 12:22

I think it’s lovely to see couples who spend so much time together, doing things because they genuinely want to do everything together but in my experience with extended family and friends , they are rare as there has been very obvious codependency issues and/ or control issues and I’ve Also seen many cases of one partner having few or little friends and almost has to be minded under the presence of the couple being ‘ close and wanting to spend all their free time together’ .,as for a friend bringing a partner or husband or kids to a friends catch up for lunch / dinner/ drinks .... I’d cancel . I dont see my friends individually often enough for that dynamic so if we cannot talk privately and freely, I’d prefer to catch up on a phone until they are free.

MRex · 14/03/2019 12:30

@Sakura7 - because there are limited holidays we go on and if it's something I'd enjoy then he'd enjoy it too. Appreciate some people have very different interests from their partners, but that isn't the case for us. Saying "I'll go on holiday to do things you'd love, you stay home with DS" would be nasty. My friends can go on their own if they want a holiday, their wish to have me there wouldn't trump mine and DH's preference to go together.

FullOfJellyBeans · 14/03/2019 12:40

If I was retired and could go on 5 holidays a year I might go on a girl's holiday but usually I only get one or two and would prefer to go with DH and DC. We all work all day apart from each other when we have free time we like to spend lots of it together.

Sakura7 · 14/03/2019 12:41

Ok we'll agree to disagree, but I can't see how going on holiday with your friends, regardless of the activity, is nasty. Maybe if you were only going with them all the time and DH wasn't getting a look in, but that's generally not the case.

Ribbonsonabox · 14/03/2019 12:45

@FullOFJellyBeans exactly. When you've got a family you usually dont have either the budget or the time to go off on holiday several times a year... so if you go without your husband and you have shared interests he probably would be missing out.

Lungelady · 14/03/2019 12:46

I have holidays with dh, girlfriends and on my own. Works well for us.

snoutandab0ut · 14/03/2019 12:52

Sorry Sakura I meant the other poster. I completely agree with you

Tiptoetiptoetiptoe · 14/03/2019 12:54

There are two girls in a group of friends who do this.
In the first he’s the one who drives, so he’s her lift, so I can ALMOST understand it. He’s a nice enough guy anyway.
However in the other couple neither of them drive, and they both bum a lift off another friend to get there.
It’s all very strange, and he just sits there in silence ignoring us, even if we try to make conversation.

DH and I go most places together but not out with our own friends on days or nights out, why would we? It seems pointless.
I would t go on a ‘girls holiday’ though, mainly as they don’t do the things I like to do when away.

I would rather spend the money going with DH and DC on holiday, than doing something like lying on a sun lounger all day and drinking as they’d prefer.

AngeloMysterioso · 14/03/2019 12:56

It's not passing on to tell your partner in confidence! How weird not to tell your own partner if you wish.

I recently told a friend about my pregnancy in confidence, because I’d been having some worries and wanted to talk about them with someone who has had children. She and her DH are very good friends of ours and we’re also part of a larger group of friends who mostly went to uni together, but I asked her not to tell her DH because much as he’s a great guy, he can’t keep a secret for shit and DH and I aren’t ready for everyone else to know yet. It shouldn’t be taken as a given that everything you share with one half of a couple you’re also sharing with the other. I’m sure friends of mine would feel mortified and quite betrayed if I told my DH everything they ever confided in me with.

And I'm that couple.

He's my best mate and I dont particularly want to spend time with others.

It’s really gonna be shit for you if he dies of leaves you then, isn’t it?

I’d just hate for my existence to be so wrapped up in one other person. I love my DH more than anyone but we aren’t extensions of one another’s being. Some of my friendships are as important to me as my relationship with him- a lot of them were around long before he was, and will still be around if ever he isn’t.

winsinbin · 14/03/2019 12:58

My DH is very set in his ways. He works very long hours most of the year and when he gets time off he only ever wants to go on holiday to our second home in his country of origin. He has no interest in exploring less developed countries or seeing exotic wildlife or lying on a beach in an all inclusive resort. I no longer work and I want to see the world so as well as the second home holidays with him (where I cook, clean and launder just as I do in the U.K.) l also travel further afield by myself or with friends or other family members. DH is happy that I am satisfying my wander lust without dragging him out of his comfort zone and is content to fund my adventures and listen to my stories when I get home. He says he might travel more when he retires in a couple of years time, but I doubt it - he likes his own space too much.

It may not be a conventional arrangement. It certainly isn’t what I envisaged when we got married over 30 years ago, but it works for us.

PeggySuehadababy · 14/03/2019 12:59

@thedisorganisedmum

Agree. I think that when a person feels the need to call others needy, pathetic and insular just because they like to spend their time together, they must have some problems of their own and enjoy tearing others to pieces.

I love going on holiday with my family, but they must be so lucky to afford so many holidays with and without their DHs!

lovelygreenjumper · 14/03/2019 13:00

I have a friend who never every does anything without her DH. They are very proud of the fact that they have never spent a night apart in their 10 years of marriage. They even gave up their careers to run a business together so they were not apart during work hours. Even when a friend invited the female friend to go wedding dress shopping with her (she was bridesmaid) she brought her DH along.

The DH is also adamant that they will not have children (before they got together she always talked about wanting 2). From what he says it's quite clear that he does not want anyone else, even their own future DC, to come between them. As far as I can see they are very happy and I've no reason to think that there is anything untoward going on but it makes me feel uneasy- I do wonder how much of a say she really has.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2019 13:00

“It's not passing on to tell your partner in confidence! How weird not to tell your own partner if you wish.”
Of course it’s “passing on”. You shared a confidence with someone else. Which is unacceptable.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 13:01

We would tag along with each other for school run, trips to town, shops etc...not nights out or the doctors though unless we wanted each other there for the latter.

I don't see him much during the week so it's nice to potter around and chat.

winsinbin · 14/03/2019 13:02

OMG. Just seen that it’s not ‘passing on’ to tell your partner a friends secret in confidence. I have to disagree. If my friends tell me something and not DH, it’s because they only want me to know about it. If they wanted DH to know they would either tell him directly or ask me to pass it on.

Equally, if I tell a mate something private I would be very annoyed if they then chatted about it to their DH and wouldn’t confide in them again.