Couples who do absolutely everything together

[evaperonspoodle]

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

.... there she's sat in the car.... I meant.

My husband and I love spending time together. We even shop together because we like shopping on some occasions.

I'm still not bored by him and he's a very hands on dad who shares household chores. Before I met him Ioved to the UK completely alone and managed to build a life here, so I think people who talk about lack of independence have no idea what they are talking about.

Maybe we are needy and pathetic but I don't have to come on MN to moan about DH avoiding family activities and childcare and having no interest in family life.

You know OP, some people get married because they really like each other.

And yet you only need look on here at the threads where posters are unhappy about their partners spending what they feel should be their family time with their friends or even their extended families such as parents and it becomes very clear that although there appear to be women who feel that they are entitled to their own time the husbands should only be entitled to that on the women’s terms.

Any woman with a close relationship with their family would be told to LTB if the husband took issue with that, whereas if the husband gets on with the MIL still she (and he) need to realise that the partner is now their family and if the mil doesn’t get it they should go NC.

Very clear double standards.

I don’t see the problem with a DP/DH tagging along on a ‘girls day/weekend’ if she checked and everybody and they were fine with him being there either

But you put your friends in a really awkward position, and that’s very unfair! And I would wonder why anyone would think it was appropriate to even ask to bring your DH on a girls day/weekend, because to be honest the type of person to do this is also the type of person to take offence when everyone says no.

What would I do on holiday with friends though?

I find this a really strange comment. Surely if they're your friends you have some common interests or just enjoy spending time with them.

I cannot get my head around the idea that your OH is the only person you should go away with, and that it's somehow weird to go alone or with friends.

I need a bit of space to myself and would feel so suffocated in the relationships some PPs describe. It doesn't mean I don't love my OH though.

“I don’t see the problem with a DP/DH tagging along on a ‘girls day/weekend’ if she checked and everybody and they were fine with him being there either”
“Is it OK if Fred comes along on Wednesday night?”
“Er-I suppose so”
Ends call. Swears.

Sakura but I enjoy my DH more. A holiday with friends would just be an imitation.

Exactly. If someone had asked me, "Do you mind if Bill comes on Jenny's spa day?" I'd have said (tinkly laugh), "Oh, no, not at all!" When I actually spotted Bill there sitting hunched in his anorak at lunch whilst all the women were in bath robes it was WTF? Why was he there?

Agree with NoCauseRebel, I have seen countless threads over the years where a poster objects to her dh going out for a beer with friends or - heaven forbid - seeing his mother by himself. I would say in my experience of life I have seen more men on a short leash than women.

Sakura but I enjoy my DH more. A holiday with friends would just be an imitation.

Fair enough. But IMO it's important to maintain relationships with friends, as well as retaining your own identity, rather than being overly dependent on a partner for company.

Totally agree Irma!

The M and S bag carriers look like they wish they were back at work!

It’s odd to me and to many but some people are very insular, perhaps didn’t have many friends before they married so it’s their norm.

Some people are controlling too and they would also fall into this category

I would rather go on holiday with dh than friends but I wouldn't not go away with someone. And I certainly wouldn't feel it appropriate to take dh to a lunch/coffee where surely the whole point is to catch up with someone you don't normally go around with.

Cannot understand a man tagging along to a girls spa day. Or women who won't let their OH out of their sight, even to see family. It's very controlling.

Sakura that’s really sad you see spending time with friends as an ‘imitation’. It should be just as enjoyable, albeit in a different way, to spending time with a partner

BatmansBoxers so what you're saying is that you can't enjoy experiences unless your DH is involved? I find that unhealthy.

We used to be very much joined at the hip, but he then found a hobby he does a couple of times a week and I made some nice friends.

I have found it much healthier to have outside interests and social groups. I think the change made our marriage even stronger. I also look really forward to seeing him when we are apart. He is still my favourite person to spend time with but I also enjoy socialising with other people. Not that it happens often at the minute with work and study.

If my husband is off work then we spend the day together, if we're going the shops or getting the kids from school then we'll go together. We always socialise together too. Obviously we're not joined at the hip, but he's in work a lot so when we're together we make the most of it. The example in your OP does sound a bit extreme but it's their life.

snoutandab0ut - I don't, I was responding to BatmansBoxers (her comment to me was in bold). I have a very different view, as you'll see from what I wrote in response.

I think a problem is if one person does spread their wings a little. How would you feel, BatmansBoxers, if your dh developed an interest in, say, model aeroplane flying and wanted to go away for the weekend with his group? Would you go along? Or tell him he couldn't? Or rather tell him it would be so much nicer if you went and did the shopping together instead? Or you'd be very lonely without him?

I've known partners who have abandoned hobbies because it was too much hassle to go. Fil joined a choir. Mil managed to have a headache/funny turn/palpitations every Wednesday evening. She didn't need to outright ban his going to the choir, she just made it too darn difficult for him to bother going.

Two parents showing up when the school specifically asked for one or pushing to invite or just bringing along a spouse to events is thoughtless and inconsiderate. Partners coming along shouldn't be assumed. As a previous poster said, couples can spend their time as they wish, but it shouldn't be impacting others and obviously shouldn't be controlling.

Couples picking up and dropping off kids, I probably wouldn't think twice about. My spouse works nights purposefully to be able to be around for those sorts of things and while we tend to split it, we've done it together at times.

The medical one is something I've done with my spouse for years. I don't care if people think it makes me dependent or incapable or whatever, it's been the best way to manage my medical anxiety and it's significantly cut down the issues I've had with HCPs. I'm aware it can be a control tactic by some partners; however, in my experience that concern goes both ways as I've had more than one HCP who has asked anyone else to leave the room for x reason before abusing me. It was the last thing I heard from the HCPs before they raped me in a hospital when I was 18. I've now gotten to a point where I can do quick nurses' appointments at my GP with him in the waiting room, but 90%+ of the time it's just better with him in the room. Oddly, with our kids' appointments, HCPs never seem to make a comment with both of us being there, but if he takes them without me, most of the time I will get either a comment or directly asked why I wasn't there the next time I go and I hate that.

Personally, I do most fun things with my spouse and when our kids were small we were pretty much in each other's pockets for a wide range of reasons. I now regularly go on evenings out or day trips with friends and having that back in my life has been great, but that has also been hard to maintain with everyone being so time and energy crunched so I can see and have definitely lived where that one relationship is so nice and others can feel so difficult that it's just easier to enjoy that one and it makes it harder to keep and enjoy other ones.

Been married 35 yrs and love travelling with my DH but I also love city breaks which he hates. Do I never do this type of holiday or do I go on my own/with like minded friends? I'm afraid I go (and enjoy) I'm also planning a retirement trip to Seattle - he doesn't want to come. Fine - he''ll go somewhere that he's happy with that I wouldn't want to do. Doesn't mean we don't have a great marriage

When I'm in a relationship I like to have the chance to miss my partner. To get excited about seeing them. Not keen on too many daily texts/calls even about the minutiae of their day, would be off-putting to me would prefer to catch up meaningfully in the evening.

Couples' holidays are great, so are ones with friends, so are both? Depends.

I also dream of a solo holiday in the South of France.

The holiday discussion is interesting, my DH and I enjoy different types of holidays, I love beach holidays and he loves active, skiing type holidays. Over the years (30 ) we have had many ‘compromise’ holidays, some worked better than others but I have now got to the stage in life where I would just rather be honest, enjoy my beach holiday with a girlfriend, DH enjoys his skiing holidays with our DS or friends - everyone is happy.

I've travelled the world on my own, I'd much rather holiday with DH now I have him, we're basically ideal travel companions. It would seem nasty to leave him at home and I wouldn't have as much fun, so I'd decline a "girls only" holiday (which sounds awful actually). We do run errands together sometimes and perhaps spend a lot of time together. It's not an extreme case though, we probably have an evening apart each month (DS is small so we're mostly at home or with family the rest of the time) and we do plenty apart in the daytimes.

My mum goes to dad's doctor appointments now as he's useless at advocating for himself and explaining medication issues. Then he started going to hers for the same reason! It's all good, it works.

My GPs lived in each other's pockets. Nana outlived him by nearly 20 years and made lots of new friends; she would rather have had him around but was fine without him. There's a difference between being together and utterly dependent on each other, or being together but with the ability to be apart.

I know a good few widows who have become somewhat "merry" after the departure of their dh. Otoh some have sunk, eg my own dm who just waited to die too. To be fair she had a mass of issues and df was her prop.

All's fine, as long as both partners on board. The problems I have seen are when a) you are impacting on other people by never breaking the chain (including those prats who hold hands on the pavement and force you into the gutter!) and b) one of the pair is subtly or not so subtly preventing the other person from doing anything by themselves.

I also think it's sad when dcs never get one-on-one with a parent. Dh can honestly say that never in his whole life did he do anything with just his df. It just wasn't an option.