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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 14/03/2019 08:07

so people really dont socialise or see friends without their dhs?

blimey, thats not for me.

Vulpine · 14/03/2019 08:08

Yeah that's a bit eughww. Sometimes you just need a bit of privacy.

Vulpine · 14/03/2019 08:10

Wtf - you have lierally never had a conversation with someone about sex who you're not sleeping with, not even when you were younger

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 14/03/2019 08:15

@WFTisgoingoninmyhead remind me not to have a girls brunch with you.

There are definitely things you can say in a group of friends that you can't when a partner is there. It's not that secrets are being kept, it's just a totally different dynamic.

Don't these couples want to have new exciting independent experiences that they can then tell their spouse about? I love hearing my husband's funny retelling of a discussion he had with his mate or his take on a movie he saw without me. When you take time out of a relationship you come back to it with more to bring.

If you're in each other's pockets 24/7 how the hell do you ask about how their day was?

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 14/03/2019 08:17

Also when I catch up with girlfriends one on one they might want to vent about their work problem, share a failed IVF experience or a health concern, tell me their partner is mistreating them etc. all things they probably wouldn't have felt comfortable doing if my husband was there sipping a latte and listening in.

If you want close friendships you need to create space for them.

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 08:20

going on holidays without your partner isn’t about deliberately excluding them, it’s retaining independence and individual interests. I think it’s weirder that some people could never countenance going on holiday with friends only or alone when they’re in a relationship. You don’t stop being an individual just because you get married

What would I do on holiday with friends though? I like sightseeing. I get excited about history and art and the person I love sharing that with is my husband, and I hope children as they grow.

The only possible way I'd do a husbandless holiday is if say, I had a friend equally passionate about Roman history and he really didn't want to visit a particular place that I did. Or if he couldn't get time off and I wanted the kids to have a holiday, I'd take them myself. But otherwise, no.

snoutandab0ut · 14/03/2019 08:22

Totally agree Yesimstill. I’m noticing here there seems to be a split between people for whom a relationship is the centre of their world, and others for whom it’s one element of their life. Personally I think the latter is much healthier - relationships can break down, even those you think are for life. If you don’t prioritise friends as well, who’ll be there for you if that happens? As I said earlier, I’m striving to build a life full of things that fulfil me as an individual, and a relationship will have to fit around that, not the other way around

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2019 08:23

I definitely need space in a relationship. I really think the best balance is to have time on your own, time with friends and time with your partner. Its unrealistic to expect one person to fulfil all your emotional needs. I love my husband but he's not interested in everything I am and vice versa. He's going off to his friend's house on Saturday to drink lager and watch the six nations, I'm going to a comedy night with some girls on Friday. We're very happy though.

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 08:25

and haven't you ever wanted to talk to friends about your sex life, for example, without male friends, or friends DPs listening in???!

The gender of my friends doesn't matter for this but I suspect I'm in the minority here. I've spoken about sex with friends of either gender.

Vulpine · 14/03/2019 08:31

There are definitely some things I will not discuss if males are present

snoutandab0ut · 14/03/2019 08:34

Gotta agree with batman and vulpine on that one, I’ve always had friends of both sexes and to me there’s no difference in things I’d discuss with them, I don’t view them any differently. But women do have a much better empathy and understanding of relationship/man issues because it’s stuff that’s happened to them as well, so if for instance we’re discussing men and sex in my all-female group chat, the conversation will be different to if I was discussing sex with my guy mates. But yes, everyone needs space to talk about their partner/sex life away from their partner

NameChangeNugget · 14/03/2019 08:36

I think everyone will feel different about this depending on their circumstances and beliefs.
Some of the relationships people have posted about sound suffocating but, if it works for them, fair play

BatmansBoxers · 14/03/2019 08:40

I think for me I approach situations in a more stereotypically "male" manner (ugh I hate attributing things to people's gender but as people are talking about male and female friendship dynamics I don't know how else to put it) which is why I personally don't need large groups of female friends

Gwenhwyfar · 14/03/2019 08:41

"The gender of my friends doesn't matter for this but I suspect I'm in the minority here. I've spoken about sex with friends of either gender."

Me too. Some people I can talk to about personal things and some I can't. It doesn't depend on whether they're male or female.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/03/2019 08:43

"when I catch up with girlfriends one on one they might want to vent about their work problem, share a failed IVF experience or a health concern, tell me their partner is mistreating them etc. all things they probably wouldn't have felt comfortable doing if my husband was there sipping a latte and listening in. "

If your DH had become part of your friendship group earlier on, they probably would feel comfortable though. It's not just because he's a man, is it? It's because they don't know him as well as they know you.

cantbearsed1 · 14/03/2019 08:49

No I would not feel as comfortable talking to a friends DH about those kind of things.
I do have a couple who are friends who we only ever see as a couple. That is fine, but I am not as close to them and never will be as close to them, as friends who I see without their DP.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2019 08:51

“I would find it weird and unhealthy if you couldn't confide in your own partner.”

Oh, I hate and despise this attitude! You have absolutely no right to share someone else’s confidences with anyone!

cantbearsed1 · 14/03/2019 08:53

Bloody hell! I would not share confidences with anyone who automatically tells their partner. It is my confidence. It is not your decision who you share it with.
I have not told my DP for example that a friend had an abortion. Why do I have to tell him someone else's secret?

Ragwort · 14/03/2019 08:54

Agree with the PPs who mentioned the fact that some people like to see their relationship as the ‘centre of their life’. That’s fine if you are happy with it, and can honestly manage on your own when the time comes, but to me would be very unhealthy and suffocating.

I do not see my role as a wife and as a mother as the main focus of my life, I have been married 30 years but DH and I live very separate lives, with different interests, friends etc. I am not tied to my DC in that I need to be with them to be ‘happy’.

I am very self contained in that I enjoy my own company, I love my job (not a high powered ‘career’ Grin), I love my volunteering etc etc. I feel I live a ‘worthwhile’ life, can’t think of a better expression, but being a wife and mother is just a very small part of it. My dearest friend has an equally busy and varied life but will openly admit that since her children have left home she feels ‘useless and bereft’, and yes, she does (nearly) everything with her DH. I worry about how she will cope on her own.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2019 08:59

“Bloody hell! I would not share confidences with anyone who automatically tells their partner. It is my confidence. ”
I didn’t realise til another similar thread that this was a thing-and that so many people thought that it was unreasonable to expect confidences to be kept confidential. I have to say, I think it was the most shocking thing i’ve learned from Mumsnet...

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/03/2019 09:01

My sil is like this. I've stopped meeting my brother so much because of it. I even call him and she's commenting and answering things l say to him in the background.
I am usually on my own during the day when l meet him and it just completely altars the dynamic. It's almost like being interviewed if that makes sense with me sat on one side them on the other.
Mind you she was the OW so maybe that's why she keeps him on a tight leash as she's like this wherever he goes. But fgs you'd think he'd be fairly safe going for a coffee with his sister in broad daylight.

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2019 09:03

I think there are two types of "do everything together" couples.

One is the older type: think Hyacinth Bucket and husband (Richard). The husband is usually in the role of Parker (the chauffeur) and bag carrier. Usually spotted in M&S with dh sloping along with hands behind back as dw imperiously chooses outfits. Dh rarely allowed out alone as he has to be in constant attendance.

Other type is somewhat weirder and we have seen a few examples in thread! I know one couple (family) who are inseparable and this does impact on others. I went to a hen day at a spa and we were all in our bathrobes and the dh was sitting in his anorak in the lobby. It was quite uncomfortable. They come on the phone on speakerphone together. Again it's uncomfortable. If a meet-up has been suggested with only one of the pair included, it's a flat-out "no", even if it is with a sibling.

I go around with dh a lot, but I see my family by myself and I certainly don't want joint phone calls to all and sundry!

Damntheman · 14/03/2019 09:05

Bloody hell! I would not share confidences with anyone who automatically tells their partner. It is my confidence

Yes this. It isn't 'keeping things' from your partner to not automatically spill other peoples' private business. Any rational person would understand that their partner hadn't told a secret that wasn't theirs to share! Now keeping your OWN secrets from your partner? That's another thing entirely.

My friend tends to tell me if it's something I can tell my partner, if she doesn't tell me that then I don't tell him. It's really that simple.

IrmaFayLear · 14/03/2019 09:06

I get what you mean, Bahhhhhumbug about being "interviewed". Also with most women you get the odd gripe about a dh (well, often many gripes!) usually mostly quite trivial. There is no camaraderie when a couple is sitting there presenting a united front. Zero banter.

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/03/2019 09:13

Yes exactly Irma. We do go out as couples sometimes, it's not that l want to exclude her and l get she's family etc etc but every bloody time l arrive at the cafe or DB sometimes picks me up as he has to drive past our house to get to our town square, there's she's sat. I've even tried saying 'can you and me meet up for a chat DB' and still she rocks up too.