Couples who do absolutely everything together

[evaperonspoodle]

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

This was my parents. When my Dad died my Mum was completely lost. Apart from not knowing how to pay a bill or get money out of the cash point, she had no friends. Because all of their friends were mutual friends, and they faded away as she didn’t fit comfortably into their little groups.

Posted too soon! She did get some friends - as the husbands of the couples died off, they got back in touch with my Mum. A former neighbour took pity on her and sees her regularly, and she got back in touch with some friends from the days (30 years ago!) when she worked.

My brother is married to someone who refuses to let him out of her sight. It's 100% a control thing, it's a very abusive relationship as she completely controls/dictates who he can/can't speak to, be friends with, socialise with etc. She sits beside him and listens in on every phone call. He travels a lot for work (think quality control type of work) and she insists on going with him - heaven knows what the customers think! She doesn't believe he can be trusted - despite being married 15 years and no reason to suspect him of anything whatsoever...

Presumably some couples are happy with this sort of situation, but for others it's definitely about control.

i secretly judge.

i certainly dont think couples who go everywhere together love each other more than those who dont.

im going to meet my mates this morning for quick - if they brought their dhs along i wouldbe mystified.

There is a huge difference in choosing to spend holidays and nights out/in with your partner and being joined at the hip.
Nothing wrong in socialising or doing hobbies together, however if my oh insisted on accompanying me to a smear test and coming into the room, watching the nurse out their hands up my fanny I would find this weird behaviyor.
Likewise not being able to take your child to the dentist without your oh having to accompany you is odd. Never making a decision without your oh is odd.
Not being able to say whether you child can have medical treatment without first consulting your oh is just too much.
Having to take all your children plus oh with you to the shop because you have run out of milk is odd.
Your oh dragging along to hang around whilst you meet a good friend for coffee is too much.
Your oh replying to your personal messages.

Huge difference in wanting to spend your free time with your partner.

All of the above my ex Bil did.
Sil left him, said he was a violent controlling bully.

In my relationship it was definitely a covert way of controlling me. I thought it was sweet at first, then realised it was so he was always watching me.

so if I read some of the posts properly, you judge because you feel superior?

But when posters who prefer spending time with their partners reply and show you could be judged yourself, it suddenly doesn't feel so nice.

I still don't understand why you would think, let alone judge, the dynamics of other people's relationships. It's a big jump to go from couples doing everything together to a woman who doesn't know how to pay a bill, change a tire or a hang a curtain rail. What does it have anything to do with anything!

My ex's new wife is also like this.
Refuses point blanc to allow my ex to meet our dc without her, ever.
Also insisted they could only see him at her house, with her dc there.
Never allowed to visit if her dc were at their dads.
The cracks are being to show now.
My dc no longer visit him.
They don't want to see her.
He is regretting it now but the damage is done, dc can no longer tolerate all this nonsense.

In general I am very independent and will happily do most things on my own. But medical appointments are one thing where it can sometimes be useful to have a second person in the room with you (be that partner, sibling, friend), some doctors (not all) can be very dismissive and especially when you aren’t feeling well you don’t necessarily have the energy to advocate for yourself. Or at some appointments you are given a lot of information in a short space of time so it can be useful to have an extra pair of ears in the room/ someone to help you make sure you get answers to all the questions you have

I agree with you if you are going to see a consultant about a possible operation you may need.

But not if you're going to the GP for a repeat prescription or the dentist for a scale and polish!

And the having a joint Facebook account thing is just strange. Are you really not individuals anymore?

The was a biggish age gap between my mother and father. As my father got older I noticed that my mother started to do more things on her own. Trips away etc. I think she was trying to prepare herself for the inevitable. I used to know when she was away because my father used to ring me just to chat. I think he was lonely.

My father has gone now and my mother has coped extremely well. Outwardly, at least.

I desperately miss the phone calls.

"And couples who have joint emails - omfg"

Tends to be older people who don't use the Internet that much, doesn't it? Same as they have a join phone I suppose (land line).

It's funny that posters only see 2 options: joined at the hip or fun independent party-goer girly.

I would be more worried about a woman who is stuck home, sometimes with kids, and always left alone when her husband goes to meet his mates, go away for entire weekends and holidays. That seems the least healthy option, unless it's a choice and one is a very happy introvert whilst the other one an equally extrovert.

There are so many threads of posters feeling lonely, bored, left alone when the other one is either doing nothing or doing things without them. It's strange that the ones some look down at are the ones in happy and close relationships who prefer each other company.

"But I have lots of single friends and childless friends whom I get along with fine because they do not ask me to pretend I dont have a family for them. "

Yes, I think that understanding that your friend now comes as a package , at least some of the time, is part of growing up. One of my old friends has been with her DH for 20 years. Of course he's my friend too by now and I have no interest in segregating my friends by sex. I made this point on a recent thread where someone complained that a friend's DP didn't leave the room when she visited. I thought it would have been rude if he had left the room and I'm a very independent, permanently single person.

There's a big difference between people who socialise together and people really joined at the hip though. I'm finding this 'popping to the shop for 10 minutes together' quite interesting...

Batman going on holidays without your partner isn’t about deliberately excluding them, it’s retaining independence and individual interests. I think it’s weirder that some people could never countenance going on holiday with friends only or alone when they’re in a relationship. You don’t stop being an individual just because you get married

I haven't read the full thread, but I assume other posters have pointed out that this behaviour is a massive red flag for a controlling and coercive relationship.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I don't judge it, if it's making them happy then that's lovely. (that said I would stop inviting a friend to girl nights if she insisted on bringing her husband when specifically asked not to).

BUT I would worry. That level of co-dependency is not healthy. It's going to be a terrible shock when one of them dies and the other is suddenly alone without a personal support network who appreciates them for them rather than for part of a couple.

I think it’s weirder that some people could never countenance going on holiday with friends only or alone when they’re in a relationship.
why would I want to?
I don't do holidays on my own, it doesn't work for me. I am perfectly able to travel across the world on my own, I travel for work, I don't like it especially and see no point for a holiday.

I am still an individual with DH, but I prefer spending time with him. It's the person I am more comfortable with, we don't need to compromise for each other, we don't see each other that much during the year, why would I waste an opportunity to be with him?

I can't see why it's such a bizarre concept. We can still go on holiday with friends.

But @havingtochangeusernameagain how would you possibly know why someone else is there to see the gp or dentist?

I have friends who have joint emails who are not elderly. But yes i concede it may be something more common wirh the older generation. Still prefer to communicate with the person I want to communicate with without partner sniffing around.

But people wind me up when they demand you act like a single person

Nobody is expecting you to act like a single person, but bringing your DH to everything is stopping you being an independent person

What do these couples find to talk about anyway? I mean if you can’t even nip to the shop alone?

Anyway, I think that's the issue and why people find it a bit cringe, it is like a hark back to school days where kids went everywhere with their bff and were not mature enough to be independent.

I'd say girls nights out are more akin to school type friendships. Cliquey, exclusive and single gendered.

Whereas being married is more than bffs. It's sharing your life with someone. It's a best friend AND more.

when you read the posters miserable because their partner is suddenly home full time, redundancy, home business, or retirement and they realise they don't get on at all, I'd rather be happy I am getting on with mine. If one of us dies before the other, we'll deal with that then. It could happen this morning for all we know.

I have gone to the shops with DH, sometimes you want to have a chat out of earshot of the kids and you have a bit of privacy in the car for 10mn.

Reading the thread, I am very tempted to insist on DH going with me to school things every single time if it winds up some people so much

All these people 'going for petrol...' don't you just get petrol on your way somewhere?

And all those disparaging the female/ male only get togethers, you're being just as judgey as you think the OP is... and haven't you ever wanted to talk to friends about your sex life, for example, without male friends, or friends DPs listening in???!

and haven't you ever wanted to talk to friends about your sex life, for example, without male friends, or friends DPs listening in

NO - if I want to talk about my sex life I talk to the person I have sex with.