Couples who do absolutely everything together

[evaperonspoodle]

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

Why is going for petrol boring?
Who is it less boating for you or DH?

I mean it’s a 10 min task - surely any adult could manage this alone?

In general I am very independent and will happily do most things on my own. But medical appointments are one thing where it can sometimes be useful to have a second person in the room with you (be that partner, sibling, friend), some doctors (not all) can be very dismissive and especially when you aren’t feeling well you don’t necessarily have the energy to advocate for yourself. Or at some appointments you are given a lot of information in a short space of time so it can be useful to have an extra pair of ears in the room/ someone to help you make sure you get answers to all the questions you have.

"I've never really understood the whole 'girls night/guys night' thing. I've always had friends of both sexes, and like spending time with groups of both (even before meeting DH).

My mum is always saying how nice it is to get out with 'just the girls' and I smile and nod and really don't get it. How is excluding half the friendship group 'more fun'?

If I'm invited to women only things I wouldn't dream of bringing my DH, but I would probably avoid them most of the time."

This is what I don't like this thread. I completely agree that it's not ideal for couples to be joined at the hip, but only being able to socialise with people of your own sex is just as bad.

I'm single and I wouldn't go to a women only night out or holiday if that's something that was specified.

For all pps saying they hate women only events, firstly , but secondly it's not even about gender. It wouldn't matter if I was catching up with a male friend, or a mixed group - sometimes it's nice to get together just with the actual friends and not with partners.

I feel exactly the same with my mate who is lesbian. I like her wife but sometimes it's nice to get together with just my friend.

I have friends who do this and it can be infuriating. One very old friend in particular, we will arrange to meet with no mention of his husband but very often the DH will turn up anyway. He is very nice and it’s always good to see him but just once in a while it would be great to see my oldest friend (we’ve known each other since babyhood, so over 50 years) on his own just to reminisce and laugh over stories that only we understand. I do wonder if it’s a control thing and his husband is insisting on coming.

WTF - you are miffed that people who have no impact personally in your life want to spend their time together? You need a hobby. Who care about what makes others happy - are you unhappy?

It doesn't sound like such a happy relationship if you would want to go away without him.

God knows what you'd think of me. I'm off with some girlfriends abroad for 3 nights next month for no reason other than we want to have fun away from the kids. Then I'm at Center Parcs in August with my kids and friend and her kids. No DHs. Very healthy marriage, baffles me as to why you think only healthy marriages are those where couples spend all 365 days of the year together

Also, those of you who only socialise in couples - what happens if the couples split up? Are you one of these who dumps a friend once he or she becomes single?

Me and my husband do everything together We both work a lot and with the little free time we have we want to spend it together. We just have fun together and we don't enjoy stuff as much when the other one isn't there. I didn't realise this would annoy other people!

This thread has baffled me! I am joined at the hip to my DP even after 26 years. It works for us. Others i know do hardly anything together and it works for them.

Why on earth would how other couples conduct themselves be an issue for folk?

@anyonebut - not sure if OP is also not a native English speaker. But I am - and around here "miffed" means slightly annoyed or put out. For example if a co worker brought cake into the office and you planned to have some but by the time you got there - it had all already been eaten. In this scenario you would feel "a bit miffed". You wouldn't feel complete outrage because at the end of the day - it was a first come, first served basis and you happened to get there too late. But still - you would feel slightly annoyed or "a little bit miffed" you didn't get any cake as well.

Or if you enjoy watching the adverts at the beginning of movies in the cinema - you arrange to meet a friend there so you can watch the movie together. She arrives late - NOT so you are late for the movie itself - but just late enough to where you miss all the pre-movie adverts which you could have seen if you had been early. Of course you are not angry at your friend - as for all intents and purposes she actually did arrive on time for the movie which was the main point of meeting. .. But you are a "tiny bit miffed" you didn't get to see the pre-movie adverts too as this is something you enjoy.

In both examples - miffed definitely doesn't mean "bemused". Anyone using it in that manner is incorrect in my opinion.

I'm bemused when my toddler tells the banana off for going brown instead of being yellow like it's supposed to. I'm miffed when my toddler than refuses to eat the banana cake I spent ages making for him out of said brown banana.

I lost one of my best friends from school because of this shit. She started going out with a guy who was really intense and controlling, and I couldn't meet up with her without him being there. They would be all over each other the whole time, it was so uncomfortable and weird. They used to do this in front of her mum too.

I just stopped seeing her after a while. It's sad but it shows such a lack of respect for your friends to behave like that.

I find people who are the opposite more annoying.
My husband and I are not totally joined at the hip but we do enjoy socialising together if possible.
I'm a married woman with two young kids and my free time is limited.. i dont want to have to divide it up between my friends and my husband.. i want to be able to spend time with them all together!
Obviously I'd meet someone one on one if there was a specific reason like they were having a hard time and didnt want to see a group...
But people wind me up when they demand you act like a single person for them and if you dont then you're some sort of sell out shit friend.
I think if you cant cope with the changes in your friends lifestyle then you are the shit friend not them. If you are still demanding someone behave with you like they did when you were both in uni together or whatever.. when one of you is married with a family then it's you with the issue.
Luckily I've only really come across two people who've been like that with me. One had a heart to heart with me and apologised and the other sadly I dont have anything to do with any more.
But I have lots of single friends and childless friends whom I get along with fine because they do not ask me to pretend I dont have a family for them.

I think the middle ground is the best. Yes it's annoying when couples do absolutely everything together but I personally think it's even more annoying when single people get in a complete huff and refuse to have any understanding because your time is now limited when you have a family and you dont want to have to divide it up.

DH and I are like this to an extent. I go to the docs with him bc he has complex medical issues and I find it easier to receive information about referrals or medication changes first hand. He cannot drive so when I go out for fuel I usually take him with me otherwise he doesn't get out. We go for a coffee together too.

Not quite grasping what 'miffed' you OP, I do t have much interest in how others conduct their relationships.

I do feel quite sad that we could be the people you are judging though

For ten years, I never saw my friend without her DH. They seemed happy, never got a hint of a red flag from him, then she left him, he'd been emotionally and physically abusing her for years. The always being together was part of that.

I know a couple like this. Frankly I don't care what they do themselves. What I don't like is they have no respect or awareness of others personal space or down time.

They are a nightmare to spend an overnight stay with because they are joined at the hip so can't seem to comprehend not everyone is like them.

Me and DF go places together like the shops or to see my parents etc but we only really get to spend 2 full days a week together so we like to spend those 2 days with each other because he’s in work the rest of the week and am at home and he’s out the house for 11/12 hours so I only get to see him for 30 minutes in the morning and a couple of hours at night. If I was going on a night or meeting up with friends I go on my own they are my friends and he doesn’t need to be there. We aren’t joined at the hip just enjoy the time that we get together.

We do almost everything together. We like to be around each other. I don't have anyone I enjoy spending time with as much.

I'm another one who doesn't understand girls nights and boys nights.

We are not like this but find friendship groups too far the other way these days. I am often the one suggesting we make the odd night a mixed night after yet another “girls only” night out. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy them but want to socialise with dh there too sometimes.

My parents are a bit like this although they do do things apart they also do most things together. After almost 50 years of marriage I am glad that they still have a relationship where they are still happy to spend time together as a couple.

Personally I find the insistence of having to do things apart a bit odd. Too many couples essentially live separate lives these days and spend their time apart slagging off the other partner. As for girls/boys nights out and partner, or even child free holidays, nope, don’t get those at all. A night out with a group of friends without a partner is one thing, but one where you insist partners not be present is quite another. And I find the idea of holidays without your partner just weird. Why be married if you’re going to spend your free time with other people and deliberately exclude your partner? .

As for dr’s appointments, it can be very useful having a partner there if you have regular appointments etc, and while I attend my local GP alone I have a life limiting illness and I always attend my consultant appointments with my parents, because you can become so overwhelmed by all the information they give you that you forget half of it or forget what questions you wanted to ask etc etc. And my partner took a day off work to come to my GP with me last time actually because there was a chance the outcome would have led to a hospital admission. Feel free to judge.

Personally I find the insistence of having to do things apart a bit odd. Too many couples essentially live separate lives these days and spend their time apart slagging off the other partner. As for girls/boys nights out and partner, or even child free holidays, nope, don’t get those at all. A night out with a group of friends without a partner is one thing, but one where you insist partners not be present is quite another. And I find the idea of holidays without your partner just weird. Why be married if you’re going to spend your free time with other people and deliberately exclude your partner?

Yes I don't understand why you would marry someone you didn't enjoy spending time with either.

I do understand childfree holidays when kids are very young, if you like sightseeing or exploration holidays it can be hard to take small kids

I think the reason people find it odd, is because after school age people tend to grow out of having to do everything with their best friend. As adults it is outwith the norm to not wish to pop to the petrol station or the doctors without your best friend coming too.

As a pp said, if it was not your spouse, would you still feel the need to go everywhere with your bff, like at school?

As for not understanding single gender events, it's not about the gender, it's about socialising with your friends. I socialise with my female friends, as much as they are friends with my husband, it's a different relationship, and because of me, they are not independently his friends who would chose to go out with him alone, and his friends the same, and this is normal. We still socialise as couples.

Anyway, I think that's the issue and why people find it a bit cringe, it is like a hark back to school days where kids went everywhere with their bff and were not mature enough to be independent.

My ILs were like this - my FIL died two years ago and my MIL is lost. My FIL retired at 52 and so they had 15 years of doing absolutely everything together.
My MIL is finding that she doesn't even know what she likes/dislikes anymore. For example, she always drank coffee in the morning but has since decided she actually doesn't like it but it is what "we" did.
She has one friend - her neighbour of 40 years... she used to scoff that she went on holiday without her husband once a year (as they have different hobbies, he would go on his own holiday and they would have a holiday together) but who is she away with now?!? Even holidays, my FIL didn't like going abroad.... so they didn't go. My MIL has been abroad 5 times since he died.
In my opinion it is fine to be joined at the hip if you also don't lose your own identity. I have a friend who always brings her husband along or he turns up to meet her at the end of an evening - I don't actually mind as I get on well with him too and she is just the same if he is there or not. I know if I wanted to see her alone she would be fine with that too.

Ive been through all sorts of ups and downs in my life as im sure we all have and i can honestly say its my friendships with my female mates that have kept me sane and kept me going. In my life women have just generally been more empathetic, compassionate and fun. But I know that's not everyone s experience!