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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:
anniehm · 13/03/2019 21:53

I know, met them here and there, very alien to me- we both need our space!

emilybrontescorsett · 13/03/2019 21:54

I used to think it was sweet when an ex wanted to do everything with me.

He even bought us matching clothes!
Turns out he was extremely controlling.

Turned into a stalker when I ended things with him.

thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 21:55

context AlexaAmbidextra context

sweeping generalisation that if couples holiday apart then their relationship can’t be happy was a sarcastic reply to posters who are "miffed" or something that some of us don't want to spend holiday without our DH or DW.

I think the actual word was actually "pathetic".

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/03/2019 21:55

I know what I wrote, but again, don't twist my words and do not take them out of context.
If you tell me it's wrong not to spend holidays without my DH, I will reply that you can't have a happy relationship with yours if you don't want to spend time with him.

Disorganised. I have never once said that you are wrong for wanting to holiday with your DH. Nor have I said anything on this thread about my own personal holiday arrangements. I am not twisting your words or taking them out of context. Your statement is here for all to see no matter how you now try to spin it.

Itstartedinbarcelona · 13/03/2019 21:58

Whatwouldyou i do spend lots of time with DH and don’t see an issue with people who do, but that is really weird and ott

crimsonlake · 13/03/2019 22:01

I think the issue with a couple being so devoted to each other can eventually lead to isolation in later life if anything should happen to either partner. For this reason I do think couples need to have their own friends and support outside of the marriage as they could end up very much alone. You see this a lot when people divorce, suddenly people out of loneliness start to reconnect with friendships that they have let slide.

Tigresswoods · 13/03/2019 22:05

My Dbro & his girlfriend are like this. I think they just really like being together. They even now work at the same place. They use the excuse that she doesn't drive so they must work at the same venue on the same shifts. I think they do at least work in different departments but they said they stop by to say hello & lunch together.

Obviously it would be bad if something happened to one of them.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 13/03/2019 22:06

I do think you are unreasonable to be miffed if I'm honest because I can't see in general what it has to do with you

Granted on single events like a girls day out I would think you are in you're rights to be miffed on that occasion but in general no nothing to do with you

That said if I go by my own experience I was like that with Exdh...we did absolutely everything together ( bar him doing proper childcare of course Hmm) shopping etc and whilst it seemed fine at the time

My now DP and I have a much more equals relationship ,he genuinely has respect for me , almost always brings me to consult professionally as I have experience he doesn't but at home we happily do pur own thing

We will both say we are popping out and often neglect to mention where accidentally and it's fine , if we need to know the other is ok we ask , generally we assume both can handle whatever is thrown at us so get on with it and frankly it's so much more of a fulfilling relationship

So for me doing everything together wasn't right but ultimately if others want to do it then I can't see how that affects me in the slightest

Itstartedinbarcelona · 13/03/2019 22:08

If better stop enjoying time with DH then just in case he dies 🙄

thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 22:10

AlexaAmbidextra
it seems that sentence has struck a cord with you!
If you want to take things out of the context they were written, it's up to you.

Oblomov19 · 13/03/2019 22:11

Disorganised :

"so does that count?"

Errr yes it does!! ShockShockShock

You've completely contradicted yourself.

You do have friends. Your own friends. You do meet up with your friends. For coffee, for example. Without your Dh there. So you and your Dh are not joined at the hip. You do socialise independently. You do things on your own.

I'm very confused!!! Hmm

Ilovelblue · 13/03/2019 22:14

crimsonlake - the parents of one of my close friends did everything together, to the extent that most friends they may have had over the years fell by the wayside I think for this reason. The father died about 18 months ago and the mother has found it very difficult to make new friends and contacts. She's better than she was now but still complains to my friend that nobody really bothers with her much. I suppose too it makes a difference if you are a sociable type and are happy to "break into" other social groups if you understand what I mean.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 13/03/2019 22:17

I also completely understand that anything said in confidence to a friend can be repeated to her DH. It's kind of normal.

Just read this far and couldn't not post. Oh no. No no no no no. Some stuff I tell good friends (and vice versa) is absolutely only for them and I would be furious (as would they) if it got repeated to anyone else. And that definitely includes the DH.

I do work in a professional capacity where confidentiality is important so maybe I'm more aware than most but if someone told me something in confidence that is as far as it goes. My DH wouldn't give a monkeys what was going on in my friends lives much anyway, they are mostly not his friends!

snoutandab0ut · 13/03/2019 22:27

americandream what you just described, a couple who live together but do separate hobbies several days a week, sounds like my ideal. If I live with someone and see them every morning when I wake up and every evening when we go to bed, I’m going to prioritise doing my own thing tbh, because I can see my partner literally every time we’re in the house together. I’m not saying I’d never do things with just a partner but it would have to be a balance between my own independent stuff. Also, what about when you want to talk ABOUT your partner/relationship? How do you do that if you’re never without them?

thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 22:36

*Oblomov19
I am flattered you are that interested in my life Grin

I am not sure what's confusing?
I don't like to socialise on my own, go on holiday on my own, or even go to parties on my own, I really don't see the point. I like my DH company the most. That has nothing to do with holding a job, going on business trips without him, and not asking for authorisation to use the loo Hmm as a poster charmingly put it, being pathetic or being abused.
I prefer inviting friends around as couples to girls night out which I haven't done in years. I can handle the house by myself, I just don't want to.

We never have more to talk to each other than when we spend time together. It was the best time when we could do hobbies and sport together. A join interest can be a very positive thing.

Unless they are retired or have a business together, couples can't literally spend every second of every day together Grin

user1496701154 · 13/03/2019 22:38

Tbh I find it weird like the lad/lass is wiped by other it's so annoying. I like indpendence from my other half can't stand to be on top of each other. Am with you op on this

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/03/2019 22:43

AlexaAmbidextra, it seems that sentence has struck a cord with you!

Disorganised. Oh stop with the cod psychology. If you’re implying that I’m in a less than happy relationship you are barking completely up the wrong tree. The only thing that has struck a chord is you maligning others relationships because they aren’t the same as yours and then denying it. 🙇‍♀️

showmethegin · 13/03/2019 22:54

I'm pretty fine with being independent. Went travelling on my own to the other side of the world before we met, go to the theatre or cinema on my own sometimes etc but we do do quite a lot of mundane boring things together, supermarket shop, petrol etc. We don't need the other one there but we have a laugh together and some of my simplest pleasures are having a chat or singing in the car to the radio.

I think it's a good thing if you can turn banal life stuff into a nice time as let's face it life is full of boring bits! Different strokes for different folks though! (And for the record I wouldn't invite him to come out with the girls, my friendship group is mixed though anyway)

Rachel0Greep · 13/03/2019 22:56

Ex-colleague had a husband who was always just there.
Drove her to and from work, ( she could drive and she owned the car and paid for it). He rang her at regular intervals throughout the day. She was a powerhouse, could have run the company, without turning a hair, if called upon, IMO.

He was a leech who never worked a day in his life. Dead and gone now as it happens and she is doing fine.

No disrespect intended to anyone here. The thread just brought that to mind. I think it's healthy to have one's own space.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/03/2019 22:58

Call me cynical but I think couples who follow their OH into the doctors surgery and can't let them go alone on a girls night out smacks of controlling and coercive rather than crazy in love

bumblenbean · 13/03/2019 22:58

My friends threw me a small ‘baby shower’ which was sweet although not really my thing. One of my friends who seems to do everything with her DH brought him to that which was rather random ...

GunpowderGelatine · 13/03/2019 23:07

I don’t see the problem with a DP/DH tagging along on a ‘girls day/weekend’ if she checked and everybody and they were fine with him being there either

Even if they do ask it's a bit unfair because no one is going to say "actually I couldn't think of anything worse than having your beloved there". It's likely they say yes out of politeness

Vulpine · 13/03/2019 23:11

And couples who have joint emails - omfg

BlackPrism · 13/03/2019 23:17

Some of those are odd and some not tbh. I would go for petrol with DP so that it's less boring, and it's polite that both adults in the house greet you when you come to the building or would you prefer the old 'husband waves from computer room' greeting?

Other things are strange tbh

PregnantSea · 13/03/2019 23:26

I always joke that DH and I are joined at the hip, and we're very happy that way. Although if there was something specifically set up as a girly thing there's no way I'd bring DH. That's too far

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