To ask what's so great about private school

[ExtraPineappleExtraHam]

So my friend was privately educated, and so was her partner. They put their school aged children in a very prestigious private school but then had to take them out and move in with her parents. I don't quite know what happened but I think they overstretches themselves financially.
Now her two children are happily settled into the local state school but she still insists that she will be moving them back to private school in the future. My question is why would you decide to do this if you can't really afford to?
I was state school educated from a single parent family and went to a terrible primary school, but I have great memories. My friend and I actually do the same job, we are both admin assistants on a few quid more than minimum wage. I don't think that her private education has actually benefited her at all.
I tried to ask her what exactly she felt that a private education gave you that a state education didn't. She used the example of writers visiting the school, inspiring children to write and improve literacy. I have a creative writing degree, nothing would have prevented me from writing stories, it's all I've ever wanted to do since I learnt to write. My best friend has a 2:1 degree in Literature from Oxford, she also went to a state school in a 'deprived area' and was raised by a single mum.
I honestly don't understand what a private education gets you apart from possibly helping you to make contacts. It's certainly not more important than trying to buy your own home, in my eyes.
Fully expecting to get flamed.

OP, I think yours over-simplifying the private v state debate tbh. Anecdotal evidence is pointless really - we can all think of someone who went to private school and ended up on benefits or whatever. Similarly, the “Well I went to state school and got better GCSEs than my cousin who went to private” etc etc is all meaningless.

I feel like I’m stating the obvious here, but so much depends on your family background / support; attitude to education; confidence levels; area of the school; mental health - a whole host of factors really that contribute to us becoming who we are.

Some private schools are crap tbh, but I think the best thing about the ability to pay for private education is that it affords you a level of choice. If you don’t like the school, you take them out and find a new one.

There’s a hige difference between the London selectives schools where anything vaguely resembling a mediocre performance is regarded as failure, compared to some sleepy, country prep. When you say “private school” what do you mean? They vary enormously.

In London, simply being able to pay for an independent education does not mean you have choice or will actually get a place anywhere. The odds of a place are often 1 in 10. Super bright DC are rejected all the time. Even the so-called “back up schools” or “softer” options still have 4 or 5 applicants for every place. You can throw as much money as you like at any one of these schools, but if your child doesn’t get through the assessment processes, they won’t get in. This is why so many end up boarding, or families are pushed into the Home Counties to seek less competitive options.

If I lived in an area where the only differentiator was the ability to pay and you could pretty much waltz in to your local independent schools, I probably wouldn’t bother tbh. However, if it’s a difference between the local “outstanding” London comp which gets 20% A-A, or a host of local independents which achieve around 95% A-A, then you can see why parents and DC jump through all the hoops if they can afford it and are told their DC have a cat in hell’s chance of a place at one of these independent schools because the difference in standards and expectations really is startling.

I went to an excellent state school. It’s constantly (even many years on) still at the top of the area for results. I utterly fucking hated it. I was bullied so badly and was completely miserable throughout my secondary education. I excelled in one subject, and the teacher I had was controlling and abusive and ended up ripping my confidence away from me. In the end I walked away with pretty much nothing to show for it. The teachers were unsupportive. Some of the more clever hard working kids were the ones who made my life a complete misery. So I was left to drift and they were supported because in class they churned out the results.

My DH went to a school in the area that was more average. He left at 15, because his parents weren’t so interested in his education, and he’s only had one path in life he’s been able to follow and at times it’s been absolutely horrendous.

Local state secondary school in catchment to us is at the bottom of the league table every year. There are problems with drugs, fighting, teacher shortages, bullying and even weapons being taken in.

We don’t want our kids to go through any of that. We will sacrifice as much as we can to give them the opportunity to engage and benefit from the best education that we as their parents, are able and willing to give them do that they have a better start than either of us did. We aren’t in denial that private education can have its own issues. But I really couldn’t give a shit if anyone judges us for that descision!

For us we send our dd to private school for lots of reasons: smaller classes, more structured lessons (at 9 she has a very set timetable with specific teachers for French, PE, computing etc), better facilities (they all swim weekly from age 3, science labs etc), they’re far pushier academically than our local state primary (which I like) and there’s just no disruptive children.

I know the last isn’t the done thing to say but the discipline and child behaviour seems hugely different to state - I’ve lots of teacher friends and relatives and the stories I’ve heard are awful of children the same age as my dd swearing, throwing things, physically fighting etc. I know it’s a small minority of children and not all schools but I honestly have never heard of any of that kind of thing at dd’s single sex school.

we used private secondary as our dc struggled at the local outstanding comp ..mild SEN ...State school tried but did not have the resources for supporting the borderline kids...and it was all very stressful
Can't see the connections likely to make a difference as no fancy private school but the extra sport, smaller classes and teachers who are just able to be themselves rather than having to deal with constant disruption has led to a much much happier child...

I have two kids secondary age, one goes private and the other is in a state school. They both chose their school.

The private school has small classes and a great range of GCSE options. His learning is individualised. He is introverted, and there are lots of quiet places to pass lunch or break when he needs some downtime. The opportunities for independent learning and to follow his interests are excellent. This child wants some intellectual independence and found the social aspects of a big comp challenging. He was miserable in state school (years 7 and 8).

The state school is very good. There are fewer choices and less differentiation. This child wants to blend in and be in the middle of a big group. He hated open day at the private school.

Both children are very happy and both doing very well. We're lucky we can support them both, although my politics and budget would prefer them both in state.

We've just got a bursary for ds to start at a good private school in year 9

Pros: sport sport and more sport. Sport woven into his curriculum with a beady eye kept on his studies so he can combine the two to the highest level
Great facilities for sport
An individual timetable so that he can do his sport

Are you seeing a theme here

Cons: less local mates but hopefully he'll keep the ones he's already got

“I know the last isn’t the done thing to say but the discipline and child behaviour seems hugely different to state”
Of course it is-that’s not really a surprise. Private schools filter out kids who are likely to be disruptive.

Private schools filter out kids who are likely to be disruptive

You say that like it's a bad thing

“You say that like it's a bad thing”

I think it is. But then I don’t think my already super-privileged children need any more privilege......

Private schools filter out kids who are likely to be disruptive

Surely you mean some private schools?

DD’s prep didn’t, there were (and are) a number of children who would have been (or already had been) labelled as “disruptive”. What they also had was resources, facilities and staff to devote to these children.

All private schools select.

Yeah I've known a few very troubled and disruptive kids in private schools now I come to think of it. After a year or so of non stop sport, individual attention and high expectations they've done really well.

All private schools select

Financially? Sure
Academically? Don’t be daft!

They also filter out kids like my son who have additional needs. They claimed to accept intelligent, autistic children but failed to provide any reasonable adjustments (such as a quiet place to eat) as they couldn;t understand why he couldn't cope with the dining hall and they treated sensory overload as bad behaviour.

“But then I don’t think my already super-privileged children need any more privilege......”

I see your point Bertrand, but I don’t think simply being in a class with disruptive pupils makes you a more well- rounded individual. Why take the risk if you don’t have to?

I'm failing to see why kids regularly disrupting classes is in any way a good thing for the other children or the teachers.

I'm in Australia where we have way too many private schools per capita

Some people choose state vs private based on wanting their child to have what they had.

Some parents it's the opposite - they don't want their child to have the same experience they did. This one feels like it's a common theme for those who got into university despite their schooling and arrived there without a lot of assumed cultural knowledge.

We originally chose state, and had 3 unhappy children. The alternative state schools seemed unlikely to be better - so they moved to a still walking distance small private school. I presented them with 4 complicated children and while it isn't hip hooray and always supportive compared to what I'd likely have from the state system it is amazing. My girl would not be eligible for extra funding in the state system, she is supported in a number of different ways where she is.

My eldest won an academic scholarship for a mid-sized secondary that is also very local. Maybe one of the big state schools would have been ok, and he would have been picked out as needing lots of extension, but likely not. Unfortunately music, which is something that is important to us and a place he could excel is badly served at this school and none of the local state schools have invested in music at all.

I have 3 more children to find appropriate secondary schools for. I'm very nervous about finding a good fit for my second child, he has massive discrepancies between strengths and weaknesses and isn't going to be easy to fit. I expect we'll end up moving at least once with him. And then I have an autistic girl, and again, the huge local state schools just don't feel like they'll nurture at all.

I think we probably fall into the category of people who would prefer no holidays ever than no option of private education.

I find all this talk of going private due to wanting to avoid "disruptive" children/behaviour really interesting.
I went to private school and it's true, I can recall very few instances of a student openly being "disruptive" in class. But please don't fool yourselves into thinking that this means your DC won't be exposed to challenging or inappropriate behaviour from their peers. It's there, believe me, it's just not out in the open. I remember there were few physical fights but plenty of nastiness, racism and homophobia and sustained psychological bullying. Sexual harassment was absolutely rife at secondary level because the boys had this inbuilt sense of entitlement, these were young men who were used to getting what they wanted. Most of the kids were just clever enough to do these things out of sight and earshot of teachers, either that or the teachers ignored it I'm not sure which. Probably a mixture of both. As for drugs, surely people aren't so naive as to think they're only a problem in state schools? My experience and that of friends who were privately educated was that drugs were very easily available, probably 'better' (i.e stronger) drugs because the kids have more money! Cocaine particularly was plentiful at my school and as an adult, the kids I've worked with who went to private schools have certainly all experimented with drugs.

Yes I know you can thrive in state school Vulpine but like I said the ones in our local area are particularly “bad” so I don’t want to send my children there and take the risk.

Of course not all state schools are like this and all schools will have their issues whether state/private but in my area it’s blindingly obvious which route will give my children the best chance of success.

Dh went to private school and my dds did some years in private and some in state. Yes there are entitled brats at private school but I don't recognise the nastiness you have described minister
Fwiw dd now goes to state 6th form and went for a drink with mates at the weekend. She came home early because every single one of her group of friends was taking ket. To go to the pub.

And they went to single sex schools so sexual assault wasn't an issue. A boy has just been cautioned in dss state year 8 for sending dick pics however.

“And they went to single sex schools so sexual assault wasn't an issue. A boy has just been cautioned in dss state year 8 for sending dick pics however“

You genuinely think dick pics are a state school thing??

Of course not. But it's a purely personal response as it's never happened at any of the 6 private schools I've been involved with.

Anyway, I said why we went private - if you aren't interested then bog off.

But it's a purely personal response as it's never happened at any of the 6 private schools I've been involved with

Surely you know by now on these threads personal experiences only count if you're in the state sector, if you're in the private sector you're definitely wrong

Yes I should know, I was stupid enough to forget for a second. Silly me with my four kids at a mix of state and private, you'd think experience might count for something wouldn't you