I flipped out on DH and now I feel like the bad guy

[detoke]

Yesterday I flipped out and intended to throw DH out over a very VERY unreasonable falling out.

He had asked me to not do something earlier in the year which upset him cos I was an arse and I did it, I wanted to explain why I had done it but he didn't want to listen cos he was upset and ended up leaving the house.

I got angry because I felt he doesn't listen the first, second or third time after I tell him not to do stuff and he was BU for not realising I was human and that was my first mistake.

I got really, really angry.

I felt justified to lock him out when he went out of the house.

Initially I used to do the walking out and he scolded me that he didn't like it and I stopped, but then did it yesterday and it pissed me off!

He knocked for ages and I left him there and packed his things and told him he was BU and he needed to leave.

I finally came to my senses and I have been apologising that I overreacted but he seems so hurt that I did that and it keeps coming up over and over again.

The issue is soooo minor but ended up being a major problem

This is our first BIG fight in 7 years :(

I'm not sure what to do to make it up to him.

Help?

(Please be kind :/)

@7Pip After smoking it and going home,I was paranoid and thought somebody killed DD in her sleep. So I was crying and screaming :/ and it was awkward because she was in bed but I was too high to realise it.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thank you, I will make that suggestion :)

I have literally never known a person to react like that to smoking weed.

7Pip After smoking it and going home,I was paranoid and thought somebody killed DD in her sleep. So I was crying and screaming :/ and it was awkward because she was in bed but I was too high to realise it.

That's disgraceful behaviour with your child in the house. You're lucky he's "blaming" your friend. If that was my partner I wouldn't be blaming anyone other that them.

You're behaviour which obviously some does go on in front of your daughter is dreadful!

OP in the kindest possible way, that was not weed. Or not without some kind of additive anyway, your reaction sounds far more like one of those awful legal high things.

I don't blame him for being hacked off with you for it tbh.

Not entirely sure that was weed. Or maybe that wasn’t what caused the behaviour. There’s something very off here and it’s not the weed smoking friend.

Can you imagine if a woman come on her saying her husband did this on a night out and then came home screaming and crying with a three year old in the house.

@AnneOfCleanTables but he is a very good man anyway. I keep saying it because I don't want people to think I'm living with a psycho and not to sound insincere. People just keep coming out with he's controlling and all, he really isn't.
But thanks, I realise now that I think I just put up a stupid defence and overreacted instead. I will suggest counselling and see how it goes.

You want to ask yourself why your Friend can't respect your Daughter and not swear.

He is probably thinking that if you'd partly lie, what's to stop you having your DD around her.

My language would match anyone's, so would my eldest DD's, but we don't swear around my GC/DNs.

He's lost trust in you. You're going to have to build it back up.

Are you sure your Friend isn't creating her own problems? Do you have time for someone who has no respect for you and just needs to sort her life out?

@howwillwedeal none of it ever goes on in front of my daughter. We never fight in her presence or anything. Please don't be so pre-judgemental, that's not a fair statement.

@10IAR No idea what I smoked then as I assumed that was weed. Just that I was really paranoid after that night out.

"Can you imagine if a woman come on her saying her husband did this on a night out and then came home screaming and crying with a three year old in the house."

She'd get lots of, "phone the Police and don't let him back in".

It's also often considered OK to tell your DH what Friends and especially family they can't see, or let in the house.

@Birdsgottafly hence why I feel I really ruined this one and I need to know what to do to make it up.

I was very irrational in my actions and I understand how much trust he has lost. I'm just confused on what to do

"none of it ever goes on in front of my daughter. We never fight in her presence or anything. Please don't be so pre-judgemental, that's not a fair statement"

That is a fair statement. Children pick up on things.

Seeing the pair of you never engaging in conflict resolution, is damaging as well.

Honestly. I think you would be far better being on your own until you learn to stand up to “friends” who offer you drugs and learn not to get into such ridiculous and OTT arguments. This is so unhealthy.

Do you just apologise, or do you admit what you did i.e breaking his trust?

Couple Counselling might be the way to go.

@detoke - that is some amazing weed if it had that effect, like your user name btw

I have to say, if she's causing this much of an issue and won't tone down her language in front of your DD and gives you something that makes you behave completely out of character I'm not entirely sure why you want to be her friend?

It sounds like both of you need to work on communication, and trust. I really hope it works out for you.

I'd ditch her though. Not because of your partner, but because she doesn't sound like much of a friend!

To be fair to the OP, there are some extreme posts on MN that always begin by by advising someone to kick the bastard out. Most reasonable posters know that is against the law. You cannot just decide to kick out someone unless it is your house.
I worry sometimes that impressionable posters might get the false impression that it is legal for any female poster to kick out her partner as a punishment for any reason. It clearly illegal. It is one of the dangers of MN that totally fabricated falsehoods are widely circulated.
MN can be wrong. Always check facts before acting on impulse.

She was not at home when this happened btw, shes been with my mum since Thursday.
We have little arguments, as expected but we try to squash it instantly, that's why this issue is just beyond me and Im confused.

I think you start out with an apology. Then I think you need solo counselling before attempting couples counselling – there's so much going on here and I think you need to untangle your own behaviour before attempting to solve your communication problem with your partner.

Honestly from the OP I thought you'd both be teenagers. Apologise for locking him out. Get a therapist. Work on your boundaries and impulse control.

owwillwedeal none of it ever goes on in front of my daughter. We never fight in her presence or anything. Please don't be so pre-judgemental, that's not a fair statement.

By your own admission the drug incident was when your daughter was there?

I quite frankly don't believe she sees non of you storming out, him storming out, locking him out, arguing over friends, over reactions blah blah, you are kidding yourself and potentially damaging your child.

@Birdsgottafly She was not at home when this happened btw, shes been with my mum since Thursday.
We have little arguments, as expected but we try to squash it instantly, that's why this issue is just beyond me and Im confused..
I admit that I was BU like in my original post, I admit I was very petty and just want to make it up really.

To be honest if I were him I'd be thinking very seriously about what resolution I want.....

Give him time, he may come round.

I'd also be ditching the "friend" not because OH wants it but because she sounds like hard work and trouble. Not what I call a friend at all!!

"But I felt he was BU because he would not listen and she had a serious issue to deal with and called me for advice out of the blue and she's usually a very happy girl so I was concerned hence why I also flipped out."

That's because HE WAS BEING UNREASONABLE! He doesn't get to dictate your relationships with other people to that level of detail. You should be free to help whomever you want to help.

@howwillwedeal like I said in previous posts, the whole walking out issue was when we first started dating, he said it was not a good way to confront issues and that we need to sit and talk about things, which we do now up until yesterday.
The drug incident was on a night out, I was meant to spend the night at my friend's but seeing that I was fine, I went home and that's when the hallucination/paranoia kicked in.