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AIBU?

I flipped out on DH and now I feel like the bad guy

143 replies

detoke · 11/03/2019 12:41

Yesterday I flipped out and intended to throw DH out over a very VERY unreasonable falling out.

He had asked me to not do something earlier in the year which upset him cos I was an arse and I did it, I wanted to explain why I had done it but he didn't want to listen cos he was upset and ended up leaving the house.

I got angry because I felt he doesn't listen the first, second or third time after I tell him not to do stuff and he was BU for not realising I was human and that was my first mistake.

I got really, really angry.

I felt justified to lock him out when he went out of the house.

Initially I used to do the walking out and he scolded me that he didn't like it and I stopped, but then did it yesterday and it pissed me off!

He knocked for ages and I left him there and packed his things and told him he was BU and he needed to leave.

I finally came to my senses and I have been apologising that I overreacted but he seems so hurt that I did that and it keeps coming up over and over again.

The issue is soooo minor but ended up being a major problem

This is our first BIG fight in 7 years :(

I'm not sure what to do to make it up to him.

Help?

(Please be kind :/)

OP posts:

Report

detoke · 11/03/2019 14:37

@CabbageHippy never again lol thanks :)

OP posts:

7Pip · 11/03/2019 14:40

Well to make it up to him, apologise again for locking him out. Say that you will maybe attend anger management.
You don't happen to have any diagnosis by any chance?

Haffiana · 11/03/2019 14:41

OP your story makes no sense. I think you are mixing up what happened with what you would like us to think happened. Do you have a habit of rehashing events in your mind so that they fit a 'nicer' storyline?

Have you ever tried sitting down with your partner and having an actual rational adult discussion? Or do you believe that avoiding this at all costs is how to behave?

What do you think that we should advise you?

7Pip · 11/03/2019 14:42

I'd say he is reasonable in his request that you don't associate with this friend btw.
You can of course decide to continue with the friendship and take the consequences of that, but a friend who gives you something that makes you hallucinate essentially, isn't someone I'd personally be choosing over my partner.

Wild123 · 11/03/2019 14:43

I think you both completely over-reacted.

You promised to keep your distance not never to talk to her again and by the sounds of it you have done exactly that. She called you for some advise and help and as any nice person would do you picked up the phone listened and gave advise.

I honestly don't see why he has a problem with that. She's not in your home, you are not out with her, it was just a phone call and you can speak to who ever the hell you want to.

It look dodgy because you put the phone straight done following his entrance. You should of carried on your conversation whilst he was there and he could have heard that you were only listening and giving advise.

I think you need to admit you were wrong in your reaction and apologise for that BUT also have a think about letting him have control over you can even talk to.

I know my OH doesn't like a few of my friends so i keep them apart as much as possible but he would NEVER tell me i cannot see or speak to them.

7Pip · 11/03/2019 14:47

@Wild123 If my DH's friend gave him something to smoke which resulted in him coming home hallucinating in my child's bedroom (probably petrifying the child in the process), I would absolutely give him an ultimatum that he couldn't see this friend again or associate in any way. If I then found him furtively in contact with this friend and hanging up when I walked in, you bet your ass he'd get an earful!

Waveysnail · 11/03/2019 14:50

I'm guessing things have been simmering for a while over small stuff. Perhaps would be sensible for some relationship counselling

7Pip · 11/03/2019 14:50

And if he then had the audacity to lock me out of my house, I'd be apoplectic with rage!!
Then again, I'm not the most mild mannered of individuals. I'm scared of drugs and how they affect people sometimes (a chilled out dope smoker I'd have no problem with), and if he was endangering my child, yes, it would bring out the crazies in me.

7Pip · 11/03/2019 14:51

So in short, I'm with the OH on this one.

detoke · 11/03/2019 14:51

@Haffiana wow. Im sure you came here, read the original post, not the replies and based your judgement off that. I've been admitting I am at fault..what part of that did you not see? how does that even come off as rehearsed when the WHOLE POST was not in my favour to begin with? all I came to do was ask what to do to make it up to him and if you actually dont have anything to say to that, then I beg you, keep it to yourself please :)

@7Pip thank you, I will control my temperament. I try to avoid issues because I know myself to handle them poorly. Thanks for the advice :)

OP posts:

Wild123 · 11/03/2019 14:52

@7Pip i understand what you are saying but it wasn't the friends fault that the OP took the drugs it was HER own fault.. For sure she should be TOLD never to use again but to say she can't see or speak to the person she took the smoke from one time is a bit OTT in my opinion!

howwillwedeal · 11/03/2019 14:52

@7Pip I'm with you, if OP was male he'd be told to 100% drop the mate, put his family first.

7Pip · 11/03/2019 14:53

It probably is OTT to some people, but to some people it would be a deal breaker.

tiredandold · 11/03/2019 14:55

You need to grow the hell up.

detoke · 11/03/2019 14:55

@7Pip I didnt even go to her bedroom, I was in the living room paranoid that the happenings happened some weeks ago. But she was in bed, I think the fact that the thought came to mind had terrified DH a lot.

@Wild123 It was terrible that I put the phone down, I did it out of reflex :/ it just happened that he walked in, I put it down immediately and he was not happy about it. I did say she was the one I was on the phone with but I had already put the phone down and that made me look stupidly suspicious :(

OP posts:

detoke · 11/03/2019 14:58

@tiredandold I agree! :( I was too childish!

OP posts:

7Pip · 11/03/2019 15:01

Well you can both have a chance to sit down and talk this evening. I would suggest anger management for you though. You can't treat someone like that when he is probably scared/concerned/suspicious as you say.

Crabbyandproudofit · 11/03/2019 15:31

I agree that you need to apologise for what you have done wrong - locking him out of the house. Don't try to qualify your apology with "but you do......"

Get some counselling/anger management training. You have said several times that you try to avoid confrontation but you need to BOTH learn how to disagree, without it turning into this kind of drama. There is no harm in having different points of view but you need to listen to each other, talk calmly and respect the other's opinion. You also need to decide how you will proceed if you can't reach a compromise. You won't learn these skills if you carry on over-reacting at the least sign of trouble eg when he said he didn't like your friend you shouldn't have promised that you would have nothing more to do with her but perhaps agreed that you had behaved stupidly around her and discussed how/when you would have contact with her in the future. You didn't have that discussion because you were afraid of having a (possibly) difficult conversation but you can learn how to do this, if you both want to.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 11/03/2019 15:39

YABU. You have behaved despicably and treated your partner awfully. You are lucky he hasn’t left you long before now and if I was advising him I would suggest left you.

You may be trying to deny it, but children pick up on behaviours and atmospheres, so she will have noticed.

detoke · 11/03/2019 15:46

@Crabbyandproudofit thank you very much! I guess you are right. We talked just before and he says he has forgiven me and I promised it wont happen again. I will sit him down and talk about how to go about issues that cant be resolved instead of shying away.

Thanks again

OP posts:

Aridane · 11/03/2019 15:51

I) a heartfelt apology to DH

2) get counselling / whatever for yourself (not couples counselling)

3) arrange a weekend away or special meal (with FD looked after elsewhere- ie so it’s just the two of you)

Aridane · 11/03/2019 15:52

Cross post!

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QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 16:21

Am I the only one thinking the op actually smoked spice rather than a bit of weed?
If so and my dh did that he'd get a rollicking from me and I'd be seriously unimpressed if he continued to see them. And he'd do the same to me.

Really sounds like the pair of you need to grow up quite quickly.

7Pip · 11/03/2019 16:28

Now that you mention it, yes, a friend of mine inadvertently smoked spice and went completely paranoid and dulally for hours. She was properly terrified - rang me in a state convinced she was gone mad. Awful drug that!

BlackPrism · 11/03/2019 17:12

This is so weird, I understand being angry and maybe even locking the door for 10 mins and then realising you're being a twat but it sounds like such a drama... you're 28/29 can't you both grow up and get over it?
You sound 16 with all the whinging and over dramatic 'it's all my fault I'm horrible' shit.

Just sit down, have a calm conversation and move on

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