I flipped out on DH and now I feel like the bad guy

[detoke]

Yesterday I flipped out and intended to throw DH out over a very VERY unreasonable falling out.

He had asked me to not do something earlier in the year which upset him cos I was an arse and I did it, I wanted to explain why I had done it but he didn't want to listen cos he was upset and ended up leaving the house.

I got angry because I felt he doesn't listen the first, second or third time after I tell him not to do stuff and he was BU for not realising I was human and that was my first mistake.

I got really, really angry.

I felt justified to lock him out when he went out of the house.

Initially I used to do the walking out and he scolded me that he didn't like it and I stopped, but then did it yesterday and it pissed me off!

He knocked for ages and I left him there and packed his things and told him he was BU and he needed to leave.

I finally came to my senses and I have been apologising that I overreacted but he seems so hurt that I did that and it keeps coming up over and over again.

The issue is soooo minor but ended up being a major problem

This is our first BIG fight in 7 years :(

I'm not sure what to do to make it up to him.

Help?

(Please be kind :/)

[carrotflinger]

Why won't you tell us what behaviours resulting from contact with your friend your partner doesn't like?
Several people have asked and you are ignoring the questions.

It would help to know why your DP doesn't want you associating with your friend and therefore to have some idea why he walked out because you had been in contact with her.
Amazing men don't stop you seeing your friends unless there is a damn good reason eg. you are a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and every time you go out with said friend you end up relapsing.... something like that would be a reason.

I think the whole thing sounds pathetic. You sounded like a couple of teenagers and then it turns out you are 28 and 29.

[detoke]

@Wolfiefan ok basically she's someone that is always smoking weed but is a very lively girl.
One day on a night out with her I smoked it too ( was my first time, Im not a smoker at all and I had asthma) and I went home and acted out due to the high.
DH was not happy about it at all because he was the one that had to deal with me and since was not comfortable around her.
She's someone that is quite care-free and swears around DD quite a bit and he feels its cool that she cannot control herself around kids.

[adaline]

His behaviour around your friend is not great, unless you're about to unleash a huge drip feed about her actions that we don't know about.

But, why agree not to talk to her if you have no intention of doing so? I would never drop a friend for a partner, but equally I would never lie to him and pretend I had. Of course he's pissed off, he thought you were doing one thing and you were going behind his back and doing another.

But none of that excuses your behaviour. He's upset, you've packed his stuff and kicked him out. If I were him, I would think you were overreacting because you were guilty of something!

[detoke]

@carrotflinger sorry I'm at work so I can only see some messages I have responded to the question.

[Wolfiefan]

So she’s such a bad influence that you can’t even talk to her on the phone?
You sound like you have huge impulse control issues. You’re not acting like a rational person at all. I can’t understand why you hung up or what all these arguments are about.
It’s all a bit JK TBH.

[Gina2012]

I don't control him, he doesn't control me :( I have no idea why I flipped

He DOES control you - he wants to tell you not to see your friend

[howwillwedeal]

You acted out are you 14?

[detoke]

@Wolfiefan "technique" was a bad use of language.

I mean with anybody at all, I exit before an argument starts usually. He did not like that about me, he says it's avoiding confrontation and I should be able to sit and talk it out, which we started doing.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

My husband was a cheating twat - at no point did I lock him him out of the house! You need to sort things out.....

[outpinked]

Very odd.

He can’t tell you who to be friends with and telling you a friend is ‘influencing your behaviour’ makes him sound like your Dad rather than husband...

Equally you can’t lock him out of his own home unless he’s a danger to you in some way which he wasn’t.

You both need to grow up I think.

[downcasteyes]

Oh my God, you're a GROWN WOMAN and you can talk to whoever the fuck you like on the phone! Having a friend call you upset is a totally different situation from a social call, or a drunken get-together, or whatever. Unless you are bi and have cheated with her, has really no right to forbid you to speak to her under any circumstances whatsover.

[IvanaPee]

You “acted out” because you smoked a joint?

[Wolfiefan]

Grown assed adults generally don’t bicker like kids. This whole relationship is so beyond U.

[detoke]

Please guys I am looking for a way to sort it out and how to show him im sorry not to be attacked lol.

I understand what y'all are saying but it seems that some people are drawing conclusions too quick. I can be very petty sometimes unfortunately but we all have our weaknesses.

My DH is an amazing person and he was not the one who said I should not talk to her, all he said was he was not comfortable with her and I was the one who promised I would keep my distance which I did for about 6 months but only 2 days ago we started talking again and he was not happy about it because he thinks I lied to him about keeping my distance thats all that happened.

[loobyloo1234]

You smoked weed once? And now you can't be friends with her?

Your DH sounds like a drip. But you shouldn't have locked him out

[downcasteyes]

"He can’t tell you who to be friends with and telling you a friend is ‘influencing your behaviour’ makes him sound like your Dad rather than husband... "

I know a couple who are like this, though. She likes a drink out with friends on the odd occasion (she is very, very far from being a party girl - she's really quite square, but she occasionally likes to go out, a few times a year). Sometimes she has a bit too much and then does the usual thing of waking up the next morning, groaning, and saying 'I'll never do that again'. Her wanker DH takes this as a sign that she doesn't actually want to go out (she does) and that he ought to stop her doing it in future. He's actually really controlling.

[Wolfiefan]

That’s all that happened?
Except it didn’t. He says you can’t speak to your friend. You locked him out and packed his stuff for him. Completely batshit.

[detoke]

@MaMaMaMySharona finally! someone that actually understands what I'm saying :/ phew
Thank you

[adaline]

I don't understand why you locked him out over this? Are you sure there's not something else going on here?

I mean, if I came home and DH was talking to someone I didn't like, and he hung up, flipped out and kicked me out I'd be wondering what the fuck he was hiding.

[AnneOfCleanTables]

Considering how you reacted, he probably thinks you've progressed from weed to something else. Your behaviour was so ott. And you keep saying he thought you'd lied about staying away from her but you hadn't . . . you did lie. You've been speaking to her for 2 days.
If you think it's ok for her to swear around your DCs and smoke weed then have that discussion with your DH. You may have stopped walking out of rooms but you're still avoiding discussion/arguments and that's impossible to manage in a relationship.
I think you should suggest relationship counselling. You've broken his trust. Both with the phone call and by locking him out of his home. You need to grow up and drop all the 'he's amazing!' It makes you sound insincere. If someone thinks they have an amazing partner, they don't lock them out of the house.

[Mixedupmummy]

keeping your distance doesn't mean not talking to her at all. just seeing her less, maybe not going out in the evening with her smoking if that's what caused the issue. fwiw I think it is controlling to get annoyed with you because of who you speak to.

however to make up I think you need to apologise unreservedly. if he doesn't accept your apology after a short cooling off period, it would be another red flag to me for controlling behaviour.

assuming he accepts your apology I would then try to speak about the other issues this argument has raised at a later date when things have settled down.

[10IAR]

I wouldn't want someone stoned and swearing around my kids either.

Nor would I want my partner to lie to me, especially since you've said he didn't tell you not to speak to her, but you acted very oddly when he found you on the phone with her.

Why lie? It's such an odd thing to lie about.

Work on communication and ffs don't pack his stuff and lock him out again, that's ridiculous.

[7Pip]

What exactly did you 'act out' when you were stoned?

[detoke]

@downcasteyes No Im not Bi nor have I cheated with her.

He actually stated his concerns really calmly and said he didn't feel comfortable with her around and that when she comes round he would have to take DD out as she swears a lot around DD who's 3 and he didn't want her to pick up bad words.
He never stopped me from talking to her, I just stopped myself as I also felt I started swearing a lot too.
I understood why he said it hence why I kept my distance.
But I felt he was BU because he would not listen and she had a serious issue to deal with and called me for advice out of the blue and she's usually a very happy girl so I was concerned hence why I also flipped out.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I think you both over-reacted.

He felt I had lied to him and did not keep my distance at all but that was not the case


You said you'd keep your distance from her. This is a very different thing to promising never to speak to her again. It was a phone call, not an all night sesh in the pub.

But yes, you totally over-reacted too.

Maybe suggest couples counselling to improve the communication between you both?