I flipped out on DH and now I feel like the bad guy

[detoke]

Yesterday I flipped out and intended to throw DH out over a very VERY unreasonable falling out.

He had asked me to not do something earlier in the year which upset him cos I was an arse and I did it, I wanted to explain why I had done it but he didn't want to listen cos he was upset and ended up leaving the house.

I got angry because I felt he doesn't listen the first, second or third time after I tell him not to do stuff and he was BU for not realising I was human and that was my first mistake.

I got really, really angry.

I felt justified to lock him out when he went out of the house.

Initially I used to do the walking out and he scolded me that he didn't like it and I stopped, but then did it yesterday and it pissed me off!

He knocked for ages and I left him there and packed his things and told him he was BU and he needed to leave.

I finally came to my senses and I have been apologising that I overreacted but he seems so hurt that I did that and it keeps coming up over and over again.

The issue is soooo minor but ended up being a major problem

This is our first BIG fight in 7 years :(

I'm not sure what to do to make it up to him.

Help?

(Please be kind :/)

[IvanaPee]

Jesus, it gets worse!

[keepforgettingmyusername]

This is awful, why has your child been with her grandmother for days instead of at home with you? Your husband sounds like he's doing his best to provide a stable home environment for his child. You, however, are not. Your behaviour is out of control. I think you need counselling, speak to your GP. You also need to grow up and stop being so dramatic and childish.

[Frenchmontana]

but that does not give him any right to dictate who you talk to and you

No he doesn't. But he has the right to end a relationship with someone so irresponsible.

Which would be seen as cohersing her anyway.

[Ribbonsonabox]

You've got in a very unhealthy dynamic here.
I can see why he was upset about you being high but that does not give him any right to dictate who you talk to and you should not have said that it was her influence and you weren't going to contact her. YOU decided to smoke that weed.
You are both trying to control each other like you are children... I understand it may come from a place of love but you both need to find a healthier way to communicate with each other.
It was ridiculous to lock him out of the house just like it was ridiculous to be saying you weren't going to contact a friend because shes a bad influence! You need to sit down and actually talk to each other and listen to each other... and take responsibility for your own failings.
It also appears like you are swinging between outrage at him and idolation of him... all this you say about him being a wonderful man... one whom you were angry enough with to lock put of his house?? And then you are trying to take all the blame as though that will make the problems go away.... it's a very black and white childlike way of approaching things.
Fact is he also sounds very flawed in the way he is dealing with things.
You both need to sit down like adults and discuss it when you have an issue. If you dont do that and instead try and control each other with emotional manipulation and passive aggression your relationship is going to end up very unhealthy and volatile.

[Frenchmontana]

are you seriously TTC in the middle of this utter clusterfuck?

Ffs. What is wrong with some people?

Were you ttc when you accepted a joint? Even if you did think it was just 'weed'?

[LegitimateShite]

OP, I AS’d your username to see if there was any more context to this absolute shitstorm of childish drama...are you seriously TTC in the middle of this utter clusterfuck?

You need to grow up, fast.

[jjtired]

I feel sorry for your child in this situation, you’re both adults. What happens when you have an argument and she’s there? Are you just going to blow up and lock him out again? Grow up this isn’t healthy and it’s definitely not something a child should have to grow up around.

I also wouldn’t want my partner hanging out with a friend who thought it was normal to smoke “weed” and swear in front of a child.

[Frenchmontana]

Cant help woder if the dh is forward thinking enough to keep records of stuff like this.

In the event of disagreeing of who becomes RP of the child, all this could be quite useful

OP claiming she smoked weed when she clearly didn't, acting like that around the child and then keeping in contact with the person who probably spiked her? Then behaving like she has now.

I wouldn't leave my son living with his father if he was in contact with this person and would have them around our child, behaved like this (the locking out) and didn't think smoking drugs (weed or not) wasnt a big deal and claims he cant help but be influenced by this person.

[Nothinglefttochoose]

You both sound batshit crazy. Good luck with that.

[Prequelle]

Anyone saying the fella is unreasonable.. What? Yeah I think he does get a say in her choice of friends when she's coming home on a para and having an hysterical crying and screaming session because of the drugs she's consumed, as well as said friend having no respect by swearing repeatedly in front of the kid.

It's easy to paint this as controlling behaviour but its not controlling to want a bad influence out of your lives

[Frenchmontana]

Yeah the dh is controlling because he doesnt want his wife flipping out after smoking God knows what. And doesnt want her hanging round with a friend that convinced his wife to smoke weed, when the friend knew it wasnt.

If dp did this, he would be fucking gone. I could forgive the have a try of weed. I would not be happy if he continued to have contact with a man who told him it was weed when it was something else and fucked him over. Leaving me to deal with the fall out

[10IAR]

I second that, youknow has it bang on

[Quartz2208]

You know sums it up perfectly

[youknowmedontyou]

My OH has got a "friend", it's quite w recent friendship he's know him a couple of years (so it's not long term school friend going back years). He's horrible, we've got a young DD 3, he swears (fing and blinding) in front of her. Of course she's at the age that she picks it up (we have a rule never to swear in front of her!).

A while back DH met up with this friend, DH has never taken drugs and the friend convinced him to smoke some weed (I totally accept that DH did this, the friend didn't force him). When DH got hone things took a really bad turn he was massively paranoid, screaming, shouting that DD had been hurt, totally all over the place and out of control. I was trying to keep him quiet as DD was upstairs in bed and I didn't want her coming down, she would've been terrified. This went on for most of the night and I couldn't just leave him, he really was "off his head". It was an experience I never want again.

Once things had calmed down the next day, we had a chat, we don't believe it was weed we think he smoked spice, fully believe his friend knew this and put DH, myself and worse our daughter in danger. DH thought about this and decided this friend was no friend and to distance himself.

Today DD is at my mums and DH was acting strange round his phone, he became very protective and in the end we had words. He said that friend was in a bad way and back in touch, needed help blah blah.....

I got upset and angry, I don't like him as a person he swears and won't stop in front of DD, despite being told. The drug thing was awful and I think unforgivable. DH has made the decision to drop him, he's only known him a couple of years so he must have other friends who can help him.

The row escalated and I went for a walk, the situation needed to calm down.

When I got back DH had locked the doors, I knocked (on my own door that I pay towards the rent) for an hour and he totally refused to let me in. He'd packed up my things, gave them to me and told me to leave. I had no choice, it was getting late, I didn't want to involve the police to let me back into the property.

He's now acting like he's done little wrong and the whole thing was blown out of proportion. I feel worried that he thinks this friend is a friend (honestly seeing him screaming and shouting that our daughter was dead was awful!) this he decided to cool the friendship and then is hiding the continuing relationship, that he feels justified in locking me out of my own home and packing my clothes.

AIBU to think we have a serious issue in our relationship?

[MiddleClassProblem]

QuirkyQuark several people had already said that it’s very unlikely to be weed so not sure how you missed that.

I think people calling him controlling since hearing about the drug incident are ridiculous. I can’t imagine how scary it would be to have your partner like that whilst your daughter is in the house.

I can completely understand that he doesn’t want DD to hear her language too as she’s someone who doesn’t care enough to change it arounf her.

[MortyVicar]

OP locking him out was a bad move. A very bad move. But it does come across that there might be one rule for him and another one for you. He walked out having had a go at you for doing the same. He doesn't listen but expects you to.

You used to walk away from confrontation but he says you have to talk it out - which is no bad thing, but does the talking always end up with you agreeing that he's right and you're wrong and you'll do things his way? In other words, is this your first big fight because it's the first time you didn't toe the line?

[GoGoGadgetGin]

Agree does not sound like weed- how great a friend is she if she's telling what she's giving you is weed and it's not!

[BlackPrism]

Also yeah that doesn't sound like weed... weed makes you sleepy/ dozy and hungry and giggly. I have Whitied on it before where I passed out but don't know anyone who has ever hallucinated or gone mental on it... what did the joint smell like?

[BlackPrism]

This is so weird, I understand being angry and maybe even locking the door for 10 mins and then realising you're being a twat but it sounds like such a drama... you're 28/29 can't you both grow up and get over it?
You sound 16 with all the whinging and over dramatic 'it's all my fault I'm horrible' shit.

Just sit down, have a calm conversation and move on

[7Pip]

Now that you mention it, yes, a friend of mine inadvertently smoked spice and went completely paranoid and dulally for hours. She was properly terrified - rang me in a state convinced she was gone mad. Awful drug that!

[QuirkyQuark]

Am I the only one thinking the op actually smoked spice rather than a bit of weed?
If so and my dh did that he'd get a rollicking from me and I'd be seriously unimpressed if he continued to see them. And he'd do the same to me.

Really sounds like the pair of you need to grow up quite quickly.

[Aridane]

Cross post!

[Aridane]

I) a heartfelt apology to DH

2) get counselling / whatever for yourself (not couples counselling)

3) arrange a weekend away or special meal (with FD looked after elsewhere- ie so it’s just the two of you)

[detoke]

@Crabbyandproudofit thank you very much! I guess you are right. We talked just before and he says he has forgiven me and I promised it wont happen again. I will sit him down and talk about how to go about issues that cant be resolved instead of shying away.

Thanks again

[WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue]

YABU. You have behaved despicably and treated your partner awfully. You are lucky he hasn’t left you long before now and if I was advising him I would suggest left you.

You may be trying to deny it, but children pick up on behaviours and atmospheres, so she will have noticed.