Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
Ohnotheinlaws · 12/03/2019 18:25

I'm going against mostly everyone here but I don't understand what the problem is? If two of you apply then there is more chance that one of you will be making more money which is presumably the same household. Also , if one of you gets it then this is better than none of you getting it? I would be proud of my DH got the job as I would expect him to be proud of me; His aspirations are mine. Maybe he didn't want to be honest about applying because he knew you would feel this way. So can anyone explain why he an ass for having aspirations to?? That being said; if you work in the same department I don't think I would decide employ either of you in fear of this exact scenario...

ukgift2016 · 12/03/2019 18:31

I agree with the other posters who said this is due to his 'male pride', stating he decline the job to give to you says everything.

He just doesn't want to think you can do better than him. He wants to compete with you, win and then he can 'graciously' let you have the role.

Lovely.

miranda1511 · 12/03/2019 18:34

His ego is making him say he doesn't really want the job. That way if he doesn't get it he can save face. The real test will be if you get it and you've both been in the running. Prepare for your interview by bringing to life situations and deadlines that you have managed well. If your interview process is competency based this will count.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/03/2019 18:35

UnspiritualHome oh! Blind as a bat...

caringcarer · 12/03/2019 19:11

YABU. He has every right to apply for the job. You say you want to progress but he might want to as well. Let the best person win. If he gets the job and you feel betrayed bin him off and find another dp.

SarahSnowdrop · 12/03/2019 19:16

What an entitled arse! He just assumes he will get offered it rather than you. I would be very annoyed.

Is he generally okay or is this one of many red flags?

DH and I do different jobs but I'm pretty certain he would never do this to me.

Nearly47 · 12/03/2019 19:22

My sisters spent years not talking due to a similar situation. I wouldn't apply. Leave him to it.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/03/2019 19:41

Why would she not apply? That’s very odd...

S1naidSucks · 12/03/2019 19:49

Extremely odd!

Crunchymum · 12/03/2019 19:49

Do you work in same team?
If one of you get this job, will they manage the other?
Is your relationship common knowledge at work? Will the interviewer/s know about you being a couple?
Have you made future plans? 5 years is a long time to still be living separately?

Supermum29 · 12/03/2019 19:49

I say just go for it! Yes in an ideal world you’d both support each other and one would consider bowing but let’s face it we don’t live in an ideal world.

So he has management experience... from 10 years ago! So much has changed since then. If you’re not living together then it’s everyone for themselves as far as I’m concerned and you should both go for what you want. What will be will be, the job will go to someone that deserves it if that happens to be one of you then great.

Please don’t put what you want on hold because someone else has knocked your confidence. Just go for the job!!

BlimeyCalmDown · 12/03/2019 19:56

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me

^ what?? why would him declining it mean that it would then be offered to you!? Was he intending to do this just to prove to you he could beat you!?

He is being out of order, I think he's trying to show you who is top dog

bordellosboheme · 12/03/2019 20:00

He's got white man entitlement syndrome. It would put me right off him.

Original poster
MangoBananaSleep · 12/03/2019 20:01

We do work in the same team and I would be managing him.

We keep our relationship quiet at work so it isn’t common knowledge. However, given that we arrive and leave together quite regularly, I’m guessing people are aware.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 12/03/2019 20:05

Oh right...

I wish you luck in getting the promotion.

But it’ll probably come at the cost of your relationship with him. Which I personally don’t think is a bad thing (sorry).

blitzen · 12/03/2019 20:10

Good luck, OP. Rooting for you! Keep your cards close to your chest, prep like you've never prepped before and go for it. I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone like your DP. He must be very arrogant to assume he'd get the job over you and other potential candidates. My motto in this kind of circumstance is 'game on, motherfucker'. X

adaline · 12/03/2019 20:11

Good luck OP.

But like PP's said this could come at the cost of your relationship. But considering his attitude, that may not be a bad thing.

GeeksCanBeMumsToo · 12/03/2019 20:13

I would be really pissed off and would tell him why. I am guessing this comes down to him not wanting to work for you, which I sort of get, but I expect it’s also the male ego wanting to make more money than you and to be your boss. Personally, if either of you got it, the other would have to leave—there is no way in hell I’d work for my husband or vide versa—equals and all that, plus we’d kill each other.

SarahSnowdrop · 12/03/2019 20:13

Is this a one off or does he normally behave like a bit of a tit towards you?

SarahSnowdrop · 12/03/2019 20:14

I don't think this is going to end well....

Happynow001 · 12/03/2019 20:18

Hope you get the job OP! Either way in future I'd keep this this sort of thing under your hat. Certainly don't share any if your prep with him... Good luck.

crazypikle · 12/03/2019 20:22

Agree with other posters 10 years is along time
What if they offer it to you!
Have some confidence in your ability like you said you feel you could do it well prove that to them in your interview
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Go for it !

Nearly47 · 12/03/2019 20:36

MiddleClassProblem My point is will be very hard on their relationship if one of them gets the job... And if they work on the same team even worse. Difficult situation either way

jwpetal · 12/03/2019 20:40

Step up and go for it. Don't worry about what he is doing. Go for yourself and your belief in yourself. You don't know what will happen, but prepare, do your best and see what doors open for you.

AnneOfCleanTables · 12/03/2019 20:40

So it's not just a promoted post. It's a post that means one of you would be managing the other? I think that's a difficult situation tbh.
Also, check your company policies regarding workplace relationships. It may be that if one of you gets the post, the other will be moved to a different team.
As for your DP, he's being horribly competitive. Not so much with his decision to apply for the post but by saying if he got it he'd decline so you could have it. Unless he's a child, he knows that's not how interview processes work. And if he doesn't want the post and is willing to 'give' it to you then he's only applying to prove to both of you that he's 'better' than you.
I'd be rethinking the relationship.