Can't even believe I'm posting in here

[boddtm]

Honestly, questioning myself.
So, I've known for some time a girl at DH work has a bit of a crush. Noticed it on the Christmas do 2 years ago, warned DH - nothing heavy - just a bit of a 'hey heads up be careful" ie don't encourage.
Ff 2 years and since then I've met her a few times over nicey nicey oooh haven't you bagged yourself a good one etc.
Not an issue as far as I'm concerned. I trusted DH and just laughed it off.
Last night he and the team went out. No spouses, not a big deal. I didn't wait up but heard chatting when he got in. She's phoned him from taxi at 2am for a 10 minute chat. He can't apparently remember what about. He's also hidden a photo in one of these photo booths with her and a couple of other team members where she's sitting on her knee.
I'm a bit ragey about this - AIBU?

queenofsneakynaps

I don't think she backed off so much as dumped his pathetic arse . He grovelled and moped for a bit but she was having none of it although I think it was his needy display of woe-is-me that made Emma back off and nothing to do with the wife.

As an aside it's kind on interesting to me that your wish is for her life to fall off a cliff though and not for the DH to suffer. Whilst she didn't behave well, she clearly wasn't the worse of the two.

@queenofsneakynaps I think your advice is great! What is insidious is the ego trip of sneaky, clandestine flirtations. It’s so horrible. Publicly calling her out is perfect! Especially as she’s the pursuant.

She lashed out and claimed I was controlling and he could have female friends if he wanted except she very obviously did not want to be friends 🙄. happened to me!

ExDH was flirting right back though. But basically phased out said ‘friend’ when he realised how inappropriate it was. She kept calling him and texting though, long texts detailing how awful her husband was. A good friend of mine knows this woman well and when she saw her she told her that she’d been dropped by my ExDH (who I was with and pregnant at the time) as he ‘wasn’t allowed friends by that controlling bitch his wife’! Ouch! Sometimes it is a very conniving horrible woman I’m afraid to say. Luckily my friend loves me and defended me vehemently and totally out her in his place.

I love most women, have great female friends. However don’t be blind to competitive husband snatchers! They do exist. Doesn’t mean said husbands aren’t equally to blame. But those women are out there, unfortunately.

Birdie,

I do with the DH to suffer, don’t get me wrong. He should be absolutely flamed!

This is just what I believe... I may be wrong, but here goes.

Downcast, I do believe men can have a loving, committed relationship. I however believe that a small portion of men have no close friends they really talk to. They have only their wife who is their life partner and they love her deeply.

Then a major event happens (major illness, baby, SEN child). Suddenly the one person he depends on is not emotionally available anymore. She is too preoccupied with her own thoughts (“will I die”, “I haven’t slept in weeks”, “I have a 4th degree tear “, PND) and he has nobody to talk to. He feels shut out and there is a cute girl in the office who comes onto him.

Now, in some cases, he realises he has been an idiot. Cue therapy, massive pain, his wife is distraught and maybe the marriage can be saved. Or the betrayal is to big and it breaks down. I think this is a massive life crises. Of course he is a complete idiot, of course he deserves whatever he gets, but this is painful. For everyone.

I just don’t like the thought of the OW walking out in the sunset happily after this.

And before anyone asks, if it happens again, he is just an idiot who is well gotten rid of.

A married man has no business letting some woman sitting on his lap or even being out drinking with someone he knows has a crush. Massively inappropriate behaviour on both their parts. He's enjoying the attention while you sit at home with the baby like a good little wifey.

I'd be raging. And I don't buy that he can't remember what they spoke about - I think he's enjoying a nice little flirt. If he was mine there'd be no more going out - he's not behaving like a trustworthy husband. The choice would be clear - he backs off from this and starts doing whatever is necessary to make this right or he goes.

Think your major problem is with him. He needs to tell her to back off and that she's being inappropriate. If it continues you've got really big problems because he will be enjoying it so won't have stopped it. Time for you to lay down some hard truths.

There were 4 people and you have to squash in a booth.

Actually, no you don't.

You only try to get four people in a photo booth if you want an excuse to get really up close and personal with someone in the group.

He choose to do that for a reason.

Agree with everything @QueenOfSneakyNaps said. Sad but true. Men are simple creatures.

Oh, just a heads up.
In a more recent messaging out of hours situation, (which also had to do with her stealing a beer glass he'd admired from a bar and leaving it on his desk as a surprise present, and him messaging her about going for a drink - just the two of them), when I asked him to shut it down, he apparently told her I thought it was inappropriate. So not really giving the correct boundary setting impression at all. Getting dh to mention it might not be enough....

I'd put vicks in his boxers and personally go and tell the cheeky bitch face to face to back off.

It's clearly inappropriate and he's enjoying it. Put a stop to it right now before it develops

I find this a bit weird. Don’t understand where everyone works that colleagues don’t have each other’s numbers and need to talk all the time out of hours, occasionally at odd times. Quite normal in many people’s lines of work.

Worked in a financial services business where this kind of shit was utterly rife. I worked there in my 20's (while married) and was hit on so much I have totally normalised it.

I vividly remember a work do where a junior member of staff was sitting on a married directors knees in the back of a taxi. They're now married themselves after he eventually left wife no 2 (a workplace affair) for her.

He has been very foolish in how he has dealt with it but please don’t drive him away from you by making any accusations until you know the full story.

Here are 2 articles on discussing difficult topics with a view to achieving a solution rather than 2 angry people driven further away from each other.

www.yourofficecoach.com/coaching-resources/career-success/communication-skills/how-to-give-feedback-without-criticism

www.yourofficecoach.com/coaching-resources/career-success/communication-skills/how-to-talk-about-tough-topics

Try to speak to DH when you are close and snuggled up on the sofa or in bed or whatever and tell him without anger how seriously you feel about this. And why - because your marriage is so precious to you and there are ‘forces for evil’ out there That would destroy it.

Tell him you want his point of view. Let him say all that is on his mind. Say ‘Anything else’. Let him have the space to say it all. He may feel hurt that you don’t trust him and you need to be open to hear that (however crazy that might seem).

Try to paint the situation in impersonal terms or put him in your shoes eg if you had a man stuck on your mind who is not your husband that is the tip of a slippery slope leading down to emotional if not physical affair, however innocent it may feel right now.

But those 2 articles give much better advice than what I’ve said, I recommend a read. (Written for professionals but advice applies in so many situations)

I do agree with what you've said wee uptown a point. A person has no right to get angry at not being trusted if they are not behaving in a trustworthy manner. Letting some woman sit on your lap when you are married and taking phone calls in the middle of the night that you 'don't remember' the content of, is not behaviour which deserves trust.
A lot of men when confronted with evidence of their own bad behaviour go on the offensive and turn it around into a 'you should trust me' scenario. Which somehow makes it the wronged wife's fault!

Also some men would respond well to what you suggest, but others (practised liars) will listen to you, make all the right noises, then carry on doing whatever they please.
I think going nuclear is sometimes more effective. Some men need to see what they are going to lose before they wake up to their own behaviour. Esp if you are married to someone who is good at compartmentalising or is generally quite entitled.

he chooses to

squeeze into the photo booth (maybe a sour of the moment cool boss thing) BUT to HIDE & KEEP the blasted photo, then take a late night call from MsPhotobooth than miraculously he cannot remember the content of the phone call.

You are being taken for a fool OP, he is not a good man.

If he is senior at work it would not be right for him to give details of a work colleague to his wife, or leave them in a place she can access them, so she can call her and tell her to back off. This is something your dh has to sort at work through proper means.

I wouldn't be lowering myself to tell some other woman to back off. That's most definitely the husband's job. He has to be clearly demonstrating his loyalty to his wife. Who wants a husband who is only faithful because you've made his prospective affair partner back off?