Can't even believe I'm posting in here

[boddtm]

Honestly, questioning myself.
So, I've known for some time a girl at DH work has a bit of a crush. Noticed it on the Christmas do 2 years ago, warned DH - nothing heavy - just a bit of a 'hey heads up be careful" ie don't encourage.
Ff 2 years and since then I've met her a few times over nicey nicey oooh haven't you bagged yourself a good one etc.
Not an issue as far as I'm concerned. I trusted DH and just laughed it off.
Last night he and the team went out. No spouses, not a big deal. I didn't wait up but heard chatting when he got in. She's phoned him from taxi at 2am for a 10 minute chat. He can't apparently remember what about. He's also hidden a photo in one of these photo booths with her and a couple of other team members where she's sitting on her knee.
I'm a bit ragey about this - AIBU?

Especially drunk women late at night.

Sorry about typos, I'm actually in a taxi myself!

For perspective, a friend of mine called a married colleague late at night (gone midnight) from her train home. There had been work drinks and she just drunkenly wanted to continue the chat from her train.

His wife called her later and asked her to back off.

My friend was really upset about this and had absolutely no idea how her behaviour could have been interpreted.

It could be possible this colleague doesn't have a clue, and cannot see she crossed a line.

I admire all those giving this woman the benefit of the doubt but I'm not buying the innocent explanations . She has crossed the line and your husband is allowing it.

Why has she got his number?

Why does she have his number in her mobile? Why would she call him? And wtf is with sitting on his knee?

Yes op id be bloody ragey.

Just to clarify I totally agree she's crossed the line, he shouldn't have given someone he knew fancied him his number, he shouldn't have allowed her to sit on his knee, he shouldn't have shared a taxi home with her. I'd be livid too. All I'm saying is, she had his number, she rang him late at night drunk from a taxi. There is nothing wrong with him answering the phone to her BUT he shouldn't have got himself in these circumstances in the first place. Fool!

They've both crossed the line I mean.

Maybe this girl doesn't see the line she's crossing, and this will be the excuse from both of them when it progresses to more out of office hours calls/messages. Nothing wrong in that, right? But it's insidious, and is not appropriate behavior from either of them. No doubt they'd both deny anything would ever come of it, but just look at the number of times this kind of thing turns into more.
Your dh needs to see it for what it is. He's in a senior position, so it's inappropriate, he's married, she's not, its inappropriate. She has a crush, he enjoys the attention. It's inappropriate on so many levels. He's disrespecting you by lying, and once he starts that, he'll find it easier to lie about other things. It needs nipping in the bud. Either he tells her that this contact needs to stop, or you should. I'd have let it slide before, but not after the EA which turned into a PA between dh and a work friend he went drinking with. I totally didn't see it coming, much to my eternal regret. Put a stop to it, and make sure dh knows why. My dh would never have predicted his shitty behavior, but it was just too easy...

Why has she got his number?

Because they’re friends?
I also have no recollection when idrink, probably why i don't do it much now!
My friend also never remembers much!

She's friends with her boss and calls him at 2am and sits on his lap? Riiiiight.

The way I see it is that she is putting out feelers. She's advertising to him that she's interested (and to you, as it happens!).
He may not see it that way, he might think it's just "harmless fun" but the more he fails to shut it down, the more she'll feel encouraged to keep trying.

If he has an affair with her, OF COURSE it's his fault for breaking his vows to you - but she is not entirely blameless because she put temptation in his way, in a BIG way.

He absolutely needs to tell her that it is inappropriate, in no uncertain terms. No "sorry, we can't have our little chats any more", no "I don't think this is a good idea", it has to be BANG BANG - "Do not call me after hours again, it is Inappropriate and I will not tolerate it". Shut it RIGHT down. Threaten her with HR if she continues to harass him at work (unwanted sexual attention, however minor, is harassment).

If he can't do that then you have maybe more to worry about. He HAS to do that.

I think you should ring the colleague and just tell her it's not appropriate to ring your husband at 2am or at any other time outside work hours tbh

HUGE red flag!
Call them out on it now!

Even if he doesn't think there's any harm in their "friendship" or her crush and flirtation he should respect his wife enough to put a stop to it.

Few women would be happy to have another woman sitting on their husband's knee. (Especially if he felt guilty/worried enough to hide it from her!) For that matter, most men wouldn't be pleased to know that the wife had been sitting on another man's knee, and it's absolutely ridiculous for him to pretend that it wouldn't bother him!

It's perfectly reasonable to be concerned, under the circumstances, and he needs to chill the "friendship" and make it completely clear that they have a business relationship only.

The problem most likely is that, yes, he's flattered by the attention; he's probably also worried about making things awkward with her at work. Nevertheless, his little ego-boost shouldn't trump your need for security and respect, and you may have to spell that out for him, since he's not getting it on his own.

I would Facebook her and tell her to back off. Whilst at the same time reading him the riot act. There’s no smoke without fire!

Where did you find the photo? I'd be wanting to know why he hid it rather than just ripping it up and throwing it in the bin if it meant nothing to him or showing it to you and explaining how it happened...

My DH had very similar and didn't shut it down fast enough as they were friends, she was going through a rough patch, I was being unfair, etc. It turned messy. He has to shut it down, he knows it's flirting, flirting is never innocent if your partner has expressed worry/hurt over it.
Shirley Glass Not Just Friends is a good book for explaining how this close friendship can tip into EA and more. Might be worth getting him to read it as it might make your point for you, my DH says he wishes he'd read it as he would have shut down his friend a lot sooner.

It sounds one sided and not your dh! Some people are naturally flirty and lack boundaries rather than assuming she making a play for him, let's assume she was drunk in the taxi. Hiding the photo was wrong but he was worried you would read more into it I expect.

Of course he can remember. He just doesn't want to admit it.

He does remember-he likes it and probably finds it very flattering. He just doesn’t want to tell you. I’d be very wary but keep my powder dry. He’s not going to admit anything now but do keep alert.

The only thing I'd need DH to tell me is in what way he is discouraging this. Most women would eventually give up or even feel a bit humiliated being told to back off. So, has he told her to back off or not?

All the other detail is just noise.

They’ve all been out drinking. She’s got a crush that got the better of her at 2.00am in the morning after a night out, if your dh had been drinking there’s a possibility he can’t remember what she phoned him about.
Again the photo. It’s a boozy night out, there where other people in the picture. It’s all stuff she’s instigating.
I’d be mindful, but don’t let it dominate your life.

I would Facebook her and tell her to back off.

I would want my DH to be telling her to back off himself (and he'd better bloody mean it).

Why has she got his number? Would she need it because of work?

You guys are all so nice and friendly....

I would set up lunch with DH, come early to his office (with or without children depending on office policies). Then I would walk up to her and in front of all her colleagues very kindly explain to her that it just looks bad to keep going on about how gorgeous your DH is and then take every opportunity (exaggeration ) to sit on his lap and finally call him at 2am in the morning. The next wife (next married man she chases) might get the wrong idea. I would be so sweet - and loud. And then swish off to lunch with DH. And swear until I was blue in the face that I was trying to help the poor girl.