Can't even believe I'm posting in here

[boddtm]

Honestly, questioning myself.
So, I've known for some time a girl at DH work has a bit of a crush. Noticed it on the Christmas do 2 years ago, warned DH - nothing heavy - just a bit of a 'hey heads up be careful" ie don't encourage.
Ff 2 years and since then I've met her a few times over nicey nicey oooh haven't you bagged yourself a good one etc.
Not an issue as far as I'm concerned. I trusted DH and just laughed it off.
Last night he and the team went out. No spouses, not a big deal. I didn't wait up but heard chatting when he got in. She's phoned him from taxi at 2am for a 10 minute chat. He can't apparently remember what about. He's also hidden a photo in one of these photo booths with her and a couple of other team members where she's sitting on her knee.
I'm a bit ragey about this - AIBU?

She knows she’s crossed a line, I doubt she cares, and he knows both of their behaviour is inappropriate.

I’d be speaking to her about backing off before you give her a slap and telling your DH that is behaviour is very inappropriate, and you don’t care how good he feels when she’s hanging all over him, he’s married and should treat you and your relationship with more respect.

2am phone calls and hidden photos are not on. And yes, he probably has a rough idea of what was said, even if he can’t recite it word for word.
If he truly doesn’t know, he shouldn’t be getting so drunk that his inhibitions are so low at a work outing.

Tell her in front of her work colleagues.... many, many years ago a friend of mine had a serious crush, actually a bit more than a crush, on a married man (I was furious). It ended abruptly after the wife came to her work. She said she never felt so humiliated in her life.

He's getting very close to a situation where, if he reported her or anything, she could sue for harrassment - and she has photographic evidence. He's needs to back the fuck off so far that he's never, ever alone in a room with her and only communicates via email so that there is no possibility of a misunderstanding. He's very close to being blackmailed into an affair. I have red flags going up all over the place with this one.

I too would feel like telling her to leave him alone but if it isn't what the DH wants then the wife could end up looking like a bit of a loon.

For me, this has to come from the DH .

I think he maybe hid the photo because he knew you would be (rightly) annoyed rather than him having a sinister ulterior motive. Sounds like it is more form her end

But no you are not being unreasonable. I would be annoyed - and hiding all the paracetamol so his head has to hurt all day ha

Ask him every day how she is?
That way he knows that you are keeping an eye.

The photo would not bother me so much, but the phone call and her having his number is a big no-no for me.

Work-wise he is an idiot give the #metoo movement, he is playing Russian roulette with his career.

On another note, the fact that you barely leave the house and are with the kids most of the time is also an issue. You need to get out and leave him with the kids sometimes. At the moment you are good old reliable wifey.

You have been fed deceit and lies.
Soon he will be claiming it’s YOUR fault. I am sure you are not as much “fun” as this woman and don’t understand and appreciate him as much. Maybe that’s to do with bringing up his children, running the house and being a wife. Poor man.
Just from experience.

Actually thinking back, I did once trear up one of those photos, it was a few of us in the photo booth but the photo came out of me and guy in the forefront & it just looked too intimate. It wasn't but I didn't want it out there.

He was sober enough to hide the photo. He knew that was a bad idea!

But too drunk to remember the phone call, or to consider the knee sitting and late night calls a bad thing...

Not buying it.

I think he might not be giving he a strong enough message that he is not interested. Sorry.

'her' not 'he'.

I'd be very hurt by this behaviour - it isn't appropriate and he knows it, hence the hiding of the photo. It wouldn't be marriage-ending stuff, but it would be painful enough to take a while to get over.

I would not assume there is anything more to it than this, though. I shared an office with a girl who had a massive crush on a more senior member of staff. She knew he was off limits, and that he was committed to his wife - but she would still flirt a bit with him. No way would it every go further than that. This sounds similar. He's probably enjoying the attention a bit, but has no intention of cheating.

Oh, and definitely don't go marching into work or anything - you'll be a laughing stock.

You say that you occasionally meet this woman socially. I think that would be the perfect opportunity to send a clear, short message. This also happened in the case I mentioned above - the woman I shared an office with started going on to the wife about how she'd got herself a really good man, how lovely he was, how she'd ask him out if he were available etc. The wife replied with a stone cold "Back off, bitch". Worked like a dream.

Yes it is inappropriate that she called at 2am but she was drunk and she fancies him. You already know she has designs on your dh. The real issue is that your dh answered the call, if he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t even answer. Then he lied about the conversation, of course he knows what they talked about. He hid the photo, in my experience if guys have nothing to hide then they don’t hide it. Sorry OP but your dh is guilty of something here, might be a crush, a minor flirtation or a kiss or even an affair but he is definitely guilty.

Is he her manager? From the detail you have given, I feel nothing has happened, but he is enjoying the attention too much. If he is in a senior position, he should shut this down immediately, it is extremely unprofessional. So practically he needs to text her a message, saying 2am phone calls are not appropriate, not to do it again and whilst a night out with people you work with has fun and drinks involved, this is crossing a professional line. Sit with him whilst he types it, see him hit send and her response will tell you anything you need to know.

Oh and don't do anything yourself, that only gives the situation energy. If he won't do that for you, then you have a problem.

I think it would be marriage ending for me tbh or at the very least worthy of counselling. Every aspect of it shows a complete lack of respect for you and your family. This is NOT how men who love and respect their wives behave.

Look at what you can do to strengthen yourself. If you don't want to end the marriage - do something to change it. He will need to babysit once a week while you go out - a hobby, pub quiz, the gym. He needs to know that you have the same freedom as he does and that if this marriage breaks down he will have a HELL of a lot less freedom. Get yourself out there again.

Your DH has to be the one to stop this and he has to want it to stop.

I just don't understand men that think this sort of 'work relationship' is ok, my DH had a female friend at the start of our relationship, I knew her main aim was to get him into bed, especially when she would tag him in facebook status' to say they had a nice chat !! He stopped speaking to her the minute I said I didn't like it...

While we're on about boundaries, if your DH is in a senior position at work, then getting so drunk while out with colleagues that he can't recall what he spoke about for 10 minutes is extremely inappropriate, as is allowing junior members of staff to sit on his knee in a photo booth. If he values this career he needs to look at his behaviour and begin acting with a bit more decorum. He's putting himself in a very vulnerable position by behaving in this manner.

He is gaslighting!!!!!!!!!!!

I would say something to her.

Get her number from DH phone, or better - call her directly at work (call reception and ask to be put through) - tell her she's no business calling your husband in the early hours of the morning, tell her you're not an idiot and you can see right through her and to warn her to watch her behaviour because you won't tolerate it.

No offence but you clearly can't trust your DH to tell her to wise up, so you should take the matter into your own hands.

Don't worry about how it makes DH look - he is hardly acting professionally anyway.

I would say something to her.

I absolutely understand why someone would do this but it's a bit like telling someone that your DH doesn't like chocolate, you can tell the whole world he doesn't like chocolate and not to give it to him, but if he does^ like chocolate he'll just eat it in secret.

For fucks sake if it was a bloke calling him pissed in a taxi for a drunk chat you wouldn't give a toss. Why are you all so insecure that you find this inappropriate?

Women are allowed to be friends with men and they are allowed the act in the same way as the woman in the OP's post.

If OP is unhappy with it then either she has a problem or she has a DH problem, the girl is fuck all to do with it. As lets be honest, she could be anyone and you'd still have the same issue 🙄

Also how patronising and insecure to 'warn' your husband about being over friendly with her 🤨 ... You see the issue with that don't you OP? Your issue was with her, not your DH, where if anything happens it is 100% on him.