Can't even believe I'm posting in here

[boddtm]

Honestly, questioning myself.
So, I've known for some time a girl at DH work has a bit of a crush. Noticed it on the Christmas do 2 years ago, warned DH - nothing heavy - just a bit of a 'hey heads up be careful" ie don't encourage.
Ff 2 years and since then I've met her a few times over nicey nicey oooh haven't you bagged yourself a good one etc.
Not an issue as far as I'm concerned. I trusted DH and just laughed it off.
Last night he and the team went out. No spouses, not a big deal. I didn't wait up but heard chatting when he got in. She's phoned him from taxi at 2am for a 10 minute chat. He can't apparently remember what about. He's also hidden a photo in one of these photo booths with her and a couple of other team members where she's sitting on her knee.
I'm a bit ragey about this - AIBU?

Why did he even keep the photo? Why not just delete it? Did he want to keep looking at it......

Oh dear. Well OP, only you know your DH, and you know what he's like. I don't know what you can do about it really, you can't wade in to the office like an Eastenders character and yell at her. All you can do is speak to your partner and get him to sort it out. It's a horrible position to be in though, and you have my sympathy.

My EX did something very similar having very friendly chats online with one of his customers. I told him to defriend her if he valued our relationship, so he did.
But it only took him about a week before he had friended her again. He gaslighted me for a few months, which was hell.
The last comment I saw was his to her something about "can't understand why you're still single LOL. If I were single you wouldn't be LOL".
He very soon found himself single and he wasn't LOLing then!

Threaten him you will tell his boss and hr. he is putting himself at risk of all sorts of allegations. If her work is not good he won't be able to discipline her. And he is upsetting his wife. He is a bit dazzled, wipe the shine off. Don't be reasonable just tell him he's an arse, everybody is probably laughing at him

Don’t give into the temptation to contact her. He is your problem here. He needs to address it and put a stop to it.

I’d guess he’s flattered by the attention, but he’s in a committed relationship and there are expectations.

You need to tell him repeatedly that this is now a major issue and it has changed things. He needs to demonstrate that he will sort this.

@Fiveredbricks Why are you all so insecure that you find this inappropriate? Women are allowed to be friends with men and they are allowed the act in the same way as the woman in the OP's post.

And the usual I am too 'cool for this shit' poster, rears their head. He is in a senior position at work, he has a wife, she fancies him; she is not his 'friend', what is so hard to understand. Life will give you an awful land at some stage @Fiveredbricks if you you are so ignorant to emotional cues.

@QueenofSneakyNaps Why not just walk in and piss all over your DH instead to really mark your territory? In fact you'd probably look less unhinged doing that.

Years ago I worked with a woman (let's call her Emma) who was having an affair with a man we worked with (Dom). He was married with a baby and a similar situ arose and his wife decided to call Emma out.

Wife turned up at our place of work and saw the pair drinking with me and our other colleagues in the pub. At this stage I had no idea of the affair and don't think anyone did including the wife.

Wife approached Emma and told her to back off and there was no way her DH would be interested in her and said done quite unkind things that Bob had apparently told her about Emma.

Emma turned to Bob and said something along lines of (and I praphrase) "presumably your wife is getting me mixed up with another of your whores as I'm quite sure that was not your opinion when you were telling me I was the best fuck you'd ever had".

It was delivered with such icey coolness that it still makes my toes curl when I think about it almost twenty years later and I think about it every time someone on MN suggests confronting the "other woman".

""presumably your wife is getting me mixed up with another of your whores as I'm quite sure that was not your opinion when you were telling me I was the best fuck you'd ever had".

Ooooooooooff.

What a denouement.

Your contribution actually made me think about this differently. I think this story also illustrates perfectly why women shouldn't have a go at other women over this. OP's problem is not that there is this woman at work who fancies her DH. It's that her DH hasn't shut the situation down. (Obviously, in her case, the situation is not quite as serious).

Turning it into a situation in which women are competing with one another for the attention of a bloke who is (pretty much by definition) unworthy of either of them is just... inelegant and lacking in self-respect.

@OddCat good point, but in this case the DH is not telling anyone he doesn't not like chocolate. It sounds to me like he is enjoying the attention. I wouldn't sit back and wait to be cheated on.

@BirdieInTheHand The only person embarassed in that situation should be the other woman, who is labelling herself a whore.

Also the cheating scumbag of a man.

To be honest, this thread makes me equally angry and sad. And yes, I would confront the woman - in a well planned way.

When I was working, I saw so many office affairs. In addition, two of my friends were cheated (by OW in office) on whilst pregnant / just had given birth. One marriage survived, the other’s husband left her for the OW when baby was 2 weeks.

Common to most of these affairs were a) more senior man, b) wife pregnant or with small child and c) keen younger woman. It seems some men get much more flattered by attention from other women when they get less attention at home (due to small children). With the risk of being flamed, I think these women are despicable. I once had a colleague (happily married as am I) begging me to go quickly to a work event. He said he wanted to show his face, but that if he was on his own, the secretaries would flock around him due to his title (salary) and that he couldn’t stand it.

I had another colleague telling me over a quick morning coffee -with a meaning smile- that his wife never made an effort with her appearance anymore (2 months after giving birth). I told him to buy her a new dress, treat her to a massage and take her out for dinner. Then I left. I was absolutely fuming.

Wedgiecar

Well that's presumably what the wife was aiming for but the reality was quite different - Emma, whilst undoubtedly humiliated, came out looking like the wronged part, in part because she kept her cool so impressively (I often wonder whether she'd practiced for exactly the scenario with which she was confronted)

The wife ended up looking unhinged and us bystanders were so shocked/stunned that there was a good deal of nervous laughter that added to her humiliation. It was awful.

There is a woman a friend another mum of DIL at school, she has flirts outrageously with DS, and his Dad who is 67 ffs. I just think what a sad person she is coming on to anything in pants, her self esteem must be on the floor. The 67 year old was baffled by the in your face flirting, DS just shrugs it off.

The poor girl is something of a joke at school because of her behaviour around men, but you have to ask yourself why she is like this?

I am afraid I have very little sympathy for the girls.... I forgot to add: the man who cheated on his wife when she was diagnosed with bread cancer, you see, he found it difficult....

The girl in my team who I caught chatting to our boss (who I had left several voice mails for as I needed him to sign off on something l). I heard her saying “ohhhh, I cannot believe your wife doesn’t iron your shirts (wife just had had HIS baby), I would do that” before I asked “is the XX?”. When she nodded I just calmly asked to speak to him so I could get my sign off. Then I took a short walk.

Don’t get me wrong, the men are awful, but why would anyone with any kind of morals do this ?

“This man’s wife got diagnosed with cancer, bet he needs a big glass of wine and a s**g”

“This man’s wife just had a baby. Hmm...I’ll wear my shortest skirts, twirl my hair and tell him I would look after him so much better”

I mean wtf is wrong with people?

Again the men are awful, but some girls are shameless.

Birdie, that girl in your office sounds pretty wile actually. I am sure she “felt hurt”, but seriously? Did she stay at her job, is she still there? Did the affair continue?

Common to most of these affairs were a) more senior man, b) wife pregnant or with small child and c) keen younger woman. It seems some men get much more flattered by attention from other women when they get less attention at home (due to small children). With the risk of being flamed, I think these women are despicable

Bang on @queenofsneakynaps

And it’s not at glossy London law firms: it’s fucking everywhere. It was rife where I worked in the NHS (and extra gross).

I mean how did she even get his number? And why did he answer the call? He could have easily ignored her calling & just answered & hung up promptly so she got the message! Why is he entertaining this behaviour

Of he respected you he wouldn't be letting her do it. Doesn't matter if it's more her than him he should respect you

When I was 19, and bf was 20 (we had been together 4 years). He started working with this older woman (think she was 25 at the time). She was all over him all the time, really smug when she saw me, always commenting on pics of him or making forward comments. Any work drinks she would be sitting next to him. I told him she liked him but it was all in my head apparently. They were just mates that had banter . She really drove a wedge between us, suddenly more arguments happend to be about her. She even befriended me on FB to see what we were both up to. A year later we decided to call it quits and my jealously was at an all time high. It literally took him 2 days to jump into bed with her after the break up before the silly arse came begging for me back. I stupidly took him back but the thought of what they had done tore me apart and couldn't face them still working together so I ended it again. He even told me he thought she was ugly, flat chested, big nose, smelt etc lol Long story short they got back together and have 2 children now I believe, but now I'm the smug one because a few years into their relationship her cheated on her with me when we met up for drinks and we had a sneaky kiss. I'm not usually the sort but I was single and hated her guts. He too admitted to cheating on her several more times with other woman. Moral of the story trust your gut and she is welcome to him!

Birdie, that girl in your office sounds pretty wile actually. I am sure she “felt hurt”, but seriously? Did she stay at her job, is she still there? Did the affair continue?

I'm afraid I can't tell you that karma bit her on the arse. She stayed for a bit, moved on and is now hugely successful. I hear of her from time to time. My impression was she learned a lesson (she was early 20s) but that's based only on what I saw of the aftermath when she cut him off completely.

He by all accounts continues to shag around, despite his wife having two more DC and moving him out to the Home Counties to get away from the temptation. Sad really.

"With the risk of being flamed, I think these women are despicable"

The men are despicable. They. Have. A. Choice.

Stop having the lowest possible expectations of men. They are fully capable of a committed, loving relationship.

Birdie, it sounds like at the very least that affair ended... And she moved on, so even if she had a retort at the time, she did back off.

The man sounds like an absolute idiot, the times I have seen marriages survive it has been because the man genuinely regretted what he did once he snapped out of it.

Hugely successful, well, a life is long. I would like to think that at some point her private life will fall off a cliff for a while... I do believe in karma in the long run.

And as for the man.... I remember a joke about Barbie dolls when I was little, why are divorced Barbie so expensive? “ Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture and Ken’s dog”

@Wedgiecar58 exactly- he's not saying it but should be.

A woman at my DP’s work had an obvious crush on him to the extent she was buying him weird gifts from time to time that I found utterly inappropriate to say the least, also messaged him a few times late at night which he never replied to and he threw the gifts away. I trusted DP completely but found the woman’s actions disrespectful knowing he had a then pregnant partner at home. So DP ended up telling her to leave him alone, that he wasn’t interested and that it was upsetting me. She lashed out and claimed I was controlling and he could have female friends if he wanted except she very obviously did not want to be friends 🙄.

Anyway, my point is that if your DH really cared he would steer clear of her completely and if she still refused to leave him alone then he’d have to tell her. He hasn’t don’t this, instead he’s continued to let her stroke his ego.

I’d be most worried about him hiding things tbh, sounds like bad things are on the horizon...