To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

[Budgieonaglass]

Now that is very tempting, *Drum

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

I'm so sorry for you diagnosis. To put it bluntly, you're only going to die once, therefore you should be able to do so how you want. Fuck this is probably the one time where it's completely acceptable to have things exactly how you want them.

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

I would say do what you bloody well like, this is all about what make you happy and comfortable and not them.

[7Pip]

@mogtheexcellent
Whilst I myself am decidedly excellent at being utterly abhorrent at social engagements with my extended family, on my death bed, I was apparently very meek and kitten like.
I think OP, it really depends what you're up for. I'd say 2 mins max per person. A hospital wouldn't allow too many visitors. Tell your Mum to say that they can come down to your room, but you can't talk.

[Beeziekn33ze]

OP - This is so much your choice, whatever you decide is perfectly reasonable. Wishing you peace 🌟

[LarkDescending]

I recognise you and know you to be a very special MNer.

YANBU a million times over.

You don’t owe anyone anything with the precious time you have remaining.

Peace and love to you and your parents OP

[rollingdowntheslide]

If ever there was a time for pleasing yourself, it is now

^^ this.

I'm so sorry op. Please don't feel bad at all for seeing people you want to see.

Wishing you peace xx

[recrudescence]

Decide what’s best for you and do that. All the best, OP. Go well.

[MLMsuperfan]

I've found the You, Me and The Big C podcast wonderful on the topic of approaching death with humour and grace.

I know they'd say it's up to you.

[indyandlara]

I too know who you are and you gave me such support when our paths briefly crossed. You are a very special lady and I hope the days ahead are filled with those who truly deserve you.

[DeRigueurMortis]

You sound lovely OP and I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis

Personally I think you need to do what's best for you.

If letting them visit affords you some comfort in respect of your mother's feelings then by all means do so.

TBH I'm not sure I'd be prepared to bite my tongue - rather I'd be tempted to tell them that the only reason they were allowed to come into my room was so I could tell them to fuck off back out of it (sorry to be rude).

The blanking you at Christmas would have been the decision making point for me. There was a perfect opportunity to spend time with you and they chose not to do so.

I'd see it as being your time now to choose who you wish to see and who you don't. If that means some family and not others, so be it.

Its something your mum can skirt around simply by saying it's impossible to predict from day to day or hour to hour if you are well enough to see anyone (and that simply as luck would have it you were well enough when xyz relatives came over to see her rather than specifically see you).

Your mother knows how they have behaved. The fact she's asking is showing she is rightly putting you first.

Sending love and kind thoughts for your journey OP

[BarbarianMum]

Even if they were kind and a good friend it would be fine not to see them if you dont want to.

I wasnt able to see a good friend in her last weeks of illness as she was just not well enough for many visitors and wanted to spend what little energy she had on her family. Would I have liked to see her one more time? Of course. Should my desire to say goodbye trump her wishes? Definitely not. The relationship was what it was after 20+ years of friendship. One last visit would have changed nothing.

[TheMamaYo]

Oh.. the death vultures. Grandparents or not, it is your choice OP. And I am incredibly sorry to read your situation.

I’ve gone through a lot of bereavement, also worked with people at end of life and there is a type of person who seems to really want to be involved in a ‘death’ story. I don’t know why.. but they always swoop down and try to attach themselves somehow, even if they have no place to do so.

I vote for you to do you. Bloody hell.. if not now, then when? Your parents will eventually be glad that they were able to grant your wishes around this.

Still.. I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you are pain free and comfortable. Lots of weird- internet -stranger -but -meant -in -the -best- possible -way love to you.

[Absolutepowercorrupts]

It really doesn't matter that they are your grandparents, if they'll not give your mother support then don't be concerned about them. It appears that they're just after affirmation from their friends.
See who you want to, spend time with those who love you, this time now is about you. Loved the excellent drugs comment. I wish you peace for your future. And kick arse if you need to, anyone's arse

[weebarra]

I recognise you too, and you have faced your illness with immense dignity.
Do whatever makes it easiest for you. I know how much you value your mum, so if letting them visit, and see you very briefly, will make her life easier, you might want to do that.

[Dippypippy1980]

It sounds like you have had enough of these people, it doesn’t matter who they are. If you wouldn’t enjoy their visit then why would you waste your precious time on them.

I am so sorry about your diagnosis. Your time wouldn’t be spent with the people who bring you joy and love,

[DaffydownClock]

Totally your call Budgie in my opinion.
I'm another who recognises just what a truly remarkable, compassionate and wise lady you are and I am very much thinking of you and your family.
I know exactly what you mean, I'm sure your mum will find a way to stall them won't she?
💐

[derxa]

Bless you OP

[FrozenMargarita17]

YANBU op. It's your time to be selfish. Doesn't matter if they're grandparents or not, they can still be arseholes!

[SapphireSeptember]

Nope, not being unreasonable in the slightest! I like your sass, you sound wonderful though.

I'm sorry OP. I hope your end is peaceful.

[timeisnotaline]

Your choice. However if you really wanted to compromise to help your mum, your mum could tell them the drugs are leaving you confused, you could call them the wrong name to help with this impression then say something rude ...’Bob you always were a selfish shite since you were born I’m sure’ and everyone could pretend you thought it was Bob ...
just to throw another option into the mix!

[ChrisPrattsFace]

I read a story about a terminally ill man, and him and his wife ‘entertained’ many visitors over his last few months. Often because they wanted to have ‘their’ moment with him.
The last few says we’re spent alone with his wife, he had wrote in his memoirs that he bitterly regretted spending time with those who took away from the people who mattered to him. You are obviously a different person... but Basically... see who you want to see.
People will do it for their own reasons but I feel your reason are the only valid in such situation.
Sorry to hear of your position regardless OP.

[ShawshanksRedemption]

Terminal illness can bring all sorts out. Some people don't know what to do or say, and some will ignore you completely because of this. It brings to them their own mortality, but also emotions they don't now how to handle. We're not good at death and dying.

However this is you death, your time, not anyone else's. Your choice, even if it means it puts your mum in an awkward position. From what you've said, the grandparents will probably be awkward anyway, whatever decision you make. YANBU to say no.

[Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump]

You know, it’s made me feel quite angry that this is being asked of you, on your effing deathbed.

You should be protected from rubberneckers and death tourists and certainly not be having to spend your limited energy considering anyone other than yourself.

[HJWT]

Im sorry OP ... I think you need to do what YOU want this time is not for anyone else or about anyone else! Sending love & hugs xx