To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

[Racheyg]

Op, I'm sorry to hear of your terminal illness. I feel that your wishes should be followed, it sounds like they have had plenty of opportunity to see you but only now they are trying.
Maybe they feel guilty?
I hope your parents are strong enough to stand up to them and follow through with your wishes.

[Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump]

Ouch, grandparents.

That does make a tiny bit of difference but actually, your wishes and needs should come first. If you can’t put yourself first now, when can you?

I stand by my opinion!

[FizzyGreenWater]

It makes no difference. If anything I can see how their behaviour must have been extra hurtful.

[Neverender]

I really hope so...I love/d her. I would have so loved to have been trusted and for her to have realised that I genuinely loved her and cared about her. I know you must be in the most awful situation but I felt totally rejected and dismissed.

[Budgieonaglass]

CoachBombay I loved that, thank you maybe that would be a good compromise. I can only imagine their faces if I said anything like that!

[JenW36]

Honestly, your Mum will understand. No, look after yourself, your choice and wishes x

[EhlanaOfElenia]

I think the fact that they're your grandparents and they haven't made any effort in the past makes me think that you have an even better reason to NOT see them.

[Ilove31415926535]

Knowing who this is, you're lovely.
Please spend your remaining time in peace and tranquility. I wish you a gentle journey

[Usingmyindoorvoice]

Would it be possible for your mum to have them in the house to support her, but not see you?
If not, then YANBU.

[Budgieonaglass]

Well done for getting rid of them Scrumptious. That's exactly how I feel sometimes, like a zoo exhibit!

[pallisers]

Just remember that if you push people away now, your Mum won't be able to draw on their help..

honestly this shouldn't be the OP's concern as she nears the end of her life. The OP has a little time left. She should spend it with those she loves and who are kind to her.

[Budgieonaglass]

I wondered about that Using, but I'm not sure how it would work practically. Plus then we would actually have to tell them I don't want to see them, whereas at least if we just don't invite them at all we can skirt around that.

[MellowMelly]

It doesn’t matter who it is. Grandparents or not, it’s your decision. Your moments when you’re awake don’t need to be wasted on anyone else but those that are special to you and who you want to be around you.

[TheRealHousewifeofCheshire]

Your mum values your opinion because it is your choice. Its a tough one but I dont think you should have to see anyone you dont want to. I am sorry for what you are going through.

If you are worried about your mum dealing with the fallout could you soften the blow and tell her to tell people you just werent up to visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

Sorry, I'm trying to catch up, but I'm full of some excellent drugs, which are making me a little bit dozy

[WhiffofSnell]

Cross posted with you, OP. The fact that they're grandparents doesn't change my pov

[pallisers]

Neverender is the reason you don''t reach out to your friend's son that she wouldn't let you visit her when dying? If so, that is sad. Why not reach out anyway? Her refusing to see you could be for any number of reasons - fear, shame, pure sickness, etc. She may not have been up to a conversation with even a trusted friend. I'm sorry you have interpreted it to mean she didn't trust you.

[BIWI]

Oh Budgie

What a dilemma.

I'd talk to your mum about it and make it clear to her (just in case you haven't already!) how you feel, but also that you don't want to make things awkward for her, once you have died.

Otherwise, do what you feel is best for you.

My heart aches for you and your mum

[Doilooklikeatourist]

Part of me wants do say it’s entirely up to you , and don’t see them ( the grandparents ) if you don’t want too
However
My mum and her SIL ( dads sister ) never got on , ever , from meeting as teenagers , til when mum was ill , in her 60s
They came to see her , and mum chose to see SIL , on her own . She was in there for an hour , and came out saying they had talked and talked
Again , it’s up to you , if you truly dont want to see them , then say you’re not well enough

[Alicesweewonders]

I'm am so sorry to hear about your illness.

You are not being unreasonable, if this is your last bit of life. You do it your way, go out on your terms.

Best of luck OP

[whywhywhy6]

You need to do what feels right for you right now. I’m so sorry to hear of your illness and wish you peace. x

[Grace212]

OP it's fine to refuse anyone you don't want to see.



no, I'm not in charge!

but my dad died last year and he didn't want to see anyone bar me and mum in the last stages of his illness. Some people were offended by this, but they still helped me and mum and I would hope your grandparents would be the same.

you get to choose who you see, I think that's completely reasonable.

[diddl]

I don't think that you should do it for them or your mum tbh.

[7Pip]

Lovely to see a woman feisty to her death. I genuinely hope I'm equally as staunch!
I've had a health scare recently and I think the terror of it, and knowing that you've done nothing that you wanted to do (speaking for myself) if bloody petrifying!
Being me, I'd invite them all in and then give them a right good bollocking. Scare the life out of them lol. Sorry, but when faced with death, your priorities change.
Or you could invite them in individually and whisper in their ears 'I know what you've done'
Tee hhe
I suspect I am going to the worst patient on the ward when my time comes. Family fleeing in tears lol. While I cackle!

[Usingmyindoorvoice]

That is so hard but you are allowed some self care here, so if it’s easier to skirt around, just do it. Light and love coming your way, from a community fan xxxx