To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

No don't see them. I would imagine there are only certain people you want to see/want them to see you at this point so don't waste your limited energy on people who don't deserve it. Surround yourself with people whose presence helps you in some way and who bring you comfort by being there for you and with you. Maybe your mum could say the drugs have brought on Tourette's and you can't be responsible for what you might say if they appeared.
Will be thinking about you and hope your remaining time is as peaceful and comfortable as possible and you can be lifted up by the company of those who you do wish to see.

Lol, I'd entertain the fuckers for the sake of your Mum. It's not usual to lose a child. She'll be utterly lost without you. And if you have grandparents alive you're in your 30's at the most?
I'd have a last giggle with winding them up (do you have a sister? Myself and my sister never get up to any good).

Do exactly what you want to do.
It's not unreasonable to conserve your energy when you don't have any to spare.

So sorry . You get to call the shots here, your mum can simply say you are very weak so visitors are being restricted. If they are genuine Christians they will understand! I have people who want visitors to the end and others who want nobody, it's very personal - often they have asked me to take notes of what they want at their funeral which is a huge privilege.

Death vultures. Excellent description, TheMamaYo. I'm sorry you've encountered them so much.

Right. I'm starting to nod off in between typing words so probably bedtime for me!

Thank you again for your replies. My mum has read some. We will talk about it properly tomorrow. They have never been great parents to her and I think she suffers from FOG.

Goodnight everyone.

YANBU at all! It's your decision who you want to spent the short time you have left with and should not be expected to appease selfish family members.
My thoughts and prayers are with you OP.

Is there a time period of the day where you have a nice deep sleep. Maybe invite them for that time period they won’t want to stay long once they’ve ticked visit off the list. Just for your peace because it’s obviously getting you down and you don’t want it weighing on your mind.
Or if you are feeling particularly mischievous you could pretend the drugs have brought on amnesia and spend the whole trip asking them who they are

We found out my father was terminal and he died less than a month later. He’d been hiding his symptoms I imagine. All and sundry came out of the wood work. People he hadn’t seen in forever. The circus animal description is apt.

I know this is a less popular view. However I don’t agree with being completely selfish. Your parents are human and their emotional needs should also be considered. Their child is dying. Even if you look at it from a selfish POV, they will be able to better care for you and be more emotionally available to you if they don’t have any unnecessary added stress. Therefore if the stress of fobbing their parents off is too great then I think you should also be considerate of their feelings. If otoh they are ready willing to tell your gps to piss off then that’s great and you then don’t need to see them again.

What I’m saying is sometimes people can be present even when they’re absent. So my advice would be to make a decision, which gives these people the least amount of power and takes the least amount of emotional energy from all of you.

so sorry to hear about this.and an added stress you don't need is not helpful eh.
I would say two things.
I would say firstly no.for the reasons you gave they don't deserve your precious time nor energy.and if it causes you distress then even more not.
buuuuut...if you think they will cause trouble for your mum then could you do it and your thinking is lightened knowing you are doing this for her and so that brings you nice feeling not that your doing it for dckhead relatives. because even for your mum its still wrong but its still you working as a team on this together rather than rewarding their behaviour if that makes sense.
so you would be choosing them.youd be choosing your mum
but talk to her.let her be open and you too and do what best.

I am sorry they haven't helped you all though.what shits

Sometimes, people just don't know what to say when someone is terminal. Their empathy may appear crap but that does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what the right thing to do or say is. Just consider that, but whatever you want is what you need and you should not even be put in in a position to consider any relationship dynamics at this point.

My heart goes out to you, say what you need/want and everyone else around you should be taking care of that by now, without bothering you.

If ever there is a time that your opinion matters more than anything, it is now. Do not let them visit if you do not actually want to see them.

Very sorry to hear of your situation op, I'm not really sure what else to say, I hope you can be peaceful and comfortable, all the best x

You don't owe anyone anything OP. This is the time you act selfishly with no remorse. No one should be burdening you with their feelings.

I send my love and my respect and peace to you at such a difficult time.

I’m smiling at the posts about giving the visitors what for under the guise of “Off her face on drugs” but if what I know of you is correct, I don’t think harsh words are your thing.
But you could always have a pint of Guinness and some peanuts a couple of hours before the visit and get your revenge in an eyewateringly more subtle way. Who could be heartless enough to flinch at your flatulence?
Get your Mum to straighten the covers and waft the miasma about too while they’re there.

I'm on the "fuck 'em" bus.

Peace

Your call, totally, Budgie
'Budgie has requested no more visitors and wants the house to be quiet'
Having worked in oncology and many hospitals I recognise the 'death tourists', the ones who come in large numbers to just sit and watch.
And probably eat and drop crumbs but do nothing useful
Thoughts with you and your circle of support.

I think you absolutely get to be a zilla now Budgie! Own being a deathbed-zilla and only have the people around you that YOU want. Sending love and light to you xxx

No darling, illness or not you are not here to appease other people and make them comfortable. Your time should be spent doing what you want with who you love when energy allows. Sending you much love x

Oh, love.

I lost my beautiful sister not so long ago and your fiestiness reminds me on her.

She was bed bound at the end and we went to every effort to protect her from unwanted visitors. Aunts we hadn't had any contact with for ages wanted to visit. I contacted them and said sister was very drowsy and wouldn't know they were there, it would be best to leave it.

We too felt people wanted to come and look, and she had been bed bound for 5 months when we lost her, she had failed badly and no longer wanted people, bar close family and her best friend, to see her.

I don't know who you are, but I wish you a peaceful journey, and when you get there, give my darling sister a massive hug.

You should only have people around who bring you some joy.

I'm so sorry budgie. I think your time is your own and it is your choice, I think the role of close family is to act as a gatekeeper, and just explain nicely that at this stage you are too poorly for visitors and it's not how you want to be remembered, that's completely fair enough.

I agree what you say about length of visit as well, it is difficult to get people to just come for a short visit. When my mum has cancer she said she used to find looong visits from less close friends / neighbours so exhausting as they never took the hint to leave, it's as if people want to get their money's worth if they've made the effort to visit.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers

They've had enough headspace already, try to put them out of your mind. They probably won't he helpful to your mum no matter what you do.
If they are churchy types, your mum could say "Budgie is too weak for visitors but she would like it if you prayed for her". Prayer doesn't need proximity, so maybe they could organise a prayer group at church, if attention-seeking is their thing.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this and I too wish you a peaceful death when the time comes.

It’s amazing how some people can make someone else’s most personal situation all about them. And I am really sorry you’ve got people making this crappy situation worse for you.

Personally I would just say no. But Well, this is one other idea. If you think you really should let them visit briefly for the sake of your mum, then perhaps you could be “drifting in and out of consciousness” during their visit because it turns out you’re not having a good day, have a choice line or two you get out before you immediately drift out again and do it when a nurse is there so she can be on standby to bundle them out after 5 minutes.

One line that springs to mind is “it’s ok, I forgive you”. They don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and so will be horrified that you said something like that when they have no opportunity to argue back (because remember you’ve drifted out of consciousness straight away) But they can tell their friends they went and your mum didn’t block them.

Op hope you feel reassured . Your going through the most challenging time . I cannot begin to imagine your emotional termoil . Please put yourself first and do whatever makes YOU feel better and happier . For me this would be my mum and dad sisters and brother . Time is precious as you no , don’t waste it xx

You are not being unreasonable. Spend your time with those that matter xx

All that matters is that your wishes are respected and you are at peace and as comfortable as you can be. I agree with another person who said that your mother can say you are not up to visitors at the moment as you are too tired or unwell that way you are softly saying no. I’m sure your mother will be happy with your decision ultimately xxx