To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

No you are not bring unreasonable OP.

Sending you much love.

When my FIL was very ill my MIL would not let anyone outside of her, his children, his sisters and grandchildren and his best friend visit. He had said he only wanted to spend his time with family and she patrolled the house so no one else got in. And he had a huge extended family, neighbours etc but all were kept away.

It is your time and I’m sure your mum wants to spend it just with you. When my darling mum was dying we did not even bring our children to her - she was too tired and would not have wanted the upset even though she adored them and they her.

What matters at this point, is you and only you. Wishing you peace x

This is one of those situations which is cut and dried: your wishes should be respected and there is really no other consideration. It doesn't matter what these relatives did or didn't do, or even what reason you have for not wanting to see them. It's entirely your call.

Their wish to visit certainly sounds as if it's for their benefit and not your own. In your situation you are under zero obligation to entertain this, and the last thing anyone should be doing is putting you under pressure of any kind.

Wishing you peace, positivity and comfort, OP. I'm truly sorry.

I promise I'm not evil!

It is entirely your call, not your mum's yours! Your mum has to respect that! They are want to visit for their own selfish reasons and not to see you, and more importantly, you don't want to see them, and should not have to.

You do what you bloody well want to do stuff them (admittedly slightly harder knowing their GP's but you come first here, not them and not your mum).

Wishing you love, light and peace xxx

I don’t think it’s a dilemma at all. If you don’t want to see them then your mum should be supportive of your decision no matter what she thinks of it. Ffs if people can’t respect the wishes of someone terminally ill it says a lot more about them.

*they're

I know what a lovely kind person you are.

If you can possibly stand it I would let them come for a short time for your parents sake. Tell your parents you only want them there for a short time and then doze. If you refuse totally it might stress you more worrying about your parents.

In the end it is your choice and there is no right or wrong answer.

No. Decline. The good ones will understand. If they don't, they aren't good enough to see you anyway.

YANBU at all. Sorry to hear about your illness and prognosis.

Even if they weren't unpleasant, you're not obliged to see anyone. A friend of mine died a few years back from secondary breast cancer. She wanted her friends around during her first round of cancer treatment, but second time round when she knew hte diagnosis was terminal, she just wanted quiet time with her family in the few months she had left, and didn't tell anyone - her husband told us after her death. Some people did complain that they felt hurt, but I think most of us understood that she wanted to spend what little energy she had left on the people who matttered most - her husband and children.

Even nice visitors take energy - you feel obliged to "jolly them along" because they are upset. And that's something you don't necessarily feel able to deal with.

When they are tossers, I don't see why you should even try.

I think it’s understandable to not want to see them but I wonder if there’s any compromise in that perhaps limiting their time and frequency e.g. 10 minutes only because you’re too tired? Only you can know if they’re truly horrible people or “just” misguided and unsupportive. That said, I don’t think anyone should judge you as we’ve not been in your shoes. I am sorry for what you are going through and know words are not always adequate.

So sorry - OP. Thinking of you. This is completely your prerogative . When my father was terminally ill, he didnt want to see certain people and so they were told that he was too ill for visitors.

Do your drugs make you foul mouthed and completey off your rocker? That could be an opportunity to have some fun with them

On a serious note I am so sorry for the card you have been dealt. I love that you have your sense of humour. Iss there anyway to speak to your mum and ask her to assist with keeping any visit short to say 10 mins and then you pretend to conk out for a good snooze where she then ushers them out?

YANBU at all to not want to see them. It doesn’t sound as if they have a history of being supportive to you or your mum, and as you say, they only want to visit to make themselves feel better.

However, I can see why you might be contemplating letting them visit to make life easier for your mum. Will they be there for her and the rest of your family in the future? Will they be able to support them in their grief (I suspect the answer is ‘no’)? I think if it’s something your mum really, really wants then I might consider it, but my instinct would be to say no.

no your not bu at all-i cant stand people turning up trying to look god and how distraught they are

its up to you at the end of the day and if theyve never been supportive why would you

Sorry to read your story OP. I say fuck them. Your needs trump others.

If they're people you know and like, yes. If not. No.
The only person I saw before she died was my grandmother. I have to say that as a grown woman it saddened me.
It's not something you want the local gossips talking about at church. Praying for the forgiveness of your soul etc.

It’s totally up to you who can see you and when. Do what you want when you want and don’t worry about others xxx

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I was expecting more anger, what with it being AIBU and all! Especially with a drip feed.

Anyway, thank you. I am mostly comfortable, and my parents and hospice nurses are caring for me amazingly.

There wouldn't be any sort of confrontation about it. Just snide comments and little digs for many years. They won't be of any help to my mum after my death either way.

So far we have fobbed them off with me not being well enough, but the trouble is that I have been having visits from other family members (we have a big family) who I do actually want to see.

Thank you for all your different perspectives. It has been cathartic to write it all out, and it helps to know that people don't think I'm evil for even contemplating not seeing them :)

Obviously I need to work on my disguise though

What Ineedachange said. Please yourself OP. Your mum will understand I'm sure.
I am so sorry you're so ill. Wishing you peace.

It's a good opportunity to practice forgiveness, perhaps see them now, not later.
I wish you happiness and peace xx

It would be tempting to have them visit and pretend to be slightly delirious while they are there. You could say all sorts pretending not to recognise them, i.e. 'those fuckers who blanked me at Christmas had the cheek to want to visit but I said no way was I going to let them cos they'd only use it to big themselves up and make everyone think they're fucking wonderful grandparents' Then drift off to sleep.

But otherwise I wouldn't have them next nigh or near me and I'd let other visitors know why.

Wishing you peace - which is more important than anyone else's feelings at this time xx

If ever there was a time for pleasing yourself, it is now. Do not spend your time on people who drain you, spend it with those who will make you smile and who will be with you because they love you.

It's probably about an hour's drive each way, so I'm not sure how short a visit we could realistically limit them to.