To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

I’m so sorry for your illness. I do agree with you in that it probably is to tell people. But and this is a big but would they be any comfort for your mum once the time has come? If you genuinely think they won’t help her or your family then I’d be inclined to say no. Then again if they were true family they would support both you and your mum regardless of what you decide.

I’m so sorry Your wishes should absolutely be respected.

Delurking to say Budgie was so so kind to me when our paths crossed a few years ago. I am another that thinks of you everyday. Your kindness, gentleness and beautiful spirit will be so missed on MN. As a PP said I wish you the gentlest of journeys.

I met you once. I'm glad I did. Go on your own terms and keep shining. Your mum and dad sound lovely.

You have every right to tell your parents you can't cope with a visit from your grandparents. They don't have to get into any discussion with them about it. Your wishes should override anyone else's.

You are one brave lady, struggling to find the words you deserve. (Ps I don't know you, just from reading this thread)

Sending you love, light and peace 💖🥰🥰🥰

You have done absolutely nothing to bring this on yourself don't even think that!
You are the most wonderful kind person. I value and respect you so much and you have been the voice of reason within many a discussion.
The fact that you are once again being selfless in considering your mum's feelings before your own shows how amazing you are. I don't think i could do that.

@Budgieonaglass, I'm sorry that life has dealt you such shit cards but you sound an amazingly strong and compassionate lady.

I hope 'the visit' is as brief and stressless as you plan.

for you and your family but not the self-serving grandparents .

I'm glad that you were able to discuss it with your Dad and he has promised to help out if they do show up.

I also recognise the "gallows humour" - I used to work in hospitals, it's rife among staff there.

But I'm still sad for you and your family that this is now your path.

Wow Budgie even with the impending prospect of death you are still thinking of others. Your strength and bravery are shining through. I would not even have them at my funeral. Why the hypocrites should think they should go when they were so bad to you in life, crocodile fake tears.

There's no right or wrong here. It really is up to you whether or not you want then to visit. From what you've said I probably wouldn't bother with them either. If you have limited time left then why spend it with people like that?

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation OP xx

@Budgieonaglass - you are an absolutely amazing person, and the strength you are showing at the moment is incredible. My heart nearly broke when you spoke of the pain you are shortly going to cause your parents. As a parent myself I am 100% sure that they wouldn't want you to think this. It isn't you causing the pain - it is the illness.

I check in to see how you’re doing every day budgieonaglass . I haven’t been lucky enough to meet you but you have made a huge impact on me and will continue to impact my life after your death.

You aren’t causing your parents pain. The illness, the unfairness and crappy universe are causing all of you suffering and loss in different ways. The joy and pride and love you have brought into your parents’ lives is enormous, I promise you.

I’m glad your dad is onside. Your parents must be so proud. And that sounds so trite.

You are thoughtful, kind, selfless, mature beyond your years. You are facing this with dignity and integrity.

What a loss to your grandparents not to have been involved in your life.

WhiteDust your nanny sounds lovely. I'm sorry she's no longer with you your post reminded me of my Nana. She apologised to me and my sister on her deathbed that she wasn't very interesting for us to visit!

Sadly both she and my paternal grandad have died, but they treated my mum as one of their own so hopefully that helped a bit to make up for her own parents' failings.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Nobody has said anything further. I think my mum might be deliberately not mentioning it so that she doesn't have to actively make the decision. I'm not going to bring it up again. I'll wait and see how things go. It has really helped to know others would feel the same way as me. Sorry not to reply to every post. I just don't have the energy. But I'm grateful to each and every one of you

You sound like such a caring person and so do your parents. I am so pleased that you have what’s really important when it counts the most. This is why you have this incredible emotional generosity, probably. I hope all three of you find peace of mind and comfort with each other and still get a giggle in each day, regardless of whether the nasty GPs pop in for extra reward points on their “Go to Heaven Cards”. You know what matters.

No need to apologise for not answering every post! Nobody expects you to, you've got far more important things to do.

But I'm glad we've helped to put your mind at rest.

All the best. x

If they were really going to punish my mum and i could tolerate their presence, i'd let them come but just be asleep/pretend to be asleep to avoid actual conversation

Sorry to hear about your overall situation OP - good luck

Dear Budgie
Sorry to hear your poo news.

I wish you a peaceful time filled with the fun and good people who you love. your grandparents? Well they're a bit dim aren't they... I think this is the time to be supremely self-centred .. No Budgie isn't well enough and only wants to see close people... repeated ad nauseum. If they discover others have visited.. Let them scratch their heads.

You display such bloody courage!

Hope you find a whole load of others on the other side with cocktails (or other drink of your choice) waiting for you!
All love and light

De-lurking to say you sound absolutely amazing

I think you are so brave and I wish you a peaceful journey. If you tell your Mum how to find us on here, We will all support her for you.

Massive hugs Budgie, you are amazing. Hope your mum has seen sense. No need to apologise

Another random here in awe of your bravery and selflessness and humour.

I am sorry that you are facing these difficult decisions at this stage of your life. I do think the choice should be yours and yours alone, based on what would make you happy.

It is so hard - I am facing the slow decline of my OH into the end of life; and already I know two people who will be round like vultures when that time comes and I feel cross in advance - not very charitable of me, but where are these very old "friends" now when I am up to my eyes in the carer role and need help?

Sorry to hijack your thread with that grumble and gripe; but it bugs me.

You, like my OH, own your own life, especially as it draws to a close., and your choices should be respected.

May your passing be gentle. X X x

My godness you sound like one special brave lady x