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AIBU?

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Original poster

To decline deathbed visitors?

368 replies

Budgieonaglass · 10/03/2019 20:34

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me Confused

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/03/2019 11:39

You have raised an incredible person

Yes! Make sure MummyBudgie reads this please!

Reaa · 11/03/2019 11:44

I'm in agreement with a lot of others on here, MummyBudgie, you really have raised an incredible person.

OverFedStanley · 11/03/2019 11:49

I agree with applesinmypocket You are an amazing women and always put others before you. I feel that this is one time in your life you can do what is best for you.

The fact that you are worried about this is another example of you being just so awesome.

I also would not have them if it were me and as also said above if they do not understand huh more fools them.

FuzzyPuffling · 11/03/2019 12:00

I know you. You know me. I call them "Coffin Followers" and you know my views on them!

Stay peaceful, and whatever you need to do that is important. Very important.

Much love xx

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/03/2019 12:01

There are two times in a woman's life where she should do and say and have exactly what she wants and nothing else. One is during labour, and the other is in death.

At both times there should also be copious amounts of Really Good Drugs.

You please yourself.

10IAR · 11/03/2019 12:04

Also yes to everyone saying Mummybudgie is awesome, I wholeheartedly agree (and Dadbudgie too)

Missingstreetlife · 11/03/2019 12:08

So sorry op. My good friend did this recently, we all understood and sent texts, cards etc instead. We still went to funeral to pay our respects, support family, share grief and show love.
Have you got doctor, nurse, Macmillan support or other relative to support your decision, help your mum to understand. You don't need this pressure now. Mum can just explain it's too late now, ask them to send a card. Hope you are comfortable. If your mum can't cope she might get counsellling or you might get respite care or outreach support from a hospice. I hope you get the end you wish for, tho it is too soon.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 11/03/2019 12:10

Also, there is the truth that if you do this to please your mum she has to live on knowing that you didn't really want to.

She can gift you your doing exactly what you want with your time. It's a gift for you both.

I suspect she'll get peace from that in the future.

Hope today is a good one for you.

dreamyflower · 11/03/2019 12:10

So sorry. Just wanted to say you are not being unreasonable. You will be in your bed and at your most vulnerable. You certainly shouldn't have to endure an uncomfortable experience for the sake of some people who haven't bothered until now. Could your parents say you are just too unwell for visitors? It sounds like you are if you can only stay awake a few hours. Why waste them on people you don't want to see. Sending warm thoughts. X

JimCricket · 11/03/2019 12:12

I am so sorry that you are going through this 😢

I think you should do whatever gives you peace

MerryInthechelseahotel · 11/03/2019 12:25

A unanimous YANBU budgie so many of us here wishing peace and comfort for you and your family Thanks

Sparkletastic · 11/03/2019 12:31

Deciding not to see them might actually help your mum to move out of her FOG. Setting a positive example as it were. And it might just make your GPs reflect for an instant on their behaviour and how it has not served them well.

Solo · 11/03/2019 12:36

Budgie Flowers. I'm sorry for your situation and shortened life; I hope it has been a good one.

When my Dad was terminally ill, his sister - one up from him wanted to visit him; this was days before his passing. The sister had spent 46+ years slagging my Mum off along with an older sister but, my Mum was gracious and said that it was entirely my Dad's decision and so, my aunt arrived by taxi (she had Parkinson's disease). She was made welcome by myself and my Mum, I made her lunch as she hadn't eaten and as I was going shopping for my Mum and Dad, I picked up a few things for her too. I then took her home. All very nice, you'd think. Well, within hours, she'd phoned the other surviving sister and told her that my Mum was starving my Dad (he could barely eat anything but, certainly was not starved), he was freezing cold with the window wide open (it was August and Dad's choice) and generally was so nasty. The second aunt phoned my Mum and Dad and barraged her with disgusting insults. It hurt my Dad a lot and when he passed, we did not tell the sisters until after the funeral which was 3 weeks afterward. That was Dad's choice.

*Budgie, it is all your choice. You choose. It's unlikely that your grandparents are going to turn into different people after they visit with you, to either you or your Mum. My aunt certainly did not.

I wish you the most peaceful of passings, whenever that may be and with whomever you choose to be with at that time.

thegreylady · 11/03/2019 12:47

I recognise you too love and I feel you would not be unreasonable at all. Right now your emotional comfort is as important as your physical comfort. I am sure your parents understand.

Member984815 · 11/03/2019 12:51

Save your energy for the people you want to see

HermioneWeasley · 11/03/2019 12:51

How you spend your precious remaining time should be for your benefit.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Wishing you peace and comfort

Seaweed42 · 11/03/2019 12:51

Like you say these people won't be 'taught a lesson' no matter what you do. They have their own beliefs about you and the situation and will turn that to suit themselves. Will keeping them away achieve anything?
If there's any half way house with this - could you have them visit when you know you'll be asleep!

Aeroflotgirl · 11/03/2019 13:03

There is no two ways, why should Budgie compromise, sh does not want those at her death bed who ignored her a few months ago, just so it makes them feel better.

WellThisIsShit · 11/03/2019 13:04

I believe VERY strongly that people like this should not be indulged or allowed to push their way into a situation which really is not about them.

You sound wonderful by the way. I hope your last days are filled with peace and gentleness, and of course, love Flowers Flowers Flowers

justasking111 · 11/03/2019 13:07

I worked at a hospice the nurses would fend off visitors all the time. You have a right to privacy and enjoyment of your time limited or not.

HappyAxolotyl · 11/03/2019 13:17

I too recognise you, although I have never posted on any of your threads.
You are the same age as one of my daughters, and I feel there is no way you should even be giving this headspace.
Just. Say. No.
They have squandered their chances, and do not deserve to be invading your precious time with your parents and sibling now.
Budgie, you come across as being the very essence of care and kindness. You deserve the gentlest and most peaceful death.
Much love to you and yours. X

Abra1de · 11/03/2019 13:31

Budgie I’m another secret admirer of yours and just wanted to say that I think of you every day.

🌸🧀

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/03/2019 13:44

BTW, we have not spoken before (others on here obvs have), but I just wanted to wish you a pain free situation and I feel very much for you and your parents. So many thoughts are with you, be aware of that xxx

Original poster
Budgieonaglass · 11/03/2019 14:39

Argh dammit I lost my reply! It took so much energy. Grr.

Thank you for all the lovely comments since my last post. I can't reply to all of them, but I am very grateful :)

dreamyflower I do feel incredibly vulnerable in my bed. I physically cannot escape, which is quite a scary feeling. Not that I need to as I am well looked after.

I'm going to try and speak to my dad alone to see what he thinks. He's not fussed about seeing them so it would only be if he felt it would really benefit my mum.

Everyone is generally putting my needs and wants first, but my parents are going through this too and their needs are also very important so if the benefit to my mum is of greater magnitude than the "harm" to me (I know it won't actually cause me harm, but I can't think of the right word!) then I'd be willing to put up with it.

There's no point even trying to confront them about behaviour or make any hints about it. They will never accept they've done anything wrong, even tiny mistakes are blamed on anyone else.

Anyway, thank you again Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Budgieonaglass · 11/03/2019 14:42

Oh yes a few things I forgot...

No, whatever happens now won't affect snide comments or level of support/interest in the future. My mum is a wonderful person, but it will never be good enough for them Angry

My concern was more that other family members might disagree with our decision so might also be off with my mum, whereas usually they all get on well. I

OP posts:
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