To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

Not gonna lie, when I’m on y death bed gonna tell everyone what I’d thought of them, the ones that never gave a shit. It’s your life your decision, it’s up to you who you see.

How sweet of you to be so concerned about your mum at a time when you’re entitled to be so selfish. I agree with PPs, it’s your time, you should spend it with who you choose. I hope I’m as ballsy as you when my time comes. Wishing you peace and no more pain.

Your courage is truly amazing. You’re an inspiration.

I think the easy answer is to say to do what you like, your time is precious but life is more complicated and it’s clearly not that simple in your case due to the lovely relationship you seem to have with your parents.

I think speaking to your dad / mum is the best way forward.

Bless you and your family. Sending you my love and hope for peace x

Sending you much love. Forget about seeing people you don't want to. Spend your time with those who make you happy. 🥰

I know you have little time left, and you don't want to waste it. There is a really interesting episode of BoJack horseman that deals with this. It's a weird show, but hits some hard truths. A dying man refuses to accept an apology just because he is on his deathbed as he knows that the apology is only for the other person's sake, not there's. It's rather powerful.

Direct YouTube link for just that scene should you wish. Entirely reasonable to do what you want.

Ps clip is only 90secs

Could you write 2 lists?

1. a list of friends and family that you do want to see

1. a list of people you don't want to see - including them at the top (make up some names of extra people if they are the only ones on that list)

(in handwriting so it was known to come from you or typed in large font)

That way, if you then pin/blue tac both lists to the wall above your bed.

All of your visitors will know that you decided you didn't want them to visit. So then the grief vultures couldn't say it was your mum or dad's fault or lay any blame onto them

Perhaps write underneath each list that you and your parents do not want to discuss your reasons for the lists either now or at a later date

They are just told that they are not on your list of people you want to see (maybe say that week if you want to soften the statement) or if not just that they are not on your list

Good idea SubisYodrethwhenLarping; but I'd laminate them and stick them on the front door.

Spoke to my dad about it. If my mum will be upset/feel bad after my death because we didn't invite them, then we will grin and bear it for her sake. My dad would stay by my bedside permanently and they'd only be allowed into "my" room briefly to say hello. Ideally not even sitting down. Then back to the kitchen with my mum.

It's not what I'd choose if it was just me. But families are complicated and I'll be dead soon so it won't really affect me.

I certainly won't sit and make small talk with them or allow them to kiss/hug me. (My dad will be on bodyguard duty!). And no praying/religious stuff.

I'm getting weaker every day so maybe the silver lining will be that I die before we are able to arrange a visit

I'm so sorry you're so unwell, hoping your last days are as comfortable as can be xx

You have steer of your days left on earth. Make it as peaceful and enjoyable as you can with the people that love you. Don't feel obliged to waste your breath or energies on stress and people that don't add joy to your life. I don't visit my fil he is dying and he is still a complete utter wanker. Tbh, he doesn't want people around him and we don't need to put up a pretence. Thank goodness he and his family recognise that.

May your last days be peaceful and filled only with people you love. You owe your grandparents nothing. Xx

Well, that’s a strange kind of positive

If you manage a visit then it would be a kind thing for your mum. If not then those fuckers are just going to have to suck it up.

Either way it sounds like you’ve got your parent’s support

Budgie you are ace! Properly ace, and I am honoured to be your friend

Haha, morbid sense of humour. Perhaps request your more bolshy father to read it out at the funeral?

'I was so glad I died when I did, as I would have had to have seen a lot more of you I wished would have stayed away if I had lasted a couple more weeks'.

And let them all wonder who it was aimed at.

I think I know who you are, and if I am right than all I can say is you need to care about yourself right now.

As you say, you are the one who is currently on their death bed

You are the one who is terribly ill, even when medicated.

It’s not down to you to validate your grandparents guilt of not being the doting grandparents

I know you feel for your mum but honestly, I’m sure she would rather put you first

I bloody love your dad budgie

Annoyingly I think I'll also have to ask one of my trustworthy relatives to be on grandmother duty at the funeral. She has a tendency to drink too much and make inappropriate speeches. She's really upset other people in the past. My mum is the only one of her children who intervenes (everyone else just says that's how she is and laughs it off) and obviously she won't be able to. My sister would happily give her a piece of her mind, and I wouldn't blame her at all, but it could then create a rift. Hopefully one of my cousins will be able to keep my grandmother quiet.

I am trying to put myself first, I promise. But it's hard to explain just how hideous the guilt is for the fact that I'm about to cause so much pain to my parents.

I cannot even roll over in bed without needing to catch my breath afterwards. So there's very little I can do to help. But this is one thing that I could do that might make life even slightly less unbearable for them afterwards then I'd do it.

Obviously it's irrational. I didn't do anything to cause this and there's nothing I can do about it. My parents have repeatedly reassured me. But there's still a little nagging voice in the back of my mind somewhere.

Oh sweetheart. Its because youre a good person. Thats shown in all your posts. I have no words.

I am sorry for it all xxx

Stay strong OP, it's wonderful that you can put up with a quick visit purely for your mum's sake. Your dad sounds brilliant.Wishing you lots of calmness, keep your chin up. You're positivity in this sad situation is so admirable

My lovely Nanny (grandmother) tried her very hardest to give me and my (at the time) little girl every ounce of her remaining energy when she was very very poorly and in bed. She drifted in and out and would sing to us and chatter away as much as she could. However, she promptly 'fell asleep' the minute her awful cousin & and her horrible husband visited/ entered the room and 'woke up again' when they left.
It made us smile. Your choice OP. ❤️

Budgie I don't know your 'other name' but you sound amazing, as does your Dad. I wish you strength and peace in your last days

Hi Budgie - been lurking for years, enjoying all sorts of stuff, but never arsed to join up - until now. Just had to join in with admiring your consideration for your mum, loving the candidness of your posts, and just wanna send love to you!