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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To decline deathbed visitors?

368 replies

Budgieonaglass · 10/03/2019 20:34

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me Confused

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

OP posts:
Sweetbabycheezits · 11/03/2019 14:47

Hell no!! No way should you accept visitors just to be nice...fuck that. Accept those visitors that were in it for the long haul, who will make you smile and bring you comfort with the time you have left. You don't have to be nice or accomodating for anyone if you don't feel like it.💐

HazardGhost · 11/03/2019 14:54

Other relatives can't argue with you as it's your decision not theirs. Anyone who even tries to make aggro for your mum is an absolute ass. It'll be helpful for your mum to find out in that case!

❤

kaytee87 · 11/03/2019 14:54

To make things easier for your mum would you be willing to write a letter that clearly states that not seeing them is your choice?

I'm sorry you're dying op, that really fucking sucks. Especially as you're young enough for your grandparents still to be around.

I hope your passing is peaceful and pain free Thanks

Crockof · 11/03/2019 14:59

I didn't allow extended family at my child's funeral because they were grief tourists, they have never met my children and showed no interest in life so they were banned from attending. So I think you should say no, you need to spend your remaining time doing things that you want.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 11/03/2019 15:01
Flowers Dont give headspace to God botherers who didn't show enough compassion or sensitivity to comfort you, your mum & dad earlier when they had the opportunity. They're only doing it now so they can tell their church and be seen to be "caring". Unfortunately some people feel the need to make other peoples' illness and dying all about themselves. It's your illness, your choice!
moglovesredroses · 11/03/2019 15:20

It's your choice not theirs. I'm sure your mum will not mind one but if you refuse them and may secretly be relieved
Please do what's best for you. Flowers

moglovesredroses · 11/03/2019 15:20

Not sure how at all was predictively changed to one Confused

prozacgirl · 11/03/2019 15:24

I think do what you know in your heart to be right for you, but so long as it gives you peace with the decision. I worry for you that a reaction might cause you stress and clearly is taking up head space at a time when you don't need it. Maybe you could forgive them for all their petty faults and just be asleep? I don't know. I think you must do what's right for you! Xxx

BlooperReel · 11/03/2019 15:30

Your time is exceptionally precious, so not waste a minute of it on disingenuous relatives who wish to only salve their own consciences.

Your mum will be fine, anyone being 'off' with her about your decisions, how you spend your last days, is a knob jockey of the highest order.

Flowers
Happynow001 · 11/03/2019 15:36

Budgie has requested no more visitors and wants the house to be quiet'

This! And I'm so sorry that in what is absolutely your time that you're having to give headspace to such negative behaviour. I agree it seems very unlikely they would limit their visit just to 10mins and would make things difficult for your mother whatever decision you came to. Perhaps your dad and siblings if you have them can help your mum now and afterwards.

May you have a calm and peaceful passing Budgie. 🌹

Jux · 11/03/2019 15:39

I'm so sorry you're so ill.

My mum's best friend - best friend for over 40years - died of motor neuron disease. In the last 6 months she wouldn't allow my mum to visit her any more. She wanted mum to remember her as she had been not the end when she was helpless and unable to speak. However, the best friend's family didn't cut mum out entirely, they kept in contact to ensure she knew what was happening and how her friend was. She was included and was able to support the children (adults) throughout.

When mum herself was dying, she had visits from everyone, even people who hadn't really bothered for some years. She lived with us and I felt a bit weird letting all these people in my house whom I barely remembered, some of whom had hurt mum's feelings dreadfully by dropping her (she married 'down', iyswim) but if she was OK with it then who was I to stand in the way?

People understand that at this point in life, it is what you want that matters.

Maybe your mum can keep them vaguely up to date, but tell them that you have so many appts with nurses etc that it's impossible to make a proper arrangement, that even if she did they would have to risk your being asleep or otherwise unfit to see them so the journey could very well be pointless. Presumably they would be put off by that. I'm sure your mum will be rich in supportive and loving people.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/03/2019 16:04

Awww Budgie, it always has to be what you want and need, stuff the rest. Massive hugs, you are so brave and wonderful FlowersFlowers

LuckyLou7 · 11/03/2019 16:17

Wishing you peace at the end of your life.

BlueRoseCase · 11/03/2019 17:55

I’m another secret fan of yours Budgie

You are a wise and compassionate woman who gives so much to others.

I can see that your support and friendship has been life changing for so many people on these boards.

I can’t tell you how much I admire your capacity to care and support, without a trace of bitterness despite what you’re going through.

You’re an inspiration and have given me a lot of perspective; you’re a shining star on these boards, and I imagine IRL.

If people can’t see this and act accordingly to the example you set them they’re not worthy of sharing your space or thoughts IMO.

I think your mum will understand. I have put off death bed visitors for a close family member and cared more about fulfilling my loved ones wishes than any impact on me. I think at this stage you (the ‘bystander’) can feel helpless. Being trusted with a loved ones wishes and carrying them out can really help I think.

Sending love and wishes for peace for you and your loved ones xxx

spaniorita · 11/03/2019 18:48

Yanbu - self pitying glory visitors will not be there to bring you comfort. I hope you are comfortable OP. All the best to you x

Susiesoap7 · 11/03/2019 19:02

Dearest budgie just echoing what everyone else has said, only do what is right for you and your family
I think of you everyday and say a little prayer for you each morning, you are a wise,wonderful human being
You will be missed by so many, and I pray you will have a gentle peaceful passing sending much love xxx

Tootyfilou · 11/03/2019 19:31

Another secret admirer agreeing with all that had been said. You have touched so many people on MN and made such a difference in circumstances where few people are able too.

Please put your wishes first. Sending all my love Flowers Flowers

shiningstar2 · 11/03/2019 19:44

Another admirer here Budgie. You've given so much to so many. Make whatever decision gives you peace. Think you are right to speak to your dad alone if you can. He will know what is best for your mum but I am sure all her focus is on you and she will want what you want.

Budgie's mum ...as others have said ...you have raised a remarkable person. You must be a very special person yourself.

Peace and love to you Budgie.

toastyarmadillo · 11/03/2019 20:18
Flowers
C8H10N4O2 · 11/03/2019 20:25

Oh Budgie, your time left is your own and should be spent how you want it and with whom you want.

This is not selfish, I've fended off the death vultures from relatives and you really don't need it. You should not give your remaining time to those whose interest is solely themselves. If it helps your parents to be able to say "Budgie isn't well enough for visitors" then let them say it but don't have them to visit.

Flowers
lilmishap · 11/03/2019 20:34

Be honest with your mum, the small comfort of knowing she did right by you will stay with her for life.
Snide comments from them won't sully that, although when the awkwardness is happening and it doesn't break her heart, it may even give your mum cause to congratulate herself for following your wishes when it mattered most.

TooManyPaws · 11/03/2019 21:14

Budgie, your time is your own precious thing to be spent with those you love. Don't let the god botherers push their way in through your kinsdness; they had their chance at Christmas and blew it. As they sow, so shall they reap. When my mother was severely disabled from a series of strokes and in a home, a church friend would bring her communion but never visit to talk; another church friend visited regularly until Mum no longer recognised her. I was raging when, after Mum's death, I found out that people were talking about how "good" that first person was, visiting so often, as she had told everyone about her visiting; I knew who the true friend was as it wasn't her.

May your time here be peaceful and comfortable, may your journey be swift and easy, and may you be reunited with loved ones who have gone before. ❤️

Original poster
Budgieonaglass · 11/03/2019 21:50

Thank you again for your lovely message. I'm surprised so many people have recognised me. I hope you haven't mixed me up with someone else Blush

I've spent almost the whole day asleep, apart from when the nurses visited to do my medication. So if I'm like that again tomorrow I think we will definitely be avoiding visits from all but the closest family/friends.

I don't feel able to relax at all around them. They'll probably be judging me for being in my pyjamas in the daytime, and if I throw up or have a episode of breathlessness/coughing they will get all flustered and get in the way.

Due to my day long nap we haven't actually had a chance to discuss it all anyway. I'll see how things are tomorrow...

I do appreciate that people might not know what to say or do, especially those raised in a time when illness wasn't discussed. But actually just saying I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you or anything like that is better than nothing. Nearly everyone I know has had a least one friend or relative disappear after their diagnosis. It's a bit silly really. We often don't know what to say or do either! You don't get a patient's manual when you're diagnosed :)

As many of you have gathered there's a long history of why we are not close, but it's only since my diagnosis that I've decided that I'm not going to play the dutiful granddaughter if they don't make even the tiniest effort for me. Life is too short.

OP posts:
SurelyNotJustStirItUna · 11/03/2019 21:52

Budgie I'm so very sorry about your illness. You seem a lovely and selfless person.

All I know is you deserve to be as comfortable and peaceful as possible, you shouldn't do things you find uneasy just to appease them Thanks

Reaa · 11/03/2019 22:31

I'm not going to play the dutiful granddaughter if they don't make even the tiniest effort for me Life is too short

That says it perfectly Flowers

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