Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my DH is shouting at our baby??

122 replies

Shadow93 · 10/03/2019 20:18

Okay so, my DH is disabled with a chronic pain condition and struggles when our DC sit with him for cuddles or playing, I do the majority of playing and entertaining to help him not be too sore. There are times when I need him to hold/sort the youngest who is 5 and 1/2 months old and she is getting more mobile and can be quite boisterous. This evening I went to put dinner in the oven and he was holding her and she was getting upset and he was shouting at her that she didn't throw herself around on mummy and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate. I got annoyed about it and he acted like he had a right to behave that way. He also screams at our 3 yo when she misbehaves and has a short fuse when it comes to her behaviour. I'm not a pushover but I think kids need a little leeway. I'm not sure what to do cause he's very insecure and I don't want to make that worse, both myself and DDs adore him. Any ideas???? And AIBU to expect him not to shout at the baby??

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 10/03/2019 20:24

YANBU

Shouting at a baby is massively inappropriate and I would not be happy leaving any child of mine in the care of someone who behaves like that

Divgirl2 · 10/03/2019 20:24

YANBU. Shouting at babies is ridiculous, because they don't understand why you're shouting.

I don't have any advice unfortunately, but this must be incredibly difficult for you. I've been there - my DP was very very unwell and just didn't have the patience to cope with DS for a long time. It's a little better now but I'm still essentially a LP. I can't leave DS with, it wouldn't be safe.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/03/2019 20:27

You know shouting at babies is wrong. No ifs, no buts.

How is he insecure? Do you have to moderate how you and the DC behave in order to not upset him?

Babygrey7 · 10/03/2019 20:29

How can you adore someone who shouts at babies Confused

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/03/2019 20:32

if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate.

Of all the things you've typed, this is the worst. Any adult that uses the phrase "if you love me you'd..." needs to not be around children. Their behaviour isn't in any way tied to love or bond or relationship, nor should it be. Children need to know and feel absolute unlimited love from their caregivers, no matter their behaviour, particularly at 5 months old. He sounds awful.

MitziK · 10/03/2019 20:32

Baby gate between her and the kitchen. She can stay on the floor safely then.

He has to get seen for a reassessment of his pain meds/techniques, as they are clearly not working.

Oh, and you wouldn't be unreasonable to kick him out on the street in the pissing rain for shouting at babies. It's not that much of a step to hitting from that. And bollocks to whether that makes him feel insecure or not - he's crossing red lines there.

Stop shouting at babies, get more treatment or get the fuck out. If you still want him anywhere near them, that is. Cutting out the middleman and getting rid of the prick is perfectly reasonable, too.

Starlight456 · 10/03/2019 20:33

Re holding . Standing play stations are good for mobile babies.

I left my abusive ex when he scared my Ds as a baby and didn’t recognise he was scared as he had a startled look on his face. My ex had my issues. Some behaviours are not acceptable no matter what your personal issues

Original poster
Shadow93 · 10/03/2019 20:36

@FudgeBrownie2019 sort of, I just try to make sure not to plan anything that he would struggle with and try to ensure the DC aren't causing too much mayhem. He is insecure about whether he is a good dad and a good husband and generally a good human being, he requires a lot of reassurance I think because of issues with his DP and the way he was brought up

OP posts:
FurrySlipperBoots · 10/03/2019 20:36

A 5 month old needs a little leeway?! WTF! No, a 5 month old needs complete understanding, calm, kind and consistent love. So does a 3 year old come to that! His being in pain is irrelevant, he needs to understand the damage he's doing to his children.

BitchQueen90 · 10/03/2019 20:39

What the actual fuck?

Those words he used would be classed as emotionally abusive if said to an adult - "if you loved me you'd do this". Luckily the baby is too young to know any better but you need to nip this in the bud NOW. If he doesn't change then I'm sorry but I'd be leaving him. Insecurity isn't an excuse to be a dick.

lanclass1 · 10/03/2019 20:39

So much wrong in this it's frightening. Shouting at a baby? Do you know how utterly damaging that can be? Also the phrasing of it - 'if you loved me you would..' wtf?! He's worried he's being a shit dad and I certainly wouldn't be telling him otherwise based on this

ShaggyRug · 10/03/2019 20:40

He is NOT a good dad and a good husband and generally a good human being if he’s shouting at a baby accusing her of not loving him.

Protect your children.

Armadillostoes · 10/03/2019 20:40

Sorry, but yelling at a 5 month old baby is nasty. He is not a good Dad. Expecting a tiny infant to accommodate HIS needs? Just horrible.

BitchQueen90 · 10/03/2019 20:41

And you need to remember that protecting your children's feelings should me more important than protecting your DH's.

Onceuponacheesecake · 10/03/2019 20:42

Shouting and screaming at your children on a regular basis is abusive.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/03/2019 20:43

He is insecure about whether he is a good dad and a good husband and generally a good human being,

When he behaves like that no, he isn’t being a good father or husband.

Like a op said he needs to get his pain meds reviewed and is seriously recommend therapy for him to unpack and resolve his neediness/unmet parent needs. It is not his children’s job to fulfill these for him. Or yours for that matter

Absofrigginlootly · 10/03/2019 20:44

*like a pp said

MynameisJune · 10/03/2019 20:46

He’s abusive to your children but you ‘adore’ him? I’d be kicking his arse out of the door until he sorted himself out.

Treaclesweet · 10/03/2019 20:47

He's not insecure. He's abusive. He's not a good father or husband.
If someone loves you you shouldn't have to moderate yourself around them. Please don't subject your daughters to an abusive father. It will permanently emotionally damage them.

RedBerryTea · 10/03/2019 20:48

This really upsets me. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and you have to make it absolutely clear to your husband that verbally abusing your very young child and your baby stops now. My father was like this. He had rheumatoid arthritis and suffered chronic pain much of the time. He took out his frustrations on my brothers particularly - beating them (using a belt or a walking stick) and verbally abusing all 4 of us. It was terrifying to have a large man screaming at you at 4/5 years old. He died when we were aged between 10 and 3, but we have all been affected long-term by his behaviour. My eldest brother went on to have so much pent up anger that he lashed out at his own children (particularly his eldest), and his wife quite rightly divorced him. My younger brother suffers with anxiety and stomach upsets. Being in pain is no excuse for your husband's behaviour - you cannot leave them with him to suffer such abuse. Lay down what you are willing to accept from him OP, chronic pain or not.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 10/03/2019 20:53

I can’t believe you are making excuses for him. A 5 month old needs love and attention. Needing leeway? Wtf?!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 10/03/2019 20:55

he's very insecure and I don't want to make that worse, both myself and DDs adore him

Why is his insecurity more important than your baby's right to be treated with love and care? My DH had a pain issue which also caused depression and lead to very out of character horrible behaviour so I do have some very limited sympathy IF this is totally unusual and shocking behaviour for him, and if he has some self awareness and is willing to get help for his pain and ideally his parenting.

If not you need to consider what is the best environment for your dds to grow up in. Do you want them to marry a man that would treat them and their DCs this way? Because that is what is likely to happen. You might feel guilty given his disability but your responsibility to your daughters is far greater, and no illness is an excuse for this type of parenting

FizzyGreenWater · 10/03/2019 20:56

He is insecure about whether he is a good dad and a good husband and generally a good human being

which he should be, because he is not.

This is a tiny baby. Shouting anything is awful but coming out with that shit? WTF?

There needs to be a serious chat here because ill or not, he is being abusive to his children.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 10/03/2019 20:57

And no he is NOT a good father! I feel so sorry for your dc.

Pinkbells · 10/03/2019 20:57

I would never leave him alone with the children for a second, to be honest. There are warning signs here. What if he loses it while he's holding your little baby? Doesn't bear thinking about.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread