To be annoyed that my DH is shouting at our baby??

[Shadow93]

Okay so, my DH is disabled with a chronic pain condition and struggles when our DC sit with him for cuddles or playing, I do the majority of playing and entertaining to help him not be too sore. There are times when I need him to hold/sort the youngest who is 5 and 1/2 months old and she is getting more mobile and can be quite boisterous. This evening I went to put dinner in the oven and he was holding her and she was getting upset and he was shouting at her that she didn't throw herself around on mummy and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate. I got annoyed about it and he acted like he had a right to behave that way. He also screams at our 3 yo when she misbehaves and has a short fuse when it comes to her behaviour. I'm not a pushover but I think kids need a little leeway. I'm not sure what to do cause he's very insecure and I don't want to make that worse, both myself and DDs adore him. Any ideas???? And AIBU to expect him not to shout at the baby??

I cannot/would not want to leave him- we adore him because he is a good man and is mostly lovely. His pain is linked to his joints as they dislocate ALOT which is painful and I end up doing a lot of relocating for him. He would NEVER get physical with any of us as he knows that would be IT and he wouldn't see us again. I need to know how to have the conversation setting out my expectations of his relationship with DC as at the moment he is not meeting them ie. The shouting. He just needs to chill out a bit and stop over reacting to DC being normal if not boisterous kids but I think his pain makes it difficult. I slightly resent being made to feel like a bad mother here I'm doing my best to take care of all the people I care about. Any help?

My 4 year old fell over and dislocated my shoulder as she went down. My ten year old dragged it back in as she tugged on my arm to pull me back up. I said a loud of naughty words rather loudly - in my head, not at my children - who had been titting around in the first place, leading to me being left with a shit shoulder that still doesn't work properly sixteen years later.

I shouted at my children twice in their lives, both when they had endangered themselves, never when they had disobeyed, wriggled or hurt me, which they did frequently. They remember both times clear as a bell.

If you won't do anything about your husband, I hope the next development is that you get a knock on the door from Social Services because the next door neighbours have overheard his screaming or that nursery have been told 'Daddy was cross and yelled at the baby', not that you end up in A&E with a child who has unexplained injuries.

Constant pain is not an excuse for being abusive. It's not their fucking fault his joints are shit, any more than it is yours. It could well be that it's his fucking fault if either of your children have shit joints, though, as it's a genetic condition. Is it OK for him to scream at them if they're shitty with him because a) they're tiny and b) they've got exactly the same condition and are in pain themselves?

What to say? 'We both know that shouting at our babies is never ok. We are both going to make sure it never happens again. You need to think about how you can ensure that. I can help you put your plan into action but you need to make the plan. In the meantime, I am giong to rearrange things practically, so you do not need to hold the baby.'

I've had a bit of a similar situation. As others have said, he may we'll have some MH issues going on too. It's not a stretch to see how a chronic disability, plus sleep deprivation, plus feeling/knowing he can't be much help with the kids, plus guilt of yelling would equal anxiety. Untreated anxiety snowballs... Go see the GP and get a referral for counselling.

I feel for you as you're in an incredibly difficult position. It might be more of a relief for you if he agrees to removes himself when he's struggling. Go upstairs, go outside, go for a walk - whatever. In the heat of the moment, If he can formulate the sentence "if you loved me you'd.." he can put some CBT into practice and deploy a different response.

When his pain is bad, would he agree to (eg) staying one night pw at his parents house? That would give him a break, and give you a break from him. It doesn't have to mean the relationship is doomed, he's clearly struggling with the physical side of having a baby - but this stage passes. I think you need a frank and honest conversation about what is/isn't acceptable and, even though it leaves you a LP at points, that really is better than you becoming exhausted from damage control on top of exhaustion from being a mum of two.

Should you be annoyed??
YOU SHOULD BE MORE THAN ANNOYED! How dare he shout at a 5 month old baby. DISGUSTING

YANBU.
I also have a chronic pain condition and can at times be snippy with dd. But she is 11 and can now understand when I say "mummy's very sore and I need some time on my own". Also because I know I am short with her at times When I'm tired, in pain and angry I also make sure I am very vocal in telling her how much I love her, or if she is doing a good job etc.
The thing that bothers me about your dh is what he is saying. A 5 1/2 month old cannot know she is being "uncooperative", he's blaming her for perfectly normal baby behaviour and that is very worrying.

I'd suffer all day long to have a decent cuddle with my DC & to be able to play with them even just for half an hour a day. He wasn't in too much pain to make his kids!
He's a shit husband, shit dad and in short, a shit human

He has agreed that I do any telling off of 3yo and that 5mo should either go in her bouncer or highchair when I'm busy

So you know get to do all caring for the DCs as well as apparently for him. What on earth are you getting from this man that makes all this worth it?
You mention you're doing your best to meet everyone's needs, but he is an adult and pain and mh conditions or not, his needs come third behind the childrens' - and if you are the only one who can care for them, then your needs need to be prioritised too, or you are going to burn out.

You are clearly a very kind person who tries to care for everyone, or you wouldn't have found yourself in this position. Your children sound lovely too. Please put your dcs and yourself first. He needs to get help with his condition and with his parenting skills. If he won't or can't then it would seem best that he not live with the children until he is able to be your true partner on this

I think you're getting a hard time OP. Like it's that easy to walk away from an ill partner with two young children.

In the real world most parents lose their temper and shout from time to time especially when stressed or depressed. While it's not a good thing and an ideal world wouldn't happen I wouldn't call that abusive. Or that it makes you a terrible parent.

I guess the question is how often and how aggressively does he do it? And when he shouts what does he say?

What your DH said in the example you gave was wrong (and a bit strange) but I would have assumed tongue in cheek as OBVIOUSLY a 5mo wouldn't understand... But only you know your DH sense of humour.

He has agreed that I do any telling off of 3yo and that 5mo should either go in her bouncer or highchair when I'm busy. Well isn't he super.... Sorry but agree with above pp he is a shit all round, and l don't think we should be softening it for the OP. The fact that he is blaming a bloody 5 month old?! Not on, put your children first- said from perspective of Auto-immune affected, buggered joints person!

@nanbread yeah feels that way - this is the first time he's been shouty with the 5mo and it was I guess more of a shouty rant to himself- I have now told him that he needs to give his head a wobble and NEVER to shout at/around the baby but to put her in one of her chairs and walk away.
The 3yo has been shouted at a little more lately but it's generally no more than once a week if that but it is VERY loud and angry which is what I object to. Ive had words tonight and said he isn't allowed to tell her off and that I will use the "time out" method with her (like I usually do) and that if he feels her behaviour is not right then he should talk to me about it later and I'll figure it out. He is less relaxed about poor behaviour from the 3yo than me but I've told him that his shouting isn't helping and it's upsetting me and DC. He took it okay but was sad that was the case and has agreed, I'll see what happens hopefully there will be a bit more peace now

I would be worried too. I hope you never leave him alone with them because it sounds like he could easily lose his temper with your children if alone. I think it sounds like he needs to see a councillor to see what the root of it is as i think more to this than pain. Surely he knows you cannot stop a baby wriggling and shouting is going to make the child terrified of him in the long term. I suggest a baby bouncer or activity gym like a jumperoo for when you need to leave the room. This way your baby is safe and he should not shout at her.

Good for you OP and glad he knows you won't tolerate his abuse - which it is.

Babies cry, 3 year olds press buttons - shouting at them is never ok.

Ignore all the bad mum posts - you came here for advice and have took it onboard - as long as you follow through you're children have an amazing mum x

I've read your updates OP, and I think you've handled it really well. I haven't read all the other posts, but I'm horrified if people have actually called you names or implied you're a bad mother.

It's a tough situation, in which it sounds like you are more or less a single parent and trying your best to navigate being a wife to someone with chronic pain AND on the spectrum.

I'm glad you've put some boundaries in place. You're doing a good job, please ignore the negativity.

Be your children's advocate - this isn't acceptable behaviour

Is his condition treatable? Is his pain managed well?

To all those PPs saying get help with his condition, there is almost no help and no treatment available. It's just painkillers, and almost no Dr will prescribe them long term so you end up having to cope. Sleep deprivation makes it worse. For people with rare and poorly understood conditions it just isn't as simple as "get help". The only help you can get is about learning to cope with chronic illness and pain with CBT (And there was a 9 month waiting list for that when I did it). Well done OP really hope things work out for you.

Doctors do prescribe pain meds long term.
And no condition makes yelling at a baby ok. The kids won’t grow up thinking that daddy yelled at them and scared them but it’s not his fault as he was unwell.

It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time, OP, and I understand that you don’t want to leave him. There is also the pressure from society to stay with the ‘poor sick husband’, which may be affecting your decision?

I am concerned about you having to constantly reassure him, that he’s a good dad and husband. That sounds quite manipulative, if he’s doing the old, ‘I’m sorry, I’m worthless, a bad husband’ routine. It’s similar to the behaviour that abusive husbands/partners use to keep their wofe/partner from leaving. I’m not saying he’s abusive in the usual sense, but using similar techniques. It’s a good way of shirking responsibility for his behaviour.

I hope things get easier for you, but in particular for your poor wee children.

Christ almighty, another woman putting the feelings of a man before the emotional safety of her children

And now you have agreed to parent his parenting. I assume you spend 24 hours a day together then and will forgo any sleep at all.

This is not a co-parenting relationship, this is supervision

He would NEVER get physical with any of us as he knows that would be IT and he wouldn't see us again

It’s weird when this is a standard of a relationship. Abuse isn’t just physical.

How does he treat YOU, OP?

I note that you are upset that he is shouting at the dcs, but does he also shout at you?

The 3yo has been shouted at a little more lately but it's generally no more than once a week if that but it is VERY loud and angry which is what I object to

That's just not on. Daddy screaming at a 3 year old is emotional abuse.
He needs to get himself to parenting classes asap.

So basically you two have agreed that he won't do any parenting because you need to supervise him at all times to stop him being abusive which he can't help at all because of his chronic pain which as PPs have pointed out, didn't stop him fathering said children.

Sounds super

Strange how he claims to be in so much pain that he can't hold a baby for a few minutes yet can still muster the energy to get his leg over to make the aforementioned baby

Shouting at a young baby is ridiculous and wrong but maybe expecting your husband to look after a baby and/or a toddler when he is disabled and in chronic pain is ridiculous too.

He is probably very frustrated and trying to look after the DC, even for a short time alone, as it highlights his difficulties.

I continue to be shocked by the number of people who post on here about people who shout at a baby. It's disgusting abusive behaviour.

I would be insisting he get anger management counselling @Shadow93