To be annoyed that my DH is shouting at our baby??

[Shadow93]

Okay so, my DH is disabled with a chronic pain condition and struggles when our DC sit with him for cuddles or playing, I do the majority of playing and entertaining to help him not be too sore. There are times when I need him to hold/sort the youngest who is 5 and 1/2 months old and she is getting more mobile and can be quite boisterous. This evening I went to put dinner in the oven and he was holding her and she was getting upset and he was shouting at her that she didn't throw herself around on mummy and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate. I got annoyed about it and he acted like he had a right to behave that way. He also screams at our 3 yo when she misbehaves and has a short fuse when it comes to her behaviour. I'm not a pushover but I think kids need a little leeway. I'm not sure what to do cause he's very insecure and I don't want to make that worse, both myself and DDs adore him. Any ideas???? And AIBU to expect him not to shout at the baby??

Fuck me! LTB

I was going to say I have no idea how a chronic pain condition feels so as a ONE OFF I'd forgive him but in future I wouldn't leave DD in his arms. However the fact that he's shouting loudly and angrily at a 3 yo at least weekly is ridiculous. And the fact that his answer isn't to learn to control himself and be a better parent but instead to leave it all to you is frankly ridiculous.
The 3 yo will learn Daddy never tells her off and that she can do as she wants pretty much. Then he'll have enough and he'll end up screaming at her or worse. The 5 mo will follow the same pattern.

Is that the childhood you want?

Whether yo usyau or go he needs to learn how to parent. He nerds toearn how to discipline without violence - verbal or otherwise.

I'd suggest he finds a parenting class or consider whether you can continue to be a family together

maybe expecting your husband to look after a baby and/or a toddler when he is disabled and in chronic pain is ridiculous too

She was sitting on his lap while op put dinner the oven. Bit of a stretch to call that ‘looking after’.

maybe expecting your husband
Also he's a grown man. If he doesn't feel able to do something, he needs to say so or deal with it. Not blame the baby he chose to hold who is being a baby.

So he's had "a shouty rant to himself" while holding 5mo, for the first time, and shouting at your 3yo at most once a week, before that less, and we've had

"kick him out in the pissing rain"
"a shit all round"
"vile, nasty abusive twat"
"shit human"

How is that helpful to the OP? I'm not saying this is acceptable or right and yes I do think he needs to deal with his issues and soon (and I don't think just "not parenting" is the right solution and his issues seem to be much wider than shouting tbh), but these types of replies show an utter lack of understanding and empathy and are basically writing him off completely as a person who is incapable of change.

Not everyone knows or thinks it's wrong to shout because it's how they were raised. Not everyone has learned about tools to stop them getting to that point or not react to triggers.

Would you say the same about a woman with PND who shouted at her child I wonder?

If not why not?

He didn't have a "shouty rant to himself". He shouted AT the baby, telling it that if s/he loved him, s/he would behave themselves.

@Shadow93 I totally understand how you feel OP, my DH is the same in terms of disability's , he is in constant pain with his spine neck and arms, he also has problems with his stomach and bowel and arthritis throughout his body, but he would NEVER shout at our DD because he is in pain, he just puts himself in bed when its that bad, you need to talk to your DH and explain its just not acceptable! Not to mention how much it must upset you and you must feel under so much pressure to do everything alone not to upset him 😞 sending hugs xxx

I understand he's in pain etc, but these are children, the 5 mo old won't even understand and will just get scared. The 3 yo might not have much more understanding. Can you be sure the shouting won't develop into something more as they get older?

You mention his insecurity, but don't you want your children to grow up secure in their environment? Sounds like they'll have to tip-toe around their father unsure at what/when he might have a temper burst at them!

Also, they're 3 and 5 months, one day they will gain an understanding of what he's doing and the "adoration" will stop. And if it carries on/gets worse and you stick by him because of his "insecurities" you might lose them as well as him losing them. I've seen it happen.

My DH has shouted at my baby unnecessarily. The first time I said please don't do that again, the second time I said I understood he was tired but it's not the baby's fault so don't do that again. The third time I basically told him to get a handle on his temper or leave. He's not shouted since then.

Children should come first, always. You need to protect them from his behaviour.

Oh shock, a woman putting her need to be with "the man she adores" above her children. How could you possibly adore a man like this? What makes any of this sound attractive? His emotional abuse of his children? His constant need for reassurance that is a a good father when he clearly isn't? You are going to have an awful lot of apologising to do to your dc when they are older, when they either end up in a relationship like this or end up men like this. So he can't hold them, cuddle or entertain them. He can't discipline them. Exactly what parenting does he do? Poor children, you both need to seriously look at your parenting.

Hi Op sorry to hear your having to deal with all this at the moment!
I similar to your DP am disabled with chronic pain and it’s no fun however he should not use this to excuse his behaviour. At times when I’m sore I can’t be bothered but you don’t shout at babies. Can he make an appointment to see his GP ASAP to up his pain meds or go on a pain management course?
Make sure you are looking after you OP you have a lot of things on your plate

Sorry, but he is not capable in any way. If he cant do it, he shouldnt do it. I would not let this man handle my children. Shouting is abuse. Not understanding needs of a baby and saying things like " If you loved me you wouldnt wriggle" I s completely innappropriate and shows lack of knowledge about babies and children. Even to an adult that phrase is wrong

Why should his children pay the price for his insecurity? Despite all the allowances and the bending over backwards he’s still abusive.

You should not sacrifice your children’s emotional well-being because of his past. By putting up with his behaviour you’re sending the message that his needs trump everyone else’s.

Would you say the same about a woman with PND who shouted at her child I wonder?

Urm I have PND and a five month old. I’ve never shouted at her. I’m still the adult, if I can’t cope I need to remove myself from that situation or avoid that situation all together.

People are being harsh with the OP because she isn't prepared to protect a toddler and a baby from very damaging abuse. She and her husband both have an equal responsibility to do better for their children. The adults chose to have small, dependent children, the DC have not created this situation .

I could of written your post - infact I did a while I got but got totally roasted for being unsupportive to dh!! He also has a chronic pain condition which takes over all of our lives. Not too bad at the minute as he's changed his meds. But yeah my baby is 6 months and he can't hold him or anything. Which means I do it all.

All that was suggested to me was that he go on a pain management course and I should leave him for being an unsympathetic wife

@nanbread

1. he doesn't have PND so it's a different situation
2. I'd say the same thing to someone with PND. It's still unacceptable behaviour.
3. when people shout at babies and children I always ask the question, do they shout at adults the same way when adults do things that frustrate them? If the answer is no then it means they CAN control themselves, they are just choosing to take out their frustrations on someone small and defenceless. That's bullying behaviour.

I don’t think being disabled is an excuse for being an abusive cunt somehow. Yes, it is abusive to shout and scream at babies and toddlers. They genuinely have no idea why you are shouting so it’s not only pointless but also damaging.

Being disabled is no excuse for abusing those more vunerable than yourself. Babies and young children are more vunerable than an adult with a disability.

Oh and babies and children under about 7 can sense when someone is uncomfortable with them. It is up to your partner as the adult to learn how to be comfortable with children not the other way round.

@Motoko

He didn't have a "shouty rant to himself". He shouted AT the baby, telling it that if s/he loved him, s/he would behave themselves.

The shouty rant to himself was according to OP. Who I presume knows better than any of us what happened.

@Jinglejanglefish I'm sorry you have PND, and I'm pleased you don't shout at your baby but if people are suffering from mental health it is very much a possibility, just because you don't do it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

@BitchQueen90 you'd call a woman with PND a vile abusive twat and tell her partner to LTB?

Because that's what's happened here.

@nanbread This is what OP wrote in her first post:

This evening I went to put dinner in the oven and he was holding her and she was getting upset and he was shouting at her that she didn't throw herself around on mummy and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate.

That's a direct copy and paste.

Do you only read the OP @motoko?

Of course I don't, I'm not one of those posters that only reads the first post before jumping in.

But that is what she said in her OP. Her later posts sound like she's minimising, after all the furore that her OP caused, because she doesn't want to believe that her husband has been abusive to their children, and she's stated that she's not going to leave him.