To be annoyed that my DH is shouting at our baby??

[Shadow93]

Okay so, my DH is disabled with a chronic pain condition and struggles when our DC sit with him for cuddles or playing, I do the majority of playing and entertaining to help him not be too sore. There are times when I need him to hold/sort the youngest who is 5 and 1/2 months old and she is getting more mobile and can be quite boisterous. This evening I went to put dinner in the oven and he was holding her and she was getting upset and he was shouting at her that she didn't throw herself around on mummy and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate. I got annoyed about it and he acted like he had a right to behave that way. He also screams at our 3 yo when she misbehaves and has a short fuse when it comes to her behaviour. I'm not a pushover but I think kids need a little leeway. I'm not sure what to do cause he's very insecure and I don't want to make that worse, both myself and DDs adore him. Any ideas???? And AIBU to expect him not to shout at the baby??

'I cannot/would not leave him, we adore him'
So you'll stay with a man who is already saying emotionally blackmailing things to a 5 MONTH old baby?
Why do so many woman lie to theirselves to justify staying with an arsehole of a man?
Your children will not adore him, they will grow up scared of him, tippy toeing round him.
Yes, he's in pain but that's not a get out to be an abusive bully.

In failing to prioritise your children over an adult you are not doing your best. Shouting at a 5 month old is not even close to okay, and allowing it is not okay either.

Little children do tend to love their abusive parents because they ar biologically programmed to do so. The fact that you DC appear to "adore" their father does NOT make it okay.

OP - You need to talk to your husband's doctors about his interactions with your children.

You're kidding yourself that your DC adore him.

If they aren't already, they are going to be fearful and nervous around him. They are always going to be waiting for the next eruption. They might even start to blame themselves for it when they're old enough. A childhood of walking on eggshells. Because Dad's pain comes first, last and in the middle.

But hey, you carry on telling yourself he's a great dad.

I slightly resent being made to feel like a bad mother here I'm doing my best to take care of all the people I care about.

I think the problem is you are also mothering your husband. You are treating him like a little child who is allowed to misbehave as he is poorly and ever so worried, the poor thing.

With regard to what you should do, tell him that he needs to stop shouting at the children. If he can't control it he needs to go to therapy. If he still can't stop you will kick him out. It's not rocket science once you start treating him like an adult and making him accountable for his shit actions.

You want help? Speak to social services about him shouting at the baby and you modifying normal toddler behaviour so that they dont upset him.
They will soon let you know if he is a good dad and they can support you.

If you really believe he is a good dad and a good person you would have no issue seeking their support.

The problem is that this is going to get worse. Babies and toddlers can be quite hard work, but they are not really that annoying. The fun starts when they get a bit older and start being naughty/rude, etc and push all your buttons. If he is shouting at a baby, how is he going to react to an older child being challenging?

I know that him shouting at the baby is not okay that's why I took her away from him! I needed some help with figuring out what to say when I put my foot down later this evening with regards to his behaviour because I do put my DC first they are at the heart of everything I do. Thanks to everyone who has tried to be genuinely helpful and yes he does suffer with ehlers danlos and is on the autistic spectrum in terms of MH he is medicated for both. To those saying I should leave I think your simplifying things and those being nasty and calling me names cheers for that it really helped

He is emotionally abusing your baby when he shouts at her/him.

You are supposed to be their protective factor here - step up. If he cannot be trusted to refrain from emotionally abusing them then you need to not leave them in his care, you need to act like you are a single parent - e.g if you were going to cook or whatever where would you put them if nobody else was there (lively a high chair in the same room as you for example). If you are to remain in a relationship with this man who cannot control his anger around an innocent defenceless baby, then you need to step up and be their protective factor and Do Not leave them in his unsupervised care.

Loads of people are disabled and manage to not emotionally abuse their baby.

IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE TO SHOUT AT A BABY (disabled or not).

What to say to him?

Stop abusing our children dickhead or I’m leaving should do it.

Ffs you’re defending him when he will be terrifying your children.

You’re not putting them first if you seek to justify his behaviour by saying he’s lovely and a great dad etc etc.
It’s not ok for him to shout. You say that. If he can’t stop his unacceptable behaviour then he can’t be around them.

I agree that it's not helpful to name call the OP or call her a bad mother. She's come here for help.

However, OP as their mum you must tell your husband there is zero tolerance on him shouting at your baby - it's abuse and he needs told in no uncertain terms that it will not be tolerated. Being in pain is absolutely not an excuse.

If he is unable to stop this behaviour, then you seriously need to think about whether you can be in a relationship with him - you absolutely need to put your children's welfare first.

Bit of a X post - but you appear to be using his disability as an excuse to put up with him emotionally abusing your baby. You are putting his disability and your need for a relationship with him before the welfare/rights of your baby (the right not to be emotionally abused). As this baby's mother you should be prioritising their needs not your own or your partners, your baby's welfare comes first, not yours and not your husbands. Sorry to sound so harsh but this is very worrying.

"Stop abusing our children"
"If you continue we will leave you"
"They are not safe to be left alone with you"
"Get help"

Shouting at a 5-month-old baby is always wrong. She can’t possibly understand what he wants from her, she will only be frightened of him. Since he shouts at your older child as well, it sounds as though he is used to interacting with his children this way. It’s a very negative pattern of behaviour that can be extremely damaging. It’s quite disturbing that he feels entitled to shout at such young children and uses emotional blackmail (which will be meaningless to a baby but devastating for an older child). Although many parents shout occasionally, most know how wrong it is. Sadly, that doesn’t seem the case here. And his chronic pain and low self-esteem and short fuse are not valid excuses for behaving abusively to his children.

I've name changed because this might be outing, but OP I totally get it. I have EDS and it is such hard work with boisterous children, and I have had injuries from my toddler DD. However, I very rarely shout at DD because I'm a patient person (And have a super high pain threshold from years of dislocations).
DH on the other hand (who is able bodied) was like this when DD was a baby. He was stressed and exhausted because I was very ill a few months after DD was born and he was working, doing all the housework and caring for me and DD. He was so stressed he couldn't cope and he shouted at both of us a lot - in between running himself ragged to care for us.
I know he was wrong, he knows he was wrong to shout at her all the time. He definitely had PND but wouldn't admit he couldn't cope and I was in no fit state to push him. It's not ok to shout at babies, but none of our families are as perfect as mumsnetters seem to think, and mental health and disability happen.
I don't think this is a reason to leave him, or a reason he's not a good dad - he just wasn't in that moment. But it is definitely time for a chat about coping techniques, CBT etc. If he realises he shouldn't have lost his temper, great - work out how you move forward together. If he doesn't realise it was wrong, you've got bigger problems.
Unmumsnetty hugs because I know absolutely how you feel x

I know how your husband is feeling, but there is no excuse for how he is acting.
He needs to see his doctor if his meds are not sufficient and look at better coping mechanisms ( cbt, preventative meds).

Verbal abuse is as damaging OP as physical. He is screaming at your 3 year old and 5 month old - that isn’t a good dad and he can’t go on with it. It will damage him. He needs to find strategies and ways to cope
And you need to stop reassuring him it’s ok becausr it’s not

I have several very complex painful conditions that affect my joints as well as other health issues. Just two weeks ago I had to have surgery. A week afterwards my 2 year old nephew head butted me as he leaned back onto me playing with his brother. He bust my surgical site wide open and while I cried out in pain, I didn't direct it at him and I certainly did not say that if he loved me he would not have done it.

That is the very worst thing anybody can say to another as it asserts control over another person and a emotionally manipulates them. That is what my abusive ex husband used to say to me when I did not want sex. And I would do it anyways as obviously there was something really wrong with me. If your OH carries on he is going to fuck your kids up and you will be just on the side lines letting it happen.

If you decide to stay with this man then you need to basically act like a single parent, don't expect anything from him. I get that he is in pain but the thing about long term constant pain issues is that you acclimatise to the pain and it becomes tolerable. His behaviour is not tolerable. So safety gates everywhere so your daughter cant get into mischief when you are cooking etc. If you aren't happy with that then get a play pen, she cant hurt herself in there and it will last to 18-24 months. You do the physical stuff and he can read a story at bed.

But please do not let this man affet your kids. They are your responsibility to raise as healthy people. He is not your child and you can't be his mother with constant reassurance etc.

Shouting at a 5 and a half month old baby that if she loved him she’d sit and cooperate?

Eh...WTAF

I never fail to be totally confused as to why woman stay with such nasty, abusive twats.
Your husband is vile. Your children need you to protect them, because sure as eggs as eggs, their dad isn’t a protector.

and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate.

This has nothing to do with his chronic illness or his ASD. This is emotionally abusive behaviour and this shit will get worse and escalate if you don’t take drastic action to protect your children from it. A chat later this evening won’t cut it. A conversation of ‘this is unacceptable because XYZ. You need to address this immediately and stop, otherwise I will be forced to find a way to protect the children from you.’ might go a little way to resolving this but I doubt it.

You adore a man who is emotionally abusing your tiny children. Have a think about that and what it means for them.

Your children really need to be put first here before this situation declines further - there are no excuses for treating a baby like that

@NamedChanged607 thank you, he does know it's wrong. I've told him and have now put previously mentioned foot down. He has agreed that I do any telling off of 3yo and that 5mo should either go in her bouncer or highchair when I'm busy. We'll see