To be annoyed that my DH is shouting at our baby??

[Shadow93]

Okay so, my DH is disabled with a chronic pain condition and struggles when our DC sit with him for cuddles or playing, I do the majority of playing and entertaining to help him not be too sore. There are times when I need him to hold/sort the youngest who is 5 and 1/2 months old and she is getting more mobile and can be quite boisterous. This evening I went to put dinner in the oven and he was holding her and she was getting upset and he was shouting at her that she didn't throw herself around on mummy and if she loved him she would sit still and cooperate. I got annoyed about it and he acted like he had a right to behave that way. He also screams at our 3 yo when she misbehaves and has a short fuse when it comes to her behaviour. I'm not a pushover but I think kids need a little leeway. I'm not sure what to do cause he's very insecure and I don't want to make that worse, both myself and DDs adore him. Any ideas???? And AIBU to expect him not to shout at the baby??

Stop reassuring him, start telling him clearly that this is not ok and good parents do not do this. His focus need to switch, from inwards to outwards, self to children.

It comes across from your language that you are more concerned about not hurting his feelings than you are about him damaging your child. There needs to be a lot less focus on his feelings, from both of you and far more on his actions and on him learning to do the right thing. It's what you do that counts, not how you feel about doing it (or not being able to do it sometimes, so finding a way to remove yourself from the situation).

He sounds awful. Being in pain does not give you license to abuse your children.

Can't put it better than @MitziK "Stop shouting at babies, get more treatment or get the fuck out."

How can you be with a man who shouts at your DC? Seriously.

Pain does not excuse behaving like he is.

Stop making excuses for him, because one day your kids will hate you just as much as they will hate him. Because you allowed it.

I would absolutely lose my shit if my DH shouted at my five month old, quite apart from all the 'if you loved me' bollocks.

Totally unacceptable. Please stop making excuses for him and his behaviour.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this situation, one thing is clear. Your husband cannot cope with small children. Please don't have any more with him.

I cannot/would not want to leave him- we adore him because he is a good man and is mostly lovely. His pain is linked to his joints as they dislocate ALOT which is painful and I end up doing a lot of relocating for him. He would NEVER get physical with any of us as he knows that would be IT and he wouldn't see us again. I need to know how to have the conversation setting out my expectations of his relationship with DC as at the moment he is not meeting them ie. The shouting. He just needs to chill out a bit and stop over reacting to DC being normal if not boisterous kids but I think his pain makes it difficult. I slightly resent being made to feel like a bad mother here I'm doing my best to take care of all the people I care about. Any help?

I have a chronic pain condition. I don’t shout at my babies and I don’t shout at my children. If I find myself feeling irritable, I try to do something to relieve my pain but don’t expect my children to have to adapt or compensate. He’s utterly selfish. I couldn’t parent with someone like that. Your children deserve better.

My DH has a long term condition which causes him extreme pain a lot of the time (and a degree of pain all the time), he rarely raises his voice at our dc, never did when they were babies, even when they were screaming for hours at a time, so that isn't an excuse.
He sounds like he has some mh issues maybe? Would he get some help?

"he acted like he had a right to behave that way"

Well he doesn't and he's being completely unreasonable. I get he is in pain and may have a short fuse, but he should recognise this and accept it's his issue to deal with. Not state that he has a right to behave that way.

Until he can accept that it isn't OK, you'll be fighting a losing battle. He needs to accept that he needs help with regards to his DP issues and insecurities (which may be why he is defensive and saying he has a right to behave in this way). I'd also recommend looking at his pain relief with a pain clinic, and also ways that the kids can be physically safe rather than him hold them if he's in pain (bouncy chair etc).

Of course he shouldn’t shout at your children. I note his disability and pain didn’t stop him fathering two children.

If you want to remain with him then you need to parent the children by yourself. Place them in a safe place while you’re cooking etc, pretend he isn’t available to assist with them. You just can’t rely on him to handle or care for them at all. Get counselling where he can be told by a third party how damaging his behaviour is and how he needs to moderate it
Good luck

How is shouting at a tiny baby when you are holding it not physically abusive?!!

The baby does not understand what is going on. Just the noise and the fear, and they cannot get away.

Your baby will have found that traumatic.

It's horrible.

He is insecure about being a shit dad, because deep down he knows he is being a shit dad!

You don't know he would never physically harm any of you. Most people who become victims of physical abuse did not previously think that would happen, or the chances are they wouldn't be with that person!

'If you loved me...' is emotional abuse. Stop burying your head in the sand. Someone who regularly shouts at a 5 month old baby is not a good person. Stop putting his needs above your childrens

A good mother puts their kids first. He mustn’t shout at a baby. Put the kids first.

Put your children first before you and the dick head you're married too.

As someone who is disabled and in constant pain I'd think about getting a playpen for your youngest,I know it's not easy feeling like you have to do it all on your own(I was a single mum to 4DC)but honestly doing everything on my own was so much easier than doing very little whilst being ill and disabled.

If your DH isn't getting all the support and help(good painkillers)that he should be then try and push for that,I know it's not always easy,I've spent years under different hospitals and Dr's having different treatments and I'm still no closer to being pain free.

I hope you both manage to get the help you need.

agree he's not a good dad or human if he shouts at babies - and not forgetting the three year old who you've added as an afterthought but is probably even more likely to be significantly affected by her dad screaming at her for acting like a three year old.

you say he's very insecure because of the way he was brought up - aren't you/he worried that the same thing is going to happen with your children? They may love him now (not sure how you can tell with a 5 and a half month old tbh) but are they going to love him in a few years when he's screaming at them for doing perfectly normal things, and possibly progressing to hitting them? Or will they grow up with anxiety, low self-esteem, etc because of they way they remember their dad treating them?

Just tell him no, not ok.

How he deals with that and sorts things out so he can be closer to the dc is up to him to work out. He can ask for your help but you need to let him ask, not 'mother him' by trying to sort out his issues for him, without his consent or explicit request.

He is insecure about whether he is a good dad

Rightly so. Does it not occur to him that, if he didn't shout and scream at the children, he might feel less insecure about this?

I wouldn't be sure that the kids adore him if I were you. Children tend not to adore people who scare them.

While I don't think what he's doing is right or should be overlooked and excused, I know plenty of mums that shouted at babies/kids(hell this website is full of them) and they are great mums.

That being said, you can't walk on eggshells and overlook behaviour you don't like/find unacceptable just because he's in pain or insecure or whatever.

We all fuck up regardless. He needs to be told so he can either learn and do something about it, or continue in the same way which means that's who he is. You keeping quiet will only breed resentment and fear.

I'm a good mum but I definitely should've shouted less. He could be a good dad ,but that doesn't mean he can do whatever he likes without being pulled up on it in case he won't believe it.

How is he going to cope when the kids are older, need him in different ways, are mobile and boisterous? No, he needs to get his head in gear now and accept that his kids have to come first. So presumably he has Ehlers-Danlos? That sucks massively - but it isn't a free pass for him to be an abusive arse to his children. He needs to get support with his MH issues and be serious about that, and he has to understand that shouting at a baby is never, eve acceptable.

And if he doesn't get his act together, you dump him. Right now he is not being a good father. And your DC need you to stand up for them and put them first.

well done for letting someone speak to your babys like that.

How can he not know that shouting at a 5 month old baby is wrong? You shouldn’t have to mitigate for him or tell him babies / toddlers need “leeway”. Honestly, he sounds horrible and being in chronic pain and insecure is not an excuse to be abusive.