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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found out something about my parents that explains alot....

119 replies

bta01 · 10/03/2019 14:54

Hi, new here be gentle, but I couldn't think of a forum to post this on, other than mumsnet.

I always had a weird disconnect with my parents, for example I dont look back on my childhood as an amazing time filled with laughter etc etc. and I am fine with that. I'm now fourty and I guess they did the best they could. BUT, I never really, ever, got on with my mum. I still don't and I don't have particularly pleasant memories about her. I just remember her always being angry with me for things I often didn't do and some things I probably did.

Recently I found out that one week after I was born, both my parents and older brother went to Spain for two weeks. They left me with my grandparents. I found out completely by accident but she has confirmed it and even then it wasn't an argument it was just something I said that I'd heard. Her response was, "well you're Nanna had four children so she obviously knew how to look after a baby."

Now, that's not the big thing, obviously I don't remember it, as I grew up my grandparents were amazing anyway and I'm sure they did a good job, and, whilst these days it would be the worst thing in the world, I don't believe we can judge parenting from fourty years ago by todays standards...but, does anyone think that explains my disconnect with my mother? My dislike of her and general mistrust of her? Or am I just one of those people who doesn't like their mother? I don't know why but it's important for me to know if I just don't like her or if there's a psychological thing going on.

OP posts:

Hot4Holes · 10/03/2019 14:56

I don’t think that one holiday would explain your life long relationship. I do think it could hint at your mum maybe having post natal depression though.

Happyspud · 10/03/2019 15:00

No it wasn’t the holiday. But whatever made her able to leave her week old baby to go on holiday would probably have been present the rest of your childhood which would explain a distant relationship and weak bond for you growing up.

Pure speculation. I don’t know either of you.

Shortandsweet96 · 10/03/2019 15:00

Personally I think it could have an affect. It's very important to bond with your baby when its botn st a week old your still establishing a bond.

My friend gave birth to a baby boy very dramatically and wssnt able to hold.him skin to skin straight away. When she bought him home she said she resented him, couldn't be bothered to look after him and just felt like she qasnt connected to him at all.
He is 4 now and shes much better and loves him dearly. But I do think bonding plays a huge part as a new born into the rest of your life.

PositiveVibez · 10/03/2019 15:01

I don't think that would be why.

As long as a one week old baby is getting its needs met, physically and emotionally, I doubt that one week old baby would be aware that their mum had left them for a week or so.

Plus obviously the baby would never ever remember it, even subconsciously.

Wakk · 10/03/2019 15:04

That's absolutely not why.

Arowana · 10/03/2019 15:06

I agree with this.

DonPablo · 10/03/2019 15:07

Have you considered exploring these feeling with a counsellor?

I doubt actually going on holiday had much of an effect on you-it sounds like you were loved and cared for in your mums absence. But, it is a weird thing to do! People who can't see their tiny babies after birth for serious reasons (their ill health, the babies I'll health etc) often struggle to come to terms with that time in their lives and it can have a profound effect on them.

Maybe you have a narcissistic mother, maybe she had PND, maybe there's a number of other reasons why your childhood and subsequent relationship with your mum aren't happy.

I hope you find some way to square the circle of your feelings

VelvetPineapple · 10/03/2019 15:07

whatever made her able to leave her week old baby to go on holiday would probably have been present the rest of your childhood

This. She can’t have been very maternal if she was happy to leave her week old baby. And that lack of love and attention probably continued from there on.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/03/2019 15:09

I think it's tempting to look for a single, straightforward answer to the way you feel now, but if the holiday was the cause, then no adopted child would ever bond successfully with its parents. It may well be that there was a time during your very early infancy when your mum wasn't meeting your needs fully, but as others have said, I think the holiday was a symptom rather than a cause.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 10/03/2019 15:10

Agree with a previous poster that it's your mother's ongoing lack of maternal instinct that meant she was able to go on holiday without her newborn and that has resulted in the relationship between you being distant, not that you as a baby were affected by that holiday.

BitchPeas · 10/03/2019 15:12

Positive that’s completely wrong. A newborn would be traumatised by its mother disappearing. They would definitely notice and it would have a profound affect on their emotional well-being and bonding going forward.
Totally agree with HappySpud too

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/03/2019 15:13

What is her relationship like with your brother? Are his childhood memories similar to yours?

Limensoda · 10/03/2019 15:16

Did your mother have post natal depression?
My relationship with my daughter was affected from when she was born and had to spend a week in a special unit after a long and difficult birth. I avoided being with her I was so scared and depressed. I couldn't bond with her even when we were both home and looked after her in a clinical way.
I remember being terrified of the responsibility but was too scared to tell anyone.
It took a long time before I felt better but it badly affected our bond. My daughter is grown up and we are close now but she tells me she has little memory of me from her early years and there has always been something missing.
I do think early separation can affect you, and more so if a bond isn't established properly after that.

PaquitaVariation · 10/03/2019 15:17

In terms of attachment we know that it’s having a consistent caregiver who meets the needs of a very tiny baby is the most important thing, it absolutely doesn’t have to be the mother. However, I think other posters are correct in that there’s something about your mum’s personality that made her able to leave you and this is probably what has caused the ‘disconnect’.

TidyDancer · 10/03/2019 15:20

I agree with the others, I don't think that would explain it. But as someone else has already said, someone who could leave their week old baby behind to go on holiday is probably not someone who is likely to be the most 'attached' parent.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/03/2019 15:21

Is there anyone in your family that you could talk to about this? To get some more idea of why she did that?

Its not necessarily the reason you don't get on with her.

formerbabe · 10/03/2019 15:23

It's not the holiday per se, but I imagine if your mother was the sort of person who'd leave her baby at one week old, it explains a lot about her character and attitude towards mothering in general.

smallereveryday · 10/03/2019 15:23

The skin to skin bond bollocks is just that. Pseudo science. It's not actually a real thing , whereby if it doesn't happen then your relationship with your mother is fucked. I was born over 56 yrs ago when it wasn't 'a thing'. My mother saw us for a few minutes in the morning and maybe an hour in the evening when she always read us a bedtime story. The rest of the time we were with nannies.
My mother was travelling on business with my father ten days after my birth and remained away in the sun to 'recover' for over a month. It didn't effect me as I have no memory of it.

What matters is that I always know she loves us all. Her words and deeds over 60 yrs show is that - so please don't get hung up on the holiday and lack of contact in your second week of life - if that were true then adopted and fostered children would be screwed , which they are not.

She may just not be maternal. She may just be a shit mother. She may not of ever wanted to be a mother. She may well have had PND undiagnosed for years.

In times gone by many women were expected to be Wives first and foremost. Support for the husband was the job. Childcare could be subcontracted to others. Money permitting - subcontracting one's wifely duties ran the risk of all financial support disappearing out the door with the mistress...

JohnnyHatesJazz · 10/03/2019 15:25

Positive that’s completely wrong. A newborn would be traumatised by its mother disappearing. They would definitely notice and it would have a profound affect on their emotional well-being and bonding going forward.

So what about babies born too early or with health problems and need to stay in hospital?

I agree with what @HappySpud said.

fc301 · 10/03/2019 15:25

Be careful you are not using this to find a reason why you are to blame. You are not.

ladycarlotta · 10/03/2019 15:27

yep. Im cuddling my 11-day-old baby right now and I can't imagine leaving her for two weeks. It would HURT. Not everybody is the same and I'm sure some mums find it much easier to leave their children for one reason or another, particularly if it isn't their PFB, but yes I think it's weird that she would choose to do that for so long with such a tiny, tiny infant. A holiday is not really a good enough reason.

Singleparent92 · 10/03/2019 15:29

I felt exactly the same way about mine and I always had a “bad feeling” about her and unfortunately my instincts were right when I discovered something about her.

BlimeyCalmDown · 10/03/2019 15:29

It sound like she wasn't bonding with you (maybe PND, maybe not). If she wasn't then it will have affected the emotional attachment which is formed in the first 2yrs which would impact on your relationship with her. Thankfully your GP's were around so hopefully you had the all important attachment with them if not your parents. I'm speculating of course as I don't know you but there is a massive amount of research on it (google parent-child attachment).

FluffySlipperSocks · 10/03/2019 15:30

I agree with previous posters, in that the bond wouldn't have been very strong if she was able to detach herself so easily when you were just a week old.. and this disconnect must have been with in her all through your life. Would be interesting to find out how her relationship with her mother was.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/03/2019 15:32

I don't think that week apart is what makes you not like your mother. Plenty of parents are absent in the early weeks eg difficult birth or ill baby means mum and baby are separated and they still have a great bond.

I do think it is significant in that it's a symptom of how your mum thinks about you, and feels about you, and evidence that it isn't you it's her as it goes back to a time when you were so young it couldn't have been anything you 'did'. It explains that for some reason she never felt a connection to her baby. Which is sad for her and awful for you. You're right most new parents wouldn't have wanted to leave their new baby. Maybe it was pnd. Were they like that with your brother as well?

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